Hannahbanana

I know this will all sound trivial and self indulgent, but I guess that's how I'm feeling at the moment. So I have not been on here for about a week, mostly because I have been asleep alot, and also as I had been feeling sort of good. I went to the doctors last Monday, and to the "Open Door" team at uni, and saw my tutor later in the week. So I was feeling pretty positive, had taken a lot of steps I should have a long time ago. I even went and bought a pin board and lots of coloured paper and stuff to start making my collage of achievments as I saw somebody suggest on another thread. A week later and I'm feeling pretty low. The pinboard is still in its wrapping, I'm meant to be in a lecture right now, but due to looking horrific at the moment have not been able to convince myself to go out. The open door team at uni were pretty unhelpful, but I have another appointment later today. The woman who will be giving me the sessions listened to me talk about my anxiety and depression for about 20 mins, and then said, almost triumphantly as if she was incredibly probing, that I didn't like myself. Well done her. Hopefully the CBT I'm going to start with the doctors will be more successful because at the moment I feel awful. I've spent the last hour trying on every item of clothing I own in an attempt to make myself look appropriate for the outside world, but no such luck. I've put on about 1/2 stone recently, and it won't shift. I'm short too, so it's pretty noticable. My weight has always gone up and down before, but I've been able to lose it when I've tried, but this time it just won't budge, and I can't stand seeing myself, and it makes the ordeal of being in public so much worse. I've also been sleeping alot. Before I would go through phases of sleeping loads and then not sleeping much at all, but in the last couple of weeks my sleeping has got really regular, but I'm sleeping for ages. I go to bed at about half six in the evening, and sleep through unitl eight, or later if I don't have to be anywhere. Had a row with my boyfrined last night, not really a row, but a falling out, and he left without speaking to me this morning. I feel really alone; he's the only person in my life on a daily basis and he won't even return my texts. He even said he doesn't know why he's with me, and I'm scared he might have meant it. If he leaves me I'll have nobody. Well I suppose I should go back to trying to find something to wear; I've got to leave for my appointment soon, shouldn't miss that too.

So I'm feeling alot more positive than two days ago before I joined. Feeling the benefits of seeing that others out there have the same problems, and of getting some of my feelings out for the first time in ages. It's amazing how some days a cup of tea in bed and a few kind words from strangers can make you feel better than you have in months, and on other days dropping a pen can make you burst into tears. I read a post earlier suggesting keeping a list or a pinboard to recognise all the positive things, however small, that happen in the day to try and stop focusing only on the negative, and I'm defo going to start that tomorrow. Plus I enjoy doing sticking and pasting, childish sort or art things. I'm an artist who can't paint or draw so it'll be an outlet for me. I'm also going to email my tutor before I go t bed to arrange a meeting where I will finally get round to explaining my problems, and I'm going to hand in the second part of my doctors' registration form as i have a big gap between lectures. Thanks everyone who has spoken to me so far x

Please take this apart! It's a worry that plagues and is only reinforced by the fact I have none anymore. I think if I could make some my depression and anxiety would be reduced somewhat asI'd have more positive interaction with people, and more opportunities to get out and about. Thanks

Well I thought I should post something here to get this started. I'm new to blogging so don't know what exactly people use them for, but I guess this will be a place I will write my musings on anything that is on my mind, and write about my situation and it's progression. I may also use it to write down some goals or targets for myself in a bid to improve my mental health, and anyone who reads should feel free to offer any suggestions they have. I like to think I'm always open to new ideas, although that's most probably not the case, maybe some good suggestions will open my mind, we'll see if anyone bothers to read I suppose. I guess this is a kind of diary then, so if the past is a guide to the future I probably won't keep it up, but I'll try as posting on the forums has already helped me organise my thoughts a little, and I need to do something right now. Well, tomorrow is my first day back at uni after the break. I was meant to be in last week to do exams but never made it, I panicked and so missed the first, and didn't even get out of the house for the second on thursday. In college I had arrangments made so that I took exams in a room with at most 3 or 4 other people because I get extremely anxious in crowds, especially of people my own age, or teenagers. However I failed to make the same arrangments at uni, not sure if I thought I could handle it this time, or if I was just too worried to approach the relevant staff, but I didn't. And now I have to explain that I missed the exams, and why, and I'm worried they (the uni) are going to think I'm making it up as an excuse, and as a way of securing lenient treatment. There is little documentaition of my depression and anxiety. I went to the doctors a while after it all began, when I was about 13. I was signed off school at 15 and given tutoring, and prescribed propananol, temazepam and citalopram at different times, but nothing in the last 3 or 4 years. I found medication didn't really help, and I took a number of overdoses so decided it was better to stay off them. I did have counselling at college, but I don't know if they will/can provide evidence for uni...? I guess I just have bite the bullet and go to the doctors here with whom I just registered and hope they don't think I'm exagerating, or don't really have a problem. Also, with a new term comes a new timetable, and that means going into parts of the campus I've never been in before. This is something else which scares me. I terrified of getting lost and being late. I can never enter a room or appointment if I'm late. So tomorrow's a big day for me. I have really enjoyed the holidays, probably for the wrong reasons. I have just been sitting around my flat, doing very little andeating too much without worrying about having places to go, or having to interact with people, but that luxury is now over and it's back to the real, scary, world. I just hope I make it in to my lectures. That's step one, and for now that's enough for me to be happy to acheive.