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Found 6 results

  1. Im starting to have old panics today i went to lunch with my dad and brother and we went to this cool nature reserve and now im just in full panic cause i feel my dad is doing this cause he doesn't know how much time he has left with us his brothers all died in there fiftys hes fifty one now. He gave me a photo of when he was younger.hes doing all these good things for people feeding and giving water to homeless he even talks about losing his memory to old age.i cant live without him.we treated eachother badly at a time in my life.but if he goes i want to go to.my mother has my siblings i cant be without my dad even if i am closer to my mom.but if i just went in a few months from now maybe i coukd just remember both my parents and family as alive.i always. Screw up on things so i dont want to try but if i could find a way could i do it?i just wonder.
  2. please help i want to die i don't know what i'll do if trump wins the election i'm gay and i'm so worried what's the point of living in a ruined country today is a good day to die don't you think who'll miss me am i right?
  3. I hope somebody would prove me wrong but I think this is a waste of time....though I hope somebody could help me. I am in deep pain - the reason is that, due to a number of circuimstances, I am bound to live alone for the rest of my days. The truth is that I need a person, someone I can love, and hug, and keep close to me, to be the center of my world, I need a person, an ''engine'' that would motivate me to live and breathe....and I can't have that. Now my only motive to live is not making my parents burry my lifeless corpse, not too soon. And I'm stuck living with my soul shattered, dead. Only the thought of such live is hurting me - sometimes the pain is so much that I feel it physicaly, too. I tried to talk to my parents and I expected them to understand and support me but my father mocked me and called me ''girly'' or ''whiner''. My best friends aren't any different.I am left alone in my room, writing this and crying quietly so my parents can't hear me, hopefully. Cuz if they do they'll start mocking me again how I ''overreact''...I have 2 attempts on my life til now and I've decided that if I get to the point of emotional pain that brought me to the decision of the previous 2 attempts, I'll make a 3rd - and the 3rd time would be the last....
  4. Please, help me. I am a teenage boy who lives in the US. I'm fairly intelligent (my IQ is around 130, albeit IQ is somewhat debatable in its telling of intelligence). I have a high number of friends and I'm liked by my community. However, I am a very mentally stable person. Due to suffering from bullying when I was a child, I suffer from a generalized anxiety disorder. I also have an at times hard to control rage, which I try to hide from those who are close to me in order to not concern them. I am an extremely fearful person, and I am quite prone to fear mongering; it can prompt me to become absolutely petrified for hours at a time. My fears also frequently overtake my rationality; I once feared that I had a brain tumor for multiple weeks, then feared that I was sociopathic for around a month. I have experienced a fair amount of loss in my life, most prominently within the past few years of my life. I lost two close relatives within a few months. Additionally, someone who I was getting to know committed suicide somewhat recently, which was a somewhat traumatizing experience. Recently, my stress has been at an all-time high. I am currently having an internal conflict over whether or not God is real, of which I am right in the middle. While I used to be Catholic, I left the church for various reasons. I disagreed with them about some things, felt extremely uncomfortable due to being pansexual (attracted to men, women, transgendered people, etc.), and was unsure why an all-loving God would allow there to be so much evil in the world. I now have an extreme fear of hell, but I also am not sure if I can believe in a God, or if doing so is at all rational. I feel like an abomination due to my sexuality, as well. I am also becoming very paranoid about terrorism and conspiracy theories. I am getting over the conspiracies due to how irrational the vast majority of them are; however, I still fear terrorism immensely. ISIS is what scares me the most. I fear that they may be winning, and that they will succeed in killing everyone who disagrees with them. I have minor fear when going outside or being in crowds as a cause of my fears. My biggest fears are things I cannot control; tensions between nations, terrorism, world problems, and potential asteroid impacts are just a few examples. I am also scared about the potential of me dying, or witnessing atrocities happening. At times, I enter this almost "manic" state in which I cannot see any of the positive qualities of my life. I panic. My heart rate rises immensely. I tense up and feel purely fearful and sad. I cry for around half an hour to an hour, and get enraged while doing so. I fear that I may soon harm myself, or potentially even do the unthinkable. I have a therapist, but I'm scared to mention this stuff to him because I don't want anyone to be concerned over me. Please, if possible, help me. Thank you for your time.
  5. I don't know what to do. I feel like no matter what happens things are always going to go wrong. I'll start off by giving you a summary of my life I guess. I've had traumatic experiences, as most people have. I've been abused by my dad growing up. My parents are both hooked on drugs. I was raped when I was five and molested when I was fourteen. I've had three people close to me murdered. One being my cousin when I was eleven, a childhood friend when I was twelve, and I just recently discovered that my aunt's death was also a murder when she passed back in january. I'm always having to watch people I love suffer and die along with having to deal with my own mental issues. I've had hallucinations since I was little and they used to not be a big deal. I would see animals when I was a child and follow them out to random places. They stopped for a while and then came back when I was thirteen. Being nineteen now, I thought I had gotten a grip on my mental issues, but the hallucinating and anxiety is getting worse and more terrifying. I have visual and audible hallucinations of people, animals, blood, and voices telling me to give up or hurt myself. I've been to the hospital twice for extreme panic attacks, self injury, and suicide attempt. I feel like I'm being overwhelmed and there's nothing I can do to stop it. I do see a therapist, but that hasn't done anything for me. I need to figure out a way to handle this on my own before I end up doing something to hurt myself. I'm working two jobs with hardly any down time. I just moved out on my own. I'm trying to do well for myself but these issues are holding me back and it's not healthy. I've been vomiting every day for three months due to stress and I've lost a lot of weight. I've been to the doctor for it but, after running several tests, they said that because it's stress induced that there isn't anything I can do about it. I'm afraid. I feel like I'm falling apart and I've done everything I can think of. I really need to figure out what to do before it's to late... Thanks in advance for any help you can give me.
