whiterabbit

I really want to stop being so annoying/bothersome to my significant other. We've been in an LDR for about 5-6mo now, physically met up 3 times now. He's really good to me. However, I'm not so good to myself. And lately I've been needing someone to talk to constantly. I know people are busy. I also live a very strange/not normal life. I don't have a M-F 9-5 job, I work nightlife so my work hours are at night, and nobody talks to each other where I work. His timezone is 2 hours ahead of me so it's harder to just find time in general. During the day I'm at the office of my company that does nightlife events and I'm not close to any of them at all and can't really talk to them about these problems for I fear it'll cause me to lose my position because I'm an intern at a start-up company with only 5-6 team members. SF is also a pretty crappy place because it's a huge hassle to even meet-up with anybody at all and barely anybody can afford to be here. I don't want to keep spewing how I feel to my S/O because there's nobody else really to talk to and if I try to go to my friends i'm so afraid I'd run them even more thin than my S/O. I know everyone is busy. I know I have to grow up and learn how to be alone and in my own thoughts and my feelings. But it's difficult right now and i'm not that strong yet. I do have hobbies that take my mind off things. But my manager at my work knows about my mental condition and my hobbies and it doesn't contribute to my work/internship. However because I've been feeling so unstable and unable to focus myself to learning skills for my career, I've been fiending to just keep doing my hobby instead to calm my nerves. I'm starting to feel ashamed that I'm just running away from my problems and hiding in my hobbies instead of growing up and getting over it and going to other people for comfort... but majority of the time all I'm doing is just sitting at the office waiting for work (scared that I may never even get any work done because I'm contracted/not hourly paid/paid per work project) or working at a project that I managed to get myself at night. Both occasions I don't really get the chance to interact with anybody. I don't know... I feel so wrong and lost. I don't want to lose my significant other over the dumb, trivial shit I'm going through. I know he wants to be there for me but I don't want to use him up like that, you know? I hope I was able to communicate my worries here. I tried Suicide prevention chatrooms but they always seem so busy. I've been cutting for over 10 years (stopped clean for a few months) and I'm slowly trying to not try to end myself and look forward to my future... but I feel like I picked a crappy time and it's too late to be strong. TLDR; I feel like i'm going to lose someone close to me again because my depression holds so much weight. I also grew up in an abusive environment (typical abusive Asian family + 2 abusive [1st one mental/physical 5 yr, 2nd one emotional/mental for 2]. This is my 3rd relationship and he's the sweetest person ever. I know he deserves someone who will love him and is stable. I want to be able to be good to him but I can't even get a hold of myself to be good to myself. I'm struggling... I don't know where else to go. This is my message in a bottle to the world... I hope i can find something that I'm looking for. Thank you for reading.