LaLa

Hello and welcome, @warmside! I'm sorry that this forum has been so (relatively) silent the last few years and, thus, even we, the moderators, don't visit often enough to approve quickly new posts from new members... How can we help? What brings you here? Feel free to share what you feel like sharing. Take care!

BTW, have you seen...?

and many other-ones...

A short story: https://www.nature.com/articles/d41586-022-03424-x

Hi, Loom, How have you been doing? What's new? (I hope "no news is good news"...)

I've just heard there was a program about it on BBC! https://youtu.be/xZc4FY4rSoo?t=1404

Hi, Sundar, welcome! I'm sorry your wife caused the resurgence of this stupid, harmful obsession and suffering. I don't understand why she blames yous size; there are other ways you can satisfy her; it's just her fault she is mentally stuck on "doing it the one way" - the one when size can matter. It seems you have a very good relationship and can be honest with each other, so it could be helpful to discuss and try "other ways" with her. I don't get women who are so stupid that they blame their lack of satisfaction on male anatomy... Good luck and take care!

Hi, Yes, you can send me a private message; no problem. I am just not sure when I'll have time to reply, so don't worry if it takes time...

Hi, Gabi, welcome! I'm sorry I don't have enough time to write more, but I hope this will be helpful enough: - I'm sure this explanation also fits the kinds of thoughts you (and so many other people!!!) describe: https://youtu.be/QlG6ynbhQp0?t=112 - Here is one of the websites about this kind of OCD: https://psychcentral.com/ocd/am-i-a-monster-common-features-of-pedophilia-ocd If rationally realising that you are not a pedophile doesn't help, then seeking help for OCD would be a good idea. I wish you good luck and am looking forward to your reply.

Hi again, @CookieCrane, I wonder how you're doing. Has anything changed about the situation in your family? Are your parents more understanding and accepting of your problem, your difference? I also wonder if you can remember how it begun and what triggered it, if anything. Are there any other changes in your life, behaviour or feelings that occurred at the same time?

Hi, Loom, and welcome! I'm sorry for the late reply. This forum hasn't been very active in the recent years, so sometimes it can take days until anyone reads the new posts... I understand how close you are to your husband and how important he is in your life, now even more than ever as your family is alone in a foreign country. It is natural that you're so scared. There is just one thing I would call slightly surprising: That you don't want to talk about the fear with him. I don't know, maybe it's somehow helpful to some people to talk just optimistically and hide all fears, but... Do you think it's really your case? You mentioned he's probably as scared as you are, he perhaps seeks some reassurance from you, but... it might be worse for him to have to hide his fears, thinking that expressing them would hurt you, ... I imagine that expressing them to you would alleviate his stress about the surgery. Perhaps he even thinks you're naive and cannot see any risks, so he doesn't want to talk about anything negative to protect you, even though he would need to talk about it. Perhaps he thinks that you would consider him being less "manly" if he expressed his fears, so he has to pretend. Wouldn't it be better to be open and honest? You don't need to tell him everything about you crying so often and feeling so terribly without him by your side, but you can tell him you'll miss him a lot when he'll be in the hospital. At the same time, I also hope you'll find a way to feel less "lost" and will find some strength to cope even when being alone with the baby, waiting for him. The baby is also his child, so perhaps focusing more on them, their presence, could be a way to "stay connected". I know they cannot "give you what he does". I understand that you need "his presence", not just "the notion of him in your life", but... this is a hardship that could also be an opportunity to evolve, to grow, to become stronger. How you feel can be also influenced by the attitude, the narrative you choose. Now, your attitude and narrative are "I'm helpless without him, it will be too hard, he's the only one who can make me feel better, and I have to hide all this, as well as my fears, from everybody". But you are not helpless, you'll be able to cope (it's just harder if you tell yourself you won't), you can find ways how to feel better that don't rely on his presence (you just haven't got a motivation to try enough, so far - but this could be it), and you don't have to appear as strong and blindly optimistic, you can and may talk about your fears. You can make a plan - alone or together with your husband - for the time he'll be in the hospital. What could you change in your daily "routine"? What can you do during the hours when your baby will sleep? If you have plans ("a list of possible activities"), it could make you feel better, but it could make also your husband feel better, knowing that you'll know what to do, how to cope, how to prevent excessive suffering from his absence. What do you think? I wish you both the best of luck!!! Mainly with the surgery and recovery from it - that's the most important part - but also with the mental preparation for it and with your coping during your husband's absence.

Another kind of influence of the microbiome on mental health: https://neurosciencenews.com/bacteria-saliva-suicide-21303/

You're welcome, but sorry for not being actually helpful... I'm glad to know you're in therapy. I hope it will really help, although each therapy needs time... Sorry to hear your therapist is not available right now. I don't know what usually happens when therapists are on maternity leaves! I imagined someone would "sit in" for them, but... it probable wouldn't work in case of psychotherapy as the relationship itself and "the history" are so important... When should she be back? Take care!

Hi, BryanM, welcome! I'm so sorry and disgusted people react to both "extremes of the bell curve" like total idiots... The only idea that comes to mind is "loose clothes", but it was surely your first idea, too, and it cannot always help... Unfortunately, despite this is theoretically a "non-issue" (it's not a disease, not a deformation, ...), I would probably look for advise from and for people who are physically handicapped and have to cope with others weirdly looking at them. Although in their case, at least the "accusatory element" isn't present, so it might not help much. I wonder what advise men suffering from SPS would have for you... I'm sorry, I don't know what else to say, at least today (I'm tired and don't have much time).

