Lie_low

I’m starting a new job tomorrow. I’m very nervous and afraid that I will have trouble coping with all of the stress. I also recently started dating. While I’m excited about all of the progress that I’m making I’m overwhelmed with anxiety and nervous about trying to do all of this while remaining sober and injury-free at the same time. When I quit self-injuring I said goodbye to it. I ended my affair with self-injury. Literally. I bet that sounds strange doesn’t it? I didn’t say goodbye because I had to. No it wasn’t do or die. There is no such thing as bottom. I thought there was. I was waiting for it. The truth is, no matter how far you fall there is always room to fall further still. I was waiting for someone to notice and drag me out of it. To make sense of it. You see if there wasn’t a reason then all I have is the grief and the loss. And maybe that’s all that I do have. I didn’t say goodbye because I had to. I said goodbye because it was time to move on.

Wow. Thanks for the thoughtful replies. It was a lot so I had to take some time to think about it. But I’m still not sure. My feeling of worthlessness is the most strong when I have made a mistake. It could be something as small, (an usually is) as saying the wrong thing. Or binging on food. It becomes unbearable and words such as worthless are repeated in my head over and over. As a child I was called other names, but certainly never “worthless.” My lack of self-control and my failures make me so angry at myself. If I know that I should do, why can’t I just do it? It comes up a lot in relation to my eating disorder. Why do I eat too much when I know it is bad for me, and I will feel so guilty afterwards? I get so mad at myself. That’s when the name-calling starts. And maybe learning to do things differently will help me feel less worthless. But as for how to control my behavior, I am at a loss for words. Still not sure just how I can do that. How much failure is acceptable, and how much guilt is excessive when it normally leads to self-punishment? Just yesterday I spent some time talking to a friend. She thanked me and told me that I helped her a lot. It was the first time anyone outside of my family has told me something like that. I was glad that I could help her. It made me feel better. This is first time in my life that I have any close friends. And it does make me feel more worthwhile.

thanks finding my way! CBT or not, you are always welcome in my thread!!!

Thanks finding my way! I really want to thank you and everyone who encouraged me to seek help when I first came to this community looking for advice. Deciding to finally get help for my problems was one of the hardest, but also one of the best decisions that I have ever made. Thanks everyone for your support! It really means a lot to me!

Okay, so the thought that I’m struggling with is: “I am worthless” I struggle with self-injury and in the past I cut the word “worthless” into my skin. Now, of course, I regret doing that. And I hate looking at that scar. But yet I can’t think of anything more true.

Since I have not been around here in quite awhile I thought that I would give you all an update. I have been injury free for two months and sober for three months. It is very hard work! The self-injury support group is going well. It has helped me to open up to others for the first time in my life and I’m grateful for that. I started a different antidepressant two months ago and it has made such a big difference. I feel better than I have in a very long time, maybe ever. I was very skeptical about medication because I had already tried three antidepressants, with little to no effect and plenty of unpleasant side effects. I’m so glad that I gave it another shot! Because this time it’s really helping. But I’m feeling down today. I have been thinking about my scars. I am filled with regret. And I wish so much that I could erase them from my body. It would be so much easier to move on.

Thanks JP for saying something. What the oak has written seems insensitive and cruel.

a fine frenzy "hope for the hopeless"

You are not evil. You’re human, and you’re a worthwhile person. :)You just don’t know your worth. Sometimes we need others to remind us of it. I know I do. Hang in there hun. Stay safe and know that we are here to listen if you need it.

Enough Sometimes I wish I could be For just a moment too small to see To be separated, apart from this body Now a tattered scarred up mess It bears the burden of my attack For in it I try to make up for all that I lack And what do I fear The unkindest glimpse of all A gaze, a stare, and a look of utter disappointment Though it leaves me longing Still it draws me in With the promise of fulfillment And what am I left with but the reality of this defeat A body full of scars and a look of disappointment

Thanks Cathy and finding my way. It was actually my idea to start the support group because I was feeling so stuck and alone in this struggle and really frustrated that there were not any si support groups anywhere near where I live. I don’t know if my therapist will include DBT skills in the group, but I think that sounds like a great idea!

Thanks finding. I will listen to it on by bike ride today. I’m removing the ticker from my signature because unfortunately (and I’m ashamed to admit it because you guys have been so supportive) I gave in and hurt myself the other day so I would say that I’m feeling pretty horrible and helpless at the moment. I’m not giving up though guys; I want to stop hurting myself. On the bright side soon my therapist will be doing a group for self-injurers so I’m hoping that will help me work on stopping and maybe finding other people who I can turn to when I’m trying to fight the urges.

Well, since you asked… A fine frenzy—coming around (the new album came out last Tuesday!) Adele—right as rain The Killers—the world we live in Coldplay—everything’s not lost (I realize this one is old, but I just now realized how wonderful it is, and I use it to cheer up) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BhfKkF6sgNA Duffy—Warwick avenue

Thanks. I want to let you guys know that I appreciate the encouragement. It really does help.

oh dear. i forgot to mention that nobody said giving up si would be easy. one foot in front of the other, right?