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My teenage daughter has always been very picky but in the last year and a half, it’s like pulling teeth getting her to eat. She just doesn’t have an appetite. I suspect the causes of the almost zero appetite are depression and anxiety, made worse by lockdown. I don’t think it is anorexia because she has always been below average weight for her height and would most certainly be the thinnest girl I have ever known. I have read that the worst thing you can do to get an anorexic to eat is to keep asking them to eat. I suspect the same for her, even though I don’t think it is anorexia. Any ideas on how to get a teen to eat and gain weight in a healthy manner? (Other than getting professional help for anxiety and depression, which I’m already doing).

Anyone here who has OCD or has good knowledge about it..? I'd like to talk with such people and share a bit of myself. My OCD involves violence and many intrusive things...

So I was on .5mg of risperidone and 100mg of sertraline, but I was having some side effects. The risperidone caused me to gain a lot of weight and the sertraline um... decreased libido. I was rlly unhappy with this and complained to my psychiatrist. She switched me to 1mg Guanfacine and 50mg sertraline. So my problem is that 2 days after I started, I started having dry mouth (a side effect of guanfacine apparently) and I had an anxiety attack bc I was afraid I was getting diabetes. I've gotten over that but I still have dry mouth and have been feeling a lot more anxious than I used to before switching. I'm really not happy with how I'm feeling (the dry mouth sucks and I hate it and having an anxiety attack for a week isn't fun either) I fear that the dry mouth side effect will never go away and I'm also scared that Ill never find a medicine that'll help me or that I'll have to go back on risperidone (bc again, weight gain is not what I need) please help me, thanks!

What should I do? I feel like my life has no purpose anymore. My parents and friends ignore me, I barely ever see my family, and I normally am locked up in my room (I lock myself in) to skip school. I don't eat and am falling behind in studies. My best friend recently committed suicide and I just want to see her again, not in a picture. Help. I feel there is only one solution to my neverending grief, anxiety, and depression.

Hi, This is my first post ever to a forum like this ... kinda nervous! I have discovered in the past 2 months that I am suffering quite badly from anxiety ... but the past few weeks it has gotten increasingly worse. I'm 19 y/o and female. The circumstances that have made it worse are these - I live with my boyfriend at uni, but I am home for summer now and I don't handle being away from him so well, I spent almost every day of the past year with him, and having to suddenly have that taken away is really hard for me, especially when our communication is limited due to the business of his life at home (he lives a 3 hour train journey away) - I'm constantly paranoid that he is becoming less interested in me, which I know isn't true! But this paranoia is something that I have found to come along with my anxiety. I feel that it may be putting stress on our relationship, and yes we've discussed it and we've set some ground rules to help us, but I'm the kind of person who feels like I always mess things up, and this is the one thing I do not want to mess up as I feel it's the only thing I have right now (and it's kind of a perfect thing). Most days are bad ... especially at nighttime, I don't have many friends, in fact I only have 2 including my boyfriend - therefore I feel bad constantly telling them about all of this... This is quite a long post and I didn't expect it to be so I'm just gonna sum up how I feel right now; I feel a heaviness in my chest yet an emptiness at the same time, I'm constantly worried about one thing or another, I feel sick quite a lot of the time, I cry myself to sleep most nights and I just feel bad about myself ... I should also probably add that I suffer from OCD, which I feel definitely doesn't help my anxiety ... I'm planning to go to a doctor once I get back to uni but that's not for another month, so I was wondering if anyone on here would be able to help and give me ways to cope with this until that point? Thank you

Ok so my girlfriend and I are both 16 and she goes to parties nothing excessive or anything above normal but she does drink a bit. Not like alcoholic but just like a normal teenager would. Now for some reason when she drinks at parties I get really nervous. Like super high anxiety and I just feel genuinely upset and I don’t know how to deal with this because she’s not doing anything wrong and I don’t want to make her feel bad by saying something. ( we have been talking about it together tho) I was In an abusive relationship (mental/emotional,physical) with my father I wouldn’t label him as an alcoholic but he definitely has a serious drinking problem. Maybe he is I’m not really to sure just looking for some coping advice for when my girlfriend wants to go out and have a good time and I have a panic attack and get really upset. Also I’m sorry if I was unclear just spewing out my thoughts; if any clarification is needed please let me know. Thank you for any advice.

