Leo1954

JaiJai That is how my mom was but for some reason she later turned violent. I kept telling them something else is going on but, of course since they were Drs. [yeah OK!] they knew everything I demanded a CT scan and lo & behold she also had a stroke [DUH] when they told me I smiled and said forgot to tell you idiots that I worked as a Trauma nurse for along time [not now] and I also know my mother and she wouldn't act the way she did just because she was bored. I also went along with what you were saying about your mom as time went on they do regress back to when they were growing up she called me her mom. It hurts so bad because I also feel like a mom to my mom. But I won't let her go on her own starving or being alone. I just want her to be comfortable and have her dignity which I sometimes worry about I still worry bad what is going on in there [ nursing home] when I am not there because sadly I have had to raise hell. Finally administration got involved when I had to threaten. Now haha kissing my ass which I thoroughly enjoy it's my mom she is paying for them to take care of her not their pockets!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Haven't been on here in along time my mother has Alzheimers she is now on her last stage I had to have a feeding tube inserted because she was literally starving to death she had quit swallowing usually this is the last stage. I know she is going but, I wil be damned if she is going to starve to death. When the person is ready ONLY that person can do that and will go on their own. I'm not ashamed at all to speak about my mother having this dreaded disease. My mother never did drugs, drank, or smoked in her life. She just turned 80 nobody knows what is going on with their thinling process she can hear she also will scream when somebody talks to her and she follows with her eyes. Any of us can get this and I don't give a damn who or what you do anybody is at risk. I am a perfect candidate. But I'm not going to sit on my ass and worry about it. If it happens what am I suppose to do about it not a damn thing. There is a big Christian Person with a University down here he has been all over the new everywhere because he made a remark if your spouse has Alzheimers get a divorce because you are married to the walking dead. That is just a good ole boy asshole I hope one of his loved ones get it and make the same remark to him. It probably sounds like I'm a bitter b---- but HEY I AM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am finally getting through to my new therapist. She finally understood that she had no idea what I am all about. been through hell through almost the whole month of August. But slowly and surely will have a comeback in life. The only thing is my meds. so many and then she changes them again sleeping med. she put me on with clonipin is risperidal but the latter is keeping me awake surprise-surprise hell that's me of course backwards. On all new stuff [some] during day. Just keeping busy re-doing my house the way I want really just keeping secluded but, at least living the best way I can to keep sanity!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I love the picture it is sooooo cuteeeee. I just am getting like I just live day to day hr. by hr. second to second. I know life is a bitch but it's as the saying goes I guess it's what you want out of it and how to make it. Well been here done it and seriously over it. Therapist I jumped her shit because she acts like she knows me and I told her what I was about some but I had a serious bad attitude. I want a break from everything but yeah when in this life will that happen?? Take care Sue [[[HUGS]]]

I'm trying to think what went wrong. What is Life just to exist? It's not a pity party but I wonder why why & what the hell is it for. No trusting pushing new meds. Trying to deal with new therapist which I gave her an attitude Wednesday. Why is my mind just not working anymore as I want it. Very secluded want to enter the other part that I am but can't it won't let me. Probably because there is no soul to come back to. Because it was taken and gone never to return

IrmaJean I was just reading this post and realized maybe that is what is going on with me in the past month. I have secluded myself because I am having triggers that are taking me over to the point that I have to crawl into my own mind and shut it down. When something I see that triggers a memory or thought that I remember this is the only way I now can handle. I haven't had it this bad in about 3 to 4 yrs. I have no idea how to handle it anymore there is more now than ever. As you know I'm not much on here and probably one of the reasons is that I can't even know how to reply because I'm afraid of triggering somebody else. I am having a very diffucult time for the last month and have no idea what is going to happen. I am on here reading posts. I applaud everybody on expressing how they feel and maybe soon as I can get more control on how to handle mine I can also express how I can manage my triggers.

