Rian

I'm definitely meant to die. That's probably why I'm so useless. Hell I don't even know if I'm allowed to post in this thread (I posted to the 'new members' forum thing once and stuff but I'm a stupid idiot who can't tell). i can't bring myself to live with so many horrible images and thoughts popping up in my head all the time. I am constantly on edge and everyone hates me and talks about me and laughs at me for it. my mom basically won't let me go to a therapist, and when I asked to go to the doctors one time she talked me out of it. My dad completely ignores me all the time, and if he isn't he is just teasing my sisters and I. We have to do swimming in gym class and the thought of everyone seeing how ugly I am in a bathing suit makes me want to die more. I can't stop thinking about what if I fail, what if I hurt someone, what if I die, etc and I'm tired of it all i usually say 'oh I'm too much of a coward to actually kill myself' but now my brain has scared me so much that it's either: put myself in a mental hospital (which probably won't happen, as I'm still a minor) or commit suicide. I've gotten pretty close before, I wrote many notes, but I was always too scared god I'm scared of everything aren't I haha maybe my mom is right, and I am just dealing with teen issues and stuff. If I am please let me know because I want to feel like a normal person for once

Thank you so much for your kind reply! Also, thank you for waiting so long for a reply from me; my alarm didn't go off, and whatnot. After winter break, I'll probably end up going to the school counsellor. I don't exactly remember the last time I went to a doctor/paediatrician for a checkup (oddly enough). Thank you again, and have a nice day!

I'm new here, so I'm extremely sorry if I end up doing something wrong or whatever (formatting, posting in general, etc). For some backstory- I'm fourteen years of age, almost fifteen. I haven't been diagnosed with any sort of mental health issue (I haven't really gone to any pyschiatrists or anything either, though). I've dealt with extremely irrational thoughts since before I can remember. I know they're irrational, but they just keep happening. If I, for example, touch my pet dog I can basically feel the germs he has unleashed onto my hand (I know that's funny wording). Because of this, I must wash my hands, or else my brain will tell me that I am going to get a disease and die. If I'm away from my house, I get paranoid that I have somehow caused our house to get robbed. I also often worry that if I'm going somewhere alone, someone is going to mug and/or assault me. Because of this, I have to stay at home or near someone else (almost) at all times. I worry about what other people think, presumeably more than a lot of people I know. Those are only a few examples, but I think they get the point across. This whole situation has pushed me to the brink of suicide many, many times, but (ironically enough) I am too worried that, if there is a hell (I'm not actively religious, but I like to stay open-minded) then what if I end up going to it? I can think of many reasons why that would happen, honestly. My parents don't exactly seem to care all too much about my issues, but then again I think I'm just kind of paranoid. I don't really get along with my dad, so that could also be a reason I suppose. My mom tells me that I can talk to her about my issues and whatnot, but I don't think that's the case; the only answer she ever gives me is that "teen years are extremely difficult", or "well, you can't possibly have anything really wrong with you". I believe in both of these points, it's just that they are never reassuring and they never ease my problems at all. Then again, I shouldn't really expect others to help aid my issues. Anyway, that was a really long, dramatic 'hello' from me.