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Hey guys, I was hoping someone could help me out. I’ve been struggling a lot recently. Want to start by saying I’ve never really been to a professional therapist (tried free counselling a few times, but always felt uncomfortable) I’m a 19 year old male from the UK. I know my aunt and my grandmother both have/had mental issues in the past, and believe my aunt was diagnosed - though I’m not sure of her diagnosis. I didnt want to make a super long post, so going to breakdown my issues a bit and stuff. - I think I have had fairly bad social anxiety for the past 2/3 years. I’m not great with people my own age. Not good with things like parties or any social gathering really. I also find it difficult bonding and connecting with people. Even when I didn't have really bad anxiety, I struggled to make friends. Whilst I have had some close friends in the past, I always end up drifting away from them. It’s a cycle that seems to constantly repeat. Though even the friends I have become ‘close’ with, I’ve never really had a normal friendship with any of them. I never really share details about my own life, and none of them would have had any idea about any of this. There was one girl who I was open with, but I fell in with new people and we grew apart. Never had a romantic relationship/encounter with anyone either. I often find myself really wanting this but nothing has ever come of that. - Sexual identity - In my early teen years, I was sure I was straight and had a crush on a girl for most of these years. (Same girl I mentioned above), but we stayed as friends, never told her how I felt. Few years later, I felt that I was gay. Was primarily interested in gay porn, and still am to a degree. Said girl did help me deal with that in fact, and she suggested I was gay or possibly bi. I grew comfortable with this fact, and came out to a few people I knew, though not my family. Now, I’m not sure. I still feel like I’m sexually turned on mostly by males, but feel like I want an emotional relationship with a girl. So I’m pretty confused. I know sexuality is fluid, etc but I’m not sure where I stand. - Sexual interests - In the last two years, I’ve found my interests in unusual sexual fetishes growing much stronger. Normal porn has little effect for me now, and amateur, voyeuristic or rape fantasies are what I watch. I’ve found myself viewing some quite disturbing content, and have become quite addicted to it. I’ve tried things like NoFap previously but failed. My fantasises are also becoming increasingly violent and most would probably consider them strange and unusual. - Prone to Anger/Bouts of violence - I’ll frequently become angry/agitated at something very quickly, especially with my family (who I have no reason to be angry with) and sometimes even lash out violently. I’m usually immediately sorry afterwords, but does seem to be happening as the norm now, and am generally more withdrawn and sullen than I was previously. Mood swings would also be quite common at the minute. I also have a fascination with true crime cases of the likes of Jeffrey Dahmer and Ted Bundy. That’s pretty much it, I’m sorry for the really long post. I just want to know what’s wrong with me, as it’s tearing me apart. I find it harder and harder to pretend everything is okay. I’ve tried to arrange to see a therapist before, but not sure how to go about doing that since I have no income. Also not sure how I’d feel talking in person about this stuff, hence this post. TLDR: Sorry for long post, suffering from social anxiety, depression, confused about sexual identity and sexual interests are becoming more unusual. Also prone to violent/aggressive behaviour and mood swings on occasion. Sorry if this post is difficult to understand or written weirdly, I find it really hard to write about this stuff. Am hoping someone could shed some light on what I could be dealing with? I know I would need to provide much more detail and visit a professional for a diagnosis, but at this point anything would be a help.

Sorry if this is so long I've got a lot to get of my chest. Right now I'm a 16 year old girl and I don't know why but I'm always horny. I've been like this since I was around 6. My mums friend gave her a box of videos once and I was searching threw them to find a Barrie video probably and I found a porn video. My mother turned it off as soon as it came on but every time she was in the bath (she couldn't leave me in the house alone) I would shut my door and turn the volume down and constantly watch the video. She used to make me leave my door open because I'd watch it that much and one time she caught me (this is horrifically embarrassing) humping a teddy bear in the same way they were in the video. This wasn't the first time though, as when I was in nursery which in England is when you're round about four, there used to be this girl in my class and she kind of introduced me to it all. She told me she learnt about pussy or something and told me to go to the toilet and all I remember is we used to sneak out of class and touch each other. This happened all the way through primary school and me and my friends would dare eachother to run eachother when we were in assembly or in the classroom reading. Once I went to the toilet with my friend and she started licking me and then she bit me really hard and I started crying but when I went home I couldn't stop thinking about it. I'm not sure about the time frame of things but I'm trying to make this as simple as possible however come to think about it I did a lot of weird shit. There was this boy who was my mums friends son and we used to go to their house a lot, me and this kid who was a year younger than me would et completely naked and he would put his dick against my hole and just rub it against me, again my mum caught us. We didn't stop though and I remember this one time he was humping me naked under the kitchen wonder where our parents were but they couldn't see us. What I'm confused about is I have quite a few memories that are blurry to me a some parts. For example, my self proclaimed