Jam-Jam

Thank you so much for responding! Sure, i guess I will explain my past with anxiety and depression. Throughout my life, i had very few friends, mainly because I switched schools many times; I was quiet and in the background, I went to school with my cousin who was way more popular than me, all of my cousin's were relatively more successful, and I resented them (I don't nor have I ever hated them, just incredibly jealous). I get jealous of people really easy, it makes me angry. I've also just always felt extremely isolated from others, my friends didn't invite me to anything, in fact most of them ignored me, save a very slim few, because of this i grew angry, so i never made it a top priority to have friends from mid middle school through high school. In my Junior year of high school, I decided to join theater class to expand and get out of my comfort zone, it worked, but it was a mixed bag: I still felt like a ghost around the "friends" that i made, I guess two things that were good was that i got to perform in two big theater productions with a main role in both, and i got to ask out a girl to prom that i had a crush on who said yes, but overall those experiences didn't help me feel better about myself in the long run, in fact after high school ended, i lost touch with almost all the friends i made their, and you don't know how much that hurt me, it's so fucking painful still. I turned to drinking for a short period of time because it would make me happy, but then i got sick of the way it made my stomach feel, though i still occasionally drink even though sometimes being drunk makes me even sadder. I then tried to end my life once in a drunken fit of sadness with a knife that i had in my drawer, but i chickened out. Recently i tried it again with a longer and sharper kitchen knife, and this time left scars on my arm. I'm slowly losing the will to live, the one person I talk to the most is myself, and it feels like i'm going crazy, even though i'm not, it's just that all of this makes me want to scream my head off, and punch something, everything i used to enjoy no longer brings me satisfaction, and my orientation situation is only making it so much worse. I was so confident in my sexual identity, but now i don't know anymore, I have a voice in my head that keeps saying that i'm gay, when i know for a fact that's not the case at all as i can name many instances through my life where i had a clear attraction to girls, and very little attraction to boys. Plus that voice has only showed up recently so i'm fairly certain that it can be classified as an intrusive thought. I'm sorry this is so long, I just have a lot i need to get out.

(Disclaimer: I posted this in new members post here, but I think this is a better place to post it). I have been experiencing anxiety and depression for a few years now, but now it has intensified over the last few months with me now questioning my sexuality, which is my main issue now. I just never thought I would be questioning now because for my whole 19 years on this planet, i was certain i was straight, and now everything's all muddled up, i just really need guidance right now. Anyway's, I've always had crushes on girl's growing up, every time one would touch me, i would get hard. Although one time in middle school i got a crush on my guy friend, but i didn't think too much or stress over it. I've had one girlfriend, who every time i would text or talk, or be around in real life, would get me hard. Now i have another male friend that I've known for three years, and until very recently, I've never looked at him in a sexual light, but now he makes me feel the same way I felt about my ex-girlfriend, and it's confusing the shit out of me. Also important to note is that I do watch a certain type of gay porn, straight porn has never appealed to me, and before this questioning, neither did gay porn, before my crises now, i would only watch lesbian porn. Some insight into my situation would be nice, I've never been so on edge before this.

I have been experiencing anxiety and depression for a few years now, but now it has intensified over the last few months with me now questioning my sexuality, which is my main issue now. I just never thought I would be questioning now because for my whole 19 years on this planet, i was certain i was straight, and now everything's all muddled up, i just really need guidance right now. Anyway's, I've always had crushes on girl's growing up, every time one would touch me, i would get hard. Although one time in middle school i got a crush on my guy friend, but i didn't think too much or stress over it. I've had one girlfriend, who every time i would text or talk, or be around in real life, would get me hard. Now i have another male friend that I've known for three years, and until very recently, I've never looked at him in a sexual light, but now he makes me feel the same way I felt about my ex-girlfriend, and it's confusing the shit out of me. Also important to note is that I do watch a certain type of gay porn, straight porn has never appealed to me, and before this questioning, neither did gay porn, before my crises now, i would only watch lesbian porn. Some insight into my situation would be nice, I've never been so on edge before this.