Au1575

I have romantic feelings for a girl months older than me or my age. I like her she talks to me and she has nice friendly face. Her physivally front chest is normal. But my worry is she is short and small but cute then mind thought what if im attracted to her because she is small and cute and body not looking like a kim kardashian of a sort. Mind got anxious thinking i have romantic feelings for a girl my age that is short and cute and small hands, mind thought i have attraction for children and mind thought i was attracted to her because she might children features not sure but got anxious. I think im attracted to her face and her as a person but i think she is cute amd how short,small she is can be appealing to me. Am i overthinking this or is this ocd or anxiety or my paranoia flaring up.

I think porn addiction ruined sexual feelings for other women but i feel trapped inside.

Yeah but i want sexual feelings for the other older girls i know it makes me worried it will always be like that.

No but with attractive girls and fantasies i dont get sex fantasies a lot just romantic fantasies unable to ejacuate just romatic thoughts and fantasies.

I was just asking. I dont feel a high sex drive but i always get ahigh drive from watching porn.

Based on what you said do you think im a pedophile.

A few months ago i experienced pocd was bad. From the year of 2015 i was depressed and low sex drive but i cant get aroused by any other girls. I can get aroused by couple which annoys me i get romantic fantasies of beautiful girls but no sexual excitement to masterbate to. A month ago out of nowhere i experienced one of the worst depression episodes of guilt probably pocd a memory and i felt so plagued and cant move on the guilt was to much. Then fantasies of underage girls 12 or 13 the 13 year old lookrd older then tried checking if i could get aroused if i did i felt guilt like my mind cant stop sending signals of guilt. Then horrible thoughts about myself for having such horrible thoughts. Yesterday i realized something bad i had arousing and guilt fantasy of friend which i cant stop sexually fantasizing about since middle school and i had a porn addiction. Then i realized i had a fetish of her having a vertain face structure skin color and hair color and long hair. Then got guilty i remember my first fantasy of her in 6th grade having those features then felt horrible guilt and didnt realize what a pervert i could be. But i also had a fetish like that when i was 13 and half then mind thought what if that fetish was her as a 11 year old. I tried checking to see if i was aroused by fantasies of her as 11 or 12 or 13 or 14 year old but did not. The fetish occurs randomly either when i think of her as older when i need to masterbate then this pops up in mind without urges popping first. This fetish barely comes by a lot. I also had a fetish of thinking her smiling from when she was 12 then thought am i aroused by her as a 12 year old. I also had a fetish for another friend with ponytail and body as a 12 year old that barely or never comes up anymore. When i was 15 a couple of times i may have masterbated to underage fantasy without realizing the age or details i was just a crazy kid who needed to masterbate. Now i wonder if im a pedophile and i feel lost to the ppint i dont care anymore and i truly think if i am nothing is reversible. I also wonder why not very often could i masterbate or enjoy to other beatiful women this only happens when i watch porn videos or think about my close friends that are girls around my age. For example if i was 12 she was 12 if i was 15 she was 14 or 15. I also have a huge sexual addiction to my teachers i had. I had guilt for having a fantasy of 15 and half year old or a 16 year old combining the same scenario as my teacher them mind thought pedo then i said it was bad but 15 and half its not the worst. I meant it was bad but not the worst. I was also addicted to a porn video which opened a big role of the sexual fantasies i had over the years and fetishes. Now i feel like it is not pocd or just much worse than what it could or not. I have high morals and emphativ at times so im not sure if im a perevert with guilt feelings or guilt and no arousal anymore or past guilt not sure or no more arousal after realizing what this could be not sure.