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Hi this is my first time writing here and I think I need some help. I have written a long one. This is almost for the first time I m mentioning everything at once. Thank you I want to talk about my small dick. I m really affected by it ever since I realised I had a small dick. About me, I m 20 year old and I have a penis of about 4 inches erect and flaccid just looks really embarrassing. I think its about all the sexual problems I have along with my small dick. When I was in 5th grade, I was molested by a guy in his late 20s. He forced himself on me and started making out and he didn’t let go off my hand. I remember it very clearly. I ran and puked it out. I didn’t know who to tell this too. So I kept it as a secret. When I got in 7th grade, my uncle had started living in my house, we later started sharing a room together. I was a fat kid back then, he used to sleep next to me and would press my chest and pull them and rub his hands. He would also spank me whenever he would feel like and hold me from behind. I always felt uncomfortable but never understood what it was. I started pushing him back and once even told my dad about it, he just laughed it off. In later years, I would fight him if we touch me. I also never masturbated properly. Since I was a kid I would hump on the bed, I still do. I feel really filthy about it but I m sort of addicted of it and cannot stop doing it like that. I m trying to stop it right now in my life. Back to school. When I was still in school all was fine and I wasn’t worried about my dick cause I would always feel it would grow more. But during my 10th grade I realised I had a small penis and from there my series of lying and low self esteem begin. My first girlfriend was the first one to see my dick. Other than her nobody else had ever seen it. (Ofc except family) I was still hoping my dick would grow. She didn’t understand how small my dick was because she had no idea about sizes and we also didn’t indulge in sex, so size was not a question. We broke up soon. Later I found out about Omegle the website where people masturbate or chat on video online. I started seeing man, boys with really big dicks. I didn’t stand a chance against them. So I started acting as a girl online. I would press my chest together to make it seem like a boobs. And I would show strangers my ass and would act like a submissive bottom. I had no idea about what I was doing. I didn’t completely liked it but it felt like atleast I could satisfy someone. I felt like I would never be able to go out with a girl with a dick so small. So I thought I would go out with men and offer to be their bottom because my dick cannot satisfy anyone ! So when I was 17, I started using grindr. I started talking to a lot of men who would say filthy things about me and humiliate me and I would enjoy and would want more of that chat but when it came to taking action I was really scared. So I would just delete the app whenever someone would tell me to come to their place. Until one day, I finally decided to go. He was in his 40s and I don’t remember what he looked like. At first when we started I couldn’t handle it and started crying and bleeding. Then I was almost done and about to go home when we put me on the bed and started thrusting his dick again. I didn’t want to disappoint him so I just screamed and asked him not to stop till he came and after he did, I was broken, I didn’t have in me to stand straight. I hated it. It sucked. But only that felt like the right thing. All my friends had girlfriend and had sex life. I didn’t have any so I started lying about it. I would make relatable comments that would make me feel included. I also made up a girlfriend and pretended that she cheated on me or some other reasons to other people. That lie still haunts me. People still think she was my girlfriend. I started just being a very private person after I turned 18 and would just lie about things to pretend to be normal. I met a girl when I was around that age. She later became my girlfriend. I was really scared of showing her my penis but when I did she was really nice about it. She didn’t once make me feel like anything were wrong with me. I felt really comfortable in my skin for the first time in life. Last year December we broke up and things haven’t been same. I was really jealous that once she will have sex with other guys she would hate me. Make fun of me. And the first time she had sex with someone all I was thinking about is how little she must have felt when she was with me. How she could have done way better than me. After the break up I downloaded grindr again and went out with a guy. Later, I went to an orgy where I took meth and ghb and 2 dudes fucked me. I really don’t think I m sexually attracted to men. Everytime, even when I was 17 and saw the men for first time, I was a little high. I just wanted to feel used and validated by somebody. I knew their validation wouldn’t mean anything sober and I wouldn’t be able to take it sober. So I had to be a little numb. I have a fear I cannot satisfy anyone and that makes me do all of this. After the orgy, I was really really high. I couldn’t feel much although it hurt a lot, I was just numb. Yesterday night, I went out with a guy again. I was again high on drugs and ended up tripping on his bed. At some point I was really drugged and he was just trying to insert his dick in me and it felt very off. I couldn’t believe all of my life choices ended up to this. I really wish I had a bigger dick and these problems wouldn’t exist. I have more to share but this feels good for now. I read many peoples post in here, thank you for helping with some motivation.