I want to formally introduce myself. I am 28 years old and I have done a B.E. 4 year degree program in Electrical Engineering and an M.E. 2 year degree program in Electrical Engineering from a prestigious institution in my country. I started my profession immediately after my post graduation and so far have 4 years of experience working in different leading enterprises, incorporatives, companies and organizations. I have worked in 8 organizations and I am faced with a unique dilemma as this has never happened before and should have at least not have happened to me. Having an I.Q. of 140 according to Mensa International, I began to utilize my intelligence according to much higher levels of philosophical, ideological, sociological and theological perspectives of existence trying to keep a stable balance of a foundational equilibrium between Optimism, Idealism, Rationalism and Existentialism. After integrating myself with genuine intellectuality and original sophistication I decided to upgrade my mental and physical abilities with personality and behavior in order to improve myself. I wanted to improve my education, qualification, sophistication and facilitation along with my skills, abilities, talents and potentials. I believe that in order to become an integral member of society that puts a positive impact on the world or the path towards goodness is achievable by understanding and learning the difference between good and evil or right or wrong and using that knowledge or information to formulate your morality by which you can build your empathy, altruism, compassion and kindness in an unbiased fashion that is not dependant on a desire or a wish for a reward or recognition or respect or retribution or even redemption. I am a multidimensional allrounder with multiple personality positive types and traits. I have got open mindedness to experience; I am very conscientious, extraverted, showing high tendency of agreeableness, with humility, balanced self esteem, balanced tendency to get perfectionism and I utilize all forms of learning styles like synthesis analysis, methodical study, fact retention and elaborative processing. I also have a fairly balanced personality in regards with sensation, intuition, thought, feeling, emotion, warmth, reasoning, liveliness, consciousness, conscientiousness, social boldness, sensitivity, and vigilance. I am a Type A personality with all four temperaments like Sanguine, Choleric, Melancholic and Phlegmatic joined together in a multifarious network that projects my behavior in different permutations and combinations of random and complex variables that display my identity in a unique or different manner in specific kind of situations, but majority of the time I make an effort or take an initiative to synchronize with my surrounding environment without negotiating the foundational structure of my moral integrity. I try to practice the seven virtues of chastity, temperance, charity, diligence, patience, kindness and humility. I make an effort and take initiative in integrating and assimilating myself with positive emotions like affection, confidence, contentment, courage, curiosity, desire, empathy, gratitude, happiness, hope, interest, joy, love, passion, trust and wonder. I am living among people who have a narrow perspective of life. I believe you should not underestimate other people and not judge others lest you be judged yourself. I didn’t get time to indulge myself in the finer things in life because I was too busy working hard in progressing and evolving into a more knowledgeable person who understands the difference between good and evil and right and wrong and uses empathy and altruism as well as compassion and kindness to make this world a better place. I wasn’t allowed to watch television or film or use computer or internet in my student days and I have never had fun in my life. I have worked in 8 organizations out of which 2 were of international level. I am writing Doctoral thesis and post-doctoral research papers for Engineers, Doctors, Scientists, Technologists, Physicists, Mathematicians, Chemists and Biologists. I am the founder of my "Martial Arts Institution And Organization". I invented the first Robot Doctor on artificial intelligence that works better than a human doctor in diagnosing minor diseases and illnesses, I am the founder of my own rock band, worked in radio as a DJ and RJ, wrote an encyclopedia book on Martial Arts. I have 8 black belts in different styles of martial arts like Kung fu, Taekwondo, Aikido, Jujutsu, Karate, Ninjutsu, Savate and Muay Thai Kick Boxing, I am 7 times national champion in Gymnastics and 9 times national champion in Kung fu, 2 times national selector and 2 times national judge, I have written my first rock album and my first rap album and I am also a maker of documentaries and films so what I am trying to say is that I didn’t make all of these achievements while sitting in my room as some arrogantly ignorant and obliviously naïve people think. In order to become a genuinely intellectual and originally sophisticated individual, I had to study really firm and had to work very hard to read thousands of books on a multidimensional allrounder level on a diverse variety of all academic disciplines ranging between arts, humanities, social sciences, pure sciences, natural sciences and applied sciences to understand how this world really works. I believe that in order to formulate new ideas you have to join the old ones together in a fusion hybrid to gain broader perspective. I believe that in order to invent new things you have to indulge yourself in innovation, creativity, research, development, exploration, discovery, manufacturing and design. This is how I live my life and I am very successful in it. Remember success is not measured by the amount of money that we have accumulated but by the amount of contribution that we have made to society by helping our fellow man. I have done plenty with the grace of God. That’s why I am affiliated with 8 NGOs. I know that I have worked very hard in my life studying and working 16 to 18 hours a day and after being an educated, qualified, sophisticated, facilitated individual with high level of skills, abilities, talents, potentials, wisdom and intelligence and massive stages of knowledge and information from all fields and departments of academic disciplines, I faced a lot of setbacks and things may not have appeared to work out for me at this period of time but the game is not over until it’s over right? But people just don’t stop being idiots and don’t learn how to admit their mistake and apologize for it or grow up or wake up. Unfortunately my family and my relatives do not appreciate my efforts and initiatives because they like to have a good time making fun of me and also because they want to live in their pornographic fantasy that they are the only ones who are working hard while the rest of the people are just busy violating their fathers, brothers, husbands, sons, mothers, sisters, wives and daughters. I guess haters are always going to hate no matter what you do. I like to indulge myself with innovation, creativity, research, development, exploration, discovery, manufacturing and design, but unfortunately I have limited options available over here. Let me tell you what the culture of my country is. I belong to a conservative country whose dominant religion is Islam. Now before I say anything else I don’t want anybody to stereotypically label me. There are 50 Muslim countries in the world with 1.8 billion Muslim followers and all of them are not like the way I described them; I am only talking about the people in my surrounding environment regardless of their religion, race, color or creed, but mentioning this information was a necessary application. The reason that I mentioned this truth or fact was that I want to explain how religious extremism can victimize you. I belonged to a religious conservative preacher saint family who raised me up like an altar boy. I was taught the foundations of my religion. The five pillars of Islam, Faith, Prayer, Charity, Fasting and Pilgrimage. I did all of them like a devout Muslim following the Quran, Tafseer, Tushreeh, Hadith, Sunnah, Seerah, Fiqah; all the laws and principles, all the verses from the scripture , the guidelines, the Fatwas, Philosophy, Ideology, Sociology, Theology, and even exegesis of religion; I am an unofficial student of comparative religion so I have studied other faiths as well including all major religions from Islam to Christianity, Judaism, Hinduism, Sikhism, Buddhism, Jainism, Taoism And all other major religions as well. I integrated fully with my religion, cultures, traditions, ethics, morals, etiquettes, manners, rules, regulations, principles, values, norms, decorum and system. I was trained like a gentleman from the Victorian era Renaissance period. I followed every instruction or protocol down to the last letter. I was an exemplary Muslim and then I started getting victimized by the new wave of modernism in my society, and when I began to became less conservative and more liberal of my own free will even that was not enough because then my country started going through another level of hypocrisy and a new wave of extremist islamization started infecting my country like an epidemic or pandemic. It spread like a disease or illness that had no bounds and I was then victimized because of my liberal views. I used to have a beard and I wore a traditional dress taking care of my decency and protected myself from all kinds of vices and sins. My friends used to say that this boy is so pious and saintly that angels perform ablution from his sweat. But then things changed and I was known as a loser who is a eunuch or a hermaphrodite who doesn’t know the ways of modern living. I was part of a peaceful organization dedicated to spread the message of Islam; the moderate or balanced version of it at least, it was obviously a preaching organization and I was its most forward member but then I began to notice signs of extremism and that created a problem. I was born Muslim but I did not just take Islam as my heritage dictated I embraced it of my own free will. Islam is a wonderful religion if you know the right version of it. The females in our jurisdiction are programmed in the same way. Males are portrayed as potential rapists or like dogs waiting to pounce on them. A female is led to believe that males have no natural theory of selection meaning they do not have any standards and they have zero options so they would go for any female since every female is the most beautiful gorgeous hot and sexy girl in the whole world for all time so even a 95 year old woman who has decayed into a skeleton would flatter herself like that and would actually have an army of her family and relatives protecting her more than a high profile target like the British Queen because obviously every man dreams of raping a 95 year old woman right? Even when she is going to the hospital for a routine medical health analysis. But the most ironic part of this situation is that the massive level of confusion and conformity that is plaguing our nation includes people with diversity and versatility in such a way that one female cousin of mine would stay 20 feet away from me because I am a male while the other would get upset with me if I don’t kiss her in front of 20 males. Yeah, try to figure that one out. A female is taught to believe that if she speaks to any male other than her father, brother, husband or son God would strike her with lightning and she would burst into flames. I was taught that if I even looked at a female I was going to be vaporized with lightning speed. Even thinking about females was considered a sin. I liked girls from a young age and I always wanted to get married and have a family. Who doesn’t, which brings us to the issue of marriage. Before I tell you my story further, let me tell you how the system of marriage works in my country. It is obviously none other than the system of arranged marriage integrated down to its roots in any patriarchal society. The definition of arranged marriage according to my ideological philosophy is a hypocritical mechanism of a prostitution industry integrated and assimilated by the shallow and superficial rankings and ratings of financial situations and reproductive organs. Initially the system wasn’t so bad because it was based on morality and the priorities were straight, selections were made according to suitability, a boy or a girl or a man or a woman were selected according to personality and behavior rather than wealth or title. It was a great facility that was useful to the people who are not able to find a suitable spouse on their own. Now this system has been corrupted as well and the lust and greed for power and influence has destroyed the foundations of this great institution. If you even remotely have the luxury to think that you have got a fair opportunity of having the right to have an idea of a few standards and options in getting a suitable worthy marriage partner or even sending a proposal to a potential spouse in my country; you need to know that it has become more difficult than getting into NASA. Trust me I was looking at the requirements for the organization and I am eligible for it but you would be surprised that even a person like me with a great resume is getting trouble finding a wife. Marriage is now getting out of the range of all the people in the vicinity of the middle classes every second of everyday due to the misbalance in the salary and inflation with the demand and supply of a female’s ever raising expensive and luxurious tastes and her selfishness and materialism. First the only way you can get married in my country is through arranged marriage most of the time; that is where you can send or receive the best proposals; after that you’re options keep on getting lesser and with the passage of time goes down to zero. Your whole life could get destroyed just because you breathed in the wrong manner. Arranged marriages are now done in my country according to fame, fortune, wealth, property, assets, possessions, materials, politics, power and influence. For example a female does not want a man she wants a god. She would want him to have a huge set of muscles and he should be as pretty as a Hollywood actor otherwise you don’t stand a chance. Majority of the times the rich guys always win and take away the prettiest ones and then the rest are left for the lower classes. Yes, our society runs on class systems and status quos. Rank, position, standing, grade, category, group, type, order, level or stage they are all taken into measurement according to a design algorithm or a mathematical formula. Along with that religion, race, color, creed, faction, family, district, town, province, state, city, sector even neighborhood affects your variables in the statistical probability of your selection process. I am an eligible bachelor but I was rejected just because my sister got divorced; imagine that. That’s right; if any sibling inside your family gets divorced the rest of the members will not get a fair opportunity to send or receive proposals, it is an immediate disqualification. Yeah, try to wrap your head around that one. I know! If there is a hell on the face of this entire planet, it is this place. It is absolutely unfair and unjust, but that’s how a hypocritical society works. If you want to send a good proposal to a good family, you need to have at least a 90 by 90 square feet plot on which you should build a 16 bedroom mansion, with a front lawn and a back yard, 2 vehicles like a sporty and a luxury one, 8 servants and 480000 bucks per month salary. In a poor country like mine where thousands of people are dying due to starvation and living on less than a dollar a day, that is quite a luxurious demand of a female spouse from her male provider especially at the age of 24 when he has just post graduated from university. Nobody in the whole world can fulfill this demand on his own unless he is the son of a rich tycoon which proves my earlier points. What does the girl do? Nothing. Females in my country are used only as pleasure machines and off spring producing industrial factories. The faith and belief of a girl revolves around money and penis; in fact she measures the size of your penis according to the size of your bank account. She only respects 2 types of men; one whose money their under and the other whose penis their under. You have to wear a Ralph Lauren and come out of a Ferrari to be taken seriously in the higher classes and that’s where I have been all my life, now trying to fit in there is getting absolutely impossible and I can’t go anywhere else because I would not be welcome or would not even fit in because of the limitation in the mindset of their traditional circle. They only bring in people of their own kind and my kind is already quite different. Majority of the females in my part of town just eat, drink, sleep, excrete, have sex, make babies and do shopping. They treat you impolitely and furiously all the time and they behave horribly and terribly if things are not going according to their will. I always take great care of my mental and physical health and fitness, but it just doesn’t matter because at the end of the day people are still going to judge you on your natural weight and height on which you have no control. That is what I don’t understand that why in this modern day and age we are still so shallow and superficial that we judge people on their physical appearances or on any factor that you don’t even have any control over. I didn’t have any control over my sister’s relationship and neither did she yet I got punished for it. Now people have a problem with my anatomical mechanics. I have got an impressive sport record even then people think that I am weak because I have an athletic figure which is lesser than the ideal figure of WWE Wrestlers like Dwayne Johnson. Unfortunately I don’t want to become Dwayne Johnson so my natural theory of selection becomes unacceptable. Girls in my world have been brainwashed by all kinds of international media who dictates how beauty should look like but even though genuinely intellectual and originally sophisticated individuals know that beauty is a matter of relative perspective they still fall back into the same primitive patterns of finding suitable mates according to weight and height as their ancestors did thousands of years ago. My weight and height is medium and that is supposed to be ideal according to the field of medicine but it’s just not good enough for females in my jurisdiction of the world. If you look at the history of beauty, the perspectives have modified themselves on different shades and angles. 10000 years ago the concept of beauty was totally different from what we have now; a male was thought to be handsome if he had sensitive features and an athletic figure and men of larger sizes were considered unattractive and repulsive. If you need some evidence you can look at the art work from even the renaissance period and you would be able to see like as in the paintings of David and Goliath. David was made to look beautiful by his sensitive features and his athletic figure where as Goliath was made to look unattractive by showing him as a huge hulk type figure with more broader and sharper jaw line features. If you look at the famous statue of The David designed by Michelangelo you would notice that he also has an athletic figure. I in fact look just like the statue but unfortunately what was considered a sign of beauty is now unacceptable in this day and age. I guess I just ended up in the wrong timeline. Point is that there is no specific formula for measuring beauty. Scientists have tried to measure it by putting a theorem on the facial anatomy and giving it a value of 1.618. 1.618 is known as Phi (and also as the Golden Ratio, Golden Mean, Golden Section and Divine Proportion) and its mathematical cousin, the Fibonacci sequence. Things get even more complicated when you start facing problems with your job, career, business and trade. Point is I make lots of money but it is just not that good enough for my type of people. Females in my group practice what is called hypergamy which is the action of marrying a person of a superior caste or class. This puts my situation in trouble obviously. On top of that my proposals usually get rejected because the statistical probability of the future prospects of my job do not achieve an acceptable value meaning that I am being targeted for something that might have a logical basis but has no moral value. How can we predict what going to happen in the next 20 years when we don’t even know what is going to happen in the next 20 seconds. I thought a perfect relationship could be achieved by the mental and physical compatibility that synchronizes with each other’s personality and behavior at a simultaneous quantum or period of time and space. It is not a high standard but quite a simple one in which you just have to be yourself. I am not saying that money is not important but there should be a balance between your analytical and emotional paradigms and between your robotics and humanity. I know this kind of thing doesn’t happen everywhere because then we would all be in trouble. I have worked and done business with foreigners and I have talked with them and asked them lots of questions in regards with dating and marriage and they tell me a few similar things from my part of town but not so messed up as my situation. From what I have been told you don’t need to make an appointment with the security council to issue a written permission to pass a bill in the senate to offer an opportunity to interact with a member of an opposite sex. In order to talk to a girl you don’t have to plead with the father for permission. You can approach a girl and just say "What’s Up" and that would be just fine as she would not shoot you in the head. You don’t need to fulfill the 12 tasks of Hercules before getting a date with a nice girl. I always imagined and dreamed myself of one day being a groom and seeing my bride walk down the path towards me, making my parents proud and becoming an acceptable and respectable member of my society. Giving my parents grandsons and forwarding my legacy, but I guess that is not going to happen. I have been stereotypically labeled as a failed person who has inadequate masculinity and does not deserve any happiness or peace in his life. The only thing left for me now is a slow and painful death; a life of despair and loneliness. I have become a subject of humor in my relatives. They absurdly find it quite hilarious that I am still a virgin. I do not have a girl friend. I do not have the option of dating. The only way I can get near a girl is if I get married to her and that is not going to happen. There are a few other facilities but those are also not applicable and would not work because they still need the permission of your parents. My parents have technically disowned me because I wasn’t able to become the God child they always wanted. I live alone in a flat betrayed and rejected by the people I trusted and loved the most. I know how to solve these problems but taking advice from a professional is also recommended. They say even a signal to a wise person is good enough. That is what I need; I need to have the proper guidance and counseling tools to point me in the right direction which does not compromise my moral integrity. Point is that I know how to solve this problem in 24 different kinds of ways but I don’t want to lose my humanity in the process. I want to solve this but also remain truthful and honest about it. There are many people in the world who have gotten many things in life through unfair means and after having everything they still feel empty on the inside. They try to shield their hollowness by bridging the gap inside their personalities and behaviors by over compensating for their inferiority complex and low self esteem. I don’t want to be one of them. Another thing that I find quite fascinating is the insanity of looking down