Catti

By the way, I have never considered suicide or self harm as a way to deal with my problems. I'm sorry If I worried anyone.

I either have a form of body dysmorphia or everyone's lying to me. I'm not sure which one scares me the most. Here's a bit of background: I am a boy, I wear minimal makeup to cover my acne and I am about to go into high school. Also, I hate myself. When ever someone compliments me, I feel a weird mix of emotions that I can't exactly describe. At first, Its a sudden rush of joy. Almost like a, "wow, maybe I'm not so bad after all?" This sugar high of happiness only lasts for a few minutes though, because there's always the lingering feeling that they are wrong, that I'm not good enough for their praise. Sometimes when this happens, I feel increasingly worse and worse to the point when I feel like I have to through up. I become paranoid that everyone's in on this big Inside joke about me, and that they all gossip about me behind my back, that they all secretly hate me. I try to tell myself that I'm wrong, but I can't seem to stop this knee jerk reaction of self loathing that happens whenever someone compliments me. Its like this, when someone says that I have a great complexion, I know they've noticed how cakey my foundation is. Or Whenever someone says that they like my hair, I just know that they wouldn't have said that if it didn't look bad. I feel like everyone's backhandedly complimenting me and that they all think that I'm ugly and stupid and not worth it. If they did, I wouldn't disagree. I think I look disgusting. I'm just a bad person. I don't mean that I'm a person that dose bad things, but I am genuinely bad at being a human being. Everyone else I know is able to handle things like this, able to cope with there bad qualities. I just think that I have too many bad quality to make up for my few good ones. The few people that know that I feel bad tell me that I'm too hard on myself. They say that no one else is judging me. But I can't agree with that. I judge everyone and I mean everyone. I tally up their flaws and there facial structure to see if I look worse then them. Even if it makes me feel better temporarily, It just makes me feel worse in the end, because I know that it's such a horrible thing to do. And also, if I judge other people like this, who's to say that they don't do the same? Thank you for helping me out with this and I'm sorry that it's so long. I've been waiting for far too long to let this out, and I can't bear to tell anyone I actually know about this. I really need someone to talk to about this. Again, thank you so much.