CNL

Why would SJWs have a problem with someone trying to defend another marginalized group? People do tend to not like it when you call out the hypocrisy, because they feel "accused" of something, which is why I think you can't approach it too seriously. Society just finds small penises too comical for anything that seriously addresses the issue to last 2 days without becoming a meme. As far as garnering empathy I agree a youtube channel or a book might work, but that's not really I'm talking about. I want a comedian less to take society to task for shitting on us, and more to just talk about how shitty this really is without getting bombarded by a bunch of worthless advice. "Look, women, imagine that 80 percent of the other women in this world have super-vaginas that secrete a chemical that doubles the sensitivity of the penis, and makes sex objectively better with them than with you. Do you know how shitty that would make you feel? Do you understand that every guy with even an average dick has to deal with this feeling, with knowing you probably got plowed by some bigger guy and will always remember that as, in a purely physical sense, the best sex you ever had? Could you all just acknowledge how much that sucks for us please, just because empathy naturally makes us feel a little better when something sucks and you can't do anything about it? Don't you get pissed when men try to come up with reasons it doesn't suck that bad to have a period? Just fucking agree that it sucks please." Whatever type of communicator can deliver this message or create this scenario, that's what I want. I chose comedy because I want to see this discussion take place in popular culture, in an arena that's not sectioned off for sensitive issues and political correctness. Take it too seriously, and the response could easily be "oh jeez, now we gotta use kid gloves for the guys with little dicks? Oh my god the world is so PC now wtf" - an idiot. You could curb some of that by making fun of yourself a little. Anyway, I've never been on this forum for advice. I want, just once, to feel like a woman has understood how shitty this feeling is, and to look just as helpless and distraught by the lack of any real solution as we are, because that would be the only proof of their understanding. I want them to suffer that, just because human beings naturally want other humans to understand them. Every woman that tries to convince us we take size too seriously is a woman who has no fucking idea what this feels like, and I hate all of them for it. It's like they're saying they could be in our position and do a better job. No bitch, you couldn't. Within thirty seconds you'd be stumped just like us. The only impulse that keeps me posting here is pedantry. My posts seem emotional, but it's the same energy you apply to correcting typos. I know what size anxiety feels like and what causes it, and everyone just gets it so fucking wrong. It's like reading an article that uses the wrong "your" over and over and over again. Can one woman get it right just once please? Just so my eye can stop twitching? Jesus Christ.

I actually don't want super large dimensions that skirt the line between pleasure and pain. Too many women complain about that, and say they prefer enough girth to feel "full," but not uncomfortably stretched. It has nothing to do with violence for me, and honestly, after having experimented with anal play myself, the idea of having a dick that a girl has to struggle to take in those scenarios you're describing just sounds tedious and inconvenient. I don't know about anyone else here, but I am not chasing that caricature of great sex at all. I agree that it's entirely about power though. I think the idea of non-PIV sexual activities is very appealing and even "pure," because it's removed from my insecurities. You can separate your dick from the idea of sexual power and just view intercourse as a source of physical bonding and pleasure, not as an affirmation of your identity, but to me there's nothing hopeful or helpful about that at all. The pleasure of sex is enhanced by the feeling of sexual power, and the fulfillment of the dominant/submissive roles. That's like telling a woman to not use her words or body language to accentuate her submissiveness (or whatever mentality she prefers) during sex - she can, but if that's her natural tendency it's going to make the sex much less satisfying. My natural tendency is to take pride in the dimensions of my dick and feel dominant for possessing it. Trying to stop myself from wanting that is about as exciting as jerking off without a mental image. It becomes completely mechanical and boring. The psychological part is where 99 percent of the enjoyment comes from. Again, that's a solution by way of giving up the thing you actually want. "Winning" by not playing, or playing a different game you never really wanted to play. It's a trans person just giving up on surgery and continuing to have sex in a body they don't want.

I've seen this brought up before, and apparently if you lead with dick size for any reason it's a red flag and you must only be interested in sex and you're a pig for bringing it up too early, and etc. It's the only thing that makes sense, but it's taboo.

