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Willpower

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Willpower last won the day on December 16 2012

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About Willpower

  • Birthday 05/28/1981

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  1. So folks, it's been (almost) a year. Today was just a good day for me to post this, and it's been on my todo list so I decided to knock this one out. For the last several (2 or 3) years before I decided to make this change, and told this forum along side my very few friends (only one I knew in real life) and random online strangers and relatives, my main problem was behavioral. I wasn't suffering extreme anxiety quite like I had been. The reason I didn't go out is because I was used to staying inside (sometimes literally not leaving the house for years on end). Then about 350-ish days ago I decided all at once to make the change. There was a little build up to the events. I had been running a website, had made a really great online friend that was telling me about the stuff I was missing, but in positive and non-exhausted way. Things were just falling together in some subtle way. Ever since that day not a single day has gone by where I didn't make some effort in one way or another (physical, actually doing stuff, or occasionally just aggressively trying to sort out my mental problems). I literally went outside that day (for the first time in months if not years) and took a walk, and then again the next day, and the next, and so on. I started eating right, I started planning to getting a driver's license. Right off the bat I knew I needed more friends, and better friends. At first I started trying to tackle that problem online through social networks like Twitter. Little did I know how valuable that'd be. I met the very best friend I've ever had in my life by 'stalking' girls to talk to on Twitter. I messaged this girl because we were both gonna be at the same place, and miracles upon miracles we met up. I just saw her, said hi, didn't talk much and left, but that was enough. Well, I'd created a list of all my accomplishments / firsts in the last year, and I'll list em here. Yeah, maybe this post is more for me, I know what I've done, this is me patting myself on my own back, BUT it also shows what someone can do when they really fight hard with every part of themselves! I considered myself the very lowest, the very most pathetic place you could be. People that played D&D in their mothers' basement would point at me and say "at least I'm nowhere near as bad as that guy" (figuratively, but it could have literally happened if I wasn't hiding indoors literally all the time). Anyways, here's the list of firsts: 1st time driving a car by myself, first license, first time driving places (3+ hours, hundreds of miles, inside urban areas, etc). I've visited 3 major cities for various reasons on my own. Utterly terrifying to trivial within a very short amount of time. Some city streets still make me a bit nervous though. 1st time I'd tried alcohol (this was actually one of the things my online friend was bugging me about). The first drink I had was offered to me by a girl, and I knew I wanted to try it by then. Since then I've tried a lot of different drinks. I've decided I still don't like alcohol, but at least now I know all the reasons why. 1st times regarding girls: first female friends, first date of my life (actually dated 10 different girls this year), first time holding hands, making out, different kinds of sex. First time at a girl's place, first time sleeping with one, cuddling, first time for a girl on my bed, girl in my room, blah blah blah. Dated utterly beautiful girls, smart girls, interesting girls, and ones I didn't care much for. Zero to quite successful with multiple girls within a year, and things are looking quite good for the near future still. (specifically trying to find one I really want a relationship with, and not settling at all. Dream girls only.) 1st times at events: my first 'loud' concerts, that is to say not orchestras, but high volume intense music like techno. my first Renn Faire, my first geek convention. First time having a hotel room by myself. Weight loss: I lost over 140 lbs this year and I'm now within 20 or so pounds of what my doctor says my 'ideal' weight is. This is the first time I've ever been skinny in my life. Exercise: I'm jogging the fastest miles in my life by MINUTES, I'm going further and faster than I ever imagined possible. Also weight lifting, gym membership, blah blah. Anyways, there's obviously a lot of small things like going to the store by myself to buy my own clothes, having my own money account, having some success on Youtube, meeting those D&D friends, hell, even the first time I've stayed overnight at a friend's place... Where do I go from here? I still want to get my writing published, it's good but not where I'm satisfied yet. I want to go back to school. I want to find that relationship I'm looking for. I want to continue to enjoy my life and do various things. I want to help others. I want to become quite fit, maybe even take up a sport. And obviously a big one is I want to move out. It's impossible to deny some of the advantages I've had through all this. My family is extraordinarily lucky in that we have the money to support me and none of us work, especially. I know most people don't have anywhere near that stroke of luck from the start. Well, I don't know what else to say. It's a beautiful day out and I'm going to take a walk (as always). I've got fun plans this weekend with a friend and a girl I'm dating. I'm just one person whose mental problems completely isolated me from the world. Once the worst symptoms were over I seized every opportunity I could because I knew I probably wouldn't have another chance. There have been a lot of hard times of all different kinds since I started, but I knew that never giving up was key, now that there was any hope at all. The key in life is seizing those opportunities and never ever letting fear hold you back. Fear is one of the most useless things in the modern world. We don't have tigers crawling on buildings. There isn't constant firefights outside going on unless you live in a very particular part of the world. When you have an opportunity don't be afraid of feeling bad because you failed, because you will fail. But in time, if you keep getting back up for more, you will master it, whatever it is.
