ThatOne

It's been a while since last I posted on this forum, my life seemed to take a turn for the better. Then everything broke down again, and now I'm back to where I was about a year ago and worse. I broke up with my last girlfriend about 6 or 7 months ago, maybe more I don't remember entirely. In early January I was in a deep and dark place, only reason I got up in the morning was because I wanted to have a cigarette, nothing else. University was killing me, my anxiety was at an all time high and I consider biting the bullet several times. Then a friend of mine suggested I join him and make a Discord server for only close friends and people who got along. I figured why not and joined in on it. That's where I met the most amazing woman I've ever met. For the sake of privacy let's call her E. E was everything, she was funny, cute, kind to the people she cared about and for some obscure reason she took a liking to me quite fast. One night after playing Overwatch she messaged me privately, after talking for a short bit she confessed that she had a crush on me. Me being the absolute fucking idiot I am decided to give her my time and we started talking. I quickly fell for her. Her music taste is just like mine, our taste in games, our humor everything. She is actually the most amazing woman I have ever talked to. So we started dating and have been for about 5 months now. Last week things started to change, she became more cold and distant towards me. She refused to say anything on it when I brought it up and continued to ignore me, give me one word replies where it once was long conversations. She told me I needed to not tell her I love her so much, that's fine some people don't like hearing that too much so I stopped. Then she started shutting me out even more. To the point where she doesn't bother saying good morning or good night. I've been in a long distance relationship before. And we're talking properly long distance, seperate countries. Last time it ended with her thinking I was a waste of time because she met someone else, and broke it off with me a day after our one year anniversary. I was devastated, that same year I started abusing drugs and started what became a still ongoing and very self destructive lifestyle. E means the world to me. And I'm scared that she has met someone else, or that she's quite simply realized I'm a waste of time. In either case, I don't think this relationship is going to last more than a few more weeks. I can't talk to her about it either, she straight up ignores me if I try to have any kind of meaningfull conversation with her. This means I have no one. I don't have anyone to turn to. I don't have friends I can turn to. She was my mountain (Yeah I know it sounds lame as fuck), she made me feel wanted and loved. Now all she does is make me want to paint a bathtub red. And I don't know why, if I knew why I'd atleast have that. But now I'm literaly just sitting here, staring at the Discord chat, hoping that she says something to me. I just want someone to love me.

I'm going to cut straight to the chase here, a couple months back I met the girl of my dreams. She was and still is EVERYTHING I EVER wanted in another person. Today she told me she couldn't be in a relationship with me due to the fact that she hasn't gotten over her ex whom was the true love of her life. She made my life better. She made it good. I was fucking happy. I could actually wake up every single morning with a smile and look forward to seeing her and even look forward to doing what I was going to each and every damn day. I could breathe again after my ex took her own life. I sound like a fucking idiot but its true I was happy for the first time in years. I didn't want to take my own life because she made my life feel worth it again. Now its over. She has good reasons and I do not blame her for ending what we had and I never will. I cant replace him, and I never will. I cant replace anyone. I cant be the love of someones life. I'm not meant to be. Call me a whiny faggot all you want, I need someone to love me. I cant handle the thought of being alone. I'm one of those people, I need a relationship I need someone to send me texts early in the morning saying good morning and all that bullshit. I need someone that cares enough about me to want to be with me. I barely have any friends, I'm dissociated from my family all I have is myself and my own thoughts and all they want is to kill me. I've said it on here before and I will say it again. I despise myself, I cant bring anything but misery and sadness into anyones lives and its always been that way. I cant do this again. I've actually reached the end of the line. I need to seek help, I need to find someone to lean on. I just need ONE person that can tell me its going to be okay. I dont care if its a lie anymore, I dont care if they're only saying it to try and calm me down I just want to feel alive again. Theres been two people that dimmed the urge to end it all, my ex who took her own life because she couldnt handle the pressure and now this girl. She wants to be friends, saying she NEEDS me in her life that I'm the light at the end of her tunnel THEN WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU DO THIS TO ME?! She fucking knows I'm a wreck, she's a wreck herself! I FUCKING LOVE HER BUT ONCE AGAIN I CANT KEEP ANYTHING I LOVE I'm sorry to whomever reads this I'm whining about something that doesnt concern you and its probably cringy as fuck to read through. I dont want to live anymore. I'm back to what I was like when my previous ex took her own life. I want to follow her. Atleast then I wouldn't be alone. I'm sorry.