on somebody because of their sexual orientation or inclination. The most interesting of the ideology whose philosophical implications are tremendous is insulting, patronizing, disrespecting and humiliating someone on the basis of their sexuality stage like the phase of virginity. I have absolutely no idea why people make fun of virgins. It has no logical or rational basis. Everybody is born a virgin. It is not up to them to decide who, what, when, where, why, which and how are they going to lose it and even if it is, shouldn’t it be their prerogative. Virginity is an idea of again labeling your sexual status which is your private affair. Nobody should have the right to admonish or isolate you on that. It has become a symbol of discrimination in the whole world. The most shocking thing is that it has become a symbol of ridicule even in Islamic Muslim conservative countries like mine where fornication, adultery, promiscuity and infidelity are regarded as the most repulsive acts of human vices. Even then there are people in my neighborhood who look down upon me because I am still a virgin. That doesn’t make any sense when I do not have the luxury of even having a fair chance at interacting with a member of an opposite sex since they are all covered up in 24 layers of clothing like a Burqa or Hijab and locked in the 4 walls of the house; well at least most of them. If even I was born in a western setting or a modern secular liberal free society of a developed country, it would still be a despicable act of self indulgent behavior or narcissistic pretentiousness if someone would harass or victimize somebody based on their sexual activity. It is like attacking somebody for not living on your base instinct of eating insects for proteins so that you can have the ultimate level of survival training as a benchmark for proving your masculinity and success as a person of a higher order of society. It is like being violent with someone because he or she is not using their reproductive organs according to your preferences or standards of life that you have created to measure something that does not have any basis of measurement for anything. There is no requirement in any field or department of any academic discipline or any job, career, business or trade that you are supposed to lose virginity. No religion, cultures, traditions, ethics, morals, etiquettes, manners, rules, regulations, principles, values, norms, decorum or system requires you to lose your virginity. In fact it is considered a sign of decency and nobility. There is a double standard in this as well. If you are a virgin male you are looked down upon as a failure or a loser, while if you are a female virgin you are considered quite desirable. Although this also has 4 combinations this can be a good thing or a bad thing for both males and females depending upon the place or area of the world they are living in. On the other hand if you are a promiscuous male then you are considered to be quite accomplished even if you may not have done anything else, but if you are a promiscuous female then you are considered to be a dirty slut. It doesn’t make any sense; it’s like a Shakespearean play. To love or not to love; that is the question. Even if you do decide to have sex then who should be the person. Obviously then you have to analyze the standards and options, which then brings you back to square one. No amount of success in your life will solve this problem because people will still think that there is something wrong with you. Newton, the most influential scientist in the world died a virgin, but I don’t see anybody throwing his work out of the window. Jesus was a virgin; I don’t see any anthropologist, archaeologist, historian, poet, writer, philosopher, ideologist, sociologist or theologist targeting him on that quality. What if you do lose your virginity; what then, does that prove anything except that now you are not a virgin anymore and would that solve our problem; not really, because then you would need a regular or a permanent relationship which again has double standards and relative perspectives. Losing virginity does not signify how much regularity of sex you have and neither can anybody measure that according to any standard, because there is no equipment, instrument, gauge or device that can measure the level of satisfaction or fulfillment or happiness or peace of your relationship. Neither there is any ranking or rating or classification or categorization that can prove that your sexual proficiency in synchronization with your mental aptitude of your ultimate standard has given you the best sex you can ever have with someone. What you do with your partner mentally or physically is only acceptable according to your own understanding of your idea of a romantic involvement which is only acceptable to you on your own grounds. Jean Simmons claims to have made love to 4800 women in his 24 year music career; Justin Bieber has had sex with 40 women up till the age of 20, but then how do we measure the standards of those women and what was the satisfaction level of the sexual interactivity. So what I am trying to say is how much sex an average person should get in his lifetime to become socially acceptable. I know that there are some people out there who are genuinely in love and are having the best relationship but I also believe that sex is something that people usually get very less and it fades away really quickly. Why do you think that majority of the musicians are in business for such a long time. Why do you think that majority of the top 50 billboard songs always revolve around sex. Just think about it. The conclusions that people draw from somebody’s virginity are also very ridiculous. If somebody is a virgin, it may be due to different reasons on which he or she may not have any control or it might not be their fault to really begin with, in the first place anyway. Just think about it, if people get to know or find out that you are a virgin it is automatically judged in the most harsh manner imaginable. It is like the worst sin ever committed in human history more brutal than Adolph Hitler’s World War II that killed 48 million people. If you are a virgin you are qualified to be stereotypically labeled by the whole world on an international level according to a similar tradition of unorthodox logic, rationale, nature or instinct that you are a horrible and a terrible person who deserves to be lynched, staked, crucified, burned or vaporized due to the reason that you might be a freaky, geeky, dorky, nerdy person who might be a pervert and if he is a pervert then he might be a stalker and if he is a stalker then he might be a molester and if he is a molester then he might be a pedophile and if he is a pedophile then he might be a rapist so we should just kill him before he does anything wrong. That is how the stereotyping average regular human mind works. When you lose everything and hit rock bottom, one of the last things that go before darkness takes over you is none other than your faith. I am hanging on the last ray of hope and final string of faith. I have seen that in this loveless life of mine, everything is going to go against you. Your friends will betray you, your family will disown you, your mentors will admonish you, your teachers will humiliate you, your relatives will disrespect you, your partners will deceive you, your government would abandon you and your nation would vilify you because you did not synchronize with their hypocritical principles. On top of that your job, career, business and trade get destroyed, you start suffering from mental and physical diseases and illnesses, you lose you wealth and then your health, your fate goes rogue and your destiny becomes illusive, you become partially blind with floaters and then you start suffering from high levels of anxiety, depression, nervousness and tension and the doctors give you a death sentence that if you don’t get treated you might actually die of a nervous breakdown or a tendency to commit suicide. So if a person unfortunately gets involved in this kind of situation, I think that his faith would be one of the many things that would get negatively affected. Let’s put this thought into perspective; the ultimate question that every individual asks is why did this happen to me. The answer has many variables but the simplest one is that you were at the wrong place at the wrong time and your heredity and genetics were screwed from the very beginning resulting in a design that was following a destructive pattern of entropy from the foundation of its origin. But then the God variable comes in the form of divine intervention projecting the ideology of changing your fate by making your own destiny by showing your own resolve and praying to God that he will pardon your sins and reward you of your righteous deeds and take away your pain and suffering and make you whole again and then give you back your health and then your wealth and then your success and your purpose and your love for morality and humanity. But as it turns out, this pornographic fantasy does not work that way. I was actually betrayed by my Islamic clerics who deceived me with their lies that if I pray hard enough, my problems and my troubles will go away. That did not happen and things just got worse no matter how hard I tried to rectify them. So a person asks what in the name of God’s heaven is going on. If this life is an examination then why would God help us in the first place anyway and if we are going to get what is written in our fate then what is the point of praying in the first place anyway. This makes you feel disappointed as you feel like God has forsaken you. The most genuine and original form of Islamic guilt. You feel as though you either did not do enough service for him or maybe he just doesn’t love you that much. My whole life has been a Muay Thai Kick Boxing Tournament with God every second of everyday for 24 hours since the day I was born up till the day I die. I should probably get this written on my tombstone. Nothing has ever been that easy for me. Even the simplest of things have proved themselves to be nightmares because you have to fight your way through 10 barricades of different types of obstacles for fulfilling one task that should take just one second but somehow ends up taking the whole bloody year because you’re living in a hellish place with stupid people. I feel like Odysseus fighting twelve Gods at the same time. I just don’t find that fair but as it turns out life is not fair. I believe that if we are progressing and evolving through our understanding of our purpose and existence then I believe a higher from of intelligence like God who is our creator would also be progressing and evolving like us but on a higher level. God just looks to me as a research scientist who is playing a game of chess with us as his pawns. The only difference is that we have got free will. The important question is that what my purpose is in his grand design. How do I decipher the design matrix of God so that I can transcend from my inquisitive state and move forward with my spiritualism? A person of faith like me who’s only friend left was none except God and now he feels as though even He has forsaken him brings forth the ultimate purity of loneliness. Loneliness is not the absence of communication; it is the absence of intimacy. Everybody wants to have a friendship or relationship that has a foundation built on either benefits or pleasure or humanity or goodness that helps you become a better person and makes you want to strive ahead to live life to the fullest even if the odds are stacked up against you. Unfortunately according to my experience, I have noticed that you are born alone and you die alone, and nobody cares about you or is coming for you. After a little while everything just seems pointless; you lose your inspiration and motivation and everything becomes so meaningless in such a way that all of your ambitions, passions, targets and goals just don’t really matter anymore. It just gets so difficult to get up in the morning and life starts feeling like a burden. Your sensations, intuitions, thoughts and feelings become warped and you integrate with anxiety, depression, nervousness and tension. Work is no longer fun and fun is more work. You don’t feel like enjoying your life when you feel miserable all the time. You start thinking like a dark, negative, cynical and pessimistic brute. Everything is so blurry and everybody is so fake. You feel empty or hollow. You don’t want to indulge yourself in anything because it has no meaning. You start hating everything and everybody. It is like a downward spiral. You’re afraid that something bad is always going to happen no matter what you do because you are just stuck in a fix that you can’t get out of. It feels like you’re trapped. It feels like you’re in a quicksand and you are slowly drowning. You start thinking about death and sometimes you just wish that you were buried in your grave. Sometimes you just wish that you went to sleep and never woke up. You don’t feel alive anymore and you see only the whole world burning down in front of you. Why am I feeling this way? It doesn’t make any sense. Should I reprogram myself into becoming a robot again? I have got 2 options in my life. I can either become the most indestructible and unbreakable organic machine devoid of any sensitive emotion and lose my humanity or gain my humanity to lose my power and gain a world of pain and suffering only to feel alive and find a meaningful purpose of my existence. Do I submit to my pride and live in loneliness or do I surrender to love and live in pain? Who am I and what am I doing here? These questions have always bothered me. There is no easy answer. Do I live alone for the rest of my life and never have to worry about hurting or getting hurt by anybody ever again without any distractions or limitations? Or do I find somebody to have a meaningful relationship with, only to know that she wasn’t the one that I was looking for and everything that she pretended to be or I thought that she had was just a mirage or an illusion, enough to make me realize that my whole bondage was a dream in fact my whole sensations, intuitions, thoughts and feelings towards her were just a projection of a fantasy that wasn’t real? Then the ultimate question originates about how do I find out what is real in this world? Do I take a leap of faith or measure the hope of getting real love according to a formula revolving around a theory from all forms of natural sciences like physics, mathematics, chemistry or biology? Would I ever be able to calculate who, what, when, where, why, which and how would I be able to acquire what real love is or should, could or would be? What is love in the first place anyway? According to the oxford dictionary and the explanation in philosophy books, love is a thought of unselfish loyalty and benevolent concern for the well being of another person. But that is just the tip of the iceberg. Love is so much more than that and no matter how hard you try you can’t really calculate it, because it is embedded deep into the core of our consciousness with different permutations and combinations of random and complex variables that are changing so much faster than the speed of light that even time reverses itself in the fourth dimension. I guess love and time have got an intricate relationship that goes beyond our truth and reality. Which triggers my desire to learn more about it in such a way that it becomes an obsession, until my mind wants to be a part of it because it gives me a reason to live. Am I being illogical or am I following my instincts for the first time in my life since becoming self aware? Is love really the defining factor of my humanity that is rejuvenating my morality or vice versa or my digital circuits have been integrated with an anomaly or are facing a temporary glitch? Is love really a self aware conscious thought or is it just a biochemical instability or hormonal imbalance that assimilates feelings of reproduction for the survival of the species. The more mysterious this emotion is the more it intrigues me and its fascination invokes the desire for its acquisition. Is it too much to ask from this unforgiving world? Am I not just trying to be known to someone special and be important for her so that I can fit the missing pieces of the puzzle and find a broader purpose for my existence? Is it so hard for this world to accommodate me? Would I ever be able to achieve my target and reach my destination? I guess only I can answer this question. No matter how hard I try to resist this emotion due to my bitter experiences, it still finds me and when I give in to it, it just tears me apart again. But the beauty of it is that you always want it even more. The irony is that it is so difficult to find and even if you do find it, it will ultimately fade away. But I still try very hard to put myself in a situation or position to prepare for it again so that I can take the first step towards beginning this journey, even though life itself is not giving me this opportunity and fate itself is trying its level best to stop me. Love is kind of like a journey of finding yourself; when you find yourself, you find love because they are the same thing. How do I find love in this unforgiving environment that I am living in? That is the ultimate question. My friend’s story was quite similar with a disastrous ending. He was a good person; did all the right things and made all the right moves. He couldn’t get a job and nobody tried to help him, instead his family blamed him for everything and nothing he did was ever good enough. On top of that his other friends made fun of his virginity and told him what a loser he was because they got married and were making love to beautiful women while he was a useless and worthless piece of garbage who had absolutely no future prospects. He started working as usual in a low paying dead end job and with no labor laws and no designation of minimal wages, the organization exploited his situation and made him work down to the bone until his mental and physical health and fitness started getting irreparable damage. They paid him absolutely nothing even when his internship had finished and he was a permanent employee. Instead he was paying them to gain experience. That is how corrupt our government and private sector are. He was doing 4 jobs at one time in which he was getting less than minimal pay for 2 jobs from which he was paying the other 2 jobs related to his qualification field so that he can progress in them by gaining experience in these jobs and so that he could build a future. Even after working like a zombie robot and getting treated like an animal he stayed strong and prayed for things to get better but to no avail. After working like a slave for these monsters it was all in vain and his efforts were futile. He was barely able to afford his rent and his family had disowned him and with no facilities like social security, medical insurance, career counseling, unemployment stipend or welfare support which are considered as necessities in developed countries but are luxuries in underdeveloped fourth world countries like ours, he was headed towards an armageddon which he won’t be able to survive. In our country even electricity, gas, water, phone and internet are considered as luxuries. We get sometimes 24 to 48 hours of load shedding or power blackouts in our country. Finally the alienation and isolation took his toll on him and he couldn’t take it anymore. He decided one day to finish it and ended up committing suicide. All he ever wanted was to love someone and be loved in return of his and her own free will. Was that too much of a high demand? In millions of women available, not one could find an eligible bachelor like him worthy enough? Does he necessarily have to finish the 12 tasks of Hercules? Does he really need to become a God? I don’t want to end up like my friend. I always wanted to have a normal life even though being a normal person is such a relative perspective. I don’t even know who I am anymore and when you don’t know who you are, you don’t know what do you want, where do you want to go, when are you going to get there, why are you doing this, which option is the best and how are you going to solve it. I don’t know whether I want to be with anybody anymore. Should I be alone and preserve my humanity or should I be rejected and lose my morality. How do I know and how do I tell? Is it moral to be alone or is it inhumane to be rejected? I know people can learn how to survive alone if they make a conscious decision or if they have no choice. I still have a choice but do I really deserve to be with someone? Do the rules of philosophy or psychology dictate that I need to be with someone to progress and evolve? And if they do then what is the logic behind it? And if it is settled then how do I be with someone? I haven’t been taught courtship or companionship. I do not have a doctoral thesis or theoretical experience in the field of female sexuality, dating, sociology, psychology or philosophy with which I could develop interpersonal relationships. I have never even talked to a girl in my life except in situations in which there was a work requirement in university or office and I live in a conservative country. I am 28 years old and I have never even looked, talked, walked, touched or kissed a girl in my whole life. I mean all of this in terms of having a meaningful communication or a thoughtful connection. After living a straight and formal life, I have been stereotypically labeled by my family and friends as a homosexual, a womanizer, a pedophile and a rapist but the ironic or poetic part of this situation is that I am a virgin. My mental and physical health and fitness are going down which means that if this deterioration keeps progressing on a mathematical formula then I am probably going to die a virgin. All I need is a fair chance at life; is it too much to ask? I don’t even know how it feels like to be touched by a woman. It’s not like I don’t have money; I do, but I am not a super rich guy and it is unfair that I need to have huge loads of money so that I can buy a wife for myself. Majority of the girls in my country do not use dating websites in fact they don’t even use the internet mainly because of the reason that they are either illiterate or too backward for using that technology. The few girls that do use the internet and even fewer who might use a dating website have got even higher standards of demands from their potential spouses. Meaning at the end of the day in order to put the long story in a shorter version, there isn’t much left to deal with in the first place to even begin with anyway. There is a massive shortage of women and even a larger shortage of good women. I do not have a degree in psychology or sexuality and I have absolutely no idea how to talk to a woman as I have lived in a guarded and segregated environment. How would I be able to make a woman fall in love with me when I don’t even know how to talk to them? They are totally different from us in many fields and departments of life. One of my biggest fears in life now is loneliness but on top of that are also people. How can I fight both fears that are polar opposites and are working against each other to facilitate my safe zone but also torturing my preservation of a healthy life. Am I supposed to just survive or do I deserve to be happy? Do people like us never find peace and keep on suffering in pain till the last breath of their lives? Should I just give up all hope and learn to live with my demons or is there a way out? Should I do the right thing and feel miserable or should I do the wrong thing and think that I am satisfied? Should I do the wrong thing and think that I am doing it for good or should I do the right thing and feel that I am doing it for evil? Should I rather be hated for telling the truth or be loved for telling falsehood? Should I rather prefer to live in a reality that is a nightmare or an illusion that is a dream?

