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Ah I see! That's alright, actually Beth messaged me about it too I ended up starting a new blog anyhow, I was just confused at first!

Hi everyone, I haven't been on this site for some time and when I logged back on, WHOA has it ever changed!! I am still figuring out how to use everything :S Anyway, I can't seem to access my own Blog entries, meaning old ones that I wrote before the site changed it's format. It's telling me that I don't have access to them. Is anyone else having this issue?

Thanks LaLa. It's nice to hear from you It's been a while. I've not been online for a very long time, I know. Your advice is appreciated and I think you have many good suggestions. We have since talked about going out more, but as he explained to me, I don't always want to go out. He does suggest that we do things and I often say no. I'm not sure why. I do know that he prefers to do things spur of the moment whereas I need plans. This is a challenge for us, but we're working on it. I think a lot of my own internal issues are what are causing me not to be able to enjoy life. I've become less close with a lot of my friends in the past year. This is due to the fact that they are friends with my ex-fiancé and I no longer attend events where he is present (I am uncomfortable with it and so is my current boyfriend). My boyfriend does not have close friends as he is somewhat anti-social. We do try to do things occasionally with his sister and her husband which is nice. I do need to start therapy again. This has become evident to me in the past month actually. My mental health took a large slide downwards. I have been in a constant state of anxiety and depression, causing me to have trouble working and functioning on a day to day basis. More OCD like symptoms are coming to surface unfortunately, which is something i've struggled with in the past but it became manageable for a while. I think that maybe if I were to deal with some of my own personal issues, some of the relationship issues would be resolved, or perhaps I would see them in a different light. When my mind is fuzzy from obsessive thoughts, it's hard for me to identify what is right and what is wrong. Oh and I wanted to mention, now that neither of us are on medication, we are able to get out more. My boyfriend is doing suprisingly well. He is on the lowest available dosage of Paxil right now and he is feeling much better. It seems that the anti-depressants were causing more damage than good. I find that I felt less anxious on medication but that my relationship with my boyfriend is better now that I'm not on it. Unfortunately I've been diagnosed with some health issues lately which have caused me to have to take hormones at times and that is not helping my mood! But I'm hoping once that's resolved I'll feel better

I have a generalized anxiety disorder and I suffer from depression off and on. I have taken medication for my anxiety in the past (Wellbutrin and Cipralex) but due to the sexual side effects, I decided to stop taking medication and deal with my anxiety and depression naturally with homepathic medicine, exercise, and therapy. So far things are going ok, although I have bad days. I guess I need to give it some time since i've only been off medication for a few months. I've been with my boyfriend for a little over a year. We are very much in love. He also has a generalized anxiety disorder however it is more severe than mine. He has been on medication for a number of years but has recently decided to start tapering off of his most recent medication, Paxil. Along with the sexual side effects, he was also have major digestive upsets. Being in a relationship with two people who have a mental illness is hard. Sometimes it's hard for us to support each other because we're both hurting/sick at the same time. We do our best. Now that neither one of us are on medication, it's especially hard. I get depressed very easily and I'm very sensitive. He is frustrated and anxious due to the tapering. We never go out. I can't remember the last time we went on a date. As much as we enjoy each other's company and love each other very much, we're both getting depressed because of the sheltered lives we're leading. I am having some social anxiety issues, and he is having general anxiety issues which prevent us from planning dates and going out. It's a weird feeling. We want to go out and enjoy life, however anxiety issues prevent us from doing this. I find what's especially hard is I'm doing a lot better than he is right now. I've fully tapered off of my medication and I'm finding ways to deal with my anxiety. Meanwhile, he is having a very rough time. He feels bad that he can't take me out like I want. It just gets depressing, always being at home. I want to go out for dinner or go to a movie. But right now that's almost impossible. I just don't know what to do. I wish there was something that could make me feel better about the situation I guess. This isn't so much a question, I'm just looking to see if anyone can relate. Perhaps they can tell me how they dealt with this.

