Lately I've been living in fear.
The realization started to come about a year ago. I think I fell in love with an 11 year old.
I'm 23 years old, have a stable relationship with someone my age and a stable job and this sudden awareness has thrown my mental health into disarray.
At first I was just disgusted with myself for having feelings for somebody that age.
The disgust faded a bit as I realized I didn't have serious sexual feelings towards girls that age (I really don't want to sleep with them) but I have the undeniable feeling that I'm in love with her and that I want to kiss her / cuddle etc. (Sorry if this disgusts people reading this but I have to get this off my heart or I'll go insane). But all the disgust soon turned into utter despair as I never would or could act upon those feelings.The knowledge that I could never be loved by someone I love, really shattered my heart into a million pieces and soaked it in despair.
Never mind acting upon it, I could never ever tell anyone about this.
The fact that I have these feelings and that I have to live with never telling anyone fills me with fear. Fear of never truly being happy, the fear of being spat out by society, fear of losing everyone I care about if they ever somehow found out. I have no idea how I'm ever going to get through life like this.
I think this all is connected to an underlying fear of getting older. I've been having issues with the fact that my worry-free and fantastic teenage years are gone forever.
Lately thoughts about killing myself have popped into my head. I currently think it's a dumb idea the doesn't solve anything. But the fact that it pops into my head fills me with even more fear for the future.
I try to keep on living my life but every day the burden gets worse.
I don't know what to do anymore.
Thank you for reading nonetheless