LaLa

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LaLa last won the day on February 12

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About LaLa

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    one of the forum moderators

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    33 y.o., was in therapy for 2 years, but it ended too early (in 2011)

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  1. Hello, Bri, welcome! I don't have experiences with OCD or depersonalisation / derealisation, so I don't know what I could offer. But I'd like to welcome you and wish you good luck in your efforts! Take care!
  2. May I add some subjectif interpretations? This belief makes it a bit easier: There's no pressure to really try and change, because you believe in advance you've been "always like this and always will be". Getting better is impossible, therefore you don't have to blame yourself for not succeeding and don't have to be disappointed. You're in pain, but it's a familiar pain, not some new, unpredictable and unexperienced problems. This preference for familiarity, familiar ways of suffering, seems to be reflected here (friends versus unknown, scary world): You also say: Could it be that you only don't want to be noticed because of fear of being hurt by the reaction by others, or, rather, by the lack of their appropriate reaction? I imagine that you actually really seek to be noticed, but also understood, cared for, helped. But at the same time, you tell yourself you don't want it, because you fear (due to past bad experiences) it's unachievable. This fear of bad reactins seems also be hidden in this line: I think if you didn't want to be noticed, you wouldn't post here or anywhere else. But you do and it's very good! You need to learn to express yourself and to articulate your needs and issues, you need to become less "shy" and express yourself also to some people "in real life". I believe that better communication will allow to some of them be nicer and more helpful to you. If not your family, then at least the professionals who try to help you. And also; yourself; it's important to strive to know oneself better... I hope I didn't upset you with my comments! I made them to try to help you; to possibly give you some new insights and/or a feeling of being understood or, at least, that there are people who care to understand you better and try.
  3. A drug that's been used for a long time for another purpose can treat also some cases of AD-resistant depression and shows a strong anti-suicidal effect! http://www.cbc.ca/radio/quirks/psychedelic-drugs-and-depression-runaway-stars-bird-flu-battle-and-more-1.4036396/can-psychedelic-drugs-work-magic-on-depression-1.4036497 Just think of it: A drug can make you stop to want to kill yourself, without making you "just ignore reality" (as alcohol etc.). Can you now see your suicidal ideation more as a symptom of your brain's illness than as something worth obeying, following? I hope at least some of you can... Hang on, don't hurt yourself; it can be cured. Perhaps not by a med, or not only by a med, but treatments and supports are available even now. And science keeps making progress... Take care, everybody!
  4. Good for you! I'm so glad to hear you was able to break the cycle and call your case manager! I hope she'll be really helpful. And I hope you'll find a way to explain to your family how that addiction "works" and that you're not hurting yourself to make them angry or something like that. This is. in my opinion, a very good 'strategy' / decision! Yes, people say we have to live (also) for ourselves, but sometimes we need to be somehow important and helpful to others to be able to stay alive. I believe that sooner or later, you'll find also some other reasons to live - some that would be even more related to yourself. Take care!
  5. You're welcome, L.! I really hope our "answers" made some difference for you. If you include this info in the letter or the "speech" in which you address your teacher and your school psychologist, wouldn't it be a useful "compromise" (= you do the right think and also do some justice to the voice) as well as a more truthful description of your "state"/problems? BTW, you might like this: There's nothing pathetic about your questions. Same for me; I often can't find time to post here ... Thank you . My psychotherapy helped me a lot, but it was more than 5 years ago already (I live abroad since and I don't have access to therapy here) and in the meantime, some of my issues came back and some new emerged. But in general, it's better. Good luck!
