Bestcobra
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Bestcobra last won the day on September 15 2012
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About Bestcobra
- Birthday 08/05/1988
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Alabama
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Music, games, movies, anime.
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51 Years of Misery reacted to a post in a topic: Why do women compare the two...
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Fatinvitolact reacted to a post in a topic: Weird turn ons?
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eldebyLibbith reacted to a post in a topic: Weird turn ons?
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Honestly I don't even know what I'm bad at, the woman that was in the car with me just started saying a whole list of things that I did horrible at. Not to mention she had a horrible attitude and was looking at me like I was some mutant that she wanted to murder. And I don't actually know about lessons, and yea I don't really have much money right now for that but I don't really trust anyone but my mom to be in the car with me, anyone else yells at me for everything I do and I'm too nervous with anyone else. I do fine when I'm driving her...at least most times, but when the people at the license center or whatever it is ride with me they make me feel threatened especially with that sort of attitude.
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That's the thing, I try to drive as often as I can when she's not at work.
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Well see I can't actually get a job, because I can't drive. And I keep driving more and trying to get better but I still fail the driving test, the last time I took it the women in the car with me actually told me I did horrible and I need to drive for a lot longer before getting my license. This is also the reason that I can't go to a doctor, therapist or whatever. I have a bit of an education and wouldn't honestly want anymore schooling. But I could find a job if I had a license, but I can't seem to get one even though I keep trying. And for an example, while I keep trying to get my license my mother is the one who takes me to try to get my license and when I fail she tells my dad who laughs in my face about it and tells me how stupid I am for failing it. This is the kind of behavior that I have around me that I can't stand anymore when I'm already in this state. And LaLa I honestly don't know how I would survive or what I would do but I'm not able to do anything now so in my opinion it couldn't be much worse and I would be away from the people here. I would probably go to Japan if anywhere. Also I'm definitely depressed and I have been most of my life, this is something I'm certain of. I'm just trying to figure out the best way for me to deal with it for longer cause if I keep going the way I am, by the time Christmas gets here I don't think I'll be able to take it in this same place with the same people. It's gotten a lot worse than it used to be though, it's gotten to the point where I self harm now and I used to hate the thought of even doing it so I never did. Not because I thought it was wrong or anything like that but just because I didn't want more scars on my body than I already have, and now that I've started when I get in really emotional states that's what I do. Normally I would curl up in a ball for hours upon hours crying until I couldn't anymore or until I felt physically sick. If I could get my license I think it would help a lot cause for one I wouldn't feel like I'm just completely stuck here and I could at least go places if I want to. I could meet new people while alone and things like that. It's just starting to seem like I'm never going to get it and the more I fail the more everyone looks down on me. I'm trying my best to get it but It's just not something that I can do so naturally like most people can. Also what I meant by people that aren't around, is just the sort of people that I wish I had in my life. Meaning I don't honestly have anyone in my life right now that makes me feel like I'm even worth talking to or anything to that extent. So really I just have to try to find new friends or something, which once again is very hard to do when I can't go anywhere alone and meet people. Most of these problems are my own fault for not having a license, and I just can't seem to get it even with how hard I'm trying. It's just starting to seem more and more hopeless each day.
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I'm perfectly fine with being me, yea I stay depressed and sometimes it's because I'm me. But at this point it's more so the people around me, and the people that I don't have around me. Even if I feel like I don't deserve anything and I'm not worth anything, I don't ACTUALLY want to die. I just feel like it's what would be best at times. And maybe I wouldn't have to leave the country to get far enough away, but if I'm going somewhere I would rather not be here at all.
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I'm considering just leaving the country and leaving my phone and a letter at my mothers house letting her know I left. I can't take these people around me anymore. It's the only logical thing left for me to do that might keep me sane at all. And I've tried diaries and stuff they just don't seem to help cause it's still only me knowing what is written down. I'm just so tired of the people that are around me, and I don't have anyone in my life that are the sort of people I want in it. The other night on Halloween I came extremely close to killing myself...the only reason I didn't is cause someone messaged me out of the blue and I didn't expect it. I can't deal with holidays anymore, they're the worst of all and if Christmas gets here and I'm still just in this same spot with the same people around and nobody else, I'm not going to be able to take it.
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Well see for me, just the physical part really doesn't do all that much for me it's the emotional stuff that actually causes pleasure. If it was just physical, I really wouldn't ever care to be with a girl at all. So I know where jessie is coming from, if I get a blowjob from some random woman I don't know it really wouldn't do any more for me than masturbating. But, if this was some random woman and I actually thought she was enjoying it, then yea it would still do a lot for me.