i have a vore fetish (and also many others, yet vore could be considered my "main fetish") i started getting into it when i was 11. it started with some soft, harmless vore i saw on deviantart, then i started getting interested in more heavy stuff, like anal vore, inflation, and even scat for a while (i guilt tripped myself into never jerking off to that though, yet i still get some thoughts about it) i have never been sexually abused in my entire life, i had a relatively normal childhood, and really the only problem i have is my anxiety and depression, which has only worsened by my fetish. my parents are extremely strict and i am extremely paranoid about them finding out. i know this isnt as severe as being into cp or something, yet i still feel like my fetish extracts from my worth. sometimes i feel like i'll never be a functioning member of society because of it. i feel utterly disgusted with myself and i swear to god that i feel like ending my life everytime i masturbate. it makes me feel worthless and a waste of space, and i sometimes feel like not even trying to talk to people because i'm a sick fuck who nobody would ever date. i masturbate once a day everytime i go to sleep, its an addiction. i dont know if thats useful information but ok i dont know where i'm going with this. i just needed to vent for a bit on somewhere where i (probably) wouldnt get criticized.

Hi, I am writing this because I have been consumed by guilt and shame over something TERRIBLE that I did. Before I go into detail about what I did, I would like to share some information about myself that may be useful in understanding my situation here. I’m a straight male, currently 17, and in my senior year of high school. I was raised in an upper middle class family by two loving and supportive parents, (I’m an only child). I’ve always had a pretty great and care-free life, at least until the summer before 8th grade. This was the summer that my mother was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. I still remember the terrible feeling I got; that my world was being torn apart, when my parents sat me down and told me. I had never really had anything bad happen to me before this. Also adding to my stress, that year I got REALLY bad cystic acne that totally demolished my self-esteem, as well as any confidence I had with girls. As if it wasn’t bad enough, this was also the year I discovered internet pornography, I quickly became addicted. As time went on, my addiction grew stronger and my mother grew weaker. My addiction took up time that I SHOULD have spent with my dying mother. But no, I was too stupid to put aside my addiction. Then, my sophomore year, my mother died. I remember being picked up from school by my Uncle, they pulled me out of my 3rd period. I knew it was my mom before they told me why I was leaving. I got home and my dad told me her body was shutting down. I broke down and started sobbing. I walked up the stairs and stopped at the top trying to stop crying so I could be strong in front of her. I walked into her room and saw her laying in the bed. Her eyes were closed and I realized how weak she was. I hugged her and she held me, she was barely able to whisper “it’s ok.” I broke down in tears again, and as she held me I felt like a scared little kid again. After she died, I realized how short life was and how badly I wanted to stop my addiction. Unfortunately it only got worse. The only positive side of this story is that my acne has almost gone away, and I actually think I’m somewhat attractive now. I’ve grown more confident with girls and a some have even told me they find me attractive, but I still have never had a girlfriend. Now here’s where I REALLY fucked up. Toward the end of my junior year (around April) I started reading these fictional sexual stories online about adults having sex with underage kids. Let me say that I’m NOT attracted to kids and would NEVER accept behavior like this in real life. The only reason I could get off on these stories was due to the taboo nature. It was wrong, I knew that, and it made it exciting. Then over the summer, I did something even worse. I looked up pictures of little girls (usually around 10) and masturbated to them. I did this a few times. It WAS NOT child porn. Just pictures of young girls I found on images, not sexual in nature. I could never watch child porn and the thought makes me want to vomit. I knew it was wrong and yet I did it anyways. I stopped, and haven’t done it in months, but now that I reflect on my actions I am absolutely appalled that I did something like this. I feel like a total monster. I don’t deserve to be happy. I don’t deserve to be alive, and I would honestly kill myself but I don’t want to do that to my dad, he’s lost too much already. Even though I’ve never viewed CP, I feel guilt like I have. Even though I’ve never molested anyone nor wanted to, I feel guilty like I have. I don’t know how I was OK with doing these things, and am unsure why I am just now realizing how wrong it was. Not to mention I think one of the pictures was of a girl around 6. I’ve struggled with social anxiety and depression before I did these disgusting things , but my shame has exacerbated these issues. I’ve self harmed before as well, both as a release of emotion and as self-punishment for what I’ve done. I’m not a pedophile but have been comparing myself to them. I’ve been getting a LOT of instrusive thoughts and cannot stop obsessing about my mistakes. I’ve broken down in tears and have come close to a panic attack on multiple occasions due to my shame and guilt. Had I done these bad things when I was younger, (like 13) I would have been able to forgive myself, as I would’ve thought it to be sexual experimentation. But since I’m 17, this is not an excuse. I CANNOT move past this and whenever someone is talking to me or says I am a good person all I can think is ”if you knew what I’ve done you’d want to kill me”. I want to get a girlfriend, get married, and have kids, but I fear confessing these things to her someday. Had it been a “normal” porn addiction, I wouldn’t have as much shame, but because I read these stories and looked at these pictures, it’s not “normal”. It’s despicable. I’ve read a lot about OCD and obsessive/intrusive thoughts lately, and thought maybe that’s why I’m feeling guilty. Then I remember that I actually DID something, which is different than just having a thought. I want to die. Please help. PS sorry about the long post I just really had to get this off my chest.

