Koi

Hello I'm koi nice to meet you, Iv been threw some shit I'm currently 15 and I have been threw mental Sexual and physical abuse for years since I was 7 by my cousin he is now in jail for rape my father sexually abused me for a while starting when I was 11 but that's not the problem they are they tell me things like that I'm worthless that I'm Nothing to anyone that I'm a disgrace to everyone in my life and no one really cares for me and I know it's all true because you can trust people who have been with you your entire suffering right? You can trust yourself that means you can trust the People you made up in your head? They tell me to do things to myself I can't be around a knife without getting bad thoughts from them not to other people but to myself rarely other people I know I need help I feel fucking crazy I feel horrible I just want this hell to stop please make it stop they keep telling me things they keep pushing me to do things I struggle with cutting only because they like blood and I deserve the pain it's something I deserve for fucking my life up and turning it into this please tell me what to do I know no one can do anything for me but I want to know what to do I help my small group of online friends be happy i tried asking my mother and father for help but they said no they said I was fine they said I was just going threw a rough time but this has gone in for 4 fucking years this hell it's all from.me I caused but I can't get rid of it is this what I deserve where did I go wrong to deserve this fucking hell that they put me threw day after day my sister goes threw the same thing she knows how I feel she has the same thoughts but different we are best friends she's all I have I want to get help I have failed two Suicide attempts sorry if this is all spaced out and stuff I'm not completely myself right now no I dont smoke or drink or do drugs I just dont feel right is there anything I can do to help myself or even my sister?