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Found 6 results

  1. Hi, Im new to the forums. Sorry if the post is too long. I will try to keep it short and I will answer any questions that I can. In short, Im lost in life. I have to work because my family and I have no money, but Im worn out and I can never focus on my passions. ########################## With more detail: Im half Japanese, half Canadian, grew up in Canada and moved to Japan and live with my mom since June2016 (Parents divorced) My passion was always music (Jazz in particular). But people around me would tell me Its too risky and would pull me away from my passions. My school forced me into an advanced program in which they kicked me out from the program a month before graduation so i was never certified despite going through two years of its courses. I couldnt go to college or university anyway since my parents are divorced and both are in dept up to their eye balls. I worked full time for three years, but this forced me to stop playing music completely, so I accumulated stress and tired so I decided to move to Japan and get a fresh start. I gave $10,000 to my dad to help for his dept and I flew to Japan. Ever since I came here, Ive had the longest streak of bad luck and developed severe symptomes of depression. -Lack of sleep and apetite -No energy / Couldnt move -No desire for anything/no excitement -Weightloss and grew weak -Vivid thoughts of suide. I broke up and left my toxic relationship, I forced myself to wake up every morning at the same time, I started to meditate and do Yogaevery morning, and try to eat healthier. This helped. I even bought software and gear to learn music production. Today I was told the local jazz bar needs me to work there asap. I can make connections with jazz musicians and its suppose to be great. But instead it tore me apart: i dont want to work. I work really hard so employers love me, but at my own health's expense (mental and physical). Its just the way I have become for reasons. I have to work cause my family needs money, and I need to live, but I cant stand it. I hate it. I hate working for the sake of money and forcing me to stray away from what I really want to do. Working long and late hours takes the energy from me to focus on anything else. I dont know how to regain that energy I once had long long ago. Should I just give up my dreams? Should I just get a job and work solely for the purpose of making money like everyone is telling me? I dont want to work, but I have to. I want to learn and get into the music industry, but i have neither energy nor money. Im lost... Thank you so much for your time <3 Help is much appreciated!
  2. I'm 20 years old finished school been to college but didn't complete no kids, no setbacks of any kind, I'm at a point in my life where I have reached a level of depression like no other I don't really have an support as it seems no motivation at all. Even down to my family, I'm not working I been applying for jobs and getting interviews but I don't have a car so when I ask my mom or my grandparents for a ride to my interviews something productive it's always a argue I'm just missing out on opportunities. I can't count the number of times I've cried and prayed and begged God to heal me from whatever is going, this is not me never have I ever felt like I didn't want to be here anymore i literally feel stuck what else is there for me to do pls help
  3. There's something wrong with me. I feel like I want to slip away and I barely feel real anymore. I don't know if I will make it through this summer.
  4. I am a reserved person, I do not have a temper, I dread confrontation and have always been an observer. I am very soft spoken, but I am also confident. I only speak when I have something to say. I am also lost in my lies. I have been in a stagnant relationship for two years now and ever since I entered it, I have become a liar - Not to my partner - but to those around me, mostly my family. Let me first clarify, I am in a gay relationship, but I do not think I am gay. We have been in a committed relationship for over 2 years and since we moved in together I dropped out of Art school, have lied to my father for the sake of money and have hopped from job to job. For the sake of disappointing my family, I told them I graduated, have lied about my job situation, and Told them I broke up with my boyfriend as they advised me to do in order to gain their trust - all for the sake of disappointing my family and this relationship that I do not want. I am truly not happy and have lost myself. My father has recently confronted me and found out about school, my job, and this relationship and has expressed how embarrassed and disappointed he is. I do not know where to go from here - what to do - or how to find myself. I have sunken under the tide and am drowning. I feel numb to everything and disgusted with myself. I just need to know where to start - my mind is so clouded I can't see what I should do - any suggestions?
