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Darkness

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Darkness last won the day on June 28 2013

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  1. I remember Jean o.o But not many details come to mind sorry I don't know how much you remember me of either, lol. A lot has changed in my life. It's been a struggle dealing with the pieces but I think I might be at a positive turning point but I always feel like that possibility is in flux. Been trying a lot though in the last year and a half.
  2. I was bullied in a public school too, it's just at the most critical time I was also bullied in a Christian school I was at for a couple of short years. It was weird, my mom wasn't religious, but my dad was. They divorced before I could walk and both got remarried at different points. My mom thought I couldn't handle the local highschool. A lot of my damage was from my dad who was psychologically manipulative with the religious stuff. He was actually the one who converted me when I was a tween, I started to give it all up around 16 but then my mom thought it would be a good idea to send me ot that school. It was probably her worst mistake ever as a parent. In Retrospect if she wanted to send me to a religious school, although religion wasn't her motivation for sending me there, she should of sent me to the local catholic school, that was actually a good school where they don't shove the religion constantly and you get a decent education that's virtually the same as the local public schools. So ya, part of me for a long time was a product of that... but I like to feel as if I'm past it, but i get this anger anytime I see children being indocrinated, or the christian-right tries to push their agenda into schools or people's lives. Kids don't know any better and are not mature enough to make decisions about their religious or political beliefs until they are becoming an adult in my opinion. I didn't know any better, and a few of the things that i was lied to about took years to realize wasn't true. Just basic real history or real science for example. I think for me, the idea of Satan as misunderstood and demonized when really he had good attributes is what drawed me in at first; I related to it. But it became more than that as I learned more about various Satanic philosphies. Standing where I do now, it was a good gateway, but *most* forms of Satanism only go so far in terms of what they got to say. I think most sects/groups are a joke or just laughable, but a few stand out as good ones with something relevant and meaningful to say. Bah, I'm ranting now. Too old for my own good. I've lived alone for several years if that indicates anything. The one thing I reget is not taking more risks, ironically.
  3. okay im not exactly new, but I like, was posting here something like 3-5 years ago. I don't really recall much. It's a very dusty part of my mind and it feels so distant. So much has changed, I got better in some ways, but much worse in others. I'm a wreck. And I'm at a make it or break it point I feel like in terms of fixing my life (already messed up trying to fix it last year). Maybe I'm just going crazy lol. Either way, how are yal'll?
  4. edit: ignore, accidently posted same topic twice
  5. Nothing makes me cringe worse than reading stupid stuff I said in the past. Just seeing my level of immaturity, and I thought i was bad now o.0 It's also kind of always cringey when I see some of the stuff I said when I still believed in theism. I kind of take after a more archetypical/pantheistic/atheistic view on religion now since about 2 years ago. I still sometimes using the Satanic symbolism and motifs but not nearly as much and when I do it's got more to do with fighing injustice and championing truth. So I guess more Luciferian. Weird how time will change you. I guess at the time it's what I needed to transition away from all the abuse I endured from Christianity/a couple of local Christian communities in my teens.
  6. Hm interesting. Well from what I gather I have Bipolar II if I even have it (im less sure of having it as time goes on but I was diagnosed with it). Sometimes I think I have something much more mild.
  7. I'm skeptical of that claim that it cuases brain damage, I've never heard that or read that anywhere and my gut says it's a claim made to get people to give the big bucks to doctors faster. I'd need to look that up and see if there is any truth to it. Is there anything you know about the length of cycles and what causes cycles to start?
  8. long time no see for anyone who remembers me here x.x Anyway, the more I learn about Bipolar, the less I feel I know. So, I've been diagnosed with Bipolar in the past, and I'm wondering if it can affect someone's sexual desire, and to what extent. As far as I could tell when my bipolar was 'active' I would build up to a 2-4 day long hypomanic phase, then i would crash into a mild deppression that would slowly go back to 'normal', then up to hypomania again within about 2 weeks. I had that for almost a year last time, then it stopped for half a year, and seems to have started again about a month ago. Also I can only really say I had anything close to a full manic episode maybe only once or twice ever in my life. I don't know, I just don't know. I'm not even sure how much it matters, I just want to know what's going on on a psychological and neurological level so I can better take care of/exploit it.
