mrsrobot

I've really wanted to, I just can't afford it (no insurance and out-of-pocket it's just too expensive). I'm trying to pay down my student loans and pay off our credit card so that I can maybe free up money to see someone, but it will probably be a long time before I'm able to.

Yeah, I have highs and lows sometimes. Lately, I'm feeling myself going back to a low, to the point where I'm kind of scaring myself. I feel like I'm right back to trying to keep from hurting myself all over again.

I asked our leasing office about moving so I'm hoping that will happen over the summer. I feel high now. I'm happy all the time and it's like I can't stop laughing and talking. I don't recognize the girl who wanted to die a few months ago. Is there something wrong with me?

I talked to my husband about moving to a different unit in our apartment complex. The one we have is really nice, but gets almost no daylight at all, which I think might be contributing to my depression (particularly my seasonal depression, which seems to be getting worse every winter). He was on board, so we're going to talk to our leasing office soon and see if it's an option. Hopefully it's possible and it helps.

That's true. It definitely feels like I'm all alone most of the time. We see our family frequently but no one ever just offers to come over or take my son out for a little while. I remember relatives and friends doing that with me when I was little and that wasn't even that long ago, but things have really changed.

I really messed up today. I forgot the Mother's Day party at my son's preschool because I set the reminder for tomorrow by accident and was so busy running errands. I didn't even remember until it was over. I don't really have a space that's just mine but I've been retreating into our bedroom early every night. I'm trying to just spend some time alone and breathe, but it's hard because I always feel guilty about what I need to accomplish and what I didn't get done during the day.

Today is so overwhelming. Every single time I go to get one thing done, three more things pop up. I made my son's snack and he dumped out every single toy in the living room. I cleaned those up and he dropped a sandwich facedown onto the carpet and had an accident. After those things were taken care of we barely made it to our appointment on time. I tried to tidy up when we got home but he wouldn't take a nap and kept making messes left and right. I know he's just playing so I didn't punish him for it or anything, but it's just so frustrating. Days like this happen more often than not, where I don't even have time to get a sip of water or catch my breath before there's something else I can't ignore. I don't know why I'm so bad at keeping up. Other moms do so much better than me.

I'm a mom and while that's the best thing I've ever done (seriously, I hit the jackpot when it comes to my son. He's so wonderful), I always feel like I don't do enough. Like I'm not good enough. I'm so exhausted from trying to be the best mother I can be, and trying to be a good wife, that I can barely get through the day. I just feel so overwhelmed by even the smallest tasks. The idea of folding laundry or loading the dishwasher exhausts me just to think about. I try to get outside when I can and I do all the things you're "supposed" to do when you're depressed. I work out, I eat right, I do yoga, you name it. It just feels like nothing works.

As long as I can remember, I've had difficulty during the winter. But each year, it gets longer and harder. This year, I've been feeling the lowest I've ever felt, pretty much without end, since September. I haven't had any relief. Every single day just feels like a pit. My whole body hurts because I'm either sad and crying so hard I dehydrate or I'm just numb and stiff from lying around. I never hurt myself before this year. I never thought seriously about killing myself before this year. Like I said, every year the depression gets harder and harder and lasts longer. I don't think I'll survive any more of this.

I've realized recently that I matter very little and don't do anything that wouldn't be missed. Any talents I have are mediocre at best. I'm unattractive. I have no career. I don't do anything important or worthwhile, there's nothing about me that's worth keeping on this earth. All I do is take up resources that others need more. I'm just here, for no reason, with no purpose. I guess I just can't see why I should live.