Truce

I just know at this point that I need to die. I've known it for well over a year and attempted suicide numerous times in the past few years but now I know for sure. I just feel like the biggest moron ever for staying alive and trying so hard to fix things when I just kept on ruining things by accident. I ruined everything for my family, staying alive was so damn selfish of me. And everyone treats me as if I intend to be such a dumb screw-up and like I intend to make everyone I love look bad. It hurts. Everything hurts so bad. Having Aspergers I had a couple of 'special interests' that helped me cope but over the last year they've slowly slipped away from me because all my mental illnesses plus school stress made me lose interest completely, and I haven't been able to pick up anything else I care about. I only had one reason left to live for the past three months, only one thing that gave me any sense of comfort/confidence/stability in my life, and I lost it permanently this morning. So I've been in a complete shutdown all day and not for one single second have I stopped thinking about how much better it would be if I died. I have these thoughts most of the time, but now it's way too overwhelming and I just know I need to succeed this time. This is the most clear my head has been in so long and I don't know if that's meant to be scary or not.

Thanks so much. There's just so much in my head and it's difficult to think of words and string them together to form coherent sentences. I don't really have much support in person, my parents aren't always understanding and we can't really afford to keep going with counselling or anything anymore.

I'm just kind of in the worst place I've ever been in mentally and have been trying to find distractions, even though I never have the motivation or words to communicate properly. So... hi?