  2. I'm not a furry myself but I have a male friend who is. Personally I think this is one of those things that is almost a complete non-issue. If it doesn't interfere with your life, it's not a problem. It's fantasy, and I know I've had all kinds of messed up fantasies that I wouldn't want to live in real life, if they were even literally possible. But I do have one similar thing. I was always attracted to cartoon characters too, at as young as 6 years old. Then I got into Japanese anime. But hey, that stuff is really popular and I even know several girls who are into the same stuff now (hentai). It kind of blew me away. It's interesting that Sonic seemed to be the gateway for so many furries. I noticed this before I even knew anything about furries. I just never felt that way about Sonic or any of the other characters, but I still enjoy the games, even the new ones, lol. I mean, you do get that furries are pretty 'popular' too, right? There's a lot of you all out there. Some people will give you a hard time over it, but most non-mainstream fetishes will get you a hard time if you just tell anyone.
  3. Yeah, you're gonna have to relax I think. Probably will take time. Can you cuddle more or something to work your way up. I'm pretty inexperienced but I almost have the opposite problem, I get an erection even at cuddling, which is fine most of the time I guess.
  4. Are you physically attracted to her? Be completely honest. Do you have these problems with masturbation? Have you masturbated a lot lately? If you're attracted and you haven't masturbated a whole lot lately it's probably nerves. With practice I think you'll relax. It's good that she's understanding.
  5. Thank you! Yeah, this is me coming off the tail end of my real problems and picking up the pieces afterwards. It really has been wonderful.
  6. I have plans tomorrow so I can't write out the most elaborate topic this thread deserves but if anyone comments or has questions I can add stuff in. So it 'finally' happened for me last night. As of a few days ago I knew it was going to happen immanently. I've had a lot of dates lined up with girls that are really into me. We were going to meet next week but I had the free time so I asked her if she was busy and she wasn't so I moved the date up. As a virgin you really don't get how utterly inconsequential sex and being a virgin really is. My friends told me this and I knew that was correct but I didn't actually feel that way. Now I'm on the other side and I see it. I was an actual fool a lot of the time. You can think 'oh but you've had sex, of course it doesn't matter' but it really doesn't. I've had to catch myself calling myself a virgin still already several times. The only thing that feels different is how it's going to take a long time to reprogram my mind with the new experience of how unimportant being a virgin actually was. If I knew what I know now I wouldn't have cared if I lived my entire life a virgin. The sex was good, it felt good, but the virgin status was really a much bigger deal in my head than it should have been.
  7. So yeah, I created this username because willpower is what I felt I 'needed', but really it's a vague term. But I know that once I believed I could and I said to myself I was willing to endure ANYTHING as long as it lead my directly to my goals I would do it and I did and it has. It's not just a matter of saying 'I should be stronger', but you really have to feel it. At times I used my anger or sadness to push myself, at other times I used happiness. I channeled all my emotions into my change and drove myself as much as I could (that is to say I always did everything I could that was understood to be GOOD, example on the topic of weight loss I didn't starve myself, I ate well). Right now I believe my willpower is infinite. Just in an artistic / expressive sense it feels like a universe-warping power that flows out from me like some sort of pulsar star. Not being manic and I know I have limits but my willpower itself feels flawless. It's probably this belief that does make me so strong. I absolutely know that any and every other person can also experience this. Yes there IS limits to what a human can do, things you can't change, things you can't control, but you work with what you can. That's what strength is. I believe that BELIEF is actually the most powerful thing in the world. Confidence, willpower, hope. These are the most important things, and you CAN change them to something that seems almost impossible and then achieve that almost impossible thing. Change what you believe, take action, stick with it, you WILL succeed.
  8. My opinion is that happiness is a choice once you get within an ear's shot of contentment. You don't have to have cleared up EVERYTHING, but you do have to have nearly everything in its place. I spent at least 15 years so far away from happiness mentally, physically, and socially that there could be no choice. Sometimes I was happy anyways, but I couldn't maintain a happy state for very long at all, and often it was clouded by other things in the back of my mind. These last 8 months where I've finally come within REACH of being able to take control of my life has shifted me to a position where I can make a conscious effort to be happy. Now I can dwell on female friends of mine getting fucked by their boyfriends (well, only one of them I could say I'm actually jealous of), or I can think about a date I have planned and with the momentum I'm reaching I probably can even do better. If I'm feeling really bad I can think about the last girl I dated and how I didn't want to give up my virginity to her. Anyways the point is I spent a long time a LONG ways away from being able to CHOOSE to be happy, you will know when you're within range of that choice, but it's true you can spend a lot of time without a choice. Hell, depression wouldn't be classified as a disability and all that if there was a choice. You can get to a point where nothing you do 'inside your head' will help, and for me meds didn't even help. It took time and baby steps.
  9. Things have been great for me, and I'm on the cusp of a lot of fantastic advancements towards my goals. A bunch of other things may be happening exceptionally soon (and far sooner than I expected). Either way things are very positive. Probably gonna wait until the end of October to fill everyone in on the meat of recent happenings. edit - glanced through my original post on the forums and one thing in particular has defied my expectations. Through losing weight I've lost a lot of fat in my face especially, and now some girls (and an occasional guy, I don't swing that way) have called me cute, attractive, a babe and so on. So now I'm looking at my face in the mirror and I'm starting to think even my face may actually be attractive.
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