Im actually having a real hard time, its been some months im on the maniac phase but sometimes it gets mixed, when i feel down and low. I have been into not so hard crisis but its been two weeks that im compulsively touching myself over and over. Im eating a lot, i feel empty and im not being productive. Sometimes i distract myself and try tp get over it but its not working anymore. I just moved and i feel like this is not my place. Im trembling all the time, and i want to cry. I feel like im going to explode at any moment and i start feeling suffocated, in panic. I feel guilty, everything is a mess i want to end all this. I spend most part of the day euphoric but there's times i feel the panic taking over. I cant cry, i cant ask for help and i dont have money to pay for a doctor. These times i just wish i could end this shit. Im hurting myself. I dont want to live life like this. everyone's too busy to pay attention. I try to tell, but the words dont come out, i feel like they're gonna judge me or think im stupid and want attention. I have some psychosis issues and im constantly paranoid, im trying so hard to do something else that make this get easier but i still feel like i need to talk with someone. Im always giving attention to everyone but i feel like they dont care, maybe im suffocating them and that's why they're leaving? Im alone, all the time. And its heavy. Too heavy to hold, and i still take care of other people. Im loosing control, i keep repeating things to myself that doesnt even make sense, like it wasnt me, i hate this voice. Sometimes i harsh myself in hope that this gives me some kind of relief but nothing works. I wanted to exercise bc i know it helps on anxiety, sleep, mind, health etc, but i cant start, i feel tired all the time, my body is always sleepy, amd when i get the energy to do it i spend it touching myself and feeling bad after that. I used to take remedies last year but they made me got worst, i still have my medication for crisis but its kinda strong for me and i know that if i take it i will sleep, and get lower the next day, and i will feel guilty and more lazy than i already am. Please, im drowning, help me