I actually think comedy would be the best ambassador for us. If you don't lead with some self-deprecation people will pounce on the opportunity to subvert your message with ridicule, so you have to beat them to the punch. Also, comedy is the only medium in which I've ever encountered honesty about issues like this. Louis CK can get up on stage and do a bit about how some people really are just too ugly and undesirable to ever find someone and will likely die alone, and the audience will acknowledge the truth of it with laughter. Good luck ever getting that kind of honesty in a place like this. I could probably tell all of this shit to someone like Patrice O'Neal (if he were still alive) or Bill Burr, or a similar brutally honest comic, and get the response I think I'm looking for: "yeah man, you're right; you really are fucked you little dick faggot." *laughter* Getting ribbed like that would be more healing than all of the advice on forums like this put together, because it would indicate understanding from an outsider, something I have failed to achieve here and on the small penis subreddit despite a novella's worth of posts. Comedians are honest and raw and will admit when something just fucking sucks, and because it's a lighthearted and anonymous atmosphere the audience will admit it too. If one were to ever emerge explaining everything I've tried to say while just pleading, with some sincerity, for everyone to stop shitting on us more than biology already has, I think that would make more of a difference than some book in an age where no one reads. I'm aware that penis enlargement doesn't exist by the way, but it's far more helpful in any pursuit of knowledge to understand which variables cannot be changed and start from there. If we could get everyone to admit that using therapy or positive thinking to alter our desire to be bigger is actually much more difficult than inventing penis enlargement, however difficult that is, that would be a step in the right direction, because unanimous agreement on the fucking truth is always the right direction.

