Kaira L

Therapy is not available to me because my mother won't allow me to have a therapist for any reason. She thinks I don't have any issues at all. She's also been through a lot lately and I don't want to upset her.

Thanks so much for all of your responses. I am attracted to adults and I wouldn't call the thoughts something that I desire. They are more or less something that I absolutely hate with every fiber of my being. I hate all of this, I don't want any of it, but I'm scared. I feel like my mind wouldn't come up with something like that if I didn't want to have it. Then again, thats what OCD is about right? I don't know, I just want to be a mom and I just want children to be safe with me.

Resolute, Thank you so much, it seems like a wonderful community so far, everybody seems so nice and that refreshing to see. LaLa, I think I might have OCD for my obsessive thoughts. I also have dermatillomania and I maladaptively daydream (which I will probably make topics on their own), and from my research I've learned that both are linked heavily to OCD. I also did a lot of research on POCD and I have what I HOPE is a groinal response. I get feelings of being turned on but I don't feel emotionally turned on to children if that makes any sense to you. It's gotten to the point where I sometimes re imagine my thoughts to assure myself that I don't like children. I do feel urges to touch them, I'm not gonna lie, like my mind is telling me to do it to just stop the thoughts but I don't want to and it causes me a lot of anxiety and it makes me feel disgusted when I think about it. The weird thing is, I don't have urges when I'm around children, just when I'm alone with my thoughts. When I changed my cousins diaper it didn't go through my mind at all and I didn't feel any urges to do it. If I feel urges does that mean I want to do it and I'm going to do it? I couldn't imagine myself actually doing it because I don't want to and it doesn't feel like it's something I'm capable of. I'm also going to talk about something I've only told two people in my life. I don't know for sure, but I think I might have been molested as a child. I have a lot of memories of me pretending that someone, an old man, was touching me and I didn't like it, I was saying "no" and things like that. I used to touch myself and feel really guilty after too. Sorry if this is off topic, I just wanted your input on this, lets get back on topic. When I was younger my mom was paranoid that I would be molested or raped, and she still is. When she was my age, 16, she was sexually assaulted. Ever since I could remember I knew what pedophilia was. My mother made sure of that. I also do feel myself afraid to grow up, but I'm sure it's scary for a lot of people right? I'm going to leave off with this one question that's a little off topic; Do you think it's possible to have lived with anxiety for so long that you become numb to the feeling?

Let me first start off by saying that I am a 16, almost 17, year old girl and all I've ever wanted to be since I was a little girl, is a mom. I love children. I love holding and caring for them, I love cuddling them and reading them stories, I love holding them and making them feel safe. I want to protect their innocence from the dangers of the world. But what if I'm what I've been trying to protect them from all along? I have been dealing with fears that I am a pedophile since I was about 11 or 12. I don't know how or when it started and I'm a little scared to know why. I believe the first thought I had was about my cousin who was 2 at the time, I was very upset and disgusted with myself and put my thoughts through my mental paper shredder. Turns out that the mental paper shredder only gets rid of them for about 2 seconds. There has not been one day, ONE DAY, that I have not had these thoughts. I can sleep, eat, breathe, walk, run, laugh, and cry but the thoughts are always in the back of my mind. This has not stopped me from being around children or babies, I have a child development class and I see all of my sweet little cousins, I watch and hang out with my little buddies. The absolute last thing I'd ever want to do is hurt them and the thought that I might makes me feel like a completely terrible person, it makes me feel worthless to myself. The fact that I may have OCD (I haven't been diagnosed yet) is what keeps me going. I'm so scared that I don't have OCD. How do I know I'm not a pedophile who just simply doesn't want to be a pedophile? I also mean no offense to pedophiles, just putting that out there. Thanks in advance