Hi, it's the first time I post here and I'm kinda scared but I got nothing to loose. Just for basic information, I have a social and general anxiety disorder. Yesterday, I was awoken by my phone. My boss was calling me to tell me that I was 45 minutes late. The thing is that I didn't even knew I was working that day. Like it wasn't an error on schedule or anything, I just didn't look well enough (god I'm so stupid). So I tell my boss about the situation and she ask me if I can work anyway and I said that I slept like 2 hours so I couldn't work (I was almost having a panic attack). So I don't remember what she said next but I had a panic attack right after I hung up. Now I feel like I'm the worst human being on the planet. I just wanna die in a hole. I feel like I'm a waste of oxygen. I've calmed down but I'm still really anxious (English is not my first language so don't juge me please).

Below is an email I sent to my therapist when I was really distressed. He doesn’t speacilizd in OCD but has enough knowledge to diagnose is and he concluded, even after sending him this email which I was sure would cause him to diagnose me with pedophilia, said that I was still suffering from OCD. I know this should give me reassurance, but this all feels way too real for me for this to be OCD and would like some second opinions espdcially because I know there are a lot of pddofiles on this forum. I know it is very long, but I’d appreciate if you’d read as much as you need to make a judgement. Hi Chris this is Nathan and this probably goes against some sort of guideline because this isn’t a part of a standard session but I am really distressed and need help. I don’t think the pedofile thoughts pertain to obsessional thinking anymore. I already told you that this all started when I was watching a news report about a pedofile one day and then I had the random thought “could I be a pedofile?” and I had a major panic attack accompanied with extreme persistant anxiety. Even though I knew the answer was no as I had never been attracted to kids before ever in my life, but in my mind I had to be 110% sure that I wasn’t a pedofile. That same day my normal labido tanked, I started obsessing and trying to solve this question trying to prove that I wasn’t a pedofile, I started getting horrifingly disturbing intrusive thoughts about me doing sexual things to children which freaked me out, I searched for reassurance online to confirm that what I was experiencing was just anxiety and that I wasn’t a pedofile, and I started doing checking rituals which I’ve already told you about. In the beginning I would be checking 20 maybe 30 times a day. It was all encompassing and each time nothing would happen but sometimes I felt like there was a slight movement and then I would keep obsessing about it. I would ruminate about this question every second of the day, and there was no way I could stop thinking about it. Eventually the more I checked the more these groinal responses got worse and worse. It felt like each time there was more and more movement which would cause more paralyzing anxiety. Whenever I would see a child I would get extremely anxious and start doing certain compulsions like repeating a phrase over and over again and trying to diffuse the anxiety by thinking about evidence for why I wasn’t a pedofile. At this time I had no idea what this was. I was hoping it was just anxiety but I felt like I was a pedofile and was just in denial. In the beginning these obsessional periods would last for a week and then they would stop for a week and everything was normal but then it’d spike up again. However, as this condition progressed these periods of rest became less common to the point where it is now where I’m obsessing about it every second of the day. Then I started analyzing any small movement in my groin which caused these groinal responses to get even worse. They became instantaneous and what’s even worse is that I began confusing symptoms of anxiety for symptoms of arousal. I started obsessing over my heart beating faster, light headedness, clumsiness, and hot flashes amongst other things whenever I would get panicked by a child’s presence. In tandem with these very very mild groinal responses it seemed so real to me. When I was around a child I would constantly be thinking “what if I’m attracted to them? Does this feeling mean I’m attracted to them? What does this groinal response mean?” along with other racing thoughts. This was really scary to me because I had never experienced an instantaneous arousal like feeling before especially because I’m not an agressively sexual person; or maybe I just don’t remember because I’ve been struggling with this for 2 years. I had always fantasized about girls and checked girls out and I would be aroused by that but it wasn’t as instantaneous. But at the same time I KNEW I was attracted to girls. As soon as puberty hit I KNEW I was attracted to girls and even started fantasizing about girls when I was only 10-11z My old friends said that I always fell for girls way too easily and ON TOP of that I had a crush on a girl that was one year older than me for 6 years. But despite this evidence, this instananeous arousal type feeling that acompanied the intense anxiety from questioning whether I was a pedofile or not nullified those past experiences in my mind. Then, the obsessions died down. In the beginning I used to alienate myself from all kids because I was constantly thinking “what if I see a kid and I’m attracted to them?” which caused me great anxiety of course. The more I exposed myself to kids however and the more I stopped giving attention to those thoughts the anxiety and groinal responses started to fade. I felt so liberated and thought that these shackles that were this disorder had finally been removed. However, only 3 weeks later I started obsessing over my little cousin who’s 4 years younger than me. During a family beach trip, I had glanced at her when we were all swimming and I instantly started thinking “Did I just look at her in a sexual way? Do I find her sexually attractive?” The anxiety hit me like it did that first time: sinking stomach, heart racing, sweating, all of that. This obsession would follow me throughout the beach trip and for months after that. She became the focus of my checking rituals and I was filled with dread after I was done checking. Then this expanded to my other little cousins too. I was being constantly bombarded with what ifs surrounding my cousins and was checking all of my bodily reactions to them whenever I thought about them. This lasted for months. The only good thing about this period is that one night when I was seeking reassurance online I found out that this was actually a theme of OCD and I found many communities online with this same theme. I related to everything these sourced (international ocd foundation amongst other psychiatric professional) were telling me. For a little while, I thought I had found my answer. But of course this didn’t last. My OCD started questioning this too and I began posting on these forums seeking reassurance that I wasn’t a pedofile on a daily basis. In a year I would be doing this 4 times a day. Then my obsessions started to focus on my little brother. This is one of the most horrendous themes of my obsessions and marked a really really dark turn in this disorder. Because of this transition I was obsessing less about my little cousins and eventually all the anxiety surrounding them dissipated like the anxiety over all little kids did. But, the unique thing about the obsessions over my brother is that I couldn’t escape him. I lived with him, so I was constantly having intrusive thoughts and what ifs surrounding him. The checking rituals got more extreme, and each time I would do this ritual, you guessed it, the groinal responses they produced would get worse and worse. It got to point where I had to avoid my brother as I was constantly confusing anxiety for arousal and the groinal responses were grtting progressively worse. A breaking point for me was when we went on a cruise during spring break. After months and months of checking and testing and feeding this obsessional thinking through various compulsions the groinal responses became near erections. I couldn’t be around him. These groinal responses were so real that I was convinced I was a pedofile. I saw nothing sexual about my brother NOTHING, these were so extreme and the intrusive thoughts and the anxiety was so exteme that I was convinced I was a pedofile. The worst part about this is that this theme lasted for the majority of my 1 year relationship with Beza. I loved her so much and being around her reminded me that I wasn’t a pedofile. That my feelings for girls were so so strong. That no one could ever replace her and that she was the one thing thoughout this whole condition that made me happy and filled me with joy. But, around 8 months into our relationship, when this theme started getting really bad, I started becoming really distant. I’ve already told you about this, but it devestated her. This disorder invaded this one person who took all the pain away from my life. Whenever I was with her I started thinking “Do I really love her? Am I really attracted to her? What if I’m mire attracted to kids?” My checking became comparing mental images of my brother to mental images of my Beza and eventually whatever groinal response to my brother became more instantaneous. I was still aroused by her whenever I was with her but what happened during checking confused me and drove me further into this obsession. Then it got worse, when I was checking I would think of sexual scenarios of Beza and then compared it to sexual scenarios with my brother. The former was extremely enjoyable but the latter filled me with dread and I could only entertain that image for a few seconds before stopping and then crying. I would do this around 50 times a day, and each time I would push myself to think of those scenarios of my brother for a longer period of time. Of course, the groinal responses to these scenarios got worse and worse. I never lost my arousal to my Beza, but the questioning was always there. And at some moments, regrettably, I would panick and start to masturbate but would never finish. This tore me apart and I couldn’t live with myself. It began to feel like something I HAD to do. This questioning and anxiety even affected intimate moments a few times which only fed my obsession. I was totally convinced I was a pedofile, and it was getting tok intense for me. I couldn’t tell if I loved her anymore, so I broke up with her. She cried on my arm for half an hour and after she left I experienced a feeling of regret was more intense than any other time in my life. I knew I loved her, and I let this disease win. This however, wasn’t the darkest part at all. The darkest period of this disease is the one I am in now. In french class at the end of last school year we watched a movie about a child correctional school choir. At one point, I thought the main character looked good. Through obsession and reassurance seeking I would find out that this kid was 13 at the time of filming. It was a completely innocent thought with no sexual conntation. It was in the some vain as I could admire a guy looking good eith nothing sexual in there. I only thought he looked good because of his face, and could never even imagine having sex with him or any child that age because it’s not appealing to me at all. I think their bodies are so underdeveloped and i’m not sexually attracted to them at all it’s just weird to me. I’m only really attracted to girls that are a year younger than me or older. But anyways, this filled me with dread. I started thinking “I thought this child looks good does that mean I’m attracted to him? Does this mean I have a crush on him?” I was overwhelmed with a tsunami of anxiety. Of course I confused this anxiety for arousal, and has history tend to repeat itself I started obsessing over this boy and scanning my body for any sign of arousal whilst ruminated over whether I was attracted to him or not. This theme really consumed me, because it started by me thinking that the child looked good. Naturally this replaced the obsessions over my brother and all the anxiety surrounding him went away. The same pattern repeated for this kid however the cycle came quicker and with more intensity. I was obsessing about him more than any other child this OCD fixated on. The what ifs and intrusive thoughts drove me crazy. I would be in class seekinf reassurance on my usual forums literally every second of the day. I had to sure that what I was experiencing was typical of this theme of OCD, and users on the forum who got through this theme said that it was, but that reassurance only alieved my worries for a little bit and only caused me to crave more and more of it. Then, the darkest part hit me. The panicked masturbation became more frequent. Most of the time, I wouldn’t even be aroused. The groinal responses were still very mild but the panicked madturbation became frequent enough that whenever I would check the arousal would occur fast. And then i felt like masturbation was something I had to do. I didn’t enjoy it, there wasn’t any sexual ideation, I didn’t even think about him when I did it, and I wouldn’t do it all the time. Most of the time I would masturbate to women, but every once and a while when I was checking and filled with dread and despair and devoid of all hope I would feel the groinal response and just do it. This of course made these groinal responses worse and caused my attraction to women to tank even more. I started telling myself I couldn’t be attracted to women and that I must be a pedofile because of this. This has been cemented into my brain. While I was masturbating and while I was looking at girls in class I would tell myself “It’s no use stop wasting your time you’re not attracted to them you’re just in denial”. Everything got much darker, there was no light anymore, I couldn’t see anything else besides him. I felt like I conditioned my brain to only respond sexually to him. Lauren gave me some reassurance. I felt that same feeling with her that I felt with Beza. The joy, that feeling of escape, the attraction, everything. But then she broke my heart, and for a while the obsession didn’t come back. But then it did, with intrusive thoughts that didn’t surround the kid from the movie but around the theme of all kids again. Then eventually the kid was put back into the fray and the cycle started all over again. Now a new obsession has stemmed from this one. Now it focuses on 14 year old boy that I think look good in some way, not even sexually, not wanting to do anything sexual with them. This is what I’m hung up on. It’s so specific that it must be real. I must be a pedofile. Years of checking and years of this disease have just made me this way. I am just this now. People on reddit and other forums tell me it’s still OCD despite this but it is so far from irrational that it literally can’t possibly be. I must be a pedofile. I’m not aroused by “adult sexual material” with women in it anymore, I’m only aroused by this specific group and it feels so real now. Of course, these groinal responses are precluded by and intense anxiety and a what if, but I’m acclimated now towards responding sexually to this almost instantly now. I think this is the end of the road for me. Last year was simultaneously the best and worst year of my life. It was the best because I had a good group of friends, because I had a girl that loved me more than anyone else on this planet (she’s tied with my mom MAYBE), because of all the experiences I had with these friends and my girlfriend, because I exuded confidence and was secure of my personality (I like to use this metaphor: last year I had a quiff, one that everyone liked and that made me seem like a reall cool guy. This year I shaved my head, and now I barely recognize myself), and because during the summer I had this really good internship in DC which is the BEST city in the world and gives me that same type of happiness I felt with Beza; but it was the worst because of this POCD, and because I didn’t know it was nothing compared to the hell I’m living in now. I think it’s too late for me. I think years of checking has busted up my natural sexuality, and that my attraction to girls will never return. I think this is just who I am now. I realize this pattern. You will probably say that if I just ignored the groinal responses, ignored the anxiety, ignore the intrusive thoughts, maybe stop masturbating to anything then everything will start to go back to normal. But I think I’m in too deep. In the beginning I can easily say that this was all irrational, but it seems far too real now. If I could go back in time to when I first asked my self that question I would slap my past self maybe like 100 times and say don’t do it. Don’t even think about it. You’ve overthought everything in your past, and in many situations that’s been helpful, but not this one. Trust me. You’re not a pedofile. You know you’re into girls. Go text your friends. That’s what I would say. I just want to go back to normal but I don’t think I can. I want to start living life again and live in 2018 again. I think I have a lot of potential and what to do a lot of things in life but I’m so caught up in this disorder that I think it will be the death of me. When this started I said if this didn’t go away in a year I would kill myself.

