benji

I don't know that I'm capable of calming down right now. I feel too out of control. I'm so angry and hurt and frustrated. I can't even think. Maybe writing it would help, but I feel like I need him to read it. I need him to hear what I have to say without it just making things worse. It makes me feeling like I am nothing and worthless and undeserving of respect or care. These feelings are too much for me and they remind me too much of how may parents always made me feel. This is very hard.

I can't seem to let go and focus on anything else. I think it's the fact that he hurt me, then left, then I can't even express to him how I feel about it. It feels like somehow it's perfectly ok for him to have done thatand there is nothing I can say about it. So I guess I'm stuck with those thoughts/feelings. ANd it makes me even more frustrated becasuse the whole day is wasted now with me being too upset to function. I don't even know what I'd say to him. He needs to talk. He needs to apologize. And if he doesn't, I don't even know what I will do. This is causing me a lot of upset. I don't know how to calm down right now. I feel like I can't calm down until its resolved, but it's up to him to do that and there's nothing I can do.

I'd rather not get into the specifics of what it was about, but he did something that was incredibly rude and hurtful and then just drove off. I don't believe I did anything wrong or did anything to deserve it. And he won't answer his phone, which is making me feel like there is nothing I can do about it. It feels like he gets away with hurting me without consequence. He can jsut ignore how upset I am. This is what is making it very hard to calm down. It feels like I was hurt and then have no recourse.

It's been awhile since I was on here, that's because things had actually been very good overall. The medication seemed to be doing what it's supposed to. But I'm really not doing well today. I had a fight with my partner this morning and he isn't answering his phone now and I can't seem to calm down. I've cancelled all of my appointments today, including my therapy appointment because I'm too upset to leave the house. I'm not sure what to do. I don't feel okay.

I'm looking back at this and thinking maybe I weathered the storm. This is a good thing. Under normal circumstances, I'm pretty sure this would have been a complete shutdown, break down. It got low, but I never lost myself. And I don't have the feeling like I was holding my breath the whole time and I only managed to postpone it. Perhaps it's time to sacrifice a lamb to the wellbutrin gods. I still need to figure out what to do about all the emotions though because maybe I'm able to now. A lot of things just make me very sad, and it hurts.

Burnt out and eintirely unproductive.

Something has to give. I'm not ok. I'm going to end up doing something stupid.

Still behind on sleep. Managed about four hours last night, and have been going non stop busy since 6am (it’s now almost midnight.) Had an excellent fight with my partner this morning to boot. And kind of slipped in the si department earlier. It was the only way I could keep things together. Maybe I’m trying to do too many things. I don’t know. Most of my busy-ness is self inflicted (a fact my partner loves to throw in my face if I suggest I might be exhausted.) And large portions of the busy-ness are actually enjoyable—or they would be if I were rested and didn’t have a million other things needing to be tended to. I need a break or something, but I don’t see how. I don’t want to let the ball drop on anything. And one particularly large project has a deadline coming up pretty soon. Maybe after that I can tone things down a bit? I’m not sure. Sometimes it feels like I feel guilty if I’m not busy doing something. I don’t know how to relax. As for what is it I really need. I don’t know. Sleep? I need to feel ok. I need to feel like I accomplished things. I need to feel like I did something right. Maybe that’s it. Maybe it’s because I grew up always being told that nothing I ever did was right. Didn’t matter what it was. So maybe I’m trying to hard to do things right? I really don’t know. I can’t think anymore.

The need to self injure keeps coming back and at this point, it’s inevitable. I’m not sure if I care. I’m so tired. I keep myself busy nearly every waking hour, then I keep myself up being busy half the night. I keep having snippits of memories popping up, intense feelings popping up, but I’m busy enough that I don’t let my focus go there and I stuff it aside. But it’s piling up now. Tonight I feel very frustrated. I have a project I want to work on—I want to have it done by the end of the week, if not sooner. But tomorrow is completely full, Wednesday I have half a dozen meetings. I wish I didn’t need sleep. That might be the problem right now is not enough sleep. I’m not sure what to do. I’m afraid to take a break. But I’m so tired. I feel trapped and things just keep speeding up. Right now I’m not being productive at all. I’m only thinking about ways to hurt myself. I just feel like I need to. Things will settle if I do. Because right now I feel dumb that I can’t get everything done and I can’t do it all right.