  6. So, I'm going to try to bring some more feedback to your post. I also have some questions. Most importantly; have you already contacted a mental health professional or even started some kind of treatment? You've been through a lot and... saying that "this sounds cliche" is a very dismissive comment because it tries not to take it all seriously, as if it was something commun and so almost "normal" that "everybody should just get over it". But every single issue you mentioned is serious enough to cause a lot of suffering necessitating professional help, mainly by a good psychotherapist. You need to experience a loving, caring, trustful, and very safe relationship where you can be yourself and feel entirely accepted. By this means you can repair your self-image and get rid of the self-hate and the false convictions (which were "implanted" and reinforced in you by your abusive relatives, by the bullies, and by everybody else who abused you in any way), including the conviction that you're bad and should die. I know this sounds overwhelming and unimaginable now. It's logical; you cannot imagine something so good and powerful happening to you because you're too much influenced by all the bad stuff that's been "filling" your life so far. But there are many people who got much, much better in this way thanks to a good psychotherapist. (I emphasize "good", because not everybody who's a professional can help you, but this shouldn't be a reason to give up after some "unhelpful experiences" - you need to find "the right" person (and in case of a therapist, it's much easier than to find "the right" partner ) and to believe in progress and not to give up even when the hard work in therapy takes a long time. Your problems have been forming during many years, so it may take some years to overcome them. But it's worth it - the alternative (death) is "simpler" and also seems more attractive at the moment, but... I believe that there's still a part of you that wants to live - what you refuse is not life itself, but life as it's been so far for you. And life can change. You can change. And it seems you want it, just don't know how to do it. Why I think you want it? Because you came here to communicate about your suicidal feelings. And I also know you see, although unclearly, some way: You've already made some steps in the right direction: you've made a friend you can share the problems with self-injury with, you came here to seek some support and understanding. ) What do you think is the reason why you're suddenly feeling "unable" or reluctant to tell him about your self-harm? What's changed? Is this worse than "usual" now? Can you tell why? May I ask you something about this topic? (BTW; I used to be a girl with gender dysphoria (I just didn't know the term). For some time, I even believed that I would go for the surgery... But now I'm a woman, still with some issues in this regard, but... not wanting transition. I've been just lucky; it turned out I wasn't really trans, just gender-dysphoric. My husband and my therapist helped me to accept myself (more or less - I still have some issues) "as I am". I'm mentioning this all just to show that I'm not negatively prejudiced and that I can relate to this kind of feelings. But I'm not mentioning it to show you that "you also could accept your biological gender" - NO! I don't know about you and I suppose it may (or may not) be impossible for you. The only important thing is to find it out for yourself and "be who you really are".) I'm not sure I understand what you wrote about it: I suppose "being a transboy" means you're already living as a boy. But feeling dysphoric means you're not living as the gender you feel you are. So... what's the case for you? How do you deal with this? Has this been the reason for the bullying you've mentioned? Appart from psychotherapy, there are diverse other strategies how to overcome the effects of adverse childhood experiences (ACEs). For instance, you can read this: https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-last-best-cure/201508/8-ways-people-recover-post-childhood-adversity-syndrome As I mentioned, ACEs have to be taken seriously. I would recommend you to learn more about this topic, so that you could understand your life better and make better decisions. Here is one of the articles about it: https://www.scottishrecovery.net/resource/focusing-on-childhood-adversity-can-transform-health-and-social-care-in-scotland/ But it may sound too horrible when you read about all the negative impacts , so before starting, read this positive, hopeful excerpt from the end of the text: Here is more about the ACE study, I mainly recommend the CBC radio series - it explains a lot and include also positive, hope-bringing examples... http://www.tedmed.com/talks/show?id=293066 http://www.cbc.ca/radio/ideas/all-in-the-family-part-1-1.3523111 Have you considered watching some talks from suicide survivors (it may be easier than reading when you're in a crisis)? For instance: https://www.ted.com/topics/suicide Take care and keep posting!
  7. Hello, Toby, welcome! Don't worry about something being "too personal" or writing a "too long" post! You can share what you need here - it could help you to "get it out" and it helps us to understand you better and to relate. (Moreover, what you posted so far wasn't very personal/detailed and/or long at all ) . Feel free to vent here and in case you sometimes feel it's about something you don't want to be public, you may write on a blog here - it's visible only to members (or only to the members you chose). I'm going to write more in my next post, but I'm posting this right now to let you know asap that we're here to listen and we care. Take care and... despite all your feelings and your "dark" thoughts, just don't do anything bad / hurtful to yourself. That's the most important now. You can, in time and with some help, overcome your attitude to yourself, you can even start to feel good and enjoy life (I know (also from my own experience); it sounds absurd now, it surely does, but this feeling doesn't mean it really is impossible!), but once you cut all your chances (by suicide), those positive changes won't happen... Take care!