  9. If you feel like he doesn't appreciate the effort you put you in, and you have not spoken to him about it, perhaps he is just unaware you feel that way? I mean, perhaps he thinks its understood that he appreciates you.
  10. First I'm going to say that I'm not a Christian, that I don't believe in Heaven or Hell, and that I interact with spirits a lot. I have my intellectual doubts about spirits on their own being able to do the things you said, or that it is Satan, however that part is irrelevant I guess. Second, I don't see why no one has responded to this, it's pretty serious. Okay, so I'm going to offer practical advice. Basically, this spirit is able to hurt you becuase at some point you accidently let (I've done the same thing before). However, since you can allow it, you can also disallow it. What you will need to do is assert yourself. Based on what you have said, you probably are not powerful enough to do it on your own authority, so you will need to externalize your desire in a symbol or power, in this case it would be Jesus and/or the Christian god. It's more involved than just that, and I will consult a friend today who more experienced than me on to how to best advise you. I will make the post today or tommorow with more specific instructions. Though I might private message you them to avoid anyone else using them, least they accidently miss-use them and then harm themselves. It doesn't say were people who comitted suicide went, actually. So you can be rest assured that he isn't nessisarily in Hell. Though some traditions claim this or that, it's not actually in the Christian Bible.
  11. I don't see any doctors right now, so it's kind of moot. My worker doesn't seem to want to say much more on it, I tried to give her a coherent list of specifically wrong details. Anyway she's refering me to someone to help me find work as she doesn't think I should go back to college at this time and will adress it later. Though honestly at this time I really don't care. I just want to do something in my area of experience, something physical, then I want to persue my other goals which really don't require college degrees.
  12. What I got from wikipedia was this; Schizotypal personality disorder is a personality disorder characterized by a need for social isolation, anxiety in social situations, odd behavior and thinking, and often unconventional beliefs. People with this disorder feel extreme discomfort with maintaining close relationships with people, and therefore they often do not. They frequently misinterpret situations as being strange or having unusual meaning for them; paranormal and superstitious beliefs are not uncommon. People with this disorder seek medical attention for things such as anxiety, depression, or other symptoms. Schizotypal personality disorder occurs in 3% of the general population and is slightly more common in males.[1]Now I can get how she thought that, but she only interviewed me for an hour through a corrupted lense. Any doctor who knew me for longer would know a lot of this isn't true. First, my anxiety in social situations is only durring confrontations. Second, I am not uncomfortable with close relationships, I actually crave them. I'm just not the best at it due to my bad non-verbal skills. As for "odd and unconvential beliefs" that seems really subjective. What's unconvential in one culture may be the norm in another. An example would be the the tiny tribe in africa that believes in animism (all objects having spirits or souls) versus someone who believes in conservative Christianity, or say the belief that eating meat is a sin as the animal has a soul might be odd in Russia, but it's not in say with some people in India. You get what I'm saying? The ontological and epistemological question of if in my case if the entities I interact with are "real" or not are philosphical and religious ones, not health ones. It's only an issue if it gets in the way of my functioning, but far from it I told her that my practices (including experiences with various entities) have greatly helped me. And at that, it's not like everyday I see a spirit. They are few and far inbetween typically, and take a lot of hard work to even percieve. There has to be a lot of focused intention on my part for me to sense or see them at all.
  13. What I meant was that the diagnosis she gave was based on the discriminatory view that my practices are inherently the result of mental illness and delusional and hallucinatory, despite being done by adherents of major world religions, being practiced by tens if not hundreds of millions, having many ancient holy texts speaking on them, and being done for thousands of years. I told her about meditation and altered states of consciousness, where one can sometimes interact with spirits or receive information about themselves or events… I told her that these things are often highly personal and subjective. I specifically made the claim that I wasn’t saying what I was seeing was real or objective like the table in front of us, and also brought up an ontological point about it not really mattering so long as it helped the person. The fact that she got so much verifiable stuff wrong shows she didn’t listen, which puts her diagnosis in doubt. As for working with the rebahabilition center… I only signed up with them to get help finding a job. If I don’t hear back from my worker I’m just about to say “screw it” and just go back to looking for a job by myself. As for getting back in contact with my worker… she says that she doesn’t think that I’m ready for college but is willing to help me find work… ugh. IDK I’ll figure something out.
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