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Savoidam

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  1. Thank you LaLa for your open mind, kind words and advise. I can't really justify with words how much it means to me that there's somebody out there willing to listen without judging me. I've been thinking about visiting a therapist but as you already anticipated, I'm petrified of actually telling anyone about this face to face. Also because I need to lie to people I care about as to why I would go visit a therapist (I do 'obviously' think it is justified to lie in this case). Nonetheless I'm gonna take your words as wisdom and start searching for a therapist if thoughts keep returning. Your insights about fear leading to obsession gave me very valuable knowledge as to what I need to guard myself for. I'm still extremely uncertain and fearful of the entire situation, maybe because I've only recently accepted/identified these feelings for what they are. I doubt all that is gonna disappear soon. I catch myself still hoping I'll learn to deal with these feelings myself and that they'll fade away. I know better but the entire situation doesn't bring out the best of my intelligence and sanity. Once again, I can't thank you enough for your time and advice.
  2. Lately I've been living in fear. The realization started to come about a year ago. I think I fell in love with an 11 year old. I'm 23 years old, have a stable relationship with someone my age and a stable job and this sudden awareness has thrown my mental health into disarray. At first I was just disgusted with myself for having feelings for somebody that age. The disgust faded a bit as I realized I didn't have serious sexual feelings towards girls that age (I really don't want to sleep with them) but I have the undeniable feeling that I'm in love with her and that I want to kiss her / cuddle etc. (Sorry if this disgusts people reading this but I have to get this off my heart or I'll go insane). But all the disgust soon turned into utter despair as I never would or could act upon those feelings.The knowledge that I could never be loved by someone I love, really shattered my heart into a million pieces and soaked it in despair. Never mind acting upon it, I could never ever tell anyone about this. The fact that I have these feelings and that I have to live with never telling anyone fills me with fear. Fear of never truly being happy, the fear of being spat out by society, fear of losing everyone I care about if they ever somehow found out. I have no idea how I'm ever going to get through life like this. I think this all is connected to an underlying fear of getting older. I've been having issues with the fact that my worry-free and fantastic teenage years are gone forever. Lately thoughts about killing myself have popped into my head. I currently think it's a dumb idea the doesn't solve anything. But the fact that it pops into my head fills me with even more fear for the future. I try to keep on living my life but every day the burden gets worse. I don't know what to do anymore. Thank you for reading nonetheless
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