confusedboy16

But it seems that so much of my existence is wrapped up around gaining some form of attention and putting others down. Not that I intentionally go out of my way to belittle people, but I do do so (in my mind at least). It seems I have a pathological need to be the best - which I am not, of course I'm not, but my mind cannot comprehend that. I feel so exhausted at the moment. I went to A&E earlier and saw the crisis team. I am not being referred for CBT or psychotherapy but that won't be for a week weeks or months. At the moment I'm living in total nothingness. I have cried a few times but it all feels fake. I even wanted to make myself cry when I saw the crisis team to show how low I am. I feel like a narc in denial.

There is something wrong when those ambitions and goals become all consuming though, or pathological. Like, I'm sure this can't just be my OCD. Why the need to be better than others, to seem them fail, to enjoy them failing? I don't want to be like this, I really don't want to have NPD but I fear it's true.

Hi Jazz. I have done in the past but it always seems to become egotistical, like writing it so it can be of use if I ever become famous. My goals are far to ambitious I think.

It's a long time since I last posted on here. I remember you well too. Thing is, I'm not sure this is just OCD. I think I genuinely lack empathy but I don't want to live a life without caring for people. I was seeing a therapist but I stopped going because I wasn't seeing any benefits. I've just started a new medication too. I do have a difficult time expressing my emotions, yes. I go through long periods of not really feeling much at all. I enjoy photography. I'm not really interested in taking pictures at the moment though. I just want to sleep and forget myself.

I'm convinced I have NPD. I seem to match a lot of the criteria. To begin, I'm a 22 year old male who has been diagnosed with OCD and depression. But I don't think this is just my OCD. I think this is real. I can be emotionally cold, I've never had any romantic relationship - though I have longed for one. I am preoccupied with fame, or achieving fame some how. I am incredibly fickle and I change my hobbies a lot. I have dropped out of university courses many times in the past, though I'm sticking to one at the moment. I have wish failure upon others before because I have been jealous of them. I seem to think I am more intelligent than other people. I do things so people will think highly of me - like reading highbrow books, newspapers, magazines, etc. I am incredibly insecure about how I look and appear. I have had weird obsessions in the past, like looking at famous people on Facebook and trying to befriend them. At times I feel I lack empathy. My uncle is currently dying of liver cancer and although I am sad, I feel emotionally cold and unable to express my feelings. I've never been fond of people cuddling me, though I do like it sometimes. I have stolen before and avoided taking responsibility. I have an addiction to buying books and DVDs. I really don't want to be like this. I don't want to end up a bitter, friendless, lonely person. I'm even questioning my motif for posting this on here. I'm also really worried about being a child abuser or some form of abuser. When I was younger I used to get urges to hurt my cousins and cats. I'd squeeze them and feel pleasure at their pain. I have a two year old niece and a 2 year old cousin and I'm really worried I might want to hurt them, or control them. I hate these thoughts and feelings. It feels as if I like controlling others or having them fear me or something? I don't experience this all the time, it comes and goes.

I don't know how to explain how I am currently feeling. I suffer from OCD and depression but I have never felt quite so bad in my life. I feel as if I am surrounded by blackness. I've just turned 21 and all I want to do is sleep. For the past few weeks I have been obsessed with the apparent meaninglessness of life. I am an atheist so I do not believe in any kind of god or creator. I just can't see any point in going on if I'm going to die one day, what's the point? I'm just prolonging the inevitable. We are merely born to die. I look around me and all I see is other people who will one day die. My sister has just had a daughter (6 months ago) and I look at her and think "one day you will be dead". What's the point in trying to achieve when it will all be forgotten when will die. Some people say "but your legacy lives on" but they are just delusional. The sun will one day engulf the planet and everything will be lost. Humans are just delusional. What is the point in me trying to get better when I will one day die? Why live just to live? I came across a guy called Peter Wessel Zapffe who said that human's cannot deal with the fact that life is meaningless so we transfer the angst into other forms (isolation, anchoring, distraction and sublimation). So everything we do is about deluding ourselves into believing we are immortal. The same goes for Ernest Becker's The Denial of Death. It seems logical to me that these theories are true. We're living in a meaningless universe deluding ourselves into believing we have a purpose. Why would it matter if I killed myself? It would hurt my family of course but one day they'll be dead and all of their pain will mean nothing. I just don't see anyway out of this hell. Life is hell.

Very true. I feel like I have all of the world's "problems" in my head. I keep trying to reason with myself, and tell myself that there's absolutely nothing I can do about them. But then does that make me a "bad" person if I don't try and reduce suffering, but who is to say suffering is a bad thing?

