SassyCassy

ImraJean - I agree. It happened before with people. I really hope that's what it is, instead of me being actually delusional. I can't she hasn't called me yet, she was supposed to schedule an appointment with me and she never has. I should call her though. I'm doing good otherwise!!! Nothing else. Malign - Yeah, I've read up about it online. It's really sad. True. I'll mention it to her once I get an appointment with her. (I really hope i'm not delusional that's scary)

So... I just need to get this verified. (Is this the right board to post this on?) I think it's just my anxiety, but I can't say for sure. Please help thank you. (Note: The only mental disorders I have is OCD, anxiety, and depression. All professionally diagnosed, so not self-diagnosed.) So, I have a fear of delusions, because I remember one time I didn't get enough sleep and I was playing a Pokemon game, and I swore they were "talking" to me, and I couldn't tell if it was real or not, and then I had a panic attack. Later on I realized it as fake, but at the time it seemed so real. Ever since that day, I have had a fear of delusions. A couple of days ago, I woke up around 2:40am, (I think I was still dreaming while I was awake) and the walls were pink with hearts and flowers around them, but soon it vanished and my room was normal again. (My room is blue, with a gold ceiling on top, and green dots between the blue and gold.) During that time, I was thinking weirdly. I thought my mom died, but I knew she wasn't dead, but it felt like she really was dead!!! Afterwards, I thought God was talking to me, but I knew He wasn't talking to me, but it felt real... I think I had a anxiety attack afterwards but I don't really know if it counts as a anxiety attack. After I went back to bed, I woke up feeling fine and I knew they weren't true at all. So it's weird, because at the time I can't tell if it's real, but afterwards I know it's fake. But they seem real to me, it's freaky. Sometimes my anxiety (and OCD, I have OCD I don't know if that's playing a part in this but hey it's possible) makes me believe in things that aren't true. Like, for an example, if someone got hurt, I would feel sad, but my OCD keeps giving me that reoccurring thought that I actually DON'T care about this person and I should be ashamed and hurt myself. I really hope this is just my anxiety/OCD, because if it's actually delusional thinking I'm going to cry. I can't have this it's too scary I can't deal with it. Sorry if my post offends anyone. After rereading this, I'm pretty sure it's just my anxiety. Just need to know for sure though.

I'll try to keep this as short as possible. I'm emotionally aware of what's going on, but I don't know how to control it. (Trigger warning: Mental illness and self-harm.) I'll break it up into two parts, so it won't be messy. 1.) My OCD is getting worse. I'll get disturbing images relating with things I don't want to talk about. I don't really have a *physical* ritual that'll help me calm down. I have a mental one, but lately they haven't been working because the images will get worse and worse. Then there's voices that'll make me mentally say things I don't even mean to say, and they get in the way of everything! The voices makes me think I need to "punish" myself for thinking things I don't even mean to think about. I've tried exposure therapy for one of my bad thoughts, and it worked! But some of the things I absolutely cannot look up, it's beyond scary. Is there another way to not think these thoughts, without resorting to exposure therapy or medication? 2.) My guilt is eating me up. I have a horrible time dealing with it, because the only way I cope with it is to cut myself. (Especially if I end up offending someone, that's when I'll go into a frenzy!) I try my best to be good and not hurt people, but sometimes it's unintentional, and I'll apologize, and they'll forgive me, but the guilt feeling won't go away even after the situation has ended. It'll only go away if I hurt myself. I don't know how to handle it. I don't know how to forgive myself, because I don't really like myself at all. I'm sorry for any grammatical/spelling errors- it's 12:50AM here. (Some people can stay up longer I don't know how they do it. :0 )