passionfruit3

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About passionfruit3

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  • Birthday 09/16/1992
  1. You didn't make me upset and I will comment on what you said in each section. Apart of me wants to change but lately I've felt like if I do I'll be abandoned there really will be no more help for me.for me living in a dark house alone is scary even now with just me and my brother i feel afraid .I also feel like I can't detach from my parents cause mom and dad might pass away and i need to be there for them it's harder because they don't want to go together but with all my siblings gone there the only family I have left.I'm stuck in the past of when I felt i had to choose between my parents cause I didn't feel I could love one over the other.always wondering if they'd get a divorce and what that meant but none of that happened.they sometimes left which scared me how long once but always came back.it was confusing growing up.and they only stopped and stayed cause of me cause I'm weak. I don't want to be noticed cause it does no good.no matter how loud i yell kick or scream.I'll just be seen as the problem child.or in my family the burden.I can't take care of myself with my disability my caseworker seems to think I'll grow out of it but I've had trouble with conversion disorder since i was 14 and no one seems to get im not faking it.not even my parents .they say things like dont claim it and it wont be that way or what are you stressing about even though its not always about stress sometimes i simply get tired and can't stand to walk anymore.I've even got rude comments from professionals saying they believe I can walk or to unconvert my symptoms.I know the disorder i have but I can't always control it.sometimes I can bring on an episode but I can't decide how long it'll stay that way At the hospital when I've hurt myself my parents have come to see me less and less they were there in the beginning but I tend to have this crazy amount of energy in ers and hospitals and I tend not to cooperate.it's made the staff impatient and the security officers into wastards . I don't like it there i try not to go but I go through these crazy attempts to hurt myself and I end up there by ambulance or sometimes my parents won't take me so I'll walk.this is usually out of fear.and after I feel stupid cause it was usually turns out to be a weak atempt. My biggest thing problem is words I agree.it's almost like in stressful highs i don't have them.I'm told to ask for a prn when I get agitated which is risperadol as needed I took it twice.and then one night had a bad night and I figured they didn't work so I stopped asking mom for them.if I spoke up she could help but it would come out in away that with was off topic and Iast therapist I had awhile back wrote her a letter expressing I wanted help she read it and totally missed the meaning of what I was saying. In hospitals it's all claw and climb rather than bark and meow. I tend to be a bit wild climbing on things and self harming in anyway possible.I rarely come out of my room cause I'm frightened of patients and I've often been placed on the unit for the worst of the worst were they have little patience and drug everyone up to there eyeballs with injectable meds who won't take it by mouth.it's not fun.for me it's not always the pain that gets me.it's how much they load you full of and all they tell you is its just the meds. Its sort of why I don't trust professionals.I've had a lot of stuff happen under those so called professionals.even with psychiatrist. Remember that last line in the poem I'd rather be eaten by bats than this world well it's the truth.cause bats are easy not to not hate.they did it cause they were hungry they don't live by the morals and values we have they can't understand right and wrong therefore it would be a lot easier to forgive them.
  2. I didn't win the poetry contest.but glad the pressure is over Still burning my hand almost like its part of the stove. Wish i could stop calling myself an addict and instead call myself clean.but i always dissapoint everyone.now i can go back and hide back in that hole and scream cause no will hear me or my pain.good cause i dont want to be noticed.the scars are shy.the blisters hide. And the outside is proud that i will never rise again.for if i did id surely break and it would be an inconvenience for them to fix me again and place me back into that hole.the only friends i have are bats waiting for me to weaken enough so they can eat me.its a better death. Than being eaten by the world.
  3. The war is far from over feeling a bit sick and paranoid were i live at probably from lack of sleep.i dont know. Ive self harmed this morning triggered by a picture of burns made me want to burn the whole thing mostly.didn't succeed.just really red and i put it away what i used cause mom if she found out she would hide it or lock it up.my dad doesn't pay much attention to self harm things i use unless its his razors. I believe i may have diabetes theres nothing here to eat most of the time band my dad goes to his shows and brings always back sweets i eat cause i like it and nothing else to eat. If my next blood test is positive for diabetes i will blame my dad cause he knows im prediabetic. And i don't know what ill do. But for now okay besides self harming im trying to make a book about kindness. Its 100 pages and i did it in a day believe it or not. I guess anything is possible.when you try and dont give up.