I have been absent from this site for some time. I feel bad about it actually. So many people have offered me help in the past and I haven't been around to help anyone or just listen. I've only posted a few time in the past year. I suppose in a way I've felt unable to help anyone as for a while I was unable to help myself. I started a completely new life in 2011. As I have spoken about before, I started a new job, broke off an engagement, started dating someone new, "donated" my beautiful cats to my mother, and moved into a new house. Change is hard for me. Change is hard for most people. But the biggest change, and most significant one I made last year was that I started to take medication for my anxiety and depression. For so many years I hesitated thinking that it would somehow poison me and turn me into a drug-dependant zombie. I had such a negative attitude towards it. It was only when I saw my boyfriend go through a period of withdrawal from an anti-depressant that I realized what these drugs do. When I met him, he was such an upbeat guy. He was open about his anxiety issues and how he had overcome them with therapy and exposure (social anxiety), but that he may need medication for the rest of his life and he's accepted that. I was in awe. Knowing him as I did, I would never have guessed that he had an anxiety disorder. As I got to know him, more signs of the issue began to show. He has a strong shell, but his is soft and vulnerable on the inside. Still, he is grounded and he does what he needs to do to deal with his disorder. In the fall, his doctor made the decision to change his medication. My boyfriend found that it was not working as well as it used to, so he put him on Wellbutrin. I decided to give it a go as well, although I felt forced into the idea by my boyfriend. Both of us had adverse reactions to it. He was off work for a month. I was only off a week but I wasn't coming off of any other medications like he was. To say I felt scared by that first attempt at medication is an understatement. I was horrified and I didn't want that "junk" in my body. I decided I wasn't trying any more. My boyfriend tried to go without medication. He got through the withdrawal symptoms and went on with his life sans medication. I started to notice changes in him. He was dark and negative. He didn't listen anymore, and simple situations seemed impossible for him to deal with. It put a huge strain on our relationship. I shed many tears. Meanwhile I was severely depressed and having new anxiety symptoms. I felt sick all the time. I couldn't turn to my boyfriend because he was battling his own demons, and my family has never understood. I do have a few friends who have been wonderful though. Either way my therapist became concerned. My doctor became concerned. After many years of therapy and mentions of being "totally stressed out all the time", I was finally diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder. This came as no surprise to me. Deep down I knew that, I just wanted someone to validate it. My boyfriend ended up back on Cymbalta, which is what he was taking when we met. I can't tell you the change it's made. He's himself again. I realise now how much he needed that in his system, and how much it's helped him. I thought to myself, maybe who I am now is not the real me? As in, maybe my anxiety and depression have taken over who I was? Truth is, I had no clue who I was anymore. My wants, my desires….it was all a jumbled mess in my head and I could sleep or function normally. I started taking 10mg a day of Cipralex about a month ago. Initially, I felt pretty sick. I could barely keep my eyes open for the first week. Luckily since it was close to Christmas, work was slow and I also have a wonderfully understanding boss who gave me as much time off as I needed. A month into this "drug therapy", I feel different about medication. I feel feelings that I haven't felt since high school. That feeling of being happy just for little things in life. I am calm and I can think clearly. Admittedly, I'm more tired now, but that’s ok because I don't hate everything. And I can sleep! That's so wonderful. People around me have started commenting. I'm a lot happier now and it shows. I have plenty to work on, but I feel like I can now, whereas before, my anxiety wouldn't let me. It seems better to suffer alone than to let all my feeling out of the cage I built for them. I have a much firmer grip on reality. I found this blog today: http://daisyamongroses.com/ It resonated with me. I'm a daisy among roses. I exhaust so much energy comparing myself to everyone around me, which only makes me feel strange and inferrior. But I do love myself for who I am. And I feel like I am on my way to loving myself even more. Just an aside, I bought a kitten and he makes me very happy. He's such a sweet cat. He follows me everywhere and plays fetch. It's nice to not feel alone all the time. I feel like I always have a loyal non-judgemental friend by my side. Anyway, I'm trying to start the year off right this time. Not that everything that happened last year was bad, but it was a very turbulant year. I'm hoping for smooth sailing in 2012 Happy New Year everyone.