I like listening to it, perhaps some of you'll enjoy it, too: https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/p0683q6p/episodes/downloads

Hi All Not more to add than the title, i m in my mid 30's, still a virgin because im embarrassed with my penis. I've had suicidal thoughts in the past, im now taking drugs pretty much every day to mask my depression. I don't know if i can get over this

I hope people with OCD will find this at least somewhat helpful (the new perspective): https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2018/05/180502174911.htm

Sorry about my English. Hi, so sometimes I feel really depressed and confused when I am thinking about my sexuality. I feel like I dont know what I am. I dont know if I Iike guys or girls and I am really confused about what should I do. I feel like I cant tell anyone. Cuz if I tell my parents they will be asking me "why didnt you tell us" and if my grandma knows she would probably get a heart attack. So I cant do anything else than to just search for help on the internet and it does make me feel better when I write about this stuff. I am going to start with the fact that I have had a crush on a girl only one time and it was at 3 grade and back then I didnt really know what I was feeling, so I am not sure if I should count this. Anyways I just have always had a crush on guys. It was really weird. There is no one esle on the school who has got only one girl crush in his whole life. Everyone is talking about girls and I pretend to like girls too, because I cant imagine their reaction if I tell them how I feel. Another thing is that when I feel depressed I just want to hug someone and because I cant i feel even more depressed. I have tried to jerk off to a straight porn, but it just doesnt work. Also I never get hard from a girl. I always get hard around guys. And actually the thing that makes me feel depressed is that I dont want to be like this. I want to be normal. I have talked with my mom about gays and all of that and she is ok with them and I then I felt like I could tell her, but I am still not sure what I am. I am just praying that it is because of puberty and it will go away, but it is not going away. I am only 14 and most people will probably tell me "Ahh you will be ok", but I am not ok. I want to know what am I and to be able to tell my parents and friends about it without feeling uncomfortable. Please help me.

idk if i have bipolar disorder. however, i have taken tests and have talked to people that are bipolar, and they said there is a strong chance. i go from being super energetic and fun, wanting to get everything done. then i go to sleeping and not having any energy to get out of bed. i feel so tired and weak and i can barely think and do literally anything. sometimes i get so bad to where i punch things, i scream so loud, i cry very hard, i scratch all over my body. it seems like im possessed when im like that. its all so confusing, and idk how to cope and how to deal with it. i just need advice and maybe even friends to talk to.

Hello everyone. Is hard to believe that im actually seeking help for my small penis syndrome, I am 6 inches lenght erect and 5 in girth. Some would say is not that bad, but whenever i look down I see i little shamefull penis. With the years it have not got better even its getting worse. Since I met my gf de anxiety has get much more unstopable, because now I wonder if she would enjoy more a bigger penis, if she would orgasm with a bigger penis, well all that kind of stuff that keep you awake at night. She tells me that I please her as no one has ever done. But i'm unable to believe that, I just see my penis as an useless penis that will never be enough. Desperetly I bought an hydromax pump, and yes I got some results, but not even close to what i expected, so yes another thing to get frustrated about "I bought that expensive shit to get big, but now it seems that there's no hope" I really try to be ok with what i have but it seems to be more difficult everyday, i've lost my sexdrive, because i can stop thinking that she deserves something "better". I really dont know what to do and I would really appreciate some advice. Thanks for your time and your comprehension. Pd: sorry if I wrote bad some words or if didnt expressed myself correctly. English is not my 1st languaje. Thx.

