TheRaggedyEdge

It's been a long time since I've posted here. Absolutely nothing has changed. The façade remains up, though it remains a soul-sucking chore. Coping is difficult today. Studying some neurological views of Sam Harris has helped, particularly his views on "free will." If you can accept what appears to be some basic biological truths, it eliminates any cause for animosity toward others. I am, however, still so very alone.

It is possible my wife would keep my secret, as she's not very devout (thank someone-other-than-god). But in the end, she does believe. I think she would feel obliged to bring it to the attention of the church, ironicly for my benefit. Even if she did keep it a secret, her belief and her conscience would end up stressing her out probably as much as this is currently stressing me out, and I don't want to do that to her. I also remember the pain of losing my faith, initially; of wanting to believe so badly and yet having reason and logic tell me otherwise. I've come to terms with that, I've found peace with my view of the universe, to the point that now I find the religious worldview a touch repulsive. But it was not a smooth ride. (Actually, this paragraph sounds a lot like stories I've heard of people who managed to quit smoking.) It's not something I want to see her go through ... she already has occasional problems with depression. I don't know in what spirit this was posted, but there is no more spiritual experience for me than standing on the deck of a ship, in the middle of the Caribbean sea, out of sight of any land, late at night, and watching the ocean and the stars, and thinking about our insignificant little place in space and time, and how marvellous it is that I can even contemplate such things. You don't need god to see with spiritual eyes. (Unfortunately, I live landlocked in a northern --currently snow&ice covered-- country, so I don't get to do that often.)

Thank you! Yes, you're understanding this correctly. I have at some point decided (consciously or not) that the lie is the lesser evil than the truth in this case. The problem is now with me. It's a facade I'm having a very difficult time maintaining. I'm so obviously not interested in religion (even my children are noticing.) They are still at an age where they look at my opinion as everything, and then they ask me something that a believer would have a completely absurd answer for, and I sit there looking at them, my mouth moving and no sound coming out, as I try to figure out how to give an answer that is not absolute nonsense and yet does not cross their religious sensibilities. Here's an actual conversation i've had. "Dad, at school they said birds came from dinosaurs, is that true?" "... um. That's what scientists believe." "...are they right?" "It's very flattering that you trust my opinion more than the scientists. Thank you. But really, what you need to do is investigate it for yourself. Because scientists know far more about science than I do. I really like science, but I am not a scientist." See, what my son is looking for, is my opinion. If I say "Yes, birds evolved from dinosaurs," then I'm affirming the theory of evolution and that's a big no-no here. (Which also drives me crazy. It's such an obvious, basic fundamental fact of biology... religion does terrible things to logic and reason.) But there's absolutely no way in hell I'm going to say "No, Genesis says God created the flying creatures of the heavens blah blah blah." My daughter asked me the other day why I look so bored when we're at church. I think the issue here is the lie is so hard to maintain, and at this point, it doesn't take much to see there's absolutely no conviction behind the lie. What makes it harder is I have absolutely NOBODY to confide in on this. I can't talk about it anywhere.

I feel stupid even posting here. So many people have real problems, and I've got no business having difficulty coping, but it's been ten years and I don't know how to keep going, I feel completely trapped. This story requires some setup. It may not make any sense to some of you. I'm a forty year old father of two children, aged 10 and 7. I'm happily married, I love my family, I've got no indiscretions of closet skeletons in that regard. None of us was abused, I've had an almost ideal life. My parents are still married after nearly 50 years together, and while age has finally begun to impact their health, they've been wonderful to me. I get along great with my in-laws. My father and mother-in-law are a pleasure to be with. Family is really everything to all of us. And yet despite this, my problems are entirely family oriented. This boils down to religion. (I'm not posting in the religious support forum for a reason, which you'll see shortly.) I was raised a Jehovah's Witness. So was my wife, and my family is all still in the "church." I'm not going to get into things that are wrong dogma - i see all religion the same. They're no different than any other church, that I can see, except in one way that is tearing me apart from the inside. They believe that they are the only way to salvation, and that it is so important to keep people on the "straight and narrow" that extended families will actually shun someone who leaves, or who professes a different belief. This isn't because they don't love their families, they firmly believe that they are doing the right thing - for everyone involved. They view this as both a protection to the believers, and a motivation for the erring one to turn their life around. Salvation is at stake! Except I don't believe any of it. I'm a rational person. Reason and logic are everything. There is no empirical evidence that a deity exists. The universe, at this point, really explains its own existence. I don't claim to know that God doesn't exist, in much the same way I don't know that garden fairies don't exist. It doesn't mean I lend them any credence whatsoever. Around when my son was born I finally accepted this, and abandoned superstitions and traditions - in my mind. Furthermore, while I can't prove that God does not exist, I can be fairly sure that the christian god does not exist in any way that they believe. The bible and their doctrines are full of so many logical holes that it really isn't worth considering. An all-powerful deity certainly could have designed the universe so that it looks the way it does now, but if that deity then demands worship and faith, he or she is a jerk, because they've designed the universe in a way that would lead the unbiased observer to assume that their existence is a lie. Anyway, I'm not going any further with this, nor am I debating it (please, nobody try to save my soul here, it won't help.) So for the last decade I've appeared to be "drifting" as far as the others are concerned. I agree with them, I nod and smile, I spout the same religious platitudes, but there's no sincerity behind it. It's a facade, and a decaying one at that. I simply can't maintain it. I was at "church" the other night and heard one of the speakers explain how Genesis 1 was all the proof we needed that Evolution and the Big Bang didn't happen and I was hard pressed not to roll my eyes and walk out. It gets harder every time. My children believe, and would be horrified to find out their daddy does not. My parents would be devastated and cut off contact, and my father likely wouldn't survive the stress. My wife, who's entire life revolves around her family, would find that they would no longer visit our house or go on vacation with us, she'd have to go to them (without me.) But my kids have noticed. They ask questions about why I don't do this or that, or why I seem not to care. They have even started to express a desire to have a greater share in religious activities. Congregation elders are trying to "help" me, and I can't even tell them why I'm having the troubles I am. The entire facade is crumbling around me. I mean, they're all good people, even the people in the church trying to help me, but they can't ever understand. I'm losing myself. I don't have anything other than these people, at all. I have no support structure in my life except for these people, and they're the reason I need support. I simply don't know what to do anymore. I am not who these people think I am, and if they ever find out, I lose everything.