  8. I'm very glad to hear you fell understood and you're going to write a letter! Make it a long-one, so that it explains everything you're able to explain for now (you'll surely learn much more about yourself in time and so also others will understand you better than after the first letter!). I can see now that you've been through a lot in your family . It's natural that you've been struggling with psychological problems - seeing such situations (as you described here) can be very traumatizing. Did you talk about them with somebody? With your therapist? And did your parents explain to you what happened and why? And did you try to explain it to him? Anyway; it's just useless and even stupid to call you a masochist. It sounds like if your brother needed a simple and fast "explanation" of your "incomprehensible"/complicated behaviour and he doesn't care if it's true, he just wants it to be simple and "ending the need for search for understanding". One day, when you'll understand yourself much better, you'll be able to explain it all to him in a simple manner. Unfortunately, it's possible that in the meantime, he won't be supportive and interested enough. But don't take his opinion as important, don't think that he's right when he judges you. What you could do is to try to understand him - how he sees you (your behavior) and why; the lack of which information prevents him from seeing you more realistically? What info about you would make it easier for him to understand you better? Good for you! It's important to stop dangerous behaviour and it's often very difficult, but you did it! It can give you more hope for other beneficial changes in your life. This is one of your important observations. We all have the tendency to mimic what we observe - sometimes more, sometimes less. But knowing that "now I'm acting as somebody I saw (/read about), but at the same time, I think this isn't good, I would prefer act differently" - that's important for getting rid of the behavior! It's you who decides about your behavior. You may sometimes feel like yo don't have enough control, but you can gain it back. It takes efforts and sometimes also therapy. This is surely something to talk about with your therapist: How to gain rational control over your behaviour, how to get rid of unconscious, unwanted mimicking. Such repetition is typical for psychological symptoms. You can get rid of it - you can break the circle. You just need a professional to help you with it. But you also have to ask the professional for such help. Good luck!
  9. Hello, L.! I can relate to this very much. I used to feel this way for years, I even "couldn't" go to a therapist and/or psychiatrist for these reasons. I waited until I "couldn't function" in my everyday life. Since then, of course, I've regretted it (this "delay") very much... It's very hard to believe when you're stuck in such a situation and when you have such a relationship to yourself (-> also speaking from my own experience as well as from many experiences here on the forum), but your problems aren't "stupid" or "unimportant" or "not deserving attention" and you yourself aren't a person who doesn't deserve care and love. You just feel this way now because of your issues. Try to see this all as one of the symptoms of your illnesses (because it really is so). So... I know it's very difficult to make the first step and approach somebody to communicate your need for help. But it's not impossible and it's important - that's key. You can do it. You can, for instance, write down everything in a letter (that's my preferred way and I know many other people also consider it more comfortable). When you write, you have more time to choose your words and topics and well express everything important (including the reasons why you didn't tell her sooner, what you expect and what you fear, ...), not letting your shyness or embarrassment or self-hate suddenly stop you "somewhere mid-way". Also, the person you're addressing has (when being approached in a written form) more time to think about the appropriate reaction and help. BTW; writing is easier also because when you write, you can be totally open thanks to imagining you won't give the letter to her (and when it's finished, then you can fully acknowledge its importance and can take the next step - giving it to her). In any case; you should reach for help; it doesn't have to be via a letter, it just "has to" happen. You've already done the first step - you posted here! I see that school is very demanding and it's good that you don't want to neglect your responsibilities. However, one of your responsibilities, also related to the performance at school, is also caring for your mental health. I suppose you'd need more than you "can" do now, in this situation when you need so much of your time to study, but at the same time, I'm sure you can do at least "something" helpful; the key is to find a new way to organize your life. You surely cannot study all the time! So; what're you going to do with the "spare" time? It's up to you to decide. But as you're depressed and so unwell, you cannot easily make the right decisions about this - that's one of the reasons you need some help. Perhaps your teacher would be ideal for this (=perhaps you wouldn't even need a psychologist for this particular "task"): She may help you to make something like "a time schedule" with the activities you'd need to include in your life (for instance, spending some time in nature, having some physical activities, eating healthy food - all this is very important for fighting depression and other mental issues, as well as for maintaining good memory and being able to sustain stress - and it only seems to you now it would be impossible to get this all into your life). You've been already crying for help many years... When you start doing it by words, not by self-destruction, when you finally start to open yourself to help and care and love of others, your body won't give up and will be able to start to get better. I cannot promis you it will be easy or fast, of course. It needs time, but first of all, it needs to start very soon ("before it's too late")... You can do it and you deserve it. You don't think so now, but when you follow the advises and follow the part of your mind which wants to live and get better (- the part of your mind which helped you to talk to your teacher before and who made you write the posts here), then you'll get slowly in the state when you'll feel and believe it yourself (-that you deserve to be well and to be loved and cared for). Take care and god luck! P.S.: Oh; which bad English, where?? It didn't even occur to me you're not a native speaker when reading your posts. BTW; sorry for my bad English ! (As you can probably see, I'm not an anglophone, but... the times when I used to always apologize for my English on-line are long gone ... It doesn't mean I ignore that I make mistakes and express myself sometimes very awkwardly, but ... now I'm mainly able to enjoy the fact I can communicate so much, with so many people, when I need to.)