Thank you for the reply IrmaJean, All you say is very true. My mind cannot work out what is true and what is not at the moment. I have been on the subject of animal rights today. I've been arguing with myself, for and against animal rights, etc. I am a vegetarian, but not for any ethical reasons but because I don't feel it necessary to consume meet in today's society, as we have plenty of alternatives. But the argument I've been having is "why is it okay to kill certain animals and not others?" And why is it okay to kill an animal but not a human? I've argued for and against in my head, but I don't know. I watched a video of cow's being slaughtered and felt rather uncomfortable, but the reality is many animals kill other animals. They have no regard for the wellbeing of their prey, it is natural to them. This leaves me worries, because it might justify killing humans. I think of all the humans that have been killed in war and think what a waste of life that was, but how is it any different for animals? We don't look at the high number of animal slaughtering and say "what a waste of life", "gone just like that". How can we place value in human life but not in animal life? How can a truly "good" person promote healthy living for human beings but actively consume meat, or kill animals. What is the difference? I am not judging meat eaters, most people I know eat meat, but these are the thoughts in my head. I tell myself "I can't change all of the world's problems", but then I think "how can I live in this world and allow this to carry on?" And then I think "it's natural to kill", and then I get worried because i have to acknowledge that life is cruel and that in turn leads to pessimistic thoughts about life and the human race. I don't know where to go with this now.

No, not at all. I love empathy. I love, love. But I am questioning whether it is "natural" for man to love. If we look back in history it is filled with violence and intolerance. But then I say "why should be define our actions by evolution". We have developed intellect, and maybe empathy is a part of that? I love the human race, but I've read things online that suggest love is condition. You only need to read into a little Freud and you to see he thought modern civilisation is a hindrance on the individual, because it restricts our natural tendencies and instincts. I want to love, I want to care; but what if I am going against my natural instincts? Look and see it switch, what do you men? Nathan.

Hi Malign, It seems like a very long time ago now. I've been though so many different "themes" of OCD since we last spoke. I was put on sertraline and am currently still taking 150mg daily. I also went for a couple of psychotherapy sessions, which didn't help at all. I am going to the doctor's tomorrow to ask about CBT. I really don't know how that equation came about. I guess searching online. The thought/realisation that we are only friends with others for our own benefit popped in to my head, then I started to obsess and come to many different convulsions, looking for various answers online. Then I began to question whether empathy was created by those in power to control us, etc.

Thank you both Irma Jean and Malign. Both of you have actually provided me with a lot of reasoning since I joined this forum around four years ago (though you probably do not remember me, as I have been absent from this forum for quite some time now). The truth is, I understand my thought process is erratic and irrational but this understanding does not allow me to "change". I enjoy science, philosophy and ethics, but I can become obsessive about certain theories. I try to tell myself that they are "just theories" and one shouldn't live by another's following, only allow other people to act as a form of guidance. I keep questioning all of my beliefs and it's becoming very tiring. As I have said, I used to consider myself a socialist, but I fear scientific understanding and enlightenment will disprove any such ideology; or rather it will prove the bleakness and hostility of human existence, which is maybe what I want to avoid admitting to myself, because I want the best for myself, and in wanting the best for others it also reflects my own longing for happiness. I have never been able to interpret philosophy rationally. I am very insecure in what I believe, and I can be easily thrown when my beliefs are brought into disrepute. I pick out what I like in philosophy and tend to avoid the "truth", but I honestly do not believe there is an absolute inherent answer to the human existence. We cannot be so scientific as to say "we MUST live this way because it is in our DNA. For instance, I have been reading some of Darwin's "The Descent of Man" and in this work he considers how, by caring for the weak in our society we are actually risking the continuation and survival of our species. Although I understand this does not mean he is justifying the abolition of "the weak", I can be easily led to believe this is what he meant - which is very much a product of the society I, and yourselves live in. Many people twist and change theories - such as that of Natural Selection and the Survival Of The Fittest theory. People pick out certain parts which they believe provide justification for their hostile actions. Anyway, I am rambling now. I hope this gives you some sort of understanding as to how my brain is functioning. It never stops. I am still skeptical as to why I am writing all of this, asking for you help, as my mind is still telling my I am "being selfish", and your reciprocation and reply will be in your self-interest (though I am in no supporting or condemning this theory). I guess I need to understand there is no way to escape the fact that we think and are self-conscious. So any rational judgement should be a mixture of human instance and empirical observation. To be neither optimistic or pessimistic, but both, concurrently. I need to understand that just because the purpose of love may only be for one's self-interest that doesn't detract from it's beauty and significance in both survival and happiness. I think as a species we think too greatly about things we could just let be; whether we should or not is down to personal interpretation. Malign, You make a good point in regards to the "need" for my mother once I grow to be fully independent. One could easily argue I am still dependent upon the love I receive from my mother; that I am in need of her attention still, and thus"using" her for my own self-interest.

DELETED.