My mother is probably one of the most hypocritical person I have ever met in my life. I was rejected by my mother since the day I was born mainly because of the reason that she did not feel any love or attachment towards me and that would possibly be due to the reason of the matter of the fact that she got an arranged marriage that was absolutely loveless. The weakness in her resolve further deteriorated her character to an abysmal level. She belonged to a religious conservative family background as the daughter of a farmer who was also a holy man who had quite a significant number of adherents or followers who worshiped him like God. Imagine how much pressure it would bring on a liberal person of my stature when you are in the position of being a grandson to a holy man being worshiped by a whole jurisdiction or region of people belonging to different tribes and groups. I remember the first time when I was a child and a follower kneeled into prostration in front of me and I got really confused and I asked my mother that you always told me that only God deserves to be worshiped in this way and only he should be kneeled upon, then why is he doing this to me? Does he think that I am God? My mother’s answer was that they think that we are God’s ambassadors on the planet and due to being born in a specific tribe we become high born and gain royal blood which puts us in a position of huge responsibility of taking care of our kingdom. This made absolutely no sense to me as I believed and was taught by my religion that all men are created equal and no white has precedence over black and no local has precedence over a foreigner. The original version of our religion taught us that people of all religions and cultures are supposed to be respected. The Christians and Jews can be our friends and they will not go to hell just because they are not Muslims; they will go to heaven and they will be judged just like we would and their respective Prophets will act as their ambassadors on the Day of Judgment. It is written in the Quran as well; God says that if it were up to me I would have created all humankind with same faith but I deliberately created this diversity as a test so that we learn how to respect and overcome our differences and honestly join together through our similarities to live in peace and harmony with each other. That’s why in our religion interfaith and interracial marriages are encouraged to promote this level of diversity. It would absolutely be self contradictory for a religion to state that other religions or races or colors or creeds should be isolated but at the same time be allowed as well. Unfortunately there are some factions in our religion that think otherwise even though there is quite an overwhelming level of evidence or proof to suggest the contrary. But again they are a few and majority still believes that it is just fine. However the rest of the world is bent on vilifying us for a religion that is vastly misunderstood not by the foreigners only but also by the Muslims themselves. People don’t understand when I tell them that when Quran has a verse saying "Kill all the outsiders who have wronged you" it was only applicable to the people 1400 years in the past when they were in the middle of a war for their survival from the Quraish tribe that was trying to kill them for their Islamic beliefs and not for all time up till the day of judgment. The verse as usual has been taken out of context and misinterpreted to defame a peaceful religion. Anyway my ultimate question to my mother was very simple; how can a man who doesn’t even know about his own future and can’t even predict about his own fate on the day of judgment would be able to save these people and offer them retribution or salvation? My mother could not satisfactorily answer this question because she knew that this whole phenomenon of "Holiness" was just a cultural travesty and had nothing to do with religion in the first place to begin with anyway. But due to this level of unawareness my mother was brainwashed into following a hypocritical system of retroactive conformity of a class system designed to subjugate the illiterate people and manipulating them into believing in something that was not the truth to create a culture of subservience towards the power and influence of the ruling classes which would keep them in their place and vulnerable to follow rules that would keep them functioning in the lower order so that the masters keep their agricultural lands and their production in accordance with government tyranny and corporate imperialism. Obviously my mother began to realize that as a woman her position might actually be quite secondary and at the end of the day her brothers will get majority of the benefits. That includes the inheritance of land as well which is also a cultural thing. My mother after conforming towards the hypocritical fundamentalism of her traditional family still got betrayed by her own father which then resulted in developing a high level of insecurity in her personality and behavior. Although she was educated but due to limited vacancy she didn’t get a job and now was stuck in raising a family which she didn’t want to. She wanted to belong in the social circle of her relatives and she tried her level best to impress them and be hospitable to their needs and follow the standards of traditional living but none of that was good enough for her super rich extended family who always put her down for absolutely no reason until she just lost her mind. In that frustration and irritation she took her fear and hate out on me in the most negative manner possible. In order to make matters worse she decided to find refuge in religion which further manipulated her inferiority complex and low self-esteem and used it as a weapon to make her think and do whatever the organization wanted her to think and do. Islamic guilt has a way of making you feel like a sinner 24 hours a day just like many other religions. They turn you into their puppets by making you go through a stage wise process of Kubler Ross and David Kessler Model of grief which is denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Majority of the traditional housewives that turn towards the asylum of religion are suffering from grief, but the major difference is that they are not transformed into zombie robots that are devoid of critical thinking and human emotion or are made to follow the laws and rules of suppression or submission or obedience or oppression. That put me in her sniper sights and she found me as a perfect suitable escape goat for her life’s problems and troubles and used me as a punching bag to take out her nihilism, pessimism, cynicism, skepticism and all her negativity. She became a rageaholic maniac determined to make my life a living hell because her husband treated her like a piece of garbage and religion blamed her for it. She was a classic case textbook manual orthodox run-of-the-mill example of a spoiled rich pampered girl suffering from biochemical instability and hormonal imbalance. A relationship is based on trust, respect, loyalty, justice, empathy, altruism, compassion and kindness and when your own mother doesn’t even fulfill one factor then you’re fate has obviously dealt you a tough hand. I became a victim of mental and physical abuse by my mother as well. The issue that really hurt me was her weakness in acknowledging the truth or fact of the situation and her inability to be loyal and just while being trustworthy and reliable. She was being unfair and didn’t even realize it. In order to make matters worse she started lying about everything in order to save her reputation. In order to save her reputation she would lie about me not only to my family members but also to my relatives negotiating her honor and dignity. This behavior made her lose her trust and respect but she was willing to surrender her ethics and morals. It is part of our righteous piety that we are not at liberty to divulge sensitive or private levels of information about our own family members to anybody including members of the extended family as well. My mother would say or do anything to her own family members in order to save her reputation which goes to show how much pride has led her astray and towards the depths of hypocrisy. She would gladly throw me to the wolves by blaming me for whatever problems or troubles happened to me in my life but also blame me for everything wrong that happened in the lives of my whole family including her if she is put in a tight spot which is absolutely irreversible and unacceptable. Let me give you an example on how much vindictive my mother could become. When I was a kid I used to have trouble breathing due to a diverging nose that had a middle bone that was so deformed that it blocked my left nostril and I wasn’t able to inhale proper amounts of air to get oxygen and it used to be a problem and on top of that my nose is very small in fact I probably have the smallest nostrils in the world which obviously wasn’t helping the problem as well but making it a little worse. I was having trouble sleeping and used to snore very loudly and then had an accumulation of nasal fluid that used to infect my sinuses while also causing things like sleep apnea. All of these situations resulted in my nostril tissues, nasal passages, airways, sinuses, throat, tonsils, esophagus, lungs and my whole respiratory system getting negatively infected. I was obviously diagnosed with DNS (Deviated Nasal Septum) and surgery was recommended immediately when the situation became more serious as my nose had grown to almost its full length as I was 16 years old. The treatment of surgery was only the most logical approach recommended by the doctor or specialist but my mother just refused to admit that I would actually be suffering from something genuine and she blamed me for being sensitive to my respiratory disease. I had to fight for my right of being taken seriously and treated as quickly as possible before something else happened but my whole family didn’t want to listen. Ultimately I had to use my father’s rank and had to go to the naval hospital myself alone to get my surgery done so I took the bicycle and admitted myself without telling my parents. After I woke up from the surgery I informed my father that I had gotten he surgery done and I am going to be returning after a few days. Upon returning home and still bleeding from my nose I was going into my bedroom and I saw my mother in the lounge totally offended and removed from the intensity or potency of the situation. Her words were absolutely one of the most painful and hurtful words I would ever hear in my whole lifetime. She said and I quote "You would always be a pain in my neck". I would never forget these words as they are one of the most heartless, thoughtless, uncompassionate, inconsiderate, unkind and selfish words a mother could ever tell her child after he has gone through so much pain already and in which he had no fault of his own and he never inconvenienced her in the slightest and did everything himself even then she could not say one word of support. What kind of a mother is she that just doesn’t give a damn? But who am I kidding right; she never gave a damn about me since the day I was born in the first place to begin with anyway. This incident was just to give you a small idea of what she could actually do if things were not going her way. My mother actually has a much worse habit of manipulating her family members into making them fight amongst themselves by portraying herself as the victim and then using the ignorance of the family member to turn against his own flesh and blood. This kind of devious activity would probably put even the devil to shame. Once she went to such an extent that she made all four members of my family including me fight amongst each other for a very trivial issue that had nothing to do with anything. My mother plays the innocent victim or the damsel in distress routine better than anybody I have ever known because that is the ultimate forte of the women in my region and it is known as deception. In order to formulate her lust and greed for power and influence and keep herself relevant inside the family she would say or do anything to keep the relationships among the family members unstable so that she can keep on reaping the benefits. My family members can’t process multiple relationships so they stick to their most favorite ones and this weakness is then exploited by my mother who plays on their insecurities and turns them against each other so that she can still remain important. She will indulge herself in this devious game and turn father against son and sister against brother and that’s how she will get her way with us. How do I influence her in a positive manner that our relationship could be improved?

Hi, I am writing this because I have been consumed by guilt and shame over something TERRIBLE that I did. Before I go into detail about what I did, I would like to share some information about myself that may be useful in understanding my situation here. I’m a straight male, currently 17, and in my senior year of high school. I was raised in an upper middle class family by two loving and supportive parents, (I’m an only child). I’ve always had a pretty great and care-free life, at least until the summer before 8th grade. This was the summer that my mother was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. I still remember the terrible feeling I got; that my world was being torn apart, when my parents sat me down and told me. I had never really had anything bad happen to me before this. Also adding to my stress, that year I got REALLY bad cystic acne that totally demolished my self-esteem, as well as any confidence I had with girls. As if it wasn’t bad enough, this was also the year I discovered internet pornography, I quickly became addicted. As time went on, my addiction grew stronger and my mother grew weaker. My addiction took up time that I SHOULD have spent with my dying mother. But no, I was too stupid to put aside my addiction. Then, my sophomore year, my mother died. I remember being picked up from school by my Uncle, they pulled me out of my 3rd period. I knew it was my mom before they told me why I was leaving. I got home and my dad told me her body was shutting down. I broke down and started sobbing. I walked up the stairs and stopped at the top trying to stop crying so I could be strong in front of her. I walked into her room and saw her laying in the bed. Her eyes were closed and I realized how weak she was. I hugged her and she held me, she was barely able to whisper “it’s ok.” I broke down in tears again, and as she held me I felt like a scared little kid again. After she died, I realized how short life was and how badly I wanted to stop my addiction. Unfortunately it only got worse. The only positive side of this story is that my acne has almost gone away, and I actually think I’m somewhat attractive now. I’ve grown more confident with girls and a some have even told me they find me attractive, but I still have never had a girlfriend. Now here’s where I REALLY fucked up. Toward the end of my junior year (around April) I started reading these fictional sexual stories online about adults having sex with underage kids. Let me say that I’m NOT attracted to kids and would NEVER accept behavior like this in real life. The only reason I could get off on these stories was due to the taboo nature. It was wrong, I knew that, and it made it exciting. Then over the summer, I did something even worse. I looked up pictures of little girls (usually around 10) and masturbated to them. I did this a few times. It WAS NOT child porn. Just pictures of young girls I found on images, not sexual in nature. I could never watch child porn and the thought makes me want to vomit. I knew it was wrong and yet I did it anyways. I stopped, and haven’t done it in months, but now that I reflect on my actions I am absolutely appalled that I did something like this. I feel like a total monster. I don’t deserve to be happy. I don’t deserve to be alive, and I would honestly kill myself but I don’t want to do that to my dad, he’s lost too much already. Even though I’ve never viewed CP, I feel guilt like I have. Even though I’ve never molested anyone nor wanted to, I feel guilty like I have. I don’t know how I was OK with doing these things, and am unsure why I am just now realizing how wrong it was. Not to mention I think one of the pictures was of a girl around 6. I’ve struggled with social anxiety and depression before I did these disgusting things , but my shame has exacerbated these issues. I’ve self harmed before as well, both as a release of emotion and as self-punishment for what I’ve done. I’m not a pedophile but have been comparing myself to them. I’ve been getting a LOT of instrusive thoughts and cannot stop obsessing about my mistakes. I’ve broken down in tears and have come close to a panic attack on multiple occasions due to my shame and guilt. Had I done these bad things when I was younger, (like 13) I would have been able to forgive myself, as I would’ve thought it to be sexual experimentation. But since I’m 17, this is not an excuse. I CANNOT move past this and whenever someone is talking to me or says I am a good person all I can think is ”if you knew what I’ve done you’d want to kill me”. I want to get a girlfriend, get married, and have kids, but I fear confessing these things to her someday. Had it been a “normal” porn addiction, I wouldn’t have as much shame, but because I read these stories and looked at these pictures, it’s not “normal”. It’s despicable. I’ve read a lot about OCD and obsessive/intrusive thoughts lately, and thought maybe that’s why I’m feeling guilty. Then I remember that I actually DID something, which is different than just having a thought. I want to die. Please help. PS sorry about the long post I just really had to get this off my chest.

