andrei_balon

thank you for your advice.I'm a little bit reluctant to go to a professional,but I will probably go for it after a while.thanks for your advice and welcome! I think that because when I was young i had no male influence in my family,only misleading,idealistic and feminist advice that it affected my brain chemistry.You can find studies that show male sperm count and testosterone have declined dramatically in the past decades.There are a number of factors:no male role models,estrogen in processed foods and the feminisation and condemnation of being male by the media,schools and family. I see that you are older ( I'm 20 years old) and probably didn't have this issues while growing up.I live in post communism country where changes like in in the US have only recently started affecting society.I am not a misogynist,I despise every group equally who tries to push it's agenda with the false pretense of common good.Feminism,religion,many political parties are just some examples. Thank you again for answering,i will now search on the internet about counselling in my country,have a nice day!

Hello,this is my first post. I have some issues and I don't have the money to go to a professional,hope someone here will help me with an opinion.I will be as brief as I can,please share your thoughts if you want to.My English isn't perfect,but I hope you will understand.Ask my anything and i will clarify it. part 1) a promising beginning I was raised only by female members of my family.When I was a kid i was very manly and agresive,but when my mother quit work all hell broke loose.She is a control freak.She screamed at me at every little stupid shit I did while she did the same mistakes.I was made stupid,an idiot,and isolated from my peers.My father was a pussy too,he didn't do nothing,he just ran away to video games(played all day) and let me to take the punishment.My mother made me feel like shit,and i had to navigate the maze.She has low intelligence and used to act only on impulse,even at that age I understood that she makes absolutely no sense...yet i had to "praise" her,her to act like she had some for of intelligence...I pretended my whole life.At the same time,with a lack of a male role model,the bullshit of feminist propaganda (be nice,be a gentleman,blablabla) slowly corrupted me.Strong and fearless,having chicks at the age of 10,being the alpha kid on the block,having a chance to loose my virginity at the age when most guys didn't have the first kiss,i had it all... part 2) that moment After a few years of pussification and conditioning,i became a looser,but I still had hope.Friends,girlfriend,and the most important thing: i started to realize there is a problem,I started reading on the internet and understanding stuff.it was a time when everything had the chance to become better.But then it happened.I was playing Warcraft 3(for those that don't know,you have to wait when loading a map) and went to get some water from the kitchen.I saw that 10 minutes earlier my mother went in,she was feeling sick all day.After that,pretending to be a good son,i knocked on the door and asked if she was okay.No answer...I did it again.Than i gently pushed the door just to seem interested in her.Than(because she didn't lock it properly with the pin) the door got loose and i saw her with a belt around her neck.I helped her but she was dying there in my arms.I called the ambulance and after a while she was out of harms way part 3) fall from grace. Then,something happened that I didn't expect.She started blaming me and my father for this.She said it to my face that i was a bad person and this happened because of my ignorance and lack of love for her.(i was 12-13 when this happened).After telling me that and hinting it to me for a while,things went back to normal,we never talked about it.She became the same bitch she was before,punishing me for everything and even hitting me.Than something changed,when i started having weird thoughts about being gay,killing her and other people in very explicit ways,pedophilia,self mutilation and more.For a few weeks the thoughts where so horrific that didn't want to close my eyes because of the images(before going to sleep).Depression kicked and I couldn't evade these though.After browsing for a while on the internet,someone finally said to me that I might be suffering from pure O OCD,or bypolar because of the mood swings i had. part 4)emptiness and then,it was nothing.I evolved by making two steps back and one forward.I got into a depression wanting to kill myself(i also cut myself a number of times)then something happened to give me hope and I felt like a GOD,like i could do anything,become anyone(because I had/have the information,only lack the will to do it).I started reading,understanding,preparing for the day everything would change.Slowly everyone in my life drifted away and i am now alone with only my " i can change the world" mentality.Hope,is the reason I don't kill myself.Because when i'm down and want it to just end it all i remember something: i'm a smart guy,i've read a lot of books and i know my path.I have ideas for a business,i have inventions,dreams,i'm a thinker and an intelligent person(my IQ is about 135)but that's worth nothing if i can't act.Every time i lie to myself "when this happens,i will start working 10 hours a day on myself and my projects,and i will succeed.But i never do,and slowly the thought of going trough this shit all my life is giving me reason to end it.My hope is slowly being diminished,and one time,when i'm depressed,i know i might do something stupid. How do i get my balls back?my dignity? my humanity? I know the problem,i know the solutions,yet something in me has to change so i become the person I know i can be.But every time that something changes,I don't...and i keep lying to myself.I'm getting tired of the "this is it!!" feeling,and to be honest it's loosing it's power to keep me going...i already wrote to much,hope someone will answer.have a nice day and thanks for reading!