Labdbr

Thank you, I will have a look at it as soon as I have the possibility. Well, yes, I think that I have to wait until things get serious enough. It has been 4 years now since my first cut but no psychologist ever knew about it because it just seemed unimportant. I'm always waiting way to long to see a new therapist but when I don't feel absolutely suicidal, I feel like I don't deserve it. It took so much time to decide whether I should talk to my teacher in first place because I felt like she was forced to ask me if everything was alright. I've been diagnosed with severe depression and actually have to take antidepressants but yeah I guess I've some wrong diagnosis just like with the anorexia part. I've been with different therapists for 3 years now but after like a few week I came to hate every single one of them because they seem even crazier than me. One didn't even care that I lost like 7 kilos while being in therapy with her and my current just focused on why I never stop learing and school is so important for me which just didn't seem to be like the right point to begin when I often can't even allow myself sleeping. My mum knows everything and she's actually quite supportive but I guess it's hard to see how her own child would rather want to die. So I guess, I have the same reason that you have, I didn't want her to be worried eventhough mothers like know most of the time if something is wrong haha It wasn't really like hey come here and I tell you something about your daughter's problems but she had to tell my mom because we had this class trip and I told her before about my feelings and stuff and at some point said something about being suicidal and then my mom had to sign whether she could take responsibility for this. I can understand her in a way, I guess I would be mad in this situation because she felt like I trust my teacher more than her but that wasn't true. It was really just the part of protecting and also to let her know before the class trip because that kind of things is like really hard if there is no one around who knows about it eventhough one or two friends know about my situation Looking back, I feel like this was super dumb and I never should have written her in first place and especially not now but now I can't go back. Oh okay, I tried to guess where do u might be from and somehow the idea of Italy or Spain popped up but don't ask me why haha Have a nice day

Thank you, it was so hard and I've been already crying because I regret it so much and don't have the chance to self harm etc. what would be my 'normal' punishment in a way it can be normal. I hope I'm not triggering you or anything, I just really wish I could go back and don't write her. Yeah this thought of being fake or not being ill enough is one of the main reasons for not reaching out although I've been told many times that it is really severe but I just can't help feeling like that's not true. I would never say that I have any many illnesses, more likely that I've been struggeling with those things or that I've been diagnosed but yeah you know. But I really want to stop acting as if everything was good because most of the times it's not real and my life seems to be a constant lie. It's like standing between wanting people to notice that I'm not even a bit fine but on the other hand I don't want to come off as attention seeking. It's kind of complicated because my mum knows about everything and my teacher was the one who told her that it got worse again and now my mum hates her somehow like wtf ok thank you make my life even harder and that's the reason why I don't want my teacher to talk to my mum about it because maybe she felt like I would replace her eventhough I only want to prevent her from my dumb feelings and stuff. Haha okay that's nice to hear! On Monday we will try to find a date. She is always really fast when trying to make appointments. Not sure if this is good or she just wants to get rid of me faster. Thank you again and have a nice day (or night? Whatever time zone you are in)

As it got even worse, I decided to send her an e-mail asking for another talk and really did it this afternoon with the help of some friends. I wrote something like 'i will regret this like right now but i spend weeks thinking about whether I should write this e-mail blablabla could we like talk again if you have time blablabla and so on' and she answered directly that I shouldn't regret anything and that we certainly could meet and look for a date and stuff like that but I don't really know how I should feel about it because yeah accepting help is still so hard especially if there are days when at school I laugh and joke and everyone notices that I'm happy or at least I seem happy and then I go home and can't stop crying and often fall back into bad habits. I don't know why I can't allow myself to be sad at school. Yeah whatever I just really hope she doesn't want to talk to my mum again because that would be like really bad. Thank you again for your advice and I'm pleased to hear that things are better for you know. Feel free to write me if I can help you somehow!

Wow thank you very much, Lala, for taking some of your precious time to answer my pathetic question. I'm sorry that it took so long for me to reply but I had and have some really important exams this and next week so I have even less time than before if that's even possible yeahy for school (I tried to quote the stuff you wrote but I'm on my phone and it took aaaaages so yeah I gave up sorry) I'm sorry (wow well done for saying sorry so much girl) to hear that you had such a hard time yourself and I really hope you are feeling better now! The last days let me keep thinking about whether I should contact her because everyone is like yeah talk to her and the school psychologist about it, you really don't bother her and stuff and then this tiny voice pipes up again like b*tch no she has better things to do and you smiled and laughed that one time last week and now she wouldn't believe you anyway so yeah still haven't decided what to do. This time schedule thingie is like a reaaaally nice idea, thank you for the tip. I surely will try to integrate this in my everyday life! yeah I guess I really have to start some time but working on all the stuff going on is soooo exhausting and yeah I will try to do it. Thank you but your English is really good! I've been learning the language now for over 10 years and eventhough I got some kind of advanced class it's still so bad and I hate myself for not being perfect #pefectionistverymuch Again, thank you so much and have a nice weekend!

Thanks for your fast reply! I really appreciate what you are doing here. The problem is that I really don't know how to approach her for more help because it feels that I don't deserve someone actually being nice to me. I'm going to finish school in summer so that's why it is so hard atm. I really don't have time to just slow down and take some mental health time or any other activities. Which is another problem because after years of self destruction my body is slowly giving up and it's getting worse and worse everyday. I just want to finally end it all

Hey, i had a very hard time lately as im struggeling with suicidal tendencies, self harm, depression, anxiety, anorexia and OCD for many years now but im never feeling "ill" enough, so writing this is like really hard for me. Just for basic information, Ive been in therapy many times, take anti depressants and started feeling worse again last spring. I told my teacher back in summer about my problems because she asked me a lot if everything was okay and we had this class trip thing that i was afraid of and i dont Even know why i told her everything but she is like really nice and i couldnt go on any longer without telling someone. She had to tell my mom at some point because the risk would have been too high but after that we rarely talked anymore. School is really stressing me out and im even worse than before but I don't know if I should talk with her about it and i don't know how because i don't wanna bother her with my stupid problems. Can anyone help me? Thank u for reading and I'm sorry for my bad english