I've done this thought experiment before and while this would lessen the competitive aspect of the anxiety, women's experiments with dildos would inevitably reveal the goldilocks dimensions (for most women) to still be what they are in this reality, and that lost opportunity to make myself feel good by possessing and utilizing those dimensions would still depress me. Speaking of thought experiments, here's why I put no value in therapy or coping mechanisms. These are tools you implement in your headspace, and our abstract feelings about things, even our deep, primal beliefs and values, can to a certain extent be manipulated and rearranged into a custom, positive perspective that can help us to ward off dark thoughts. But confronting the idea of being small and lesser does not even compare to the visceral experience of it, any more than seeing a bear on TV compares to seeing one in real life. I think about a potential partner moaning louder for the better sensations produced by a bigger dick, and I can get over it mostly. It hurts, but I can push it out of my mind. But when you watch videos demonstrating the difference, and hear the difference through the walls - the extent to which actually being present for it enhances the anxiety cannot properly be described or understood by anyone who is not a man with a small penis. Get the most positive minded small man in the world in a room with his woman having sex with a larger man and enjoying that penis more, and the inferiority will feel like a physical violence in his mind. I guarantee it. Imagine having a condition that made you smell like literal shit constantly - you would never overcome this; being the smaller guy is like being the smells-like-shit guy. You will never like being that guy. You will always panic when you think about being that guy. There would be one way to escape, but not through the route the smaller man would actually desire. You can play the philosopher and consider the grander meanings of life, study meditation, and value other things more than sex, especially you age and other hardships of life force your interest in it to wane; essentially, you can disconnect your sense of self from the desire for sexual power and instead value other things in life. You can flip this switch in your brain using positive thinking. I've "done" it before, but what I realized is that this only works if that solution is in line with your principles. I reneged on that method because I eventually realized that incorporating size and sexual performance into my ego is something that I like, something that I believe a man should be able to experience, and to forego it is trying to win by not playing, not by actually winning. The solution I really want is not to increase the value of other things in life until they outweigh size anxiety, but to increase my size until I can experience sexuality in the way that I personally find it beautiful, and that includes the feeling of being proud of my penis and its size. Not being able to do that means I'll have just to suffer, but I'd rather do that than pretend I'm okay being small, because I'm not. I don't believe in being okay with being small. I reject the idea of therapy on principle. It is natural and even manageable that I hate my penis. I believe that the right thing to do is invent penis enlargement so we can experience sex the way we really want to deep down. I hope LaLa realizes that I understand exactly how she must have felt before. This issue is an onion within an onion. It takes an essay to explain one small part of it, and then another for each of the five questions that small part spawned. Anyway, I addressed that question somewhat above. Debilitating size anxiety is not a given for any small man. You can find a partner who accepts your penis and have a healthy sexual relationship with them, to the point that you're only bothered by it every now and then. The sticking point for me is that you can never get it to go away entirely because you'll always wish you could have sex the way you really want to, and feel the enthusiasm for your own size that you really want to. It's no different than a circumcised man longing for the sensations that were sliced off with his foreskin at birth. You could never expect him to stop longing for that, though you could expect him to stop torturing himself over it. But yet another can of worms is opened here: how exactly do you measure pain? What does it mean for the overall happiness of your life to be affected? I no longer have debilitating size anxiety that follows me 24/7 and gives me suicidal thoughts - that was a storm that passed, and that most small men probably can, not by therapy or positive thinking but because we each only have so much energy to give something, whether negative or positive. I'm just numb to it now. I would compare my struggles with size to my sexual frustration. Every time I see even a moderately attractive woman I feel this raw, jealous pang in my chest that ruins my appetite and attitude for about 30 seconds, and then I move on with my life. I'm so used to it at this point that it doesn't really bother me, and yet, paradoxically, I would probably give my life savings to be relieved of that feeling. It reminds me of when I still lived with my parents and would be told to do things like a child, knowing that I had to because if I was kicked out I had no options. That pang of embarrassment and humiliation eventually becomes too much for most teenagers and young adults, and many of them will do whatever it takes to escape it. Again, that pang only lasts for a few seconds - it's not even comparable to a bad papercut physically. And yet because it conflicts with our principles it feels much more damaging. Every time I masturbate or have any sexual thought at all, that pang sounds in my chest. I remember that I am jealous of women's sexual power, and of well endowed men's sexual power. I remember that I am afraid of any potential partner having been with a larger man, and that that fear is just as bad as having actually been cucked. I remember that no matter how good I became at sex with a small penis, which could be good enough to be amazing and give orgasms, I would never be able to have sex the way I want to have sex. I remember a post on reddit once, of a woman saying that you can make men who send dick pics uncomfortable by sending them back a picture of an even larger dick, and this insight was upvoted and heralded. How infuriating, that women wield this kind of power - that how I feel about my dick is biologically tied to the whims of an entity other than myself, not because of the entity itself but because of the body they possess. How fucking humiliating that I'll never be able to wrench that power from them by just having a dick that is objectively impressive and flipping them the bird. I don't even like that I need a woman to satisfy my sexual needs - I am all about defining my own self image and not caring what people think, but I can't because sexually satisfying women influences how I feel about myself, and so women are like a parent whose house I can never move out of. I do despise them because I need them. It's not right to need another human that way. It's a "flaw" in our biology, contrary to happiness that we desire women to the extent that we do, a straight up bad idea. If I could redesign us I would change that absolutely. All of these negative emotions and many more swirl for just a split second every time I have a sexual thought. It's so brief and manageable at this point that I'm actually proud of how well I can resist these thoughts. I don't consider it a huge obstacle in my life anymore; if I found a woman who liked my penis I would learn to please her and be happy and just push aside these thoughts for the mere hours sex comprises per month, as YOTH pointed out (although let's not pretend that the results of sex don't echo and influence our bodies and minds up until the next time it occurs; you may only work 8 hours a day, but having a job influences how you feel about yourself 24 hours a day; it's more than just the length of time). And yet still, because of my principles, I would sacrifice everything to be larger, even though I've essentially "solved" the problem as much as it can be solved and don't experience any debilitating amount of pain over it anymore. It leaves you in this weird purgatory where you're not agonizing over it anymore, and so it doesn't feel right to say that your overall happiness has been affected by it, and yet you're acutely aware of the gargantuan sacrifices you'd make to resolve the problem with enlargement, and so it also doesn't feel right to say your overall happiness hasn't been affected. It's just this nagging intuition that your life isn't what you want it to be, hence the comparison to gender dysphoria. It feels by turns like everything and nothing. You can't rate the "wrongness" or the pain of the feeling out of ten, and it's intensity fluctuates too much to be rated even if you could. The rating is wtf/10. It's "this just isn't right..." out of ten. Like my when my father was injected with a medicine that he was allergic to in the hospital. He wasn't in intense pain, but something just felt off, and he knew he was dying, so he just calmly told the nurses something was wrong, after which they promptly went nuts and corrected their mistake. He wasn't writhing on the bed, but he knew something was seriously wrong and needed it changed fucking now.