I'm going to cut a somewhat long story short here for my own sake: A while ago I met a girl, she actually seems to care about me and makes me feel good about myself and she's the first person ever to numb the self hatred. Now onto the big bit: I was talking to her today and we were planning on going to a concert, after talking for a while she said that some guys she knew would be going aswell and that "This could be fun". Now as soon as I read that, things started going downhill. For the past 2 hours I've been flipping back and forth between "It'll be fine, didnt mean anything" and "She's going to leave you at the show" and things worse than I'd like to mention here. I feel sick, actually sick right now. I'm shaking and I'm freaking out, whats happening to me now has never happened before. I've never had a this hard reaction towards something before. It feels like I'm going to puke but when I try to I just dry heave and end up in even more pain, my muscles ache and I'm unable to focus on anything other than the thoughts. This is fucking horrible, I cant live with something like this, but I cant say anything because I'll seem like an idiot or like I've got crazy trust issues. Maybe I do! I dont even know myself, I dont know myself. I dont know my own emotions and now I'm panicking in my bedroom trying not to think about anything but nothings working. I dont know what to do. Everything was going great, and I'm overreacting or maybe I'm not all I know is that I've never been this close to deceiding on calling it quits. All this because I'm overreacting to something that might not even have meant anything... I should stop wondering why I hate myself. I cant even live right.

When I was younger I was bullied a lot, picked on and beaten up so yeah. Berated is the nice way of putting it. Today has been the best day in years. She came over and we went out for a walk, I think we walked around for 3-4 hours just talking and getting to know eachother even more. I havent felt this good about myself before, period. She actually makes me feel good about myself. Thats a very new thing for me.

Hi, thanks for taking the time to reply to me. I've tried to look at what I feel and try to understand and figure out if I can solve it but whenever I have tried that I have again made things worse. Something I failed to mention in the original post (Didnt think it was any point to it) is that I struggle to actually understand what I feel. Most of the time I can only really feel negatives, whenever something good happens the most prominent thought is "Better enjoy this before its taken from you" and not something along the lines of "Finally! This is awesome". Its always been like that. I dont look at accomplishments as something I'm proud of its something I'm waiting for people to do better and berate me about. The girl I was talking about came over earlier today to say hi before going to work, I had no idea and I dont think I've felt that happy in years, that was the most pleasant surprise I've gotten in ages. And for a moment everything was awesome, now I'm back in that dark mindset again. I truly do appreciate you taking time out of YOUR life to say something to ME, I'm not very used to that. So thanks, I'll try to look at what I'm feeling now without letting them consume me completely.

