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rocket

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  • Birthday 08/24/1961

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  1. This is such an important question -- how to move back enough to allow a relationship some space so that you don't smother yourself or your loved one, rather than simply retreating and withdrawing. Sometimes you have to reatreat/withdraw for a while because of the intensity of your emotions. But that does not have to be permanent. I tend to withdraw violently in a way that must feel like abandonment to my daughter, only because I don't heed the signs and back up when I should. I am working on this and it helps to know that others are too. Backing away does not mean you cannot say "I am backing away because I need to take some time to reflect and to give you some time to reflect too." I have always and will always love you, but things need to change. I want you to take care of yourself and do what is necessary for you to do so that you can have a satisfying life and I also wish to live a satisfying life as well, and I want our relationship to improve and grow but that can only happen if each of us take care of ourselves.
  2. Thanks, Iwantkandee. I like your suggestions. Working on remaining calm and not throwing everything together into one big panick is probably the best foundation for everything. Considering appropriate responses and then following up on calmly rather than reacting in anger -- this is something I need to work on. I like the basket idea. Seeing a very good therapist is helping me to take care of me in this period of time. I have some hope. My daughter agreed to go to a family counselor with me, one recommended by my therapist. This therapist has lots of experience with bipolar, has been supervisor of family unit at our mental health center, and I am hoping she will skillfully guide us toward better communication and perhaps guide my daughter toward some kind of treatment plan. Maybe my daughter is starting to be ready to listen and seek help. But if not, I want to continue with my own healing and I hope to soon get back into some art projects for me. When I am anxiouss about her all the time I am not living my own life at all and I realize that it does not help her anyway!
  3. Mscat: Thank you for the gentle yet firm advice. This is good common sense. That is a good model for what I need to be with her -- gentle but firm, and in touch with my common sense, which I normally have plenty of but it seems to fly out the window where she is concerned. Many thanks.
  4. Just hoping for some wisdom, encouragement, event humor -- having my adult daughter living with me again, bipolar or not, is frustrating and maddening. She is not being a good house mate or guest. She does not clean up after herself enough, eats peanut butter and jelly straight out of the jar (MY jar), puts food from her plate that's been sitting out for hours back in the community pot. A mess in the bathroom. Uses my lotion/sunscreen and does not put lid back on....leaves dirty dishes in sink. It is driving me mad. Because of her bipolar ultra sensitivity...depression....defensiveness....anger....anything I bring up with her flares up into a major traumatic encounter, about how everyone blames her for things and she does not feel welcome. This works like magic on me...and I back down. Or I feel petty for bringing these things up. She is up late watching TV and I end up going to my room and going to bed early just to be alone...I feel like a guest in my own house. I feel manipulated and angry. I would rather have her live with me than out on the streets and I am glad for her progress -- not drinking, holding down a full time job, coming home every night. But she is not in therapy and not on meds, and there are signs that she is drifting back to the same drinking and drugging crowd that she was with for years before she ended up in the hospital.. I do not see her making recovery her priority -- if she was seeing a therapist/counselor and going to at least one support group per week...but she is doing neither. I realize I can't judge her progress...everyone has their own process and path...so I must focus on what I CAN change....and what IS my business...and that would be the household stuff. I swore to myself that I would not get timid and let her take over when she asked to move back in. I laid out some very minimal rules including cleaning up after herself and she is always pushing the rules, testing me. I know I fail the test...she knows from a lifetime of being my daughter that I am afraid of confrontation. I simply avoid things and let the rage build up inside. I learned this from my own parents' failure to communicate well and failure to be role models in that area. Can anyone give me some advice and guidance that will help me to keep in mind so that I can change this pattern in our relationship? I have made a lot of progress myself...don't get me wrong...but I have a lot of room for improvement and I would like to feel more comfortable and in charge in my own house.
  5. Thank you so much for speaking out to the "not polars" to give us some insight. I have 27 year old daughter who I enabled all her life by not allowing her to take responsibility and have normal consequences and healthy boundaries...I always padded reality for her, and I feel responsible for the way her bipolar developed, as I do think that there is some genetic factor and also some experiential/conditioning factor from your upbringing. It sure did not help her. She has moved home after a couple of years of some not very healthy living abusing RX meds and alcohol, needed to go to hospital for a few days, and came to live with me after agreeing to my rules for now...that she be home every night by 8 and no visitor. I did that to set some boundaries for my own health and it was so hard for me to do given how enabling I am and how afraid I have been of confrontation with her. To my surprise, she responded well to those conditions and is following the rules, but now I want more!! She is refusing to get treatment, working full time which is great, I'm proud of her, but without treatment I am afraid she will move out soon as she has enough money saved and go back with the friends she drank and abused with.... I cannot control her, I dont' want to, but I love her. I am afraid she will kill herself one way or another if she does not get treatment. Her therapist will not see her anymore unless she is in a treatment program..the crisis she came to was too serious and the therapist decided to set limits, I guess, but my daughter is not heeding that advice. Living together is very stressful!!! Any attempt to talk about issues/boundaries results in a terrible rageful or very hurt/suicidal reaction. What can I do? Should I insist on treatment as a condition for continuing to live with me? I want her to experience support groups which she has never done, I think it would be great for her. I have been stressed nonstop by her moving back in -- there are many stressors for us both..but I am glad she is alive and not drinking. Thanks to everyone for any support and feedback you might offer.
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