I am at breaking point. I don't know what to do to calm myself. I am questioning everything now. Nothing seems the same or familiar to me anymore. I'm questioning the integrity of my actions, of others actions. Whether or not we actually do care about each other, or the only reason we do is out of self-interest. I think I have come to believe the latter, but I don't want to. That means everyone I think I care about, I only care about because it satisfies me, and I am only thinking about me. I don't want these thoughts to continue but I want to know the truth. I question everyone's motives. Even the "kindest" of people seems fake to me now. They are kind to others because they gain pleasure from their actions. Is this not selfish? I want to care about people purely for caring, but the more I think about it the more it makes sense to me that we don't care truly, we only care about what we get out of things. We love because we want to be loved. Be are nice because we want people to be nice to us. Equally, a lot of the time if people disregard us we seem to do the same. We dislike those who don't feed our egos. All this seems true to me. Not overtly, but beneath our pretensions. Everything I thought I loved, just because I love, not seems distant and false. As I said before in my previous thread I am questioning existence and purpose. Different thoughts are coming into my mind centred around philosophy (which I usually enjoy). I just want to stop living, that way my motives won't be selfish, as I won't exist. I don't want to live if I only care about what I gain from living. You can say that helping other people is selfless, but we do so because it makes us feel good - that is self-interest, however you address it. I constantly doubt myself, and my beliefs, and whether I am a hypocrite. I feel like deep down I know the human race is selfish, and I am lying to myself otherwise. To be honest, I just want to die. But then that would also be a selfish act, so it would confirm my thoughts? I don't want to think anymore. I want to be happy. Aren't we just using people for our pleasure? I only care about others because they bring me joy. This isn't real care? If we were to take away the mutual care then either side would forget about the other. Are all relationships mere symbiotic attachment? Do I only love my mother because I NEED her, not because I want to love her. I'm so confused. Absolutely everything appears foreign to me now. One minute I find release from my worries, the next I read some sort of philosophy online that brings back the anxiety. I have just been reading about philosophical pessimism, and how nothing matters. The world will end one day so what is the purpose in trying? Everything is just wasted energy. Every time we chose optimism we are only lying to ourselves. I don't want to feel like this, but I feel it is accurate and the truth. All of the energy I use on achievement is useless. I've also been questioning the morality of incest. Why do we still classify it as wrong? Everything just seems so odd and contrived to me. I don't want to live anymore.

I am hopefuly seeing a psychologist next week. I don't know how I'm going to hold out that long though. I just want to die!! I can't see any way out of this.

Sorry for the incessant posts over the years, I have just been feeling awful. This week has been terrible I've been crying all week and feeling like an awful person. We had to call the CPN out on Wednesday, and I ended up going to hospital in the evening. I talked to a psychiatrist and she calmed me down and gave me some sleeping tablets (because I hadn't been sleeping for a few days, or eating) but everything has flooded back. I am constantly worried, constantly searching online for some sort of answer. As you may know from my previous posts I have been diagnosed with OCD. I'm currently on 50mg of sertraline (only just re-started this week). I am fixated on the fact that I am a sadistic child/animal abuser, because of things that have happened in my past, things that worry me about my future, and also adding everything about my personality up. I feel very vindictive and controlling at the moment, and I just wish I was never born. So, I'm 18 now, when I was a little younger (13-15) I used to really hit/beat our dog, and I would squeeze its paws and hold it's nose to stop her from breathing. I used to enjoy this, as almost find it pleasurable. I can't remember how long this went on for, but for a while. I really didn't like the dog (in fact I don't like dogs now, I love cats though) and I took all my anger out on the dog. Also other things, like I used to pick on my cousins, and pinch them and in a twisted way enjoy hurting them. Now I'm stuck on the past. I feel quite impulsive at the moment, like I'm going to lose control and do something wrong. Like the sadism is just lying dormant ready to crack at any minute. My worry also stems from my bitterness. I can be very angry and cynical, especially when I see other people succeeding. I read online many people with personality disorders are like this. This all started from looking at a picture of my cousins baby. i got this feeling, like I wanted to hurt her, and I couldn't work out whether it was pleasurable or not, but now these feelings and thoughts are just making me anxious and nervous, and worried about my future. It's like I enjoy hurting babies and animals (although I don't do that, well not now). This stuff just keeps running around in my head, and I feel like I'm just afraid to admit who I truly am. I've stolen before, and I've done stuff and not felt guilty. I sometimes feel like the only person I truly love is my mum, and I feel like I wouldn't ever be able to love anyone else. I have BDSM and foot fetishes, and all sorts of sexual fantasies, which I enjoy but they worry me being linked to personality disorders or serial killers. I honestly dont know what to do about this. I keep looking into my past and finding things I don't like. I have told this to the psychiatrist and my mum, and they both keep shrugging it off, but I'm really concerned here. I'm also concerned that taking the sertraline is going to block out the worry and guilt and show a side of me I don't like/show my true colours, revealing who I really am. I can't live like that. I just want to be happy and healthy, not twisted, bitter and evil!