No need to apologize for "going on" about your situation. It is an interesting perspective. I'm sorry that you have been in so much pain. I don't have a full understanding of the situation, but I can imagine how difficult that must be. It does have some similarities to mine, however in my case, my boyfriend has an anxiety disorder, and I have depression and anxiety issues. So we're both in quite the pickle. We try very hard to support each other and normally we can, it's just that right now we're both going through a rough time. He just started a new medication actually. He came off the last one way too fast and was experiencing some rather scary symptoms. So now that he's back on an anti-depressant, he's starting to feel "normal" again. He's now on a crusade to help me. He broke down crying this evening saying that he is so afraid to lose me because he's never felt so strongly towards anyone (that made me smile!). I guess all of my negative talk is getting to him. I think he thinks I'm suicidal. I can see how he may have thought that, I can have very dark moments, and I cry most of the time when I'm with him lately. I'm not suicidal though, just very depressed. I have been for a long time, off and on....really for as long as I can remember. I'm just about to turn 27 and I've been depressed since I was about 12 years old. The problem is, it's never been treated. And it's becoming harder to deal with. My therapist is a good therapist, no doubt. But we have lost the bond. And I feel like he's lost interest in helping me. I don't feel confident that I'm getting anything out of therapy. I believe I would benefit from trying another therapist, perhaps one that specialized is CBT, which mine does not do. I need some coping techniques so that I can work through my anxiety and depression. I'm tired of being pushed to re-live every single past event. I don't see the point of living in the past, and my therapist keeps me there. I think I seriously need to consider medication at this point. I feel like I need something to get me on the right track. I can't seem to pull myself out of depression. No amount of therapy has helped completely. I need to find a family physician though. I do not like mine. I met with him for my annual physical this week and I left crying. I told him many times how depressed I was and he kept brushing it off. He actually walked out of the room while I was still talking to him. I definitely need a new doctor so that I can tackle my mental health issues. They're affecting every aspect of my life and essentially taking over.

Thanks Athena. I feel like you get it completely! I'm definitely just looking for a companion. I'm not much of a dog person, but it may be the way to go. I find the sound of a dog barking to be very aggravating. I get anxious. But we'll see. I need something because I'm crying every day from feeling so alone. My mom definitely never acknowledges my feelings. Hers were far more important and she would make fun of me or get angry at me when I was upset. I was chatting with my boyfriend today about how much mental health services suck in our town. Made me think about how young people are not often taken seriously with their mental health issues. I've had them for as long as I can remember! And they were always brushed off...I was told I was over-dramatic or too sensitive. Sad. It's kind of funny that your therapist is much like mine about your mom. I know what you mean...I'm trying to move away from thoughts of her. I'm so tired of re-exploring issues!! I don't find it helpful. You're right that good therapists are hard to come by. I should tell him to back off a bit! I'm sure he'll understand. I went out and bought some vitamin D today. I keep forgetting about that. In fact I should be using my light therapy lamp every morning. The light is so aggravating! But it does work with time. I visited my boyfriend this evening. That was nice. I don't see him much That's very hard on me. He says I should focus on the wonderful times we have together when I am sad that we are apart. It's hard for me to stay positive I guess. He's felt sick for so long now...we never go out because he can't. There's no visible end unfortunately. It's looking more and more like he will need to take medication again. He's not coping well. I just want him to get his life back so that we can get our relationship back! I'm very much struggling with it right now. On one hand I know he loves me. He makes me feel very loved. But I am sad not being able to do anything. It's hard sitting at home alone all the time!