cousin or whatever was fifteen at the time I was 10 and I went to his house one day and we was in his room (he was teaching me to play on his play station) when I just remember him suggesting that we take our clothes off. I think it's pretty obvious by now I was a sexually curious child and so I did, he lay me on the floor and put a blanket over us and I remember kissing him on the mouth but I'm not sure if he ever touched me. I remember this a lot because a few days later at school we got a magazine about consent and sexual abuse and I couldn't decide wether it was a strange thing he'd done or not. The scariest time I can think off was when I was a little younger maybe 7, and ((Come to think of it everyone I knew was creepy)) there was some guy who I used to call uncle Richard. He was maybe 30/40 and he used to be my favourite person. We used to go to his room and watch cartoons. There's a memory that is stuck in my head like it literally happened today and I remember we were cuddling on his bed and he was stroking my leg and he asked me who my favourite uncle was so I told him that it was him. I remember laying down on the bed with my legs really wide open and he told me he needed to put cream on me but I can't remember if he did, I do remember that he had his hands down his pants and was facing me and now I know he would have been jacking off but all I knew then was that my favourite 'uncle' was staring at me whilst touching his 'private parts' and then held my hand afterwards. I think a lot of things I've just admitted too are quite strange especially considering I was under the age of ten for most of them. I'm definitely aware of masturbation, and I'm always extremely horny, I masturbate ever single day, sometimes more than twice. The fantasies start of normal but as I'm about to cum I always end up on sites like motherless trying to find 'real rape' videos or real grope videos and I can't cum until something looks real. I can't cum to role play porn and afterwards I feel a little sick but it turns me on that j feel sick and sometimes I end up masturbating again. A couple months ago my friend had a birthday party and I think I'm quite mature for my age and I was sat with all the adults getting drunk and talkin about politics and shit and old movies and I started talking o her uncle. He was very intense and made very direct and scary eye contact with me at all time and it made me squeeze my legs together. He was kinda chubby and had a beard and honestly he looked like some kind of serial killer. I say on the counter top and he stood between my legs and told me about lots of gory horror films and how he loved them. We went outside and there was no chairs so we sat in a circle with his girlfriend, and my friends parents and I sat on his knee and he kept stroking my back. I could feel the sexual tension. But because I'm normally strange and have these fantasies I thought it was just me. He took me in the garden give me a beer and a cigarette and told me to stare into his eyes. I did, and he kept biting his lip and telling me he thought I was pretty. I knew this was real and I was kinda creeped out because there's a difference between a secret fantasy you're ashamed of and a real life situation where a 35 year old man with a girlfriend is hitting on you, a 16 year old girl at a party. I told him I was going upstairs because I was getting light headed and a little weirded out. I went into my friends room and lay on the bed. I was hoping he'd come up and when he did I got freaked out because he had actually came up. He came in her room and shut the door, (the scariest part) and sat down close to me. He told me to kiss him and I said just started at him and he grabbed my face and started making out with me. My tummy literally dropped and I wanted to kiss back but he was 35! His girlfriend and my friends were downstairs and I would regret it. He was the same age as my dad. I pulled away and he grabbed me back and started kissing me more and his fingers slowly made their way to the outside of my knickers and I felt his fingers and I knew that if he knew how wet I was, we would have ended up fucking. I elbowed him and ran downstairs and about half an hour later after I told my friends, my other friends came downstairs and said he tried to kiss her but he didn't and that was all. I told them all what happened (minus me being wet and finding it hot) but turns out his girlfriend hears the whole thing and I nearly started crying. I broke them up, not sure if they're together now, but he wouldn't come down from upstairs and kept telling her it was bullshit and I made a move on him. He came downstairs and I pulled the cover up to my chin and he stopped walking and just stared at me with his psychopath eyes and I got so damn wet again. He looked so angry at me. When I masturbate I think of his really big hands all over me, and what would of happened if I didn't elbow him and just let him take advantage of me. Am I seriously fucked up? I'm really not sure what to do or anything here? I've tried to kill myself and I've taken cocaine, ecstasy, mdma and I smoke bud without fail every day. I started college three weeks ago and I'm at severe risk of being kicked out already. I'm not sure what's wrong with me apart from the fact I hate myself and I'm very ashamed and confused. I feel like I'm sexually/emotionally fucked up and I'm not quite sure what to do, or what anyone else should do with this information. Am I abnormal? Am I just fucking weird? Also I've had sex with one person but apparently I was very 'bitey' and before I lost my virginity I only met him three times (over the space of two years) and I got extremely drunk because I was that nervous. Sorry for any grammatical errors was trying to get this out as quick as possible.

Is there such a definition? I'm starting to think it was happened to me, a handful of years ago when I was about 12y/o. The other person had authority over me and was 35y/o. There was no direct touching. But I still hate what he did. Again there was no touching, no violence, lot's of absolute fear, Could this be sexual abuse?