Hi, Bryan, I'm sorry for not approving both at the same time! This was just an anomaly; we didn't notice both posts...

Thanks for your replies! It occurred to me that you can tell her to replace all that has become unpleasant to you by something else you would both enjoy. There are probably things you still like doing with your mom, some ways of sharing nice moments together without touching, ... or you can even think of something new. Create a new "ritual" to replace hugging. But you might perhaps also set a time/ a minute each day or each week to hug, so that you would have a chance to get used to it, if you want, and she could still do it; just not anytime, unexpectedly. But this depends on your tolerance to this discomfort... I think it might be useful to search for something that might have triggered it and perhaps also for specific reasons why you don't like what you don't like (what precisely does bother you and in what ways). I would also try to explain to her why it cannot be her fault (not just say "it's not" - she doesn't have a reason to believe it). Would she agree to get you some professional psychological help? That would be great, but I don't know if it's an option (as parents have to consent and it probably costs money).

It's great that you want to be there for her! I don't know how much you know already, but I would start by reading different advises from professionals, for instance: https://au.reachout.com/articles/how-to-help-a-friend-with-an-eating-disorder https://www.beateatingdisorders.org.uk/get-information-and-support/support-someone-else/tips-for-supporting-somebody-with-an-eating-disorder/ https://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/learn/help/caregivers https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/eating-problems/for-friends-family/ This communication can take place also over the internet, why not? I think it would be good to first gain a stable, more important place in her life ("become better friends / closer") before starting to talk about the eating disorder. When she sees you as a person who cares and has a good, trustful, ... relationship with her, then she will probably be more open to this difficult topic. What do you think?

Hi, @CookieCrane, welcome! I agree with the previous post. I also wonder if it's specific to your mom or if the same kind of touching would feel the same from anyone else (for instance, your siblings). And may I ask how old you are? (Perhaps the change is associated with puberty (?)...) I think it can be seen as any other "dislike" or as a phobia - one isn't responsible for it, it should be explained to loved-ones, and they can respect and accommodate your needs it causes. At the same time, it could perhaps be overcome (if phobias can be, why not this?), but if your mom is understanding, she could just stop hugging you or you could find some kind of compromise. What do you think? And what would yo prefer?

BTW, if you have a Netflix account, I would recommend this series (not just for teenagers ) - it shows how confusing and hard it can be when a boy realises for the first time he's attracted to another boy. I know it's not what you're going through, but I imagine it could be interesting to watch and inspiring to some more self-discovery (confronting your own emotions with those of others in situations a bit similar to yours): https://youtu.be/FrK4xPy4ahg If it doesn't help you, it can at least bring some light entertainment (I find it quite fun and nice to watch and it has many, many enthusiastic fans ).

Hello, @ImOne234Ever, welcome! I'm sorry you haven't received any reply yet. This forum has been very quiet in the recent years; very few people are active here and we only come from time to time. I hope you also posted on some other forums and have been successful there in making contacts. I can relate to your longing for a "forever friend"; it's a very comforting, beautiful idea to have one. I think deep friendship isn't very easy to find and the kind you long for is relatively rare. But having a good friend for a few years is much better than having none, that's why I would suggest to just look for a truly good friend, not labelling him "forever" from the start. People change, life circumstances change; it's impossible to make such long-term commitments. I suppose after the abuse and the childhood experiences (moving a lot, ...) you had, plus the current 'confusion' you describe, it feels even harder to find a close friend who would finally be a really good person, treating you well, supporting you in your self-understanding, ... Don't let all that discourage you! You never know when and where you'll meet a precious person that can change your life forever with true friendship! (Yes; the beneficial changes are "forever", even if the friendship is just temporary. ) Are there some places / activities which would allow you to meet new people and communicate, thus "searching for" a friend? I wonder what precisely the doctor said because it seems confused. "Having homosexual thoughts or feelings is not wrong" is, of course, true. But the fact that he dismissed your suffering ("My thoughts are my nightmares", ...) is worrying and sad. And unprofessional. I would recommend to find a psychologist / psychotherapist you could talk to about the suffering itself - to find out why the idea of being perhaps homosexual (or asexual) is so frightening to you and to understand more what you feel and why. Don't let the one bad experience with a doctor stop you from searching for a good professional who would help you. You don't need help "not to feel sometimes homosexual", you need help to understand yourself more and (consequently) not be tormented by these (nor other) issues. Feel free to write us more about any of this. Writing can often help to see things more clearly. Good luck and take care!

Happy new year!

Thank you, Vic! Same to you, too!

Hello, @glam-girl, welcome! I'm sorry your posts were not approved sooner! This forum is sometimes very quiet and even moderators don't have often time to check if there are new members waiting for approval... I'm glad you shared your preference (/obsession) here with others who have such horrible experiences with "the opposite kind of women". It's good to know there are people like you. At the same time, be prepared that it won't help them as they don't know any woman with the preference you have, so they won't care that "a girl like that exists somewhere". I wonder: Who do you expect to be judged by? Do you think it's something to be judged for? Anyway; welcome and feel free to post more.