My profile picture is a picture of my cats Mittens and Pearl. I adopted them when they were 5 1/2 weeks old. They were so tiny! And I had to feed them milk still. They were abandoned by their mom when they were a week old. The lady who's property they were found on brought them in to my sister's work (she works for a veterinarian) to have them euthanized. An employee there took pity on them and said that she would take care of them until they were old enough to adopt out. Anyway, they are my little babies...even though they are over 2 years old right now. After the break-up from my fiance earlier this year, life became a little overwhelming. My lease was up this summer and I was in the process of trying to find a place to move to, and also, by some miracle, I met a wonderful man....didn't mean to so quickly, but it happened, and I am very much in love with him. In the process of moving, my cats went to stay with my parents. I didn't want them getting in the way. I decided that they should stay with my parents for a few weeks while I got unpacked and settled in to a new place. Long story short, my dad started letting the always indoor cats outside...and they became outdoor cats. He lets them out every morning and they stay in the backyard and just lay in the sun and catch dragon flies. They are very happy. At the same time, my calico cat Mittens started to calm down a lot. She used to cry out constantly in the morning and she was fairly disruptive in my old place, not to mention defiant towards me. But she really took to my mom actually, and she makes my mom really happy. In fact, my mom doesn't bother me as much as she used to. I think the cats keep her occupied. Anyway, a few weeks after my move, my parents asked me if they could keep the cats. I agreed...feeling it was best since I was barely home at the time and the cats needed attention. Plus my parents are old and cranky people who could use some affection in their lives (they hate each other!!). And the cats love the backyard. In my new place, I have no backyard and they can't go out and wander the neighbourhood. I don't want them to do that. I'm miserable. I really miss them. I won't take them back though. Not only because my parents are attached, but because they've finally adjusted to their new home and I don't want to cause them any more trauma. They are truly very happy there. But I've realised how much they were a therapeutic tool for me. I feel very alone now. My boyfriend is wonderful. I've never felt more like a grown woman before. I've never felt so loved and respected. He's just an angel. He's been going through a rough time lately unfortunately. He's been on anti-depressants for many years to help with social and a generalised anxiety disorder, however he is attempting to come off of them and stay off of them. He's hoping to find a natural way to cope. This has left him more irritable and anxious than usual, not to mention it has aggravated his stomach issues (he, like me, has Irritable Bowel Syndrome, which can take over your life when it acts up). So we don't see much of each other lately. We just spend some time together on a short trip to visit his family, although we were both quite sick the entire time. We took care of each other though. And we did very well, both being sick, but both being able to show love to each other and to keep each other positive. Now that we are back home, he is feeling ill still....and unable to go out unfortunately. I do visit, but being off the medication, he sleeps most of the time (he's been off work for 3 weeks). He has very low energy. I feel alone, because I have been depressed lately. This summer has been very difficult. My friends, also being friends with my ex, have in some ways taken sides. Although they claim not to have taken sides, a few of them spend significantly more time with my ex than with me. I've known them all since elementary school and he knows them through me. It just doesn't seem fair. So it was a lonely summer. When I wasn't with my boyfriend, I was alone. I spent a lot of time alone in my house doing nothing. My cats weren't around....I'm not used to being 100% alone I guess. It's funny, I'm not that social. I'm very introverted and I find social interaction overwhelming. I don't like parties or large get-togethers, and I enjoy "me time". But I get very lonely. My cats prevented me from getting too lonely and depressed. My boyfriend has suggested I get a pet. He's allergic to cats. He is afraid of large dogs. I'm not a huge dog person. I prefer cats. He's hoping he can get used to cats since he likes them and wants me to be happy. I don't know what to do. I told him, I'm not prepared to adopt a temporary pet. I won't be giving this one away if he's allergic. I can't do it. I am thinking of switching therapists. I don't believe mine is helping me anymore. He insists that everything that is wrong with me has to do with my mother and he wants me to revisit issues over and over and over again. Also, he's convinced I'm not telling him everything. While I agree that my mother is evil, there's more than just her to the equation. I actually went to my medical doctor 2 months ago and requested anti-depressants. He put me on Wellbutrin, which I reacted to very badly and I had to be taken off of it. He didn't prescribe anything else for the meantime. He wants to run some tests first. I see him on Tuesday and we are supposed to discuss my options. I don't like the idea of taking anti-depressants, mainly because they can be addictive and they have sexual side effects. I am desperate to feel better in a sense...but not if it will affect my sex drive. I've taken other medications which have 100% killed my sex drive and I've been miserable. Anyway, I am quite sad lately. It seems like my brain is always trying to sort things out. I wish it would stop for a minute! Sometimes it's very hard to sleep. Actually it's past midnight right now. I just don't want to go to bed.