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I guess it helps at times, but no there's never anyone with me. And I can't talk about how I feel with anyone that I know in person anyway so someone being here wouldn't help anything.
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Sorry everyone for not replying....I've been doing alright for a little while and just haven't been on here much but today everything just hit me at once again. I probably won't do anything but if I do I'm sorry that I wasted everyone's time by trying to get you to help me. I really don't deserve everyone's help...
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Skynight that comment about it not being a responsibility to please a woman during sex was pretty bad in my opinion...you realize the reason that the sex is most likely happening is because she would want to please the man right? It's not her responsibility either, if she doesn't want to she wouldn't have to do a damn thing. There's no written rule that says to be in a relationship a woman has to satisfy a man sexually, nor the other way around. I've just come to the conclusion that if someone can't be happy with the way I am it's really not my problem, I was born this way and nobody should have to change themselves just because of one flaw, and I know I can satisfy women sexually anyway, just not with my penis. So I just most likely won't be having sex all that often but that doesn't bother me, I have too many other things in my life that causes me to be depressed and I can't keep having this extra thing making it worse. Maybe I'll never end up with anyone else and maybe I will, but I'll do my best with what I have and that's all I can do. Hopefully more of you can do the same and just not let it get you down too much but I just can't personally let it do it to me anymore or I'll end up on the news one day, and it won't be for a good reason.
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Thorough I know I started this post and yes I'm severely depressed for a lot of reasons. But I can't agree with you saying that we only end up with "ugly" women. Honestly I don't see anyone as "ugly" in my eyes unless they're someone who actually abuses other people physically or mentally, or purposely harms people in some way no matter what it is. Those people, I see as ugly. When I was 19 I dated a woman that was 34 with 2 grown kids, she didn't want me she wanted someone else that was 2 years older than me. When I was 21 I dated someone that was 43, she was married had 2 kids and was taller and she was overweight by a pretty good bit. I never saw either of these as ugly even if they were what most of society deems as "not physically attractive" They was bother attractive in my eyes, physically as well as mentally. The one that was still married was depressed, and said she would divorce her husband if I would be with her. And because of the way I am she seemed to like me so I was stupid enough to start to fall for her, but when she finally told me I wasn't good enough for her I snapped out of my stupidity and realized I was about to break up a family, and as she told me I wasn't good enough for her I was the one that still had to break up with her cause she would have rather been with someone she found to be less than good enough for her and she could've been happier than being with her own family that she already had, or at least she thinks she could have been. My point is, please don't call someone ugly if you don't even know them. That's honestly a very shallow opinion especially coming from someone like us. If you seriously consider yourself to have a small dick and can still call others ugly then that seems to me that it's getting to be more of a rage problem than a depressed problem. Which actually a lot of men with smaller than average penises do end up with horrible rage issues, most men in the position we are in either end up severely depressed, have uncontrollable rage problems or they get married at a young age and can eventually be happy for the most part. Also, a woman having self-esteem issues is not something that makes her ugly in my eyes. You know what self-esteem tells me? That the woman has most likely been through more shit than most people have, or is just more emotional so to ME I would rather talk or possibly date those woman than others because I know I treat people with a great amount of respect and I try to show them how good they can truly be treated. And obesity issues, I don't think people realize a lot of times that it's something that could have also formed from depression at first and if possibly, just one person shows them that they're worth something and dates them and tries to help them lose the weight they would probably be more than glad to at least try to lose the weight with the help of someone that actually cares. If you can't be with someone because they're "fat" or "ugly" or have self-esteem issues then honestly you're sort of taking a lot of the people out of the equation that would possibly want to be with you, just for the way you are. Also, I don't "Settle" for anyone that I date. I date them because I want to be with them exactly the way they are, if I didn't then I wouldn't date them. I have never and will never ask anyone to change for me, if someone wants to change then I'll help them anyway I can yes but I'm not someone that's going to try to change people to fit some image I have in my head of what the perfect person is. Each person is different and there's only one of everyone, so being with them exactly the way they are is what makes it exciting and worthwhile even if it turns out bad. If everyone in the world was what society sees as "beautiful" then everyone in the world would look the same, we would all think the same, dress the same think the same and do all the same things. It would be an extremely boring world.
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kuanpbvwb reacted to a post in a topic: Found out I have anorexia
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No problem at all. And it's probably just that you like the personality of these certain few people or something, I know that's how it started out for me and as time went along I just got more into it. But I'm glad I could help.
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Yea I don't eat anything fried at all, and I try not to eat any sort of bread or anything like that really. Mainly just protein, fruits and vegetables. Also your post made me laugh a bit just cause you said "Fishes" cause I know it's supposed to be fish but always say fishes anyway. So thanks for that.
