CheldonMK

I usually stay in my room so I won't be bothered. But I don't really have any other "safe space" so to speak.

https://cheldonmk.wixsite.com/abnormalgreymatter I'd love to hear some feedback from you all about my new website. I still have a lot planned for it so I'll be making updates regularly. II'm going to look into getting an actual domain name very soon.

I literally relive it regularly. I have moments where I'm immobilized by the memories I have from the bullying I got from my peers. It was so bad that I was having psychotic episodes at 12 years old. As a teenager, I had so much anxiety from it that I thought I was going crazy. When I got to college, I was a complete mess. I have a pretty serious case of Bipolar Disorder, and the onset of that at around...17 or so really messed me up to where I had to drop out of college at 19. It made the bullying worse because I have a serious mood disorder and people would get on my case for not acting normal. Now I call myself crazy and invalidate myself because I'm "crazy".

Even though I love my parents and sister very much, they're emotional abuse and neglect is just too much. Ever since I was little, they would try to control my emotions. I only had a set way on how to feel, because anything else was not acceptable. I even have gotten punished for being sad, upset, or angry. My mom would yell at me and start to hit me. She'd threaten me into not feeling the undesired emotion. My sister always tried to control my feelings by ordering me to either feel something else or go feel it out of sight of others. My dad never cared, he would just laugh at me. This caused me to become very self-destructive as I became an adult. I won't go into details about that. I can't talk about my feelings as all, or else they get mad at me, laugh at me, or brush it off like it's nothing. If someone is bothering me, they ask me what I did to them. If something is bothering me, I'm told to "get over it" "let it go" "you need to process that" "grow some balls". Sometimes they even EXPECT me to get angry and tell me that what they're gonna say is going to make me mad. How? I don't even know what they're going to say. I'm often being told how to feel and when to feel it. "Don't get mad" "cool it" "Get over yourself" "stop crying" "go mope somewhere else" "stop sulking". Now I get so angry when people try to tell me what to do with my emotions. I often tell them, "DON'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO!" "Why are you getting so defensive?" Because I don't like being told how to feel and when to feel it. I'm sick of it. It's almost like every other emotion besides happiness is inconvenient to them when it comes from me. I just keep them to myself. I don't cry in front of them anymore because they get mad at me for it. I don't even tell them that their teasing hurts me anymore. Because they don't care. They only care if they think it's going to make them look bad. I tried to educate them but they just aren't having it. I don't know what to do anymore. It's like they want me to think my emotions are bad and that I should be ashamed of them. I'm at my wit's end, people. Even though the physical abuse stopped years ago, the verbal and emotional abuse hasn't stopped. It hurts me because these are the people I need support from the most. But I have to hide my emotions from them. All because they don't like it. I even hide my feelings from my friends and coworkers because I don't want to bother them with my feelings. I feel like my feelings bother people. Now I feel like my only outlets are my blog and my journal. I need to get away from these people.

I'd definitely talk to a specialist about it. I have ADHD and have experienced a lot of what you are now. Mental health is so tricky because so many symptoms overlap with eachother. Sometimes a symptom, like anxiety, can be a disorder in itself. I'm no doctor, but I can see how this is causing you a lot of stress in your life. Finding a good psychologist and psychiatrist will really give you a head start to feeling better and enjoting life. You might end up having to see a neurologist if there's something deeper than a psychological problem. I hope you are able to start feeling better soon!

I always enjoy sipping a hot cup of tea....Well, I usually drink a pot or two of it. I'm also a nurturer by nature, so I often find peace in caring for others.

I hope I'm not the only one who has aversions to certain foods. For my whole life, I've had an irrational aversion to grapes. Like, it sounds weird because they are a harmless fruit. But my brain is wired to believe that they are somehow "contaminated" and must be avoided at all costs. If I accidentally come into contact with them, I have to wash the area immediately or else I have some serious anxiety about becoming contaminated. My family makes fun of me for it, but it's a serious irrational belief that I can't seem to get rid of. I have intrusive thoughts of them being shoved down my throat, which makes me want to vomit, then drink bleach behind it. I'd never drink bleach, but my intrusive thoughts show me forcing myself to vomit, then drinking bleach, only to force vomiting again. I really hope I'm not the only one who deals with food aversions like this. It's not a full-blown phobia, but it definitely causes me significant anxiety. Even photos of them make me uneasy. I feel like a lunatic whenever these thoughts come up. Like, it's a harmless food, but it gives me so much anxiety.

I'm Cheldon (Yes that's my real name. My mom gave it to me for my birthday) I came here because I don't get a lot of emotional and mental support at home. My family loves me, they just don't really know how to be supportive of me despite my illnesses. I have Bipolar Disorder Type 2, Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD), and Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) I need support from people who understand what it's like and know where I'm coming from. I also have a blog called Abnormal Grey Matter. Hopefully, we can all learn from and support eachother.