rubies

Hello Everyone! I'm curious if some of you can relate to what I'm experiencing now. I feel like I'm vanishing. I feel like I'm being erased, I can't find the self I think I was in the past. I have difficulties with talking because I don't have much thoughts and ideas. In the past I was told that I can write well and now I hardly can write my assignments. In the meantime I was diagnosed with hebephrenia, is this a tipical sysmptom? Does anyone else know this feeling? I also experience this on an other level because it disturbs me so much. Today I felt like human like figures were encircling me and I felt that they are responsible for my vanished parts. I feel like there were a part in me which is responsible for my self-harming behaviour and also for this horrible feeling which resembles to being robbed. I don't think of it as an other person but I think of it as something other than me sometimes. Can you relate to this? Have a nice day!

thank you so much Ralph!

i don't know what to think or do, i'm scared, sorry, this is just a cry out, because i can't think and but i'm living so i don't know what to do, my body is unfamiliar, i know that i'm responsible for it but i don't know how to live, what i should do, all i can think of is that i don't know what a person should do, i'm just so so so apart from everything, i see pictures of this body rotting and i know that it sure will come but i don't know what i should do until then, i don't want to die at all, it's just that i'm so apart from everything, i am shaking and until now i had this unbearable feeling of nothingness (?sorry, i don't know if there's a word for that sorry) so now i'm typing and it's so strange that words come to me because i have no idea of anything, typing kinda ties me to this body or i don't know, i start to feel this overwhelming thing, i don't know what this is, i'm shaking, i don't know i'm so apart yet i can't express it because all we have is these words that i still can use, oh i don't know how to express this but i'm in a kind of panic of my own existence, i repeat i'm not suicidal, i don't feel anything related to experiences or anything, all is wiped, i have memories and things and it's strange that i have but i'm in horror of my existence, in horror of that my body is apart from me and there is a part which i can't even name, sorry, i just couldn't bear this, i had to express somehow, if i stop typing i don't know what to do, i start shaking i don't know but i can't find more words i could only repeat myself, sorry sorry, i just had to express

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