  4. So I've had a self harm problem since I was 14 or 15.I was hospitalized several times.which other than the first time I was there I self injured everytime by cutting or hitting myself against something.sometimes I hit myself with a fist. Lately it's all been coming to a head cause my mom has been threatening to let the hospital find placement for me.she doesn't believe I want to live with my family which is untrue but she doesn't understand about this addiction I have to hurting myself.I used to want to die but I've come to terms with that cause I figure though I don't want to feel the pain of my parents death and may think of dissappearing.I know even i wouldn't want to live to be 100.to watch everyone pass me by and die.it would be to hard.it would be selfish to want them here forever. So I decided to stick by there side cause I don't know when they'll dissappear. And after that maybe I'll figure out how to get out of here or maybe that'll encourage me to stay for my siblings. I caused third degree burns last night though on my hand.when mom caught me I thought she'd leave right then. Instead she just talked and I couldn't answer.I've never been able to say what words are on my mind. But I did do something good today though now the addict in me wants to undo it.two days ago I bought motion sickness pills to harm myself online.I was talking to a friend and telling her why then I looked on here and read a previous discussion I had with someone and the words popped out break the cycle.so I texted my casemanager and told her what I'd done.shell get back to me soon I hope.feel conflicted and proud.
  5. So I've had a self harm problem since I was 14 or 15.I was hospitalized several times.which other than the first time I was there I self injured everytime by cutting or hitting myself against something.sometimes I hit myself with a fist. Lately it's all been coming to a head cause my mom has been threatening to let the hospital find placement for me.she doesn't believe I want to live with my family which is untrue but she doesn't understand about this addiction I have to hurting myself.I used to want to die but I've come to terms with that cause I figure though I don't want to feel the pain of my parents death and may think of dissappearing.I know even i wouldn't want to live to be 100.to watch everyone pass me by and die.it would be to hard.it would be selfish to want them here forever. So I decided to stick by there side cause I don't know when they'll dissappear. And after that maybe I'll figure out how to get out of here or maybe that'll encourage me to stay for my siblings. I caused third degree burns last night though on my hand.when mom caught me I thought she'd leave right then. Instead she just talked and I couldn't answer.I've never been able to say what words are on my mind. But I did do something good today though now the addict in me wants to undo it.two days ago I bought motion sickness pills to harm myself online.I was talking to a friend and telling her why then I looked on here and read a previous discussion I had with someone and the words popped out break the cycle.so I texted my casemanager and told her what I'd done.shell get back to me soon I hope.feel conflicted and proud.
  6. Well my friends live far away but we've been friends since 7th grade and I'm 24 now.I have two best friends well three sorta.the third lives closer to were i live and has a one and two year old. One lives in ohio she just moved there last year.I live with my mother and father and little brother but soon hell graduate and probably leave me to like the voices said everyone would. I don't hear them anymore that much cause of meds but I sometimes remember and believe what they told me at 14. My friend who is in ohio seems to think I'm having symptoms of hypomania cause I was good talking to family how much I changed wanting to start a business and doing poetry I'm still signed up for several contest one I'll know the results this month.I might not get it but as long as you try that's what counts cause then you can improve right? I don't know what happened or when it happened it was like suddenly I was thrown off a mountain.my mom seems to think I don't want to live here but I do I love her and my father.i don't want to die.i understand the difference now what I have is an addiction to hurting myself not to death.i can't convince anyone of that but it's the truth. So how is everything else?well I have a middle eastern friend who i don't know Wether to run away from or trust.he's very sweet but I'm on the cautious side cause sometimes I feel he is fishing for information.but it's like I'm so alone I don't care.my cat comes to keep me company but she wants all my attention so she'll push my tablet away and I'll be like lucy what are you doing lol.and then she starts doing this odd thing digging her claws into my cover.and I have to tell her to stop. I also am sick of doctors cause I get super dehydrated super fast even after drinking water. One says it's meds other says it's not meds neither wants to offer to do a thing.but it's terribile My biggest hope though is to make it to Disney land in July for my sisters for graduation without being inpatient
  7. Oh no. I did something bad right before i got this message.i was upset about the fact that i tried so hard not to commit suicide by stopping and only self injuring yet still treated like a prisoner and like nobody cared.so i figured i might as well just go back to suicide.so i got paid today and i went online and bought some motion sickness pills.i regretted after i did it.i dont know how to cancel the order either. I am so stuck.im sorry😢
