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Mr. Encyclopedia

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Mr. Encyclopedia last won the day on March 21 2012

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About Mr. Encyclopedia

  • Birthday 02/21/1991

Profile Information

  • Biography
    Diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome

Converted

  • Location
    Canada
  • Interests
    Area Studies; Geography; Political Science; Chess; Photography; Spiders; Maps; Buses
  • Occupation
    Unemployed

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  1. Thank you for such a supportive and kind post, IrmaJean . It is uncommon for me to be able to discuss this subject online within a respectful environment. To be honest I have little experience seeing or being around others that are in relationships based on trust and respect regardless of the kind of relationship. Interpersonal relationships have always seemed abusive and all about power and selfishness to me. I’ve seen so few, if any, relationships between adults that didn’t fit this description. My parents certainly did not seem loving to me. They insulted, beat, and abused each other all the time, and my extended family is not much different. Relationships have always seemed like dictatorships whereby there is a clear power hierarchy and you’re expected to obey that person, while there is a constant undeclared war to break the other and take control for yourself. I’ve always felt like the rule of relationships was that I am expected to bow to a female in a relationship and devote everything to her. Friendships aren’t immune from this, either. My friends never cared about how I felt and they never listened to me. Now I have one close friend whom is an Internet friend in the United States that I met once in Montana that treats me with such kindness and love that I am totally taken aback and am unsure of what to make of it. I’m only now learning what ‘friendship’ is. Sex is bizarre to me. I don’t think I have ever witnessed or otherwise known of a relationship where there was consent, respect, kindness, and gentleness with each other.
  2. My best friend in the United States tells me that she thinks I am strong (if that was what you intended to imply?). It makes me feel better when she or others tell me that because it makes me feel like I am not a total failure. I will read the link to Tony Attwood’s website soon. Recently I finished reading his book The Complete Guide to Asperger’s Syndrome. I understand the need to have supportive individuals around me, but the fact is that that is much harder done than it is said. I haven’t been able to meet anyone that liked me enough to want to be around me. The truth is that I am rejected, rebuffed, shunned, ostracized, and tormented wherever I seem to be. Nor do I live in a populated area that allows me to be more socially active. Socializing is one of my greatest frustrations.
  3. Bleeding a little on my right arm from holding a razor blade to it. Wasn’t intending to punish myself but I obviously was putting more pressure on the knife than I had thought. My left arm is too deeply and badly scarred for it to be of any use for self-harming anymore. I’ve burned it and had it stitched together enough times that it is done. My right arm is still a virgin, though. I feel like a failure. Every time I look in the mirror all I see is the broken, crooked, dented, scarred, and infected me. I hate my crooked teeth and can’t afford do do anything about it, and I hate having a skin disorder. Moreover I feel like I don’t do anything right. I’m a hideous failure with no redeeming qualities whatsoever.
  4. I have been having issues coping with a profound fear of sex. I have never had sex but I was sexually abused when I was a child, an issue that I am dealing with a therapist whom specializes in trauma. No matter what the context the thought or images of sex can send me into a downhill spiral of anxiety and fear to a point that I can have a panic attack. It is my worst fear. I have little experience with relationships, love, intimacy, sex, and socializing. Being autistic, it can be painfully difficult to find others able to accept me, therefore I have spent a vast majority of my life alone working on my unique interests. A few months ago I came across pornographic videos online and was horribly disturbed by what I saw; it looks barbaric to me. How could I do that to a woman? Nor do I understand the thought process behind it. I love someone so I want to violate them? I don’t see the connection. It seems like such a horrible thing to do! And those videos have been ingrained into my photographic memory. I’ve tried asking others about this but nobody seems to understand me. There are almost no resources online for me about this. I see sex as being vulnerable, exposed, and violated. Can anyone offer me some advice?
  5. Perfectionism is an issue I have had for a long time. (Some forums have requested posts to tone down the level of self-harming and abuse talk. I apologize if I have said too much or am too graphic in this post. I added the trigger warning in case that happens.) As a child I was beaten, threatened, and abused for making mistakes. My dad used to beat me with belts, backhand me until I was bleeding in the face, sexually abused and humiliated me, threatened to kill me, and so forth over mistakes and schoolwork (although the sexual abuse might not be connected?). Teachers also degraded and abused me to a point that I was having epileptic episodes, and in my report cards it said that I am “retarded” and am “unlikely to ever succeed in life.” In elementary school I was armed with a pocket knife and was prepared to stab my dad if he hit me again, and I first self-harmed to a point of hospitalization when I was eight or nine years old and first thought of suicide over a less than perfect school grade when I was about 10. Now I am 21 years old. My life has been difficult to say it mildly. I was in a mental hospital in 2008, tried to kill myself in 2008, self-harmed so a point that there is no feeling left in certain areas of my body, and my dad shot himself in 2009 and our house was repossessed. I have been diagnosed with a Pervasive Developmental Disorder subtype known as Asperger’s Syndrome in the autism spectrum; Obsessive Compulsive Disorder; Social and Generalized Anxiety; Major Depression; and Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I have tried to attend university several times in the past several years. The first university I visited I left feeling horrible about myself because I wasn’t able to understand everything (was visiting). The second university campus I left crying because I couldn’t figure out how to register and disability services wouldn’t help me. The third university that I did register and attend classes at I left twice being hospitalized, the second time requiring an emergency response unit to see if I had killed myself, and I was taken to the hospital in an ambulance to fix the damage I did self-harming. The fourth university I left after planning a suicide and feeling like it wasn’t for me. I want to feel better about life and who I am but I have a hard time with this perfectionism . I feel like I must be perfect and have this all-encompassing fear of not being good enough, and I am told I can be extremely hard on myself with unrealistic expectations. The difficulty I have is thinking positively about who I am despite any flaws or imperfections that I have. Most of the time I think that I am a failure with no redeeming qualities whatsoever, and when I self-harm I always do it believing that I deserve to be punished for being who I am or making a mistake. My best friend - an American pen pal of mine of 5 years and whom I drove to the U.S. to meet and am planning to do that again - tells me she thinks I am incredible. Her exact words are: “I think you're honest, loyal, kind, loving, understanding, accepting, trustworthy, and incredibly thoughtful.” However, I have a hard time seeing past imperfections and failures of mine, whether it be that I have crooked teeth and a skin disorder or that I have difficulties with school and several other areas in life. I am having a real hard time with perfectionism and am unsure of what to do. Was hoping I could receive some advice on this website . The websites I have read online don't apply to the extreme form of perfectionism that I have.
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