I called my therapist yesterday. Suppose to call back today. I'm kinda pissed at myself shouldn't need her. Should decide on my own what I should do. Do not like Celexa feel to sedated changed it to nite then having hard time waking up. SHIT!!!!!

I at this time can just read what you are saying now if I can let things just go it would be nice but, that isn't going to happen. There is only so much anymore I can take. That's why it's hard and I mean very hard right now for me to handle disappointment anymore had to much in my life and see no end to it. So why try anymore?????????

Yeah I better wait to call her Monday because as angry & depressed as I am I don't know what I would say nice or not. Better off to cool down which I'm pretty pissed off so who knows when that will be

I was suppose to see her at 10:30 she was still in with a patient until the time she came out and got me didn't say why no nothing. So I'm thinking of calling her today and say to her what I feel she either likes it or don't how can you tell somebody what to do if you don't even know the person what is wrong with the person. So we shall see!!!!!!!!!!

When you have got to the point where nothing you say or feels matters anymore you know that you are at the end. I'm thrilled my daughter is in remission so that again I have something to be greatful for. But I feel now that she is better that I now can go my merry way on letting go. I don't think that my life is going nowhere but exisiting day to day like I'm sure alot of people are the same way but, I have gone on to long feeling this way and it's to the breaking point where what is the purpose? My daughter is still disabled all her life but the major hurdle is over hopefully. I just can't do anything but cry or be so angry that I don't care what I say or who I hurt. The new therapist I saw for maybe 15 minutes is saying do this and do that has no idea what or who I'm about. No concept on how much money I make she thinks anybody can do anything no matter what the cost. Sorry to say wasn't impressed for the first visit not even able to say a damn thing! I hate this crap.

Why should we care not everybody but, I am one of them I am so tired of pain family really my daughter. Then to hear people just dying so innnocent. I'm not sure if I'm angry or sick of being here if I had one thing to bring back I would of never had children. Not that I don't love them but, you can't love something you never had. I see my new therapist & psych this Thurs. the 7th it's going to be interesting especially when I say I want out of this state she already knows that I have said it and she has told me if there is a will there's a way. I would really just like to give me and my daughter a new start in life she deserves it and now I realize so do I. I have never had a life without taking care of somebody that is why I say I haven't no time for myself not to go anywhere just be by myself. For once in my life at least before I die I would enjoy having a life even if it means having my daughter with me. With what she has been through & still going to have to go through the rest of her life she would like to be happy and stay away from Drs. for a while we want out like yesterday and like now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I appreciate ya'll halping me I know & I believe this soon will pass. I have so much trust issues that it is unbelieveable it started from childhood into adulthood preferably when my first therapist went behind my back and telling my husband everything we talked about especially at that time I was in the hospital. I have a witness that was there and heard her tell him. Plus he was calling him at my home even told my daughter that if she told me she would make sure that she would not see me again for along time. This happened in 2005 and continued until 2008. I didn't find out until 2009. So now I'm very leary. I start with a new practice for good [i hope] July 7th. This last practice was weird they believed praying would solve my problems. I just saw the med. Dr. for meds because the new practice said get them until you get in here. So that's all I can say is we'll see!!!!!!!!!!

Been on here today & a little bit yesterday. I think that everyone on here that I read posts replies & everything else, are very intelligent and very intuitive people. It to me is more rewarding to me to listen and read. It doesn't make my problems go away but I have really met some people on here that I wish I could reach out & touch [good way] I of course have not been on here much lately but pm some that have helped me & I also am there for them. I'm not pissed off anymore it's that my mind is really off track on concentrating or doing anything that is worth doing. But I do enjoy being on this community & I don't feel so alone with some but it's hard right now because of past issues not because of some smartas response because I do have couth but, I have issues with trust and I do not like people judging other people and I'll be damn if someone judges my feelings saying that the are inappropriate when I was talking about myself not anybody else dammit myself!!!!!!!!!!! So I have now got to get over it!!!!!!!!!