  8. I think you made me understand me more than I know me.and gethe therapist I have don't seem to touch base on any of this.we honestly don't even talk about the hospital though they have the notes of how I acted.the most I got was from my regular physician who asked how I felt about the hospital and I told her I didn't really like it because it scared me the way I acted out sometimes like it wasn't me.I remember once I was with my dad had pills in my pocket and I actually smiled at him and proceeded to take them before security came. My brother calls me a masochist cause I have a high a high tolerance for pain and he thinks I like it. Honestly at one point I was into a lot of dark sex.not doing reading.were woman were often the helpless victims to men.I stopped after awhile got to terrible. Sometimes I often thought if I was just somehow mimicing what I'd seen in those books partly in the hospital when I'd acted out and get restrained .the other part I felt I acted out was my older sisters behavior.I used to be a very shy person as a teen but then i saw things that frightened me. .one time my sister wrestling on floor with my mom and a long bloody cut on my moms arm.dad almost punching older sister. Mom punching me in head,ect. I know i need to stop lying to my doctors.it's just as a teen I'd always been afraid to ask for help.in was in special education classes and I'd just get so frustrated cause I knew what I wanted to say but it never came out and if it did it didn't come out how I wanted it to.now it's carried over to being an adult.apart of me is very scared about going to a psych ward. Cause the acting out behavior just comes back.I'm practically a violent mute in a repeated cycle. The cycle is like this.overdose or poison, er,ambulance to a hospital,refuse to take meds,refuse to drink or eat for a couple of days.I am forced meds and depending on certain factors I either give up or am sent to the er for I've fluids.start feeling better discharge. A couple months later repeat.it's how it happens all the time. It's like I'm scared to talk to people other than family and friends.I went to an assertive class but I didn't last very long before I was hospitalized. But at this point I think you are right i do need to write a letter. I got out of er yesterday for my hand wasn't happy so maybe a letter will make my mind not think bad thoughts
  9. Ive done. Self harming for so long its become an addiction. Some people have said its for attention and im not knocking down the ideal its just probably something i do unsubconciously meaning i dont realize what the motive is or what i want or am getting.i honestly think when i turned a certain age maybe 16 i stopped understanding a lot of my behavior. I would go to the store buy pills sometimes take money to overdose.i haven't done that in a long time so its progress.i thought last year after i told my mom i had used the garbage disposal and she was very upset when she came home saying shed leave i thought thatd be enough to stop and for awhile it was i had two er visits for minor things but i felt better then 4 nights ago i got triggered i couldnt help upon figuring out that theyd left the garbage disposal on i just went for it immediately. The force of it when i used it caused me to knock the soap bottle off the counter and i had a injury but i kept doing it till my dad arrived 30 minutes later.the next day they left on again so i repeated cause the damage was not enough i felt.but i was more hesitant and didnt really cause any damage. Im trying to get to see my regular doctor cause i hate the disrespectful people at the er were i live at.plus its easier to lie to my doctor. I told my casemanger and my aunt they told my mom but she acts oblivious like they didnt tell her i dont know whats going on.why she didnt take it seriously?
  10. I guess i could have posted this on the previous crisis but i decided it should be okay.so let me go back.i went to the hospital for the burn and they said it didn't look that bad i was dehydrated that was all so i had iv fluids.i knew the psychiatrist there and basically what shed do which was send me home but this time i was supposed to go to partial which never happened i did not want to miss out on my young adult group or therapy plus i didnt like listening to peoples drama.so im at home one night and my mom goes out to my aunts then work .im waiting for my dad then i realized he wasnt there just my brother. And i took out a waffle iron in the kitchen but didn't use it.then i realized the stove was left on but instead of all that i stuck my hand in the garbage disposal. Id done it last year around Christmas and it wasnt like i chopped a finger off just cuts and not being able to move them for a couple days.this left a small gash and parents never noticed on that day or the next when i briefly did.but its like three or four days now and im in pain its a small wound on one hand though the others slightly bigger one finger is slightly swollen id give it a 6 or 7 on pain scale.theres no pus its just red and hurting.i tried contacting my casemanger shes stalling me till tomorrow i dont want to go to er cause that female so and so psychiatrist does not care no one in that er cares for me they all think im nuts.i also dont want people saying stuff like superficial so in order to go id have to stick my hand back down and make the wound bigger.or they wont take it seriously.if you dont believe me i jumped from a high shelf in bathroom to try and hurt myself messed up my knee they just said whats wrong with jumping.but it does hurt mainly when i have to move something or hold heavy things.
  11. I've had a lot of problems at that er.it's not a very good hospital but it's the one closest to home.surprisingly they can only afford to send you far off in some forienge place far from home.I'm not complaining.there's one near here but I got black listed apparently they don't want me back.and I don't mind cause it's also a terrible hospital. My parents support me but there tired of it.I've gotten hurt at the er and I've been hurt at home from doing stuff.mom's threatened to walk out.which is why I'm trying to get it together it's just hard.how do you change something you've done for 10 years.
  12. Im okay i went to the er the other day for the burn.it turned out i was also tachicardiac( fast heart rate )so they wanted to do iv fluids.i was being rather difficult at first and the doctor yelled at me finally i let another person do it.the psychiatrist i knew her mo from being there constantly get rid of her quick before she does anything.so basically she gave me volunteer papers and without even finishing the iv fluids i was there for maybe an hour.i did not tell them i knew were my mom kept the waffle iron cause they didn't seem like they cared.if the male psychiatrist had been there they would have taken me more seriously this women thinks of me as a waste her time.i at least am going to partial for a few weeks that should be fun hope i dont get kicked out of this one.
