hb12345

I've spoken with a few professionals back in highschool, but at that point I was struggling with a fear of public speech (presentations in class and just day to day conversation with peers) where I blushed a lot and then developed a fear of blushing, which I realized is an irrational fear of being judged negatively. I went on Celexa in April 2009 for anxiety. I also moved 8 hours from home to go to college in 2009 where I really felt progress in my self-esteem and didn't think about the blushing as much because it didn't seem to happen like it did in highschool. Broke out of my shell you could say. Mind you in college I found it easier to avoid having to speak in front of the class. I've weened off the Celexa since around April/May and I'm not sure if not being on it any more has caused such feelings of feeling sorry for myself, and the constant ups and downs in my mood.

I've been with my boyfriend officially for just over 2 years now. I'm 21 and he is 24. This August I found out he cheated on me. I believe his regret was genuine, he was really upset that he hurt me. He told me after thinking hard about why he did it (he was very drunk also) was because I don't challenge him enough. He doesn't feel like he's earned or gained anything from the relationship. He says he hates making the decisions all the time. (simple things like what to do on a weekend or what to have for dinner). I'm so easy-going that all I want to do is please him, that's just my nature, I rarely put myself first. So instead of saying, this is what I want to do, I ask him if he would want to. I think it's just polite but he sees it as a lack of confidence in making my own choices. It is true though, I do have a very low self-esteem and extreme insecurities with myself, some days more than others, and I'm scared that they are ruining the relationship. But I know deep down that being cheated on has torn me down even more. It's like I pretend it didn't happen and try to be ok with it. I want him in my life but only as a boyfriend (if we broke up I would not be able to be friends right away if not for a long time) I don't know what to do.