I don't think I reacted so strongly out of disagreement or misunderstanding, but because I'm hypersensitive about the semantics of this issue. I was more trying to make sure my position was understood by you and any other women reading than I was trying to rebuke anyone. My point was simply that some aspects of human psychology are as fundamental and consistent as our anatomy, and are no more subject to change just because some prerequisite knowledge of the world, like how sex functions, is required to perceive them. A transgendered person who grew up in a vacuum unaware of the other sex they would prefer to be would not be able to categorize or label the dysphoria inside of them - but it would still be there, though dormant due to lack of information. My issue is that the hard, complicated, and long-lasting quality of therapeutic methods just indicates to me that a man is fighting against the current of his own nature when he tries to "accept" having a small penis. It has nothing to do with society, upbringing, personal experiences, and etc in the sense that the dislike of being small arises from instincts so foundational that none of those things could have possibly influenced it to any significant degree. You're up against the basic human affinity for beauty and pleasure, from which follows an enmity for the portions of it we've lost due to our size. The intensity with which these two express themselves in regard to penis size is something that was tuned by evolution itself and cannot be changed. A transgendered person experiencing dysphoria over their body is not battling anything more fundamental to themselves than our size anxiety is to us, and neither can be fixed except by altering the body itself because it's about how you feel about yourself, not about any external influences at all. I wasn't presenting this as a counter argument to anything, but as a statement of the way it just is. But no woman will ever be capable of understanding. Give them 60 seconds in a male body with a small penis and they would though, and that's the frustrating part. It's irrational to feel an ungodly spiritual dissonance between your body and mind because a bodypart is slightly too thin or short, and it's maddening to have such a mechanism hardwired into your brain, and to know that it's hardwired, and yet have everyone question this because it's irrational. I remember reading once about an experiment where the scientists could stimulate a certain part of the brain to immediately conjure the thought of a certain color in the participant. Zap, "red," and done. No steps in between. Trying to explain why I just inherently hate having a small penis is like that person trying to explain the steps in between that aren't there. There fucking isn't one. I just want someone out there to understand this.

Most jokes about cancer or rape function by shocking the audience with an ironic mitigation of their subject's severity; what the joke is really saying is that making fun of this thing is so heinous and ridiculous that it makes you laugh when I even pretend to do it. Small dick jokes are not ironically suggesting small dicks are undesirable - that's the entire point. It's like herpes jokes. The joke is that some people are stuck with a condition that makes them undesirable to many people forever, not that it's literally laughable to make fun of those people for having that condition. It's still possible for hurtful jokes like that to be funny because humor is just a reaction to certain patterns of delivery and rhetoric into which any topic can be fitted. It just means that some jokes are going to be funny and hurtful at the same time. It would, however, be nice if society actually acknowledged the pain those people experience in other arenas. I'd be a lot less annoyed by small dick jokes if we'd gotten the big media pity party the other marginalized groups have gotten; I'd have a reason to believe that it's all in good fun because they must have seen one of the thousands of articles or shows about how the vast majority of even decently sized men have anxiety about this, and that a fair amount have suicidal thoughts and depression over it. But that ain't the way it is nor the way it'll ever be.

I don't buy for one second that when a transgendered woman looks in the mirror and desires breasts and a vagina that all they're desiring is these objects alone, just having the shapes attached to them; they want these things and what they symbolize, all of the ways that having them would change innumerable relationships with external objects and people in the world. That I didn't have SPS until I understood its ramifications sexually doesn't rupture the comparison in any way imo. We learn and feel out masculinity and femininity earlier than our sexual identities - that doesn't make us any more or less born with either. A transgendered person desires change because an intricate but rigid and unchangeable aspect of their psychological makeup doesn't correspond to their physicality. Wanting to be a woman or a man is as multi-faceted a desire as wanting to have a penis that can actually get at more than 50 percent of a vagina's physical pleasure potential (not having one is a fact that hurts me deeply even when it exists in a vacuum removed from any comparison with any other man with any size penis, and also from any woman with any positive or negative opinion of what my penis can achieve). In fact if I had to pick one that was more tied up in psychological factors both internal and external it wouldn't be the guy crying over his cock. At best they're equal in this way. In any case the legitimacy of the comparison isn't what I'm interested in. It just bothers me that one group is taken at their word and gets their pain acknowledged and the other really does not. I've said it before, but it would mean everything to me if a woman were to say "Yes, having a smaller penis really does diminish the sensations of PIV and there's nothing anyone can do to stop that from being shitty; identifying with your masculine body parts is the first step of any sexual thought at all and so no man with a libido can really stop doing it." If a woman were to lead with that and then get onto the positivity that would satisfy me for reasons I don't really understand myself. You sensed that nothing positive really came out of the comparison and that's because I didn't intend anything positive to come out of it beyond increasing your understanding, something that I do consider positive actually even though it doesn't improve my situation in any way. Imagine being the transgendered person and no one ever acknowledges that transitioning would actually help you, and that not doing it or not being able to will always be a source of pain in your life. That would practically disqualify any advice that came after because it acts as proof that they have no fucking clue what they're talking about. I'm telling you right now that there are aspects of being small that a man just isn't wired to like, and that the best possible solution is penis enlargement. That it doesn't exist yet does not change that at all. And yet I can't just state that and be taken at my word as other people representing other insecurities can - I have to type up an essay like the one I just erased trying to prove it only to again be told that everyone else understands SPS better than men with small penises. I hope it comes through that I'm not really angry about this, and that I didn't target the small bit of phrasing in your post to be pedantic or argumentative. I'm just pointlessly obsessed with getting people to understand what this really feels like because I don't think that they do, and to help people like the OP you kind of need to; I know what it felt like to read responses like this when I was also feeling suicidal and helpless and it was only isolating. Thank you for listening everyone who responded.