  13. So I was on this app for poetryour and today I was banned.apart of me thinks I deserve it for what I wrote apart me feels it was justified.the leaders to me had attitudes they were annoying.it was just bad. So it started with the first lady well just call her Anne. I don't remember the first incident I remember the second was over a hash tag being put in the wrong place and I told her she liked picking on me and she said no she didn't basically but what made me mad was she had someone come in and back up her statement which I felt unnecessary.but I left it alone.there was another time with Anne were we were asking questions about something and she told a guy who asked a question I thought that'd be obvious duh.the third incident was with me she said that if anyone had an ideal for the poetry community then leave a comment.when I put mines she left a message saying we don't need anymore challenges.I guess it's hard to read emotions through text but it sounded rude. Then there was another leader.don't know her name it was spelled In a different language anyway they had decided several rules within a month apparently we weren't allowed to use pictures unless we asked the authors permission online also we weren't allowed to go in chat and consol someone who was feeling depressed. Anyway this newest rule was we couldn't use self harm poetry anymore. And I told the leader that the site had become one of the strictest places on that app and the girl blew up at me.how is this one of the strictest place?stay out of things you don't understand ect. I had told her I was encouraging people to leave though I didnt. And then the craziest thing happened i apologized and she still was rude. So a few days ago we had this challenge about hope that said write a time you felt hopeless but they said we couldn't talk about depression self harm or suicide.now I don't write about those things away but I didn't understand about this depression but so I asked and the person said it's against the guidelines.then another person says the same thing finally the girl the leader whose name i can't understand says it and I'm like this is not the three musketeers I don't need everyone telling me the same thing.and she's telling me I bet you I did this on purpose and I told her she didn't know how to count finally someone told us to stop. Then yesterday I was sick and not having a good day so I went on the poetry app and wrote something I was hopeless about and that was basically the group.what I said was not very nice I admit.I insulted someones language and talked about how I'd been harassed and didn't want to be bothered tI'll someone fired the leaders and made changes. Almost immediately after someone pulled me into a chat and asked why I did not like the leaders and I explained then I said it was between me and them .finalay today I was banned. I guess I was a bully towards the end but I didn't start off that way.also for me Im normally shy in person the Internet is easier for me to express my emotion which is a good and bad thing.I followed the rules there despite not understanding and I would have done great but if I hadon't been banned me and the leaders would have constantly gone at it.
  14. Yeah I went today I'm back home.I'm supposed to go to partial but I'm not excited about going.the psychiatrist I knew her as one of the people who never wants to deal with me.she sent me home once and I was back in thirty minutes for trying to jump off a bridge.she gave me papers for volunteer at the hospital somehow they also dissappeared at the hospital.I hate volunteering only cause it requires so much I be dependent on someone else.there's a readers program I wanted to do.but they want finger prints and orientation and I feel like without someone pushing me to take that first step I'll back out cause I have anxiety.plus I burned my fingers so I don't know how that would work if they want to do a fingerprint scan.i don't like explaining my issues.anyway at the hospital I was a bit tachycardic so they did fluids though at first I refused and the doctors was yelling at me then a guy came in he was either Hindu or Muslim.anyway he was nicer so I let him do it.no one was at the hospital with me my family is tired of ,your antichs so they don't even come anymore.I did not prefer being hospitalized but some part of me is like I wish I could have stayed overnight.another part knows it was probably good I went home cause I probably would have got sent to a mental hospital.still I'm afraid cause I know were all the stuff my mom hid to burn are.if she had come with me to the hospital she would've known to.
  15. I ended up burning myself which it doesn't look good.I've been trying to communicate with my doctors about this and tell them I have a problem with it but there advice was basically use your coping skills.this is not a coping skills problem this is i need help problem.funny thing is I would not be in this situation if my parents were more watchful.they know me.they know how I get yet they leave me at home for hours at a time.I know I'm an adult the responsibility should be on me. But I have a problem that is hard to control. I sorta have a therapist though she's technicalay not one.I hated the actual therapist I had and did not see her again.she had tried to get my mom in trouble with adult protective services was the reason. Then before that the therapist I liked left.I haven't tried to get another cause what if the second is worst than the first.I'm not suicidal the reason I did it is cause I'm not sure what comes after suicide when you get better what do you do.how do you proceed when that's all you've know to do since 15.I'm debating on going to the hospital don't want to get locked up or deal with rude nurses and security guards but my hand is in bad shape and my family has not noticed a thing.