skyentist

I wish I had something to tell you, but all I can do is relate. I'm sorry for what your going through, and I'm sorry I'm not able to help.

Apathy can be a bitch.

To quote my favourite TV show in the history of TV shows: 900 years of time and space and I’ve never met anyone who wasn’t important.

I don't know if I'm qualified to give you any reasons to live. I'd spent sometime with that issue myself. One thing I've learnt is that you ought to enjoy the little things, you shouldn't wait for some huge tabloid outside your window telling what's your purpose in life, that won't happen. You won't find out what is the point of being alive and existing until it happens. One good reason, on my opinion? Curiosity. You never know what tomorrow will bring. It can be worse, it can be better or it can be whatever you were meant to do. If this is not enough, think about auroras. Think about seeing the sun rise in an airplane. Have you ever? The most beautiful thing I've ever seen, brought tears to my eyes and I thought "I'm going to live for it and if I die now, I'll die happy". For some time now I've convinced myself that suicide is not worth it unless you are in peace with yourself. Imagine, you'll die angry and sad with everything around you, it will be the last feeling, the last impression of you on Earth. Do you really want people to remember you like this? Is it worth dying when the last thing you'll feel is contempt and anger? As my friend caninoespacial said, and I paraphrase: you ought to enjoy the little things. Drink, eat, read, listen to music, travel, drink again, eat more, read until your eyes hurt, stay up late and watch the sun rise, watch it set down, swim, run, don't take pictures, don't waste your time with meaningless things, break glasses, plates, mirrors. Get fat, go on a diet, get a pet, tell someone you love them, take risks. Suicide is a waste of flesh, a waste of time, a waste of brightness, a waste of opportunities, a waste of love, of art, of energy.

Oh, thank you. There was no need.

I like auroras. The northern ones, specially. I'm much better today, thanks. Struggling with a bad grade, but nothing serious.

Today was not a good day. I feel like there's nothing left. Actually, there never is. I wrapped a rope around my neck and squeezed as hard as I could. Also felt like staying underwater for a few minutes. I don't know what's going wrong. I just want to sleep.

No, I don't.

My school doesn't have a counsellor. The old one had, but she was terrible. My mom had - still has - trouble accepting my anxiety. She's not the supportive type and that's why I'm afraid to tell her about this. Since I was a kid, I wanted to be a neuroscientist. I know about some conditions that have hallucinations as a symptom. It's hard. Yesterday a friend offered to take me to the emergency. Don't know if it's a good idea. Thank you for replying, thank you very much indeed.

It's been almost a year now since the hallucinations started. Or at least since I became aware of them. Usually I hear sounds, a group of people whispering together or loud sirens. Sometimes there's a guy, he's a murderer and he's my friend, sometimes. The hallucinations might have started earlier, I remember strangling a girl for no reason. I don't know how to tell other people about this, specially my mom, the only person who could actually get me help. I'm afraid she won't believe me, I'm afraid not to have the right words to tell her that her child is crazy. She already had a hard time accepting my social anxiety. I don't know what to do. With the voices, with my imaginary friend, my mom. Should I seek for help alone? If so, how? I don't know what to do.