I wonder if the same people who say this to us would say this to a transgendered person who feels the need to transition. Both individuals have been born not with the constructed perspective or opinion, but with the reflexive intuition that their body is not the way it is supposed to be (I know that when I hold my dick in my hands I just feel like it's supposed to be larger - my subconscious tells me so, I don't decide it), and yet because the latter person has an out people will acknowledge that their physicality is actually causing the problem and that altering it is a plausible solution. Because the former person doesn't have an out they're told the physicality has nothing to do with it and they're causing the problem with their thoughts; of course we all know if penis enlargement was viable and affordable this wouldn't be the typical advice. If sexual reassignment surgery didn't exist for transgendered individuals the reality would be that many of them will be stuck disliking their body for the rest of the lives. They may learn to be happy despite that, but it would be absurd to assert that they were wrong to be in pain, or that it doesn't make sense for their brain to identify with the body it exists in and respond accordingly, whether with pleasure or pain. Why can't anyone just admit that the same thing applies to men born with small penises? The OP probably just isn't ever going to like his dick and that's just the way it fucking is.

Who cares what size the disrespectful, pride-undercutting lies are. It'd be different if she said that sex isn't good with him; that would leave room for improvement and hope. Plenty of women prefer larger penises and remember them fondly, but claim that their smaller partner satisfies them enough that they're okay with missing out a little. That's still shitty, but it's a thousand degrees better than this. She orgasms with him and likes the sex, even enjoys his penis, and it's still not enough for her to not long for exes so strongly that she's considered professional help. Sounds like a recipe for long term sexual frustration and resentment to me. At least, that's what a lot of women would tell you themselves if you posed this question on one of their forums; I've read this scenario a million times. He did everything right and he still feels wrong. There's no real reason to believe these feelings are temporary. It's also possible that they will abate, but I see less evidence for that. It's this kind of secrecy that makes it impossible for men to trust any reassuring words that women have to say about smaller sizes. It's toxic and wrong on general principle. No man should be with a woman who is "freaked out" by his dick. It's downright insulting. And yes, I am "triggered," especially by truth so harsh it half sounds like trolling.

I don't think that he would want to be with you if he knew that you felt this way (and imo it's unfair for him to not know), so I think you're just incompatible; you disliking his dick is as unattractive to him as his dick is to you. I can guarantee you that, and I don't think any man should be in such a relationship. There's a sort of betrayal in not letting your partner know you're not physically attracted to them. It's not fair to either party. Not attacking you, just being honest. If both of your true feelings were bare on the table I don't think it would work, and it's disgusting to me that so many men are in relationships with women who secretly don't appreciate their genitals. Men want that appreciation as much as you want sexual satisfaction, and even if he's not aware that he isn't getting it I believe there is something just fundamentally fucked up about relationships like yours. He's also being denied something, not just you. Imagine finding out that he secretly doesn't like big girls and hates your figure, wishes you looked like an ex. Would you want to erase your memory and go back to the illusion of self-esteem, or move on and find self worth with a true and real foundation?

Comfortably mundane I guess. I stopped thinking about sex or women in general for awhile because I'm basically a hermit - I was almost convinced that I didn't really mind being alone, and that masturbation was enough. Then I went out with my family and the second I was surrounded by women in real life I just felt this roaring surge of pent up sexual frustration. I've gone through that cycle several times in my life so I don't know why I'm always surprised by it. I'm almost too annoyed at it all to even actually want sex or intimacy; the fact that something so essential to myself will always be behind this wall of conversation and interaction that I just don't give a fuck about - I'm angry at sexuality the way I would be at a poorly designed website. Like why the fuck does it work this way? It'd be like if you couldn't eat or exercise or listen to music without having some other person there to violate your solitude, some other person with whom communication is like navigating some kind of mind field and if you step on one you'll feel awkward, isolated, and terrible for the next several months of your life. I wish I was gay so I could just lick myself, cum on a mirror, and be done with it. Or sex robots I guess. The other aspects of my life are fine but it's all dwarfed and has been for years by an urge to do something that takes 20 minutes. I wish I could just swat it away. ...I guess I had more to say than I realized, so thanks for asking. How have things been with you?