Hello, this is going to be a long read with no tl;dr. I'm sorry, I just don't feel like condensing. I feel as the entire story needs to be read. So, I guess I should start with a condensed biography between both of us before I get to the story. For me, I'm a tormented lost soul. I was molested as a young child, I hid this demon inside for a very long time up until the point where I decided killing myself would be the best option. I attempted overdosing on oxycodone and hydrocodone. Clearly, I failed. Which I'm okay with right now. I've seen therapists, and I still feel so lost. Medication didn't help. I feel as I'm no good. I tried killing myself only a couple days before my birthday. I became numb, very apathetic and had zero capabilities of showing emotion up until I met my now ex-girlfriend. For her, she's just as tormented as I am. She was molested as well, she lost her sister to suicide, her moms a deadbeat who only wants money, her dad just died recently and she's sad she didn't pursue a connection between each other before he passed. Now for the reason I'm posting. My girlfriend and I were together for 5 years, on/off (mainly due to me because I'm shortsighted and dumb). In the beginning, things were good. We had a healthy relationship I would say, we had an intimate connection. Sexually and mentally, things were good for a good time. We were obviously still on/off, but we always had this connection between each other. I was still fighting my demon. She was there for when I tried killing myself. This last time we broke up, everything was different. Before we broke up, I turned dark and cold-hearted towards her primarily, but everyone else around me. I was controlling, abusive mentally and physically, mean. I suppressed my emotions and didn't try to actively heal on them.. instead I projected them onto the people around me.. but primarily her. I don't know how she stuck around for so long, I was so fucking mean I can't stand myself. I stopped calling her beautiful, but instead I called her ugly, even though she was the most gorgeous girl on this planet. I controlled who she hung out with, I never let her have fun or be with friends. I didn't show her the respect and love she deserved. I was physically abusive at times. I would grab her arm, or her stomach one time. But the main thing that set her over the edge was me chucking a wallet at her, which hit her in the face. I never punched her in her face or anything else.. although this doesn't change the damage I did. I had lost my sexual desire in general. We rarely had sex. I always made her cry. I stopped showing that I cared about her. Instead, I start projecting my monster towards her because I didn't know what else to do. This wasn't acceptable in any fashion. I regret everything, and would go back in time to change everything I did to her. She left me, which she had every single right to do so. She didn't deserve to endure my physically and mental abuse. It's so saddening to me that I only realized my damage.. after she left. I would change everything in this world if I could have changed prior to her leaving. My problem is I seek happiness in others, before myself. She left to better herself, to focus on herself. I don't hate her for anything she did. I hate myself, I hate everything about myself for what I did. I am no better than those who abused us as kids. I physically and mentally hurt her just like we were hurt. I projected my anger out on everything around me. I'm not lost because she's gone, I'm lost because I hurt someone enough to push them to their limit just to leave. I feel no better than those monsters out there. She won't text me back, which is going to be okay in the end I just can't accept everything. It happened so fast. This was a garbage Christmas, and it'll be a garbage start to a new year. Nothing can change what I did to her, she can forgive me but she will never forget. I'm just lost with myself now. I don't know what to do. I want to change, but it's so hard to change. I am broke.

When I was in primary school, I had never come to know any serious sadness. Looking back now and even then, my life felt like a Utopia - most of which I probably just made up in my mind. Of course I was extremely quiet and loved isolation - my parents recall that I would worry incessantly about the smallest things & that they would often find sitting alone in the dark. It was around the age of 12 or 13 that I began to experience guilt & regret. And here's the thing. It's like the guilt and regret is intrinsic to my essence - and occurs in me abundantly & independently of actual life events, and latch on to anything to make me extremely sad. If I were to address a situation that I am feeling guilty about - the guilt would simply attach itself to something else. It never goes away. Just moves from place to place. I didn't mean to pick on guilt, I worry, stress, and regret things that in actuality might be trivial, although some I admit are substantial. I can't escape from these feelings. I am DROWNING in every waking moment. Does anyone else feel this way? How do you cope?

My wife left me because of my small penis. She had never confirmed it, but the signs were obvious and she had remarried and is now with a man who is very well endowed. This had damaged my self esteem, my personal image, my personality - i've become dull and negative, and had damaged my nervous system - i now live between panic attacks. I want to find a way to not care about it, just dismiss the fact that i am rejected by the opposite gender, that my kids have a stepfather who they live with, because i was physically not enough. I thought of committing suicide. I came very close to it, i think, and that is when my attacks started happening - i felt that i did not want to die but also had to do something about my situation and the only thing that i could do was to kill myself (i am not promoting that). (i had a noose tied up and was going to hang myself in a sitting position. i stayed home that day, to work from home, knowing that i am staying to try and go through with it. i lack imagination - i don't know why i stayed home for that because this could have been done anywhere. that morning i kept debating with myself whether there is another way, another action that i could take ... that was all i could come up with. eventually i noticed that my heart was going extremely fast, that i was unable to move my arms because they were numb and ... i blacked out for a second ... like everything just goes blank and black, you loose control over all muscles, i started falling, i shook myself out of it, jumped, ran outside, it happened again - another blank, fell on my knees, came back to it, i though it was a heart attack ... neighbors called an ambulance. this was on April 04. i still have these attacks once in a while) So ... i am still unable to pry off the "i have a small penis" tiara of my head I want to find a way to not hate and want my ex wife back (a very confusing emotion). I want to be able to accept the rejection, and find a way to be happy or indifferent. I also don't want to be rejected by the opposite gender and what i want is to genuinely believe women if they were to accept me ... i am sort of loosing my mind over this because i am deeply convinced that all women will discriminate against me and humiliate me and also think that somehow i should keep trying to move on and try being in a relationship, which i don't know whether i deserve, if my hypothetical partner would be giving up pleasure ... it is very confusing - i feel entitled and selfish ... and what i want to feel is "what a great day has this day been. look how much i've done and achieved", even if i am alone for the rest of my life. How do i get there? Thanks

Hi everybody. Got bullied a lot growing up, teased in the locker room, etc. Hope to share in experiences, advice, moral support

Please PM me brothers. I have a plan - we will get through this together. SPS will unite us - we are strong together.

My moms a good lady but she yells a lot. She's been bey stressed ever since my dad died after being unemployed for 6 months. When that happened she had to scramble to get a job and could no longer be a stay at home mom. She's very frustrated with me bc I never ever clean ever. I know it's bad I just have zero motivation. But anyways, she yells at me a lot and she says typical parental punishment threats like "If you don't clean up down here I'll throw away everything laying out!" And she never ever acts on it and she loves me very much but I still get so anxious when she yells. Like anytime she yells at me, no matter how long or short it is I start to panic and get really sick and have irrational thoughts she wants to kill me. (she'd never do that and she's never laid a hand on me) she does her best and I love her a lot but I still need help managing my anxiety in response to yelling.. (please don't call my momma abusive shes a good person and saying that will give me an anxiety attack)

Warning y'all now that this is a long one and PLEASE do not judge me. I am a very suffer in silence kind of gal. I cannot stand talking about my problems, even with the people I love. So, here I am turning to all of you wonderful strangers here on the Internet. And I gotta say, I never thought I'd be doing this. As long as I can remember I've suffered from depression and low self-esteem. Even when I was a little girl. My father, while we speak now, was never around until I was 15 and thus I have always had this deep set feeling of abandonment. Then my mother struggles with depression and bi-polar disorder, which I'm almost positive I inherited from her, and when I was in high school she had a very bad time with it- and took it all out on me. I think I talked her out of suicide 2-3 times and I lost track of the amount of times she had called me 'a little bitch' in return. I actually didn't realize it until recently, because we get along now, but she emotionally abused the hell out of me. And never even said sorry. As a matter of fact, I wouldn't be surprised if she firmly believes I brought it all on myself even though I was still practically a kid at the time. She kicked me out when I was 17 and I have been living with my grandparents ever since. I met a boy around that time, he is the love of my life and we have been together five years now. We both dropped out of school and we are very hard workers to make up for it. But we are also wildly prone to substance abuse. Thankfully, our work ethic hasn't suffered, but our personal lives have. Over the past five years we have had a lot of fun while also trying to get our lives together and started, though it is obvious now that our partying has turned into a huge problem. I have taken LSD probably about 30, maybe even 40 times now. I'm not exaggerating. Recently, I have gotten into cocaine. I drink heavily. I wouldn't say I am an alcoholic, but I have polished off a bottle of whiskey in two days more times than I care to admit. I can't believe how hard it is to stop doing all that, but it really is. More recently, it was brought to my attention that my boyfriend is in fact an alcoholic- because he cheated on me not once but 3 times with the same girl. Just when I was already feeling down about myself and my life, more than I ever have, this happens. I believe him when he says he was blackout drunk when they fucked but sometimes, in the back of my mind, I wonder just how truthful that is. Doesn't help that the heartbreak hasn't really mended. I do fully believe him when he says he still loves me. I wish you guys could see how much he does. Though now I can't fucking stand myself. I thought my relationship was the one good thing I had going for me in my life right now and even that is fucked up. I'm 21 now and I don't have my license yet. On top of that, I keep talking about how I'm going to go to college because I'm a very creative, compassionate, empathetic person and I want to be a nurse, a social worker, maybe even a journalist or just anything where I can help people. And I realize first I need to figure out how to help myself. My mental health has declined more dramatically than ever in the past few months and I can tell not just because of the complete lack of interest in my hobbies (I love writing and drawing), intense sadness, insomnia, substance abuse and random outbursts of anger but I have also severely isolated my family and my closest friends. I see all these people I went to high school with, traveling, starting their careers, looking good and being happy. And here I am on a website trying to get help from strangers because my life and my body, mentally and physically, is so messed up. I'm at a point now where I'm like- god, what have I done? Who am I? Will it ever get better? You guys have to believe me when I say I'm a good, ambitious person and I truly have tried to make my life better, and find that sense of independence, over the past 4-5 years. I swear, I have. And I wasn't bullshitting when I said I work hard as hell. It's just... my mental health has gotten in the way of almost everything. It's so scary. Especially because I didn't even realize that until very recently. I don't have health insurance and I live in America. So I can't see a therapist. I have bad memories of seeing therapists when I was a child so I don't know if that would help anyway. I feel like I am trapped in a dark room of closed, locked doors and I lost my key to one of them a long time ago. Now I'm stuck in my own life that has no meaning. I have never felt so lonely and hated myself more than I do now. I just don't know what to do. This is me admitting that I need help. So can someone please just... point me in the right direction?