  6. Hello everyone. I'm here because I want to tell my story. I really need to get this out and many of these things have never been told to anyone except my diary. I'm a 24 year old female who's dealt with depression, ADD, eating disorders, self-mutilation and drug addiction for most of my life. My father, the only man in my life who loved, supported and was affectionate to me, suddenly passed away a couple months ago from a massive heart attack. To say the least, it was devastating and has changed me. I have been feeling very depressed and emotionally desperate for attention and support lately. I have always been the strong one, my sister was always the emotional/dramatic one. I feel myself crumbling when left alone to think. I get lost in thoughts that are nothing but hopeless, it drags me further into isolation and away from getting help. I am scared to live in some ways and also scared to die. Being faced with my own mortality after my Father's passing has made more driven to accomplish more and build a new life for myself. However, I feel crippled because I can't speak out and talk about what has happened to me in the past, particularly my dark side and the guilt I feel. I was an overweight child who wasn't diagnosed with ADD and given a prescription until my junior year of highschool. I was teased all the time and yearned to be thin and accepted. I was ignored and unimportant when I was overweight, I was uncool. I began taking ADD meds mainly because they made me lose weight and helped me wake up in the morning. I was so depressed I would fake sick all the time to avoid going to school, I also couldn't wake up in the mornings because I stayed up all night. I abused my medication and began to experiment with anorexia. I didn't like starving myself because food was a comfort for me, so I became bulimic when I was 17. The bulimia worked like a charm, I dropped the weight fast. The problem was keeping it off. I started to exercise obsessively until I ended up losing over 45 pounds in a 3 month period. Suddenly, I was liked and accepted at school. The boys who used to taunt me an call me fat were now flirting with me and checking me out. It really ruined my self esteem because I hated what I was doing to myself but I was satisfied that I was finally getting attention. I started to cut myself on my legs when the emotions were so strong and overwhelming that I couldn't sleep and all I could think about was killing myself or running away. Soon, I turned to drugs to help cope with the damage I was doing to myself with my eating disorders. I started smoking weed, experimented with cocaine, ecstasy and mushrooms. I was stealing money from my parents and selling my clothes to get money for drugs. I became more reckless and looked for any drugs to ease my pain and give me an escape. Sex also became another drug for me to abuse. I lost my virginity to one of my sister's friends in his garage when I was 17, he was also my pot dealer. I became promiscuous and wasn't safe with some sexual partners. I ended up getting the HPV virus because of this. That was also very emotionally damaging because I had to talk to my parents about it and deal with the shame and responsibilities of having an STD. It is still something that haunts me to this day. A couple of things happened that eventually ended up contributing to breaking my vicious cycle of self-abuse. One of my friends who I had known since the 6th grade ended up accidently overdosing on oxycontin and alcohol the weekend before the first day of college started for us. The teacher of my first scheduled class in college read my friends name off the class attendance list. My heart dropped because no one answered and I knew why. I was already emotional unhinged and now that one of my friends suddenly died from an drug overdose, I pretty much lost it. I really let myself go after that. I checked out emotionally and physically and I ended up failing my first year of college. I really hit rock bottom when I was waking up not knowing what happened the night before except for short time lapses. I also fell in love with a pick-up artist who promised me the world and instead went on to lie, cheat and rip out my heart when I was only 21 and he was 28.(I knew him since I was 10 yrs old and he was my next door neighbor.) He destroyed any ounce of self-respect I had left and crushed my hopes of finding real love and being happy. He made me question everything about myself- Who I was and why. What was my purpose of living? Since then, I quit all the drugs except for pot. I became an A student and have been pursuing my dream of being a professional artist. I stopped partaking in my eating disorder and found a boyfriend who supported and accepted me. I found myself feeling normal and not depressed. It was amazing for awhile but now things have changed. Back to where I started...my Dad unexpectedly passed away a couple months ago. It has emotionally unhinged me yet again. I feel like I'm back to where I was years ago. I feel myself wanting to hurt myself, wanting to do anything to get rid of the pain and emptiness in my heart. I have an urge to scratch myself and watch myself bleed when I'm in moments of high anxiety and sadness. I have purged a few times when I'm feeling overwhelmed. I find myself obsessing about the relationship with my boyfriend and the validity of our love. I find negative in everything and I obsess. I am very hard on myself.. I feel very alone and have been thinking about suicide again. It's so scary having thoughts like these on a regular basis and feeling like no one understands. I feel like I can't talk to anyone. I'm not close with my family. My boyfriend is the only person who talks to me on a regular basis but even he doesn't understand what I've been through. I don't know what to do anymore and I'm desperate for answers but don't want to speak up about myself. I feel like people don't want to talk about "depressing" things and avoid conversations about it. I have many "friends" but no one who I can truly open up to and pour my heart out. I'm crippled with fear, sadness and lonliness and I hate that. Where do I even start?
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