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Theguynextdoor

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About Theguynextdoor

  • Birthday 05/05/1988

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  1. Waking up in the morning so routine like. The turning on the lights to turning on the water to get hot. He stares into the mirror and his releftion stares back into at him. A grown man with stubble on his face his cold blue eyes bloodshot from the restless nights of no sleep. The smooth lather of the shaveing cream as he coats a thin layer onto his face the cold feel of the razor as it eliminates the stubble from his scarred up face. He lets out a sharp sigh as he begins to dress to himself ever so neatly taking great care and pride in his uniform. He checks once more in the mirror to make sure everything is perfect looking up and down right to left. The words U.S Army on his left and a name on the right. His day seems unreal as if he is walking though a dream..reality seems to be lost to him. Before he knows it the flag goes off and it is time to go home..home to a empty house. The clouds overhead hung low on this day and a cold autumn rain fell from them. Safe and sound in his own home once more he begins to drift into his own thoughts...but he does not like these thoughts no. Going to shelf in the dining room resting is an old friend of his he knows with this friend he can numb all the pain he feels a but dusty and well aged but it gets the job done. Sitting in his favorite chair he begins to reflect on his self, his lack of motivation..his need to hide away from others hardly ever leaving home for being alone it was..well safe no one to judge him or to yell at him no one at all. Finishing the last sip of drink he drifts off into a slumber...to await another day another day of empty feelings and lack of self confidence another day of being..well just being himself.
  2. Late night something unique happened to me. I heard a knock at the door, it seemed all most unreal for I had not had a visitor in weeks. I answered the door, it was a female it took me a little to recognize who she was. Turns out she my old high school crush, (We dated for close to a year back then). She took one look at me and knew something was not right, well she would have to be blind not notice how I looked or held my disposition. I asked her kindly to leave, she ignore me and kindly forced her self in? I suppose that is how I would describe it. She kept on insisting that we talk, she was pretty presistant about it. About 2hrs later and much resistant and bitterness later I broke down and spilled my guts to her, I..cried although I did not want to, I asked her if she thought I was weak, She simply flashed me a smile, it felt warm to look at, I looked into her steel blue eyes, I saw my own reflection in her puplies, how horrid I looked, Lost weight, hair a mess, looking like a street bum. She simply just hugged me, I tried to pull away but she squeezed harder and would not let me go. It had seem human touch was like a plaug on my body, it seemed to burn a bit, at the same time it just felt good, I could feel her raw emotions, I felt in my heart she really cared for me. A smile broke out across my face, was it possible that I was..dare I say happy, what seemed like years trapped in the prison of my own emotions was she the key to release me from it all? We talked for a bit more, and little by little it seemed my bitterness and self loathing began to fade away. She made me shower, and shave, well more like she ordered me to. As I began to shower it seems like the water as it cascaded over my body seemed to wash away what was left of the negative emotions that was festering inside of me still. As I shaved, with each stroke of the razor across my face I began to look...and feel kinda like my old self once more, I dressed my self nice afters. Then we went out for a nice dinner...it was nice the world seemed to be a bit brighter, the smells of the food, sweeter, it was like I was reborn a new man.
  3. Easy for you to say, the thoughts are still there but at least self mutilation and alchoile is helping to suppresses them. I look like trash right now, havent shaved in a week nor do I care any more. The darkness is my friend, I just lay here most of the time lost in my own world....hate...
  4. I am trying to fight off these thoughts, but they just keep on coming back nagging me.... And then I think of how easy it would be to finish my self off, how simple and quick. No one would know where I am at I would die alone, as for am i now. Alone a by my self. The temptation of a premature death is getting harder to ignore, but who can I trust? A "professional" they will just label me crazy, but a mark in my records and send me off to be studied like some kinda lab rat at a mental ward. I saw her face today in my dreams the pain redefined, Anger, sorrow, a cocktail of emotions paying tricks on my mind. The voice of realife called to me, he is not some one I want to listen to, his sweet words are laced with hate and pain, but then again why do they seem so logical. If I am in pain and suffering why not end it, like a wounded animal just bury one in my skull.
  5. As of right now just this bottle of rum, it numbs my emotions and makes me feel good.
  6. I can not take it any more...I try and try.... Ending my own life sounds real great right about now, I even thought of some ways I would do it, the mental image beckons to me, whispering sweet words of relief and peace into my mind. I work hard, showed all my love and dedication to one women and one only and how am I replayed? Laid off from work, and she cheated on me three times. Life is not worth living when it is this hard, the crooks and mean spited people have it easy but I suppose the good hearted people just get shit on. The world would not miss some one like me NO ONE CARES. Family nope, friends, ex'es no one....I have no one I know what it feels like to be truly alone to hit that rock bottom, I am nothing more then a bottom feeder now, sucking off the scraps of others to survive, a burden to the very essences of life its self. I cry most of the time now, my eyes burn from the tears of my shame..of what I have become and what I use to be. Funny to think..what I use to be. A man of respect and honor, now look at me spilling my guts over the internet to even more people who do not care...why waste the time why...just why...
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