frazzled1

Ralph posted: The purpose of my denial was fear of being treated badly. Then the problem would be fear, would it not? The only way to change the truth (of any situation), is to accept and face it. To deny that you drank or how much you drank is to do it again and again until you can stand up and say, "I am Ralph and my drinking affects my life." There is both pain and beauty in the truth but acceptance is the key to deciding which you will observe. Keep trying Ralph. I believe in you

You are so wise and entertaining mal. You are a Beetle in a box or maybe that's me! LOL

I love your stories mal

Sad, I hope you will relax more with time also. You must be careful with your own attitude as well as that of other's. Certain character traits attract each other and you want to be mindful of what you are attracting-what kind of signals you are sending. I have a codependent personality and often my need to help others leads me to some pretty shady people who only want someone to use. I question myself frequently about all of my r/s. Sometimes it help and sometimes it doesn't but I have an awesome circle of friends and family that help me to see things from the outside. Do you have supportive people?

sadgreeneyes, it sounds as though you need a deep breath. Perhaps you are so intently looking for someone who is NOT your ex-husband that you are over scrutinizing this new bf in your life. How long have you been divorced? I am sorry you are having such a rough go at the new r/s. Do you have anyone to talk to? Have you ever thought about therapy?

IJ, I am easily soothed. I like the Sun, wind, rain, rainbows. My dog, my cats, the squirrels that run around the yard and trees, watching the fish in the tank, I also like pudding, brownies, cake, yogurt, clothes fresh from the dryer. I thought it was strange (maybe not so much), I like facts too. When I had each of my children, almost died, my house burned down and I saw my granddaughter born I recited facts to myself to stay calm.

I'm so happy for you Ralph. I agree that it will be a good experiment. Just remember there are always other factors that can cause or add to your feelings of isolation. There is no day of the week that makes me feel a little lonely but a particular frame a mind. What does a normal saturday consist of that you might be missing?

DD, I couldn't find anything either. She is a psychotherapist who lives in Palo Alto CA. She has a facebook page and a linkedin profile. I would like to know more though if you do find any more.

This was a really interesting read for me and I just thought I would share http://web.mit.edu/comm-forum/mit4/papers/Kiernan.pdf

Thanks for your concern and support DD. My mom is getting help from a church friend to get what he needs. As for living with him and caring about people...I think I may have a dependence on standards but only my own. I do pride myself on my kindness and compassion and try to hold myself to it no matter the person or situation I am faced with. Let others own their actions as I own mine. It is nice to know that you care DD. Thank you

Nearest one is over 30 minutes away and I don't have a car. I don't mind asking for a ride up the road but a 30 min. drive is more than up the road and then there is the time of the meeting...another 30 minutes to an hour?

He won't stick to anything. As far as counseling for me for the frustration of living with him, there are no services that are not a battered women's thing and I have been there done that (only for my previous relationship). He does have addiction issues but you can't get someone help who won't admit that they have a problem-the lies or the drugs.

DD, I'd like to say that I protect myself against the re-write but everyone causes them to some degree. Exchanging information is supposed to help you gain a new perspective. I do however listen carefully for words that trigger a forceful re-write such as always, never, all, only, and of course the many "you" statements that he makes. I know me and don't need a blow by blow report of my past thoughts feelings and behaviors. I guess I kinda quit listening at these points. I have tried to look at the situation professionally but he says I am psychologizing him and he's not gonna have it!

Thank you DD. I really do need all the support I can get. I guess the need to know why, the need to understand is a defense mechanism. I think that forgiveness with continued contact requires these answers. I have forgiven people the most heinous of acts but they were either 1 time acts or 1 time people (meaning I did not keep them in my life). My divorce was due to the fact that I could not continue to forgive the man for the same repeated behavior toward me and still live with him. It might seem that this is a similar situation but 1 my ex husband was physically abusive and 2 my ex had no mental disorder (although, I am beginning to think that being human is somewhat of a mental disorder). I kind of think too that this one (like a good sociopath), begs my sympathy. He knows how to push the right buttons and make me feel bad about chiding him for something. He is also well adept at changing the subject, shifting blame, twisting logic, twisting the words of others and talking in general. He reminds me of a stereotypical used car salesman. Only he is selling me my own mind with his re-write!

Our son still does not have new clothes for school and only half the required supplies!