  10. Yes, it seems to me, too, that you're unconsciously seeking attention, mainly because you're so upset when people don't take you seriously or pretend they don't know about what you did. But there are probably some other reasons why you've developed this addiction; it would take good psychotherapy to uncover and understand them. Anyway; you know at least about this one: you suffer and people around you don't try (enough) to help you, so you're upset and try to show them you need attention, understanding, and help by harming your body, because injury is visible to everyone, while psychological suffering is hidden and too often dismissed / ignored. So what could you do to move towards what you need? It seems to me it could be helpful to stop using such implicite, "metaphorical" means to communicate your problems to others (family, doctors, ?) as well as stop lying (to your doctor, as you mentioned, for instance). Unfortunately, they don't get it; they don't understand what's going on with you, they're just confused, worried, but also paralyzed by the lack of understanding, so they look like giving up or not caring at all. But it's obvious they'd prefer you to be fine! But how could that happen if you don't help them to help you? You can do it by words much better than by self-injury and suicide attempts. I know talking is often too difficult. But you may write a letter (/several letters) to your family and to the doctors / therapists. You may take several days to do it, to rewrite it, to include everything important and formulate it in a clear enough way. Don't forget to explain your 'history', your current situation, as well as what you think you'd need (from them). What do you think? Good luck!
  11. Instrumental: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gw9fKuymA0I
  12. Everyone should listen and be aware of it... http://www.cbc.ca/radio/outintheopen/invisible-illness-1.4019095
  13. (((A))) I'm sorry you've been feeling worse . Did you speak with your mother about it because you wanted her approval for you to see a psychiatrist and try medication? If so, why would you need her approval? You're now over 18, you can decide for yourself. I suppose you have to pay a part of the price of the meds, but... couldn't you use some spare money of yours for it? Are all too expensive? I'm not saying you "have to" take an antidepressant - perhaps not. (Psychotherapy would probably be better, but... I know it's even less available .) But if you finally feel you'd be willing to try it, I'll support and encourage you. Just ignore your mom - she's not a physician or scientist or even biologist or psychologist, so why would her opinion matter?? Take care!
  14. system

    Hello and welcome! I'm sorry you've been harassed and called fake. It has to be hurtful and frustrating when almost nobody understands and/or believes you... May I ask about the situations when it happen? I mean... how (and perhaps why) do you interact with others; do you always show them more than one of 'your identities'? If yes; is it a choice or you cannot control it? Does it change somehow spontaneously 'who / which of you' communicates with people around you? Do people hurt you when such confusions happen or is it (also?) in other types of situations? (I'm probably a bit confusing in my questions, but I'm just trying to understand you better and don't have a less 'clumsy' way, at least so far.) 'Being one' and living with a mental illness is often very difficult; having several 'parts' with different mental issues, that has to be even more challenging ... Do you want to share some of the difficulties it brings? Anyway, feel free to write what you need to . We're here at least to listen and sometimes even 'being heard' helps one to feel better. BTW; don't worry about "rambling" or "long introductions" - this forum is here also as a place "to vent" . (Moreover, your post isn't even particularly long !) Take care and good luck!
  15. I feel and think the same that Resolute and Vic. have posted, M. Don't worry about this. I think it's rather an exception when someone takes an advise from a forum and gets better - it must be a particular situation and its particular coincidence with an appropriate advise. Sometimes I try anyway (to "give advise"), because... one never knows when such coincidence will happen . In any case; it's certainly better to "whine" and share what you feel etc. (with people who want to listen and understand), without "following our advises", than to immure yourself and suffer alone. It'll sound weird but this is something I also too often tend to think, despite my relatively young age (and my absence of knowledge about having a lethal illness). So... what to tell you to show you it doesn't have to be this way? Because I know it doesn't. What you describe ("life over, biding time until death") isn't a fact about your life, it's only a description of your perception, of your attitude, opinion. Somebody would even say: your decision. Because we can decide what our attitudes and opinions are, although it's sometimes "too" difficult to substantially change them. Take care!