Yes, it took me months to get it fixed. Finally I have a laptop again. I feel like I've been away forever. Life has been going fairly well at least. I am having some anxiety issues lately though. I guess I need to talk about them in therapy. I'm having trouble figuring out what's making me feel so edgy, although I have gone through a lot this year, which probably has a lot to do with it. Anyway, I just wanted to post to let people know I'm still around! Cass

Hi Lala! Yes, I am glad Mark was here too. It was a rough week. I'm happy to report though, that I'm recovering miraculously. I feel really good actually....very confident and happy. I've discovered a bit of my old self...a part of me I haven't seen in years. I thought it was gone forever! But that certain joie de vivre is back. I've started dancing around my apartment to music every morning. I'm silly! But it's uplifting and it makes me feel good. I'm slowly re-introducing myself back into the dating scene. As my therapist says, it will be good for me to get out there and date...see that there are men who fit what I am looking for in a life partner. Things are very good right now

Ok, it's turned around! Truely, I woke up this morning feeling much better. I was finally able to get a little bit of sleep last night which definitely helped. You know, you are right. There is no sense waiting around for pain to stop. And I don't think the "grieving process" has a definitive end...and less so if you don't try to put everything back together and re-gain your life. In fact, I have plans this evening and this weekend with some good friends. That's another thing to keep in perspective - I do have close friends, wonderful friends....so sometimes when I say "I'm alone" it's because I'm catastrophizing and I forget that I have great people in my life. I believe he may have thought that keeping a smile on his face would make the process easier on both of us. In that he failed...although I'm certain he did not mean to hurt me. But like I say, it served a purpose: it reconfirmed how closed off he is and how he is not very good at communicating how he truely feels with me. I've always been an open book. I hope to eventually find someone who is also this way. Thanks for the warm thought I am going to be alright. Time heals most wounds, and I've healed from bad emotional experiences before. I've never felt anything quite like this before, but I am confident that I will pull through and probably faster than I think I will....not that I'm rushing myself.

Malign, your first thought amused me...made me giggle actually. That is very true! You are right, it is part of the grieving process. When I woke up today, I knew in my heart that I had made the right decision in the first place. There are strong reason why I had to end things. And actually, I made the point of speaking with some close friends today, who helped to remind me why I left him. Yes I have lost my best friend and that is terribly sad, but it was not worth continuing on with the relationship just to keep that part of it. The romantic side of things was damaged beyond repair. He came by this evening to pick up his things...smile plastered on his face the entire time. He spoke to me like this was the first time we had ever conversed. I don't know what to think of that. I was in tears the entire time, and he acted like this was just another day for him. :mad: Maybe that was his way of coping, but it felt like a slap in the face. I cried so hard when he left. But in a way, I think the way he treated me helped. It helped confirm why I left him...he does not communicate well. He keeps a shield up. So anyway, it's obvious to me that we are through, and more than likely our friendship is too, so now I just need to heal and move on. You know what the worst part was? His mom asked for her antique teacups back. I loved those so much. And I didn't know which ones she gave me and which ones I acquired on my own...so I just packaged them all up and told him to give them all to her. I don't even care. I can get more....newer ones for my new life. It's going to be rough, but I will pull through. Can't wait for the pain to stop though.

