scruffycat

True, I'm not alone in having these thoughts. But I think mine aren't normal, or at least I think about them too much. I get a thought and ruminate and ruminate, trying to pick it apart for days. Some specific thoughts have been on my brain for years (not continuously, of course) and I'm getting very tired. I understand why you don't like diagnoses, but I think they can be helpful, so I can get the correct treatment and such. Also it makes it easier to explain to my friends why I'm behaving in a strange way. It feels good to be able to say, for example, ''Sorry I'm having such a hard time talking to you and making eye contact, I'm autistic'' so they understand there's actually a reason I'm being weird. I just wish I'd been diagnosed earlier, so I wouldn't be so emotionally stunted as an adult.

I'm not sure. I am depressed but I feel like this is something else. I thought it was Alexithymia but when I looked into it more, I didn't think the symptoms matched. I just want my emotions to be normal. Medications don't seem to work against this.

I wasn't sure what to title this. I have what I suspect is OCD, not officially diagnosed so I can't say for sure. Extremely excessive handwashing, ruminating, fear that I might hurt people in various ways, and other awful things. But there's another thing that might be OCD-related that I can't get out of my brain. I get thoughts that I don't agree with. It's hard to explain. Example: I love my nephews. When my youngest nephew was about a year old, my brother told me he nearly suffocated on some food because he was too impatient and hungry, and inhaled the food. When I heard that, I immediately got the thought of, ''Serves him right, now he'll know not to be such a glutton''. I felt happy when I thought this. But then I immediately tried to shake the thought and I felt sad and disgusted for thinking it. I have other thoughts like this, and they don't make sense. Like, I will genuinely feel happy and I have to make a conscious effort not to, it's almost a physical effort. Sometimes I feel angry with someone, but then I think ''but I KNOW in my heart I'm not angry at all at this person'', but I still have to make an effort not to feel angry. It makes me confused, like, are my feelings even real? Do I just think I like/dislike people? There's also something else, and I don't know if this is related. I get the wrong emotions in different situations. For example, let's say there's an event I've been wanting to go to, like a concert or a party or whatever. I've been looking forward to it for weeks. But then when I get there, I feel... pretty much nothing. It's not fun or exciting, it's just... meh. Or let's say that someone tells me, ''this person died'' and I'll feel happy. I hate these wrong feelings, they disgust me. Am I a sociopath or something? I'm going to talk to a professional about this in the future, of course, but it's the middle of the night right now and I just wondered if someone might know what it could be, or have an inkling? Please?

I'm gonna go for a walk because i feel like I'm being eaten alive in this apartment. I'm sorry for posting over and over. I think I'm just pretending someone's here talking to me.

I should stop. I've heard that people can die just from wanting to die, so maybe that will happen.

I actually feel like I'm losing grip on reality. I'm not dissociating, I do have a grip on reality, but at the same time it feels like I'm not here. I can't explain it. i think it's like I'm looking through a lens? or in a bubble maybe. I want to go fir a walk and clear my head, but I'm afraid I'll do something stupid. I hate that every time I write or speak things don't come out the way I want, it's like I have to check it. Do I sound too desperate or too calm? I'm scared people will think I sound too calm to be sick, or like I'm pretending to be sick.

I'll ramble here and look like an idiot, I'm not sure if I care. i'm gonna sound incoherent, i'm sorry, I know it's weird and obnoxious. i just need to say things. I know you are not therapists on this site, I'm sorry. I'm just tired and I want this to stop. Things have changed. They're not what they used to be. At the same time I was always fucked up. I want to die, but I'm scared of death. If I could just jump off a bridge. It would be easy but I'm too scared. I want to scream at my mom that she should care more. Which is pathetic because I'm an adult and she's not obligated to watch my every move. But iI still resent her, but why? Should I be angry? Should I be angry that she left for a vaction when I was in the hospital in September for the other suicide attempt? I'm even telling the internet this. Because I'm angry. Why? She was sad, it's not like she didn't care. When my brother comes over, I can feel the air turn to ice because I think he's angry and disappointed that I could do such a horrible thing to my mom. And everyone else. But they all know that I'm sick. It woiuld be better if I were dead. I know that, for several reasons. I shouldn't have been born to begin with, everyone wanted mom to abort me. I've been angry my whole life. I am actually a freak of nature, because I do have all this shit. i should tell a therapist this but I think it's easier because I can't see the person I'm speaking to? I have worrying traits. I'm not the person som epeople think I am. The doctor at the hospital coukd read me like a book, but he still didn't understand. I can't say why. Well I can, but I'm too scared.

I've talked to therapists before. My issues have been known for a while. I'm seeing a therapist in a few days, as decided when I was in the hospital the other day for that suicide attempt I mentioned. I hope it goes somewhere. I know I have to keep an open mind. But I'm an adult and things have been horrible since my early teens, so at this point I know I'm a lost cause. Yes, a part of me wants to hope. But at the same time I know it's hopeless.

I just can't let go of the past. I have OCD and depression that make my life miserable. I've done horrible things. I wanted to tell someone what I'm thinking about right now but I can't. I thought I could. It's just over. Everything is black. I regret things immediately after doing them so I regret posting already. I just wanna be happy but I can't.

I just can't deal with this. Please. If anyone has time to spare, could you please talk to me? I've attempted suicide twice in a few months' time. Last time was this New Year's eve. I think If I had some guts I would take Ibuprofen for liver damage and die for real. But I can't live like this. I'm being haunted by so many things and one thing in particular haunts me tonight. I'm afraid to even say it because it's awful. Please. I need to get some tjings off my chest but im afraid. I know it won't help but im desperate.

Thank you. I really appreciate you taking the time out of your day to write this. I still feel horrible, but slightly more hopeful. I don't know if everything will work out but I'll try. Thanks for the support.

Alright, I'm sorry for misunderstanding. I have thought about admitting myself to hospital, but I'm scared. I don't wanna be stuck there forever. But I'm running out of options. I just want a normal life without having to second guess every single thing I do.

Hearing you say I didn't molest my nephew does make me feel somewhat better, but at the same time, you also said ''to protect others you need to be hospitalized'' suggesting that I might do something one day. So then I probably should kill myself.

Please... I know I'm a whiny bastard and I'm sorry. But I don't know what to do anymore.

You're all so nice. But everything's just effed up right now. My mom is away in Greece for two weeks, and my kind brother says I can stay with him and his family if I want - but that just makes it worse, since he has a toddler, and everytime I play with him I just get scared I'm gonna hurt him. And he gets so sad if auntie won't play with him - but how could you explain POCD to a two-year-old? I stayed the night yesterday anyway because I was about to kill myself, and I did something disgusting. When I was playing with my nephew, I poked him briefly on the front of his pants to show myself it doesn't make me a child molester but now I feel horrible. My brother and his wife also recently had another baby, and when he was lying in his stroller I thought about doing the same to him to again confirm it didn't mean anything. I ended up not doing it, but still. Don't you understand? I'm a monster. How could I do this?