Human beings survive by the intake and possession of quantities of things. In every facet of the senses we admire or respect valuable things that appear in a larger amount than the average. It's a basic instinct of perception, and it's the reason I don't really care to ever find a woman who likes small penises. Larger men will always have that innate aura over me, and my dislike of my inferior position in that biologically-ingrained social-spectrum is as innate as the aura that surrounds them. My first inclination every time I remember this is to inflict violence on them and cut off their cocks to make us "even"; obviously I don't, don't advocate, and wouldn't want to actually do that because I was raised in a civilized society, but something primal in me does understand that the only way to truly not feel inferior to larger men would be to alter the physical reality from which sexual power exudes. But I can't do that so I just hate them and the women who like them. Surgeons will invent enlargement surgery before psychologists uproot these mechanisms of the male mind. What I'm saying is yes, I do understand what you're feeling. But because I'm not attracted to cocks i interpret it more as jealousy and reluctant respect than submissiveness or attraction.

I'm already halfway through crafting an excuse to only help out one day a week at most, maybe two every now and then. Some day I'll probably text her a less hostile version of this post - we used to talk about anything and everything. I just don't feel like dealing with whatever the hell that would mean right now. I remember reading your posts about having to listen to moaning in dorms. It's annoying trying to convey that feeling to people who don't understand. That I should hear a sound and spontaneously forget every other facet of myself, define myself by sexual prowess, estimate the sounds I would generate and then assign myself a rank so repugnant to my self-esteem that I start having a panic attack is really such a strange thing that I'm not sure I'll ever successfully communicate it to a woman or a well endowed man. It's as foreign to them as the behaviors of a person with OCD are to me. It'd be like a stranger trying to explain to me why it is that the sound of a car alarm makes him want to buy a rubber chicken and start doing a handstand. Or like idiots who ask foot fetishists why they like feet. The compulsive quality of that self-torture that occurs when I hear these sounds, which should really be no more bewildering or hard to understand than the compulsive arousal that normal men feel when they hear them, is the big blind spot for people. Why I want them to at least earn their callousness by understanding that feeling first I don't even know anymore. I'm talking out of my ass but I don't wonder if things like shemale porn and a significant portion of the males who want a sex change stem somewhat from the very issues we talk about on here. SPS is the undiscussed leviathan. I'm totally convinced 90 percent of men obsess over it, think about it as often as they contemplate death and the other big questions. These feelings are just too intense and pervasive for it to be otherwise. I'm lucky enough to not have to spend time around hot girls. I've had my fill of that misanthropic feeling you describe. You said once before that when you're in the midst of that feeling there's an intuition toward violence that is no longer allowed in our society. I definitely remember feeling that, like I wanted to inflict physical harm on my own sister and her boyfriend for being what they were, like the only way I could ever shut off this compulsory mechanism of my ego would be to literally kill the guy bragging about his bigger dick in the youtube comments of a Bill Burr video, because even if you beat him up and have a higher iq and more money your brain still cares more about sexual power than any of those things, whether you want it to or not. It sucks to think you're beyond those feelings only to realize that you've just gotten better at avoiding them. edit: I've never told her about my sps but she might know. I once handed her my phone to look at some stupid video or something and I think she accidentally clicked the address bar (this site was in the frequented videos link at the time) because she said "uh oh," in this uncomfortable tone she always gets when she feels awkward. That actually was after she made all of these comments. She's not as much of a bitch as I'm probably making her sound like and if I called her out on these things I'm sure she would apologize. It's hard to know how to feel.

For some reason I don't think knowing a girl thought my penis was ugly would bother me. It would only be that much more satisfying to make her cum despite that. I know some girls have preferences regarding curves, foreskin, and whatnot, but these discussions are so dwarfed by the issue of size that I've never thought to tie up any self-esteem in the aesthetics of my dick. When I care about it the most neither of us can see it anyway; who gives a fuck. Even when I watch porn I'm not particularly struck by the aesthetic beauty of women's genitals. They can look nice, but I don't find myself admiring the curves and colors of them the way I do with legs or asses. I guess I've always just assumed women feel similarly about penises. Maybe I'm wrong.