I was doing so so well until now. The past 3 weeks have been ok. I've been coping well with the break-up. I've been going to the gym and trying to eat healthy. The only issue has been that I'm not eating enough, but that happens when I get stressed. Yesterday morning I had a terrible dream. A young man had assaulted me and attempted to murder me in my home. I had escaped unharmed, but the criminal was never caught. In the dream, I was lying in my bed and it was early morning. I opened my eyes as I heard a soft noise, and I glanced over at my clock radio. It turned itself off and all the lights in my home dimmed. Someone had cut my power. It dawned on me at that moment that the criminal may be back to finish me off. I flashed back to the original incident where he had caught me off guard from behind in that very same bedroom. I listened quietly and could hear someone entering my apartment, quietly and strategically. So I grabbed my cell phone and slipped out of bed onto the floor. I went to dial a friend when I thought to myself "what if she is on the phone and can't help? What if she is too busy or preoccupied to help me?" and I decided to call 911 instead. Still unsure if the killer was in the room, I glanced up. He was not in my room, but getting close. As I went to dial 911, I remembered that the power had been cut and that since my wifi internet was not working, I could not use my cell phone (obviously this is not true, but that's dream logic for you). It was then that I realised that I was completely alone with the killer in the room, and that it was too late and there was nothing I could do...and I thought, if only Patrick were here to protect me, but since I broke off our engagement, now I will die alone in agony. I woke up as the killer was about to find me. Of course, I woke up in bed, in the very same room, lighting condition and time of day as my dream. My heart was pounding and I was shaking from head to toe. It took me a moment to shake myself out of it, and then I burst out crying. It sounds odd, but it was at that moment that it sunk in....I am alone. I cried for most of the day. I pulled myself together long enough to go buy a coffee down the road, but when I got home, I cried again. Also the same day, I received an e-mail from Pat asking for his things back....he wanted to set up a time to come by my place. I ended up putting all of his things together in boxes for him in the afternoon and figured it would be good for me for closure. I cried hysterically the entire time. I managed to calm myself down for a bit by cleaning out my fridge (cleaning calms me down), but I ended up crying myself to sleep. I can take a gander as to why it all suddenly set it. Sunday, Easter, was the first holiday that I spent alone, or single at least, in about 12 years. I had dinner with my parents and I sat next to my mom on the opposite side of the table than I usually sit on. I've sat in my spot my entire life for all special occasions. But now, logistically it makes sense for me to sit next to my mom and for my sister and her boyfriend to sit on the other side, one of them occupying "my" seat. It felt so weird. Anyway, it was that night that I had the dream. Today I had a hard time keeping it together. Pat is coming by tomorrow to drop off the key and to pick up his things. I don't want to be here when he comes, however I kind of have to be in order for him to pass me the key. Nonetheless I'm thinking i will ask him to leave the keys on the counter and leave the door unlocked. It's a secure building and most people do not lock their doors anyhow. I am not worried. I just don't think I can face him. The past 2 days have been the worst yet. Why??? Shouldn't it have been the first 2 days? Why now? The worst of it is I'm not only losing a fiancé, I have lost my very best and dearest friend...the one who I always turn to and who has been there for me through thick and thin. Now I truely feel alone. I have no one who understands me quite like him. So the question now in the back of my head is, have I made the right decision? I hate to second guess, I've been telling myself that I made the right choice for weeks. And now, all of a sudden, I am in so much emotional pain that I'm confused. My judgement is definitely clouded. I just want to crawl into bed and not come out for a few weeks....a sort of hibernation from my own life if you will. It's hard to love someone so much, yet feel that you cannot marry them. It hurts so much, I can't bear it, and I need to go to work everyday and put a smile on my face. I should try to sleep at least. I am so tired. I haven't been sleeping well, and when i do I have vivid dreams. I just hope this gets easier...because right now it's just getting harder

I think we all have a tendancy to be a bit "rough" on our significant others in bad time...when we're in a bad mood. Because they can take it better than anyone else, this is true. It's hard not to be hard on ourselves and judge ourselves about it either, although I sincerely hope that you, LaLa, do not judge yourself too harshly. You are human, and I think it is very normal. I don't want to portray him as cruel, as he is not. He's just....well, he needs to figure himself out actually. On an emotional maturity level, we do not match up. I've got probably 10 years on him, even though he is a bit older than me in actuality. This is an issue. For me, it's hard to say I'll wait around for him to "find himself". I want kids and a happy family, and I am getting to an age where i can't delay too much longer. I am by no means old, that's not what I mean. But I am in my late 20s and essentially, i do not feel that i have time to waste waiting to see if things might work out. I have been thinking more and more over the weekend about our relationship. There is a significant void in it. I cant quite place what's missing, but it's something big. I look at other couples....their behaviour around each other....we are nothing like that. There is a severe lack of affection and respect for one another. I have noticed that in the past few days I've felt a bit more confident in myself. For the first time I can look in the mirror and say "I don't look terrible...I'm not fat...I'm not undesirable". I never thought my ex-fiance made me feel that way, but it is interesting what is happening to me. I'm also taking good care of myself, which hasn't happened in a while. I think this may be sign that I've made the right decision. I don't feel that I even want to go running back to him. I miss his companionship but not his love....because I have not felt it in a long time anyhow. Oh LaLa, I don't think I could fall in love with anyone right now even if I tried my hardest. My heart is broken I believe it needs some time to repair itself...it's out of commission for a while. I just wanted to say LaLa, I love it when you talk about your husband....I can tell you really love him. It's very sweet, and I think that is so wonderful