For the last 4 years or so I've been dealing with what I've now come to realise is self hatred. It comes and goes, and for almost 6 months now I've been just about completely free of it and I've been able to live what atleast feels like a normal life. And oh my god things have been going up, I'm getting a new band together soon, studies are going amazingly well and for the first time in years I've met someone I actually connect with and dare I say it might even think theres a chance for something long term. Now, we went on our first date on Friday. We went out drinking, had a wonderful time. I wake up today and first thing I do is start talking with her. We've talked all day and she went to bed about 4 hours ago. And I'm still up. At 4 in the morning. Its back again. I dont understand why its back, things were going great and now all I can think of is how I'm going to ruin this new relationship, break the band and fuck up my studies again. Because I know I will. I somehow always do. I can never pinpoint what I do but theres always that point where everything crumbles and I'm left alone in the rain, feeling like the most worthless thing alive. I feel incomplete. Theres so much missing. I'm not clever, I'm not handsome, I'm the opposite of well endowed and whenever someone says hi to me on the bus I freeze and look the other way because I have NO idea how to interact with strangers. If it hadnt been for this girl being persistent in asking me to go out with her I never would have. I'm sitting here in my bedroom, at 4 in the morning on a Sunday, slipping between fits of crying and telling myself to get it over with. And I'm scared. I'm actually scared. Not scared that I might do something bad, I'm way to much of a coward. I'm scared I'll make mistakes again. I'm scared I'll fuck this up and lose a chance at a wonderfull relationship. I'm scared that I'm going to wake up tomorrow and look myself in the mirror and think "I shouldnt be alive" because I hate myself for things I havent done and dont understand. I cant tell her about this either! Who knows how shes going to react! She told me she has been struggling with depression, that made me hope that I could maybe finally open up about to someone that wasnt anonymous over the internet! Now the thought of it makes me sick. I dont know what to do right now. I want to sleep but I know whats gonna happen. Fuck it I wouldnt be suprised if I woke up tomorrow to a text from her telling me it was nice and all but she's over it. Again, I'm scared. I dont know how I'm gonna handle it this time around.

Hey, I have NEVER spoken about this to anyone and I need to get it off of my chest and this is the right place to do so it seems. Ever since I was in elementary school I've known I was, less endowed (To be polite to myself) than everyone else. I was always somewhat overweight and being born with a small penis atop of that made me the perfect victim for torture! I dreaded the idea of going to gym, or to go swimming simply because I had to get naked at some point. Even to this day I dont go to pools or waterparks because the idea of being naked infront of someone absolutely destroys me. As I was growing up it never stopped, people didn't stop making fun of me in later years (The school system is different here in Norway so I dont know what it would be called, years 8-10 atleast). After I finished year 10 it had gotten to the point where I wouldn't go out with friends if it meant anything that could lead to nudity. Because of the fact that I felt like I was less of a man than everyone else I never talked to other girls. I never flirted, I never tried to ask someone out for a date because it might at some point have led to sex, something I was quite literaly scared of. In year 12 I actually got a girlfriend, she was sweet and loving and I truly loved her. But, that fear of not being good enough was still there. She broke up with me because she thought I was cheating on her because I never tried to have sex with her, never brought it up even. And I didn't try to explain the situation because, then she'd leave me either way right? And now, in present day (Or atleast from 2015 and onwards). When I turned 18, 2 years ago I started going out drinking with friends. And, for a while it was alright until a few nights where I some of my friends (Who had no idea of my anxiety or anything) tried hooking me up with girls they met randomly. Ofcourse I'd freeze up and say something stupid and deceide it was about time to head home for the night. I started saying no to going out and making excuses not to go. They eventually stopped inviting me out. I've known a girl for about 4 years now and in the last 2 years I've managed to fall in love with her. We have so many things in common and we both love eachothers company and she's one of the few girls I feel relaxed around. But at many occasions we've landed on the topic of male genitalia and she's said things that makes me want to shrivel up and disappear. I've considered cutting the friendship off so many times, but I've also considered telling her about my emotions and my anxiety, fear and self loathing issues. But I just cant help but feel it would end badly. So, now at the age of 20 I'm still a virgin, I havent gone swimming in so many years I cant remember when I last did it and I spend more time hating myself for something that is COMPLETELY out of my control than I do trying to come to terms with it and learning to deal with it. If you've read this far, thank you that means a whole lot to me. I've cut this as short as I could, I could've elaborated on certain things but I feel this is enough. I have no idea how to handle this. Everytime my friends get into the topic of penis size, penis this or penis that or even sex I get scared and pull away. Its not easy, its extremely hard. Thanks.