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And no I'm not a minor at all, I'm 24 but the only reason I stay around my father at all is so I can talk to my mother. If I'm around her I have to be around him. And with teh weight thing it just doesn't seem like I'm starving myself at all, with the amount I'm eating I still don't really get hungry all that much and I normally eat pretty healthy stuff. And I'm hoping that being thinner would at least make me feel a bit better...anytime I see that I've lost weight I get a bit happy, more so than any other day so if I can lose a significant amount then I think it would at least make me feel better about myself than I do now, even if it's just a bit. And yea mal I actually do realize how ridiculous his comments are which makes me feel even more dumb for caring what he says at all. Most times I just try to drown him out completely and not pay attention to anything he says, but normally anytime someone says something to me positive or negative it has a bit of an effect on me but he's been this way my whole life so the things he would say just sort of got beat into my head and made me start believing them more and more. So even if he were to tell someone else something like that and I completely disagree, he could say one thing to me and I would believe it at least for a little while. Like I said though the only reason I'm still even in this state at all is because of my mother, honestly I would feel guilty for leaving her there alone with him too. Sure it's who she married and who she stayed with, but she's told me that she thought about divorcing him a lot of times because of the way he is when me and my brother were younger but he always made money and most people around where we lived actually never made that much and back then they didn't have internet and everything to go meet people. It was either stay with him or most likely be alone with just us kids for a while so she decided to stay for us so we would have money. In a lot of ways I still think she should have left him and just raised us alone but I can also see that she was just trying to do what's best for us physically. My father never abused any of us physically, so nobody really ever thought it was that bad I guess. I know 95% of my problems are in my head, most of it being from my past and some days I'm perfectly fine and know that none of that stuff in the past matters. Then other days I feel like everything that's been said to me is true and that I'll never amount to anything in my life, which is also my father used to tell me many many times. And honestly I'm scared to have a license cause I don't trust myself on the road, I don't have enough concentration on driving and if I ever ended up getting in a wreck and actually killing someone because of that I don't know what I would do. I don't want to put other people in danger just because of my problems.
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Yea I've actually been eating the right sort of stuff. I only really eat chicken, fish or turkey for meat cause it's the least fattening. I'll usually eat a banana every day or some other fruit and I'll eat whatever vegetables I eat with a meal later in the day. So the stuff I'm eating is healthy I don't eat junk food at all and I haven't for a while now, I don't really feel tired all the time or anything do to the way I'm eating. Cause I'll get to the point where I just don't feel like doing anything just from being depressed and definitely know the difference from just not feeling like doing anything and being physically weak. And I actually drink just as much as I always have that hasn't changed any but I don't drink anything with calories or sugar or anything like that so I don't feel like drinking less would change anything. And that's a good point, I think I would be able to keep eating right after getting to the weight I want so I should be alright. And thanks for the input for all of this, it did actually help a bit.
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Well see, the thing is it's not so much that his opinions would make me kill myself but that it makes me never want to be around him. And the only way for me to be around my mom is to be around him, so the more he says to me the harder it is for me to be around her and if he found out that I went to some professional for help with something like that he would say something completely demeaning to me every time I even step in the house, he already does it enough so if it got that bad I wouldn't be able to go around my mom anymore cause I wouldn't be able to stand being there at all. And seeing how she's really the only person I have to talk to in person about anything at all, I would be more than lost without her. Me being a "freak" doesn't bother me, it's that I like being around my mother and my father makes that almost impossible for me. And I never agree with anything my father says, I never have he's racist, sexist, homophobic, and he and he won't just say things like to stop being that way or something. For example, when I was about 15 I accidentally stabbed my hand and I had a cast on my leg at the time from having an operation so I was on the couch. And one of my cousins was there sitting next to me and when I stabbed my hand it started bleeding everywhere and the first thing i told him not to do was to get my mom but NOT to say a word to my dad at all, I basically begged him not to get my dad. And the first thing he does, is he tells my dad and as soon as he walks in the room before he knows what happens all I hear is "Goddamn you're so fucking stupid I've never seen a human in my life so fucking stupid as you" That's before even knowing what happened, he just say the blood. It got a lot worse than that, but that's when I accidentally injured myself so you can assume how he gets I hope. And thanks for understanding about the eating thing, maybe I'll be able to more when I get to be the weight that I want to be but I don't want to eat much at this point. And if I could go alone somewhere, then I would but I don't have my license so the only way for me to get any help is to ask my mother to bring me somewhere, and if I do that she tells my dad. All of this could be solved if I just had my license...yet I'm too afraid to even get it.