Thanks for lending your ear so to speak LaLa....it helps to have people around who will listen. Well, I've made it ok until today. That's an accomplishment. I was a mess Tuesday night and I had to fight back tears all day Wednesday. I broke down crying when I told my mom. She was surprisingly supportive actually, and she seems to be giving me some space (except for the odd e-mail asking if I'm ok or if I need anything). I have only told 2 close friends and at work I've had to pretend I'm going forward with wedding plans. People ask me all the time, but I'm not really ready to tell people. Besides I still need to talk to my fiance...or I suppose he's my ex-fiance now, isn't he? I told him I need some space and he is respecting that. He's a reasonable guy, and I know he will support any decision I take. The worst part though is that we do love each other. But he does not communicate well at all He knows this. And in almost 9 years together, he has not made much of an effort to change this. It has torn us apart many times, and it's the source of all of our fights. That aside, I have felt "single" for a while now. Him and I spend lots of time together, but we don't do much. We don't go out very often, and there is very little "romance" in my life. I can't remember the last time I was kissed and it felt like, wow this person really loves me. It's more like just going through the motions. If he picks me up somewhere and i get in the car, he won't talk to me unless i say hi. Why does he never say hi first? Might sound silly, but i find it so strange and oddly hurtful. I tell him, I feel like "chopped liver". You know that expression? I feel like I'm not that important. I see him spend time with his friends and he is so happy and full of life. Then when he's with me, he's miserable and asks me all the time "oh, what's my purpose on this earth?" I can't deal with it anymore. It is sad, but he is pulling me under sometimes. A few weeks ago, I hurt my back quite badly. I couldn't move all night. I managed to get into a lying position in bed and I laid there for hours. The pain was excruciating, to the point where I thought I was going to vomit. I didn't sleep...I couldn't. I just texted him all night asking him to please come over and help. I had called him when it happened and i said i was ok, because most of the pain hadn't arrived yet. By the time I was in terrible pain, he wasn't reachable. Eventually he responded (this was in the morning) and asked me if i needed something, and i texted that i needed him to come over. No response. I laid in bed until I had to get up from feeling like I was going to be sick. It took me over 10 minutes to roll over and out of bed...I essentially had to roll onto the floor and fall. He finally called 30 minutes later and he was already at work. He didn't realise how bad it was I guess. Anyway, the reason I tell this story is that he would not come home to take care of me because he wouldn't have gotten paid. I had to call my father who took me to my doctor. The hurtful part for me, is that a few days later he called in sick since he had an interview that day, but also he was going to spend the day with his friend. I told him that I thought that was kind of mean...to take a whole day off for this guy, but not me. He agreed that he had been wrong and that he should have come home to take care of me. He says these things a lot...."I should have" or "oh yes, I know that was wrong of me" but he never does anything about it! It is so sad...because I would do anything for him....but I feel like he wouldn't do the same for me. I can remember times when i was very sick when i've taken care of him when he should have been taking care of me. I cook and clean for him. I would like someone to do that for me sometime. I am in physiotherapy 1-2 times a week now because of my back. My physiotherapist normally starts by trying to work out the knots in my back with his hands. It is so comforting to me to have a man touch me that way...in a caring and nurturing way. Is that wrong? I just miss that feeling...the feeling of someone taking care of me. I am just so sad and heartbroken. All that to say, I don't think that I even want to try to work on things with him. I feel like I've requested this time and time again, but he does not do anything, and he uses his depression and social anxiety as an excuse. You know though, I have those issues to, but I have made the effort. Of course, what he would say to that is "but you have been in therapy longer than me". This is true, but even before therapy, I made a strong effort with him. So I do not see how these things are related. So today, I am taking it easy, but I find that time goes by too slow....nothing to do! I feel like I'm bothering friends if i ask them to do something with me, so I will spend the evening alone. I may go use my elliptical to get some excess energy out...or take a walk to the gym. I need to do something.