Some days i can work things so I have an afternoon break, but oftentimes I'm also working around other people's schedules. It varies, but I can certainly try. There is certainly a pattern this past week though. I seem fine until early afternoon, then tired, then by evening, nausous and wiped out. I don't know if I want to call the med prescriber or not. I see him in less than 2 weeks, and I'm hoping that the side effects lessen by then. The thing is, I can tell that my baseline mood is signifigantly better than what it was (even if it's still all over the place at times). The side effects suck, but I'm afraid of letting my mood drop too much. So I think I wait and see for now. The only thing I might do is consider taking the meds at a different time--see if I can time things so that point where I feel wiped out is when I should be going to bed anyway.

You don't know me, so I hope it's ok that I post a comment here. I just noticed that you are on wellbutrin and upping your dose. I have very recently done the same. My med prescriber had me jumpt straight from 150mg to 300mg and it seems to be hitting hard. I had almost no side effects on the 150mg. I don't know if they're "intrusive thoughts" or not (because I guess I'm not really sure what that term means) but I seem to frequently encounter a passing urge to self injure(which had been the case before, but something feels different about it now). I also seem to have weird and intense flashes memories--not anything too disturbing or lengthy, but just very real. Come to think of it, I think this happened when I started the wellbutrin as well--I'd have flashbacks to what my lunch was earlier in the day. So odd things like that. Now they seem to be from things just about from anywhere in my life. I'm at about 2 weeks from upping my dose. The first week I didn't notice too much. But this last week has been hitting me very hard. I feel fine in the morning(which is when I take my pill), but then get very tired in the afternoon (have been falling asleep in the middle of whatever I'm doing) and then seem to feel off for the rest of the day--tired and moody and sick to my stomach, then the night before last, one of the worst headaches of my life. So I guess what I'm saying is, wellbutrin does seem (for me, anyway) to have some weird side effects. Hopefully they go away with time. I have been noticing that overall, it was helping my mood, it's just that right now, it's laying a bunch of other stuff on top. So I'm hoping the side effects go away and the mood help stays. I am hopefull, since the side effects weren't much of a problem at all on the lower dose. Maybe it's just a matter of your body getting used to it. I hope you feel better soon.

IrmaJean- my wellbutrin dose was upped 2 weeks ago. I'm suspecting that's the cause, but I'm not sure. It seems to be affecting my ability to eat things. It makes me sick to eat anything to rich or sugary. Right now, the thought makes me want to throw up. Apparently forced healthy eating is a side effect. Today I've subsusted on watermelon and cheerios. Yesterday i ate a donut and it was after that that i started feeling sick. I got a massive headache last night. One of the worst I think I've ever had. Couldn't think and couldn't move or do anything. I felt ok again this morning, so I haven't bothered calling the doctor. Then I got the same super tired crash this afternoon, but haven't been able to nap. (had meetings with clients all afternoon). I'm supposed to see my med prescriber in another 2 weeks. For now I think I'm just going to see how it goes and if this gets better or not. Right now, for part of the day I feel perfectly fine, and then the rest of the day all of a sudden I feel completely exhausted and sick. After getting home this evening I seem to be having an emotional crash as well--lots and lots of negative thoughts and negative feelings about myself and feeling like I want to self injure.I'm trying to take deep breaths and wait it out. This isn't fun.

I'm actually feeling pretty sick right now. I'm getting a bad headache and am feeling sick to my stomach. I don't know what's going on. I'm trying to drink some water. We had plans for tonight and now I'm feeling very unwell in about ten different ways. Do you think this could be the medications, or is it something else? This doesn't seem like the flu.

I don't know what's going on, but I woke up from another nap and nothing seems right. Everything i see or think or try to do is off, it's too upsetting or something. Maybe I need more sleep? I was woken up by a phonecall. But I have too much that I have to do today. I don't feel like myself at all. I'm not sure what I'm asking here. My partner should be home in two hours. I don't know why I feel like this and I'm not sure what to do about it. Maybe it's medications? Or maybe it's just from not sleeping well? I'm not that far gone because I can pull myself together enough to have coherent phone conversations, so maybe I'm panicking over nothing?

I avoided medications for a long time because all of them took so long to work and everything i read said you often had to try more than one before finding what worked. So no immediate fix = not worth it. But then I did try. antidepressant #1: fail. antidepressant #2: fail. mood stabilizer #1: fail. mood stabilizer #2: seems to actually be providing some mild beneficial effects, though has completley messed with my short term memory and word finding skills. It's debatable whether the trade off is worth it. antidepressant #3: recently upped to theraputic dose. I have been noticing positive effects recently, even if i still have my moments. I never seem to stay down for too long at all. This one just might maybe be working, but maybe it will take awhile yet to be sure. So it's worth trying maybe, and just sort of see it as a long term thing. It may take awhile, but if you weren't going to be doing anything else anyway, might as well take a pill a day in the meantime.