  5. I would like to start this off by saying thank you to whoever chooses to read it. Ever since i was a young boy my family, mom more than the others, told me that i would grow up to be or do something great. These words sort of haunt me in a way, because i'm not doing or being anything great. Everyone i meet tells me they see compassion in me and that i am just genuinely a kind person. Well for the most part at least. I prided myself on being that kind of person for a long time, but not so much anymore. I have sort of given up. My father died when i was four years old but i didn't take it too hard. We weren't close (i hardly ever saw him) and i didn't have a grasp on what it really meant to die yet, but my mom was devastated. I remember watching her cry for some time. She eventually moved on though. After he died we moved out to New Orleans (from Tucson, AZ). That was his home town and it is where him and my mom originally met. We lived there for two years, during i became really close to my cousin who was a year older than me. He was kinda like the older brother i didn't have (I had a little sister 3 and a half years younger than me at the time). But before Hurricane Katrina hit my mom had me move back out to Tucson with my grandmother. She came home a while after i did so i lived with my uncle, grandma, sister, and two cousins who were both younger than me. Nothing really bad happens for a while and life is going on smooth. But my mom eventually started dating again When she got back to Tucson and when i was about half way though my fifth grade year she started dating the man who is my step father now. When i first met him he seemed cool and fun. I was already sorta a punk rock kid because that's what my mom was into, but he furthered my ambition for it. I lived on and off with my mom for the rest of the year and then fully moved in with her and step father. Before i moved in there was really no domestic violence or abuse, maybe like one or two verbal fights. But after i moved in with them full time with my little sister everything started taking a turn for the worst. They fought all the time, weather it just be them yelling or pushing or shoving, whatever. They were at it constantly. It just never got better and gradually got worse and worse. I was failing basically everything at school in sixth grade because i hated the school more than anything else. I got bullied a lot when i first arrived there and it sort of changed who i was. The innocent child who was a fifth grader living in a nice neighborhood was lost to this school. I was one of few white kids there so naturally i was going to catch some grief. But the other white kids there were already somewhat hardened because they had lived in the area and grew up there. Me, on the other hand, thought that everyone still played pretend games at lunch and ran around like little kids. Eventually after getting picked on so much, being the person that i was, i stood up to them and as a result i got in many fights. That's the big game changer. You really can get prepared for what it feels like to get punched in the face for the first time, but i had somewhat of an anger management issue (still do in respect to being hit) and lost it. I ended up winning that first fight and it gave me some amount of pride in myself which was new. I got in quite a few more fights thought that year and got suspended more than once for it. That aside this whole time my home life is hard as well. My parents were still fighting all the damn time. I immersed myself into video games and it helped alot. But the fights were starting to get serious at this point. There was one that i remember clearly. They were getting out of hand, throwing and breaking things, so my little sister came into my room crying. I calmed her down but then i heard my mom start to scream from the living room. That worried me and my little sister started to freak out again. I told her it was going to be alright and that i would go see if everything was ok. I opened my door and walked around the corner to the living room and my step dad had my mom in a chock hold and a knife to her neck. He looked at me and yelled to get back in my room so i did so immediately. It eventually died down because he left to go to a friends house like usual. Time went on hectic like that for some time until one summer when i wen't to go visit my family in New Orleans. When me and my little sister got off the plane to get driven home i felt something was wrong. There is always sort of a lingering heaviness when someone is holding onto bad news. We went to my uncles house instead of home and when i got inside i could feel the thick angst on the air. There were a lot of people there, almost like a party. And then we gathered everyone up in the living room for the news to be announced. my mother had died while i was away. My two cousins that were there and my little sister immediately burst into tiers and crying. Whoever, i knew for quite some time that she was going to die soon. I almost prepared myself mentally for the encounter. I ended up breaking and let out some tears so i went outside to gather myself. I wanted to be the one not to cry, the one that everyone could lean on and cry to. So i went back in with my new demeanor ready to face them and to my surprise i stopped caring. I lost the urge to cry altogether. The next year at school was rough. I moved back in with my grandma and attended the middle school there. I guess the thing to to that year was to add "your mom" to everything. That was horrible for me and i almost got into more fights, but i was able to keep my cool for the year and not lose it with anyone. Time passed seemingly effortless. And before i knew it i was in high school. Nothing to big happens here. I had a crush on a girl since seventh grade but get turned down pretty bad freshman year. I tired my luck with her again sometime sophomore year too. That ruined dating for me and i still don't try to make romantic relations anymore. Then i start smoking pot late freshman year, but not because i was depressed. I thought it was fun for a time, but that lost its charm and I went back my my online gaming. All this time the gaming helped keep me together. I got pretty good at Halo Reach for the Xbox 360 and it gave me some self worth (i ended up switching to computer gaming as of now). I ended up failing a bunch of classes and had to go to a credit retrial school. And here i am about to finish junior year. My problem is that i don't care about much anymore. I feel apathy for almost everything. I always say i'm just lazy but lately i have been questioning that. My friend from school was talking in my group about how i never come to school and he said something like "yeah, the difference between you and -john- is that john is lazy by choice, but your lazy by nature." That got me thinking really hard about why i just don't give a damn. I find myself thinking about concepts to big for myself to handle without any proper education. Like about personal morals and social standards. And I can't help but view myself as a psychopath sometimes. I don't even get fazed by these sick stories of people raping their own kids and drowning puppies in rivers. Every once in a while it gets to me but only briefly. I wonder where the person i was when everyone had hopes that i could be something went. That kind hearted, uplifting, energetic kid who was always smiling. I have become the vessel of lost memories and confused thoughts. My original intent with this post was to see if anyone could identify a mental problem or state i hold but now i'm not sure. People in my family have told me i seem depressed but i honestly don't know what depression is supposed to feel like. I got prescribed vyavanse to help me focus in school and they really help. I get this feeling of motivation that i lack when i'm off of them but when they wear off its like waking up from a good dream that you wanted to go on forever. I wish I knew what i wanted. i wish I knew what i need to do. I wish I had all the answers. I wish someone else had all the answers too. But the sad reality of this all is that it's unrealistic to hope that someone will be able to help me get away from the place i'm stuck in and change the way i am just based off this post. Don't get me wrong though, I appreciate any feed back. i would love to hear all of your opinions, and thank you for reading. ~TheLonelyReaper
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