I was different when I was younger, but in a somewhat troubling way. My anxiety at the time in regards to certain things--specifically sexual things--is what has been on my mind lately. I was wondering if I may have a repressed memory deep within me or if something else is what caused this all. As a young kid, even at age four and five, I was always covering up, even in front of my mother (according to her). After baths, I'd come downstairs in only a towel and my grandfather (who we lived with at the time) would chase after me because he knew I was afraid of him seeing my penis. This made be scared and uncomfortable each time I took a bath. At age five, during a doctor's appointment, I remember being very uncomfortable about him examining me. When I was four, I was playing with clay and made a clay model of a penis, and though my mom laughed, I think back to this and cringe, realizing that the model penis I made was a bit inappropriate for me to be making at that age. When my father taught me how to pee standing up, I saw his penis and got very upset and ran away. I'm still disturbed by that moment. At around four years old, I had a sexual "fantasy" that I reenacted by myself in which my entire preschool class had to be examined by the teacher. To me it sounds strange, and certainly inappropriate for a four-year-old to be fantasizing about. During preschool, I refused to use the bathroom, and to this day I won't use public restrooms. Not because they're gross, but because they make be uncomfortable and paranoid. The only time I was willing to go to a public bathroom was when I was seven years old, in camp, because I thought it was fun and strangely arousing to be in the bathroom when all the other kids were in there. I remember being in the park at around five or six years old and seeing a very young kid--no more than two years old--naked in the sprinklers. After seeing that, I was very disturbed and upset by it.... I'm not exactly sure why, but seeing it depressed me. Finally, I had an intense fear of losing my mother. But looking back, it was much more complex than what a kid feels when their mother leaves for work or drops them off at school. When my mom and I separated, I would be upset because I was afraid of her getting lost, dying, or getting hurt. I was afraid for her being on her own. This is where things get a little abstract. There's one dream I have in which I'm able to demand my dream to show me the "source of my anxiety." Doing so, I expect something insightful so that I may know what caused by anxiety disorders and other problems. In that moment, I'm overcome by flashing images that eventually wake me up in a panic. I see Ronald McDonald (though I've never in my life been afraid of him or any clowns), a crying moon (for some reason, I am intensely afraid of the moon in my dreams...), and myself as a toddler, with mutilated genitals and my grandfather whimpering in the background. I also whimper myself, almost feeling the pain I see. What's interesting about the crying moon is that when I was in my early childhood, I was afraid of the moon. This conscious fear has gone away, but it returns in my dreams. I have no idea why I was so afraid of the moon and why it would appear to me when I asked my dream to show me something as complex as the source of my anxiety. I hope this wasn't too long, for I condensed a lot of it. I'd like to point that I have very mild Asperger's, which may affect this all. I know I only gave so much information, but is it possible that there's a repressed memory deep within me? My conscious and subconscious experiences and feelings lately have been telling me that this is the case, but I have a lot of doubt within me.... I'd be so thankful for some input right now! Sorry if this is in the wrong forum, I had no idea where to put something like this.

Hi, I am a 17 year old boy. For about a year now, I have had intrusive thoughts which I find very difficult to control. I obsess about whether i'm a pedophile, whether I am sexually attracted to children. I have a girlfriend, we have been going out for almost 8 months. I am very sexually attracted to her and we have a great sex life. Recently though these thoughts have become worse, and when I see young girls I usually question myself about whether I'm attracted to them or not. Then on the few occasions that I can control the thoughts and convince myself I just have a disorder, I then start to obsess about whether all pedophiles start off feeling like how I feel. I find myself noticing that I've looked at a young girl and questioning whether I choose to do it or not. I have also noticed that these thoughts are more frequent when I have allot of time to myself, or at night when i'm trying to get to sleep. All this makes me extremely distressed, I can't tell my girlfriend because I'm worried what she'll think. She could leave me in disgust. I am generally a anxious person, and my friends and family say I over think things allot. I have stopped smoking weed because I found my thoughts are even more uncontrollable. When I'm stoned my obsessions are only deeper and more consuming. I occasionally have intrusive thoughts about jumping off a cliff, or cutting myself or sexual thoughts about family but I can usually brush past these, dismissing these as stupid. These things to me don't seem quite as horrible as being attracted to young children. I understand that in order for these thoughts to go away I have to react to them calmly and accept them, but I find this very hard. I find it hard to accept these thoughts because I worry about the effects this might have. If I'm having these thoughts and accepting them, then what is the difference between me and a pedophile. What I need to know is are there any good techniques for controlling my mind better, making myself act calmly? do I need therapy to sort this out If so, considering I live in the UK is this therapy free and will my parents have to know about it? I'd really appreciate any help/advice anyone can give me. This is really ruining my life at the moment. I find it hard to sleep sometimes if I can't shut these thoughts out.