A great life story, inspirational not only for people with Indigenous heritage: http://www.cbc.ca/radio/campus/this-is-what-happens-when-you-steal-people-s-land-1.4038564

Ever since highschool I have often had months at a time where I was very depressed and had real trouble having contact with other people. I'd lock myself away from the world or find ways to lose myself in another way. There was someone who I could talk to, which made me feel understood but did not help me find back my positivity. Until I found someone who could truly help me. She knew a lot about life and always seemed to understand. Until a few years ago she stopped helping people. I been looking for someone like her, but now I found out one of her students has started for himself. I am really glad to have found someone who can do the same. If he is half as good as she was, I might be getting better. She helped me quit smoking and I never started again, but I coul use some positivity again in my life. I just want to share this with others I hope someone might be helped by this. It's a Dutch guy who speaks English, works through phone and internet I think, have a look www.thewhole.net cosphi

I recently made a big old screw up. Like the budgeting went all wrong sort of screw up. We had just finished moving and a lot of the numbers were changing and I got out of the habit of going to meetings and I would up assuming that everything was going to be okay with my numbers. In denial. Then I got secretive, ( which I wasn't able to identify that I was at the time). And eventually, everything came to a head. So my husband is a little more than a little livid. Which is totally understandable. I really messed up. ( and my roommate is also getting some of the flack from this). The house is very hot right now and my husband is mad and being antagonizing. I know this is my fault and I'm going to have to get back to meetings to get back to basics, but I didn't know about how to deal with stuff in the meantime? Like, if he makes a sarcastic comment, what is the best way to go about responding? Thanks everyone!

So therapy really does like to bring things to the surface, and that's been great. I'm in the middle of switching therapists because I fell in love with my last one. It was very eye-opening. Would like to share some stuff in the hopes of obtaining some insight. Perhaps someone might have some thoughts or see some pattern I am not quite seeing. I am a fetishists - of the feederism variety - and have been for as long as I can recall (Mb 5 or 6 years old). I seems to have heard that there is some sort of correlation between abuse and fetishism, but I don't know that it applies to me. I masturbated a lot, at least what I would consider a lot now. To try to quantify, it went from 4-5 times in one session to up to about 17. Ending on an odd number or an even number had meaning - though I can't quite recall what. As a got to my early teens, I would masturbate with my clothes on while playing video games or watching tv while alone in my room. Would sometimes masturbate so much/ quickly that I would bleed. It got to tiresome at points because I would spend two hours after going to bed trying to find the perfect masturbatory equation where I could fall asleep. It would start off as pleasurable, but eventually the refractory periods became too long and it was just tiresome. I persisted to climax no less than 5 times each night. Usually it was between 7- 12 times. I know that that sort of self-exploration is natural, intellectually. However, I did get scolded by my mother on at least one occasion that I recall. Does this seem curious as a pattern? Or perhaps I am looking too deep because of the shame from my fetish and upbringing.

I am making my way through my second month of sobriety (mostly for alcohol, but also some drug problems as well). It has been going really well so far and I kind of feel like it rough going through all those aa meetings. I'm also going to smart meetings as well, which I really like. I'm glad I got diagnosed by a clinician, because otherwise the denial probably would have caught up to me by now. I like, in a certain way, all the things that aa has brought me, but part of me would rather just not drink and go back to the way things were before. I guess it's just that sobriety forces me to do uncomfortable things. I also have some issues with social anxiety. I just don't think they are that bad. I just avoid things that will be too uncomfortable. I guess that's part of the problem. Some days I just wish people would leave me alone and let me just die, but that is on my more dour days. I am otherwise much more cheerful. Does anyone else get that feeling where when something goes wrong and the anxiety kicks in and you literally want to die? I'm thinking that's why I'm avoiding stuff right now- because I remember such vivid feelings of wanting to die associated with social rejection. But I have been doing a lot more social stuff lately and the feelings have not been so intense or extreme. I would love to hear about different "baby steps" people have used to get over their anxiety. One of the things I have started doing is txting people from aa. That's a pretty huge step for me. Thanks for reading.

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