Search the Community
Showing results for tags 'messed up'.
-
Hello, I don't know if anyone is seeing this but if so please help me. I'm a 14 year old girl from America and I masturbate about 2-4 times a day on average, watch porn, and am an overall horny person. It's basically constant like I just cannot get over the horniness. I have no memory (even a repressed one) of being molested, raped, or touched at all. Yet I feel so sexually messed up. I started masturbating when I was 4 (I didn't know what I was doing) when I was in preschool me and this other girl would sneak off to the bathroom and touch each other. I now find it really weird and perverted even though I didn't know what I was doing. My parents had to be notified about it once the teachers found out and I pretend like I don't remember it but I definitely do. It's become increasingly worse over the years too. I used to just masturbate regularly but in the year or two I've been doing it to porn. I started out on Instagram with "tame stuff" like dick pics, booty pics, etc. then it just got increasingly worse. One day I was in the bathroom doing it and I came across actual child porn. It was an adult man having sex with a child. I was repulsed yet I couldn't help but be aroused. I quickly masturbated to it to relieve myself and then reported it over and over again to make myself feel better. I still feel ashamed and like an awful pervert for even stumbling across it. I've never seen anything like that ever again thank god but I still get the yearning for more "heavy stuff" like it. I've started watching porn on Pornhub for their large selection. I find myself searching up things like "Forceful gangbang", "Kidnapping", "Real virgins", etc. but it takes me a while to get off on those. What really brought me to realize how disgusting I am is when the other day I was watching a documentary about the youngest sex offenders in America and one of them, Garrett I think is his name...raped his sister multiple times over the course of 4 years. I tried to stop myself but I couldn't and I masturbated, like always I felt the shame and disgust wash over me. It should I mean that is absolutely disgusting why would I do that??? I don't know but the fantasies don't stop there. I have constant fantasies about the worse stuff and I just hate myself for it. I feel like a disgusting pervert even thought I'm a girl and I would NEVER do any of the stuff I fantasize about. I'm also a virgin so I've never had any actual experience so I literally have no idea why I'm so messed up. If you can please help me understand why I'm like this.
-
Sorry if this is so long I've got a lot to get of my chest. Right now I'm a 16 year old girl and I don't know why but I'm always horny. I've been like this since I was around 6. My mums friend gave her a box of videos once and I was searching threw them to find a Barrie video probably and I found a porn video. My mother turned it off as soon as it came on but every time she was in the bath (she couldn't leave me in the house alone) I would shut my door and turn the volume down and constantly watch the video. She used to make me leave my door open because I'd watch it that much and one time she caught me (this is horrifically embarrassing) humping a teddy bear in the same way they were in the video. This wasn't the first time though, as when I was in nursery which in England is when you're round about four, there used to be this girl in my class and she kind of introduced me to it all. She told me she learnt about pussy or something and told me to go to the toilet and all I remember is we used to sneak out of class and touch each other. This happened all the way through primary school and me and my friends would dare eachother to run eachother when we were in assembly or in the classroom reading. Once I went to the toilet with my friend and she started licking me and then she bit me really hard and I started crying but when I went home I couldn't stop thinking about it. I'm not sure about the time frame of things but I'm trying to make this as simple as possible however come to think about it I did a lot of weird shit. There was this boy who was my mums friends son and we used to go to their house a lot, me and this kid who was a year younger than me would et completely naked and he would put his dick against my hole and just rub it against me, again my mum caught us. We didn't stop though and I remember this one time he was humping me naked under the kitchen wonder where our parents were but they couldn't see us. What I'm confused about is I have quite a few memories that are blurry to me a some parts. For example, my self proclaimed cousin or whatever was fifteen at the time I was 10 and I went to his house one day and we was in his room (he was teaching me to play on his play station) when I just remember him suggesting that we take our clothes off. I think it's pretty obvious by now I was a sexually curious child and so I did, he lay me on the floor and put a blanket over us and I remember kissing him on the mouth but I'm not sure if he ever touched me. I remember this a lot because a few days later at school we got a magazine about consent and sexual abuse and I couldn't decide wether it was a strange thing he'd done or not. The scariest time I can think off was when I was a little younger maybe 7, and ((Come to think of it everyone I knew was creepy)) there was some guy who I used to call uncle Richard. He was maybe 30/40 and he used to be my favourite person. We used to go to his room and watch cartoons. There's a memory that is stuck in my head like it literally happened today and I remember we were cuddling on his bed and he was stroking my leg and he asked me who my favourite uncle was so I told him that it was him. I remember laying down on the bed with my legs really wide open and he told me he needed to put cream on me but I can't remember if he did, I do remember that he had his hands down his pants and was facing me and now I know he would have been jacking off but all I knew then was that my favourite 'uncle' was staring at me whilst touching his 'private parts' and then held my hand afterwards. I think a lot of things I've just admitted too are quite strange especially considering I was under the age of ten for most of them. I'm definitely aware of masturbation, and I'm always extremely horny, I masturbate ever single day, sometimes more than twice. The fantasies start of normal but as I'm about to cum I always end up on sites like motherless trying to find 'real rape' videos or real grope videos and I can't cum until something looks real. I can't cum to role play porn and afterwards I feel a little sick but it turns me on that j feel sick and sometimes I end up masturbating again. A couple months ago my friend had a birthday party and I think I'm quite mature for my age and I was sat with all the adults getting drunk and talkin about politics and shit and old movies and I started talking o her uncle. He was very intense and made very direct and scary eye contact with me at all time and it made me squeeze my legs together. He was kinda chubby and had a beard and honestly he looked like some kind of serial killer. I say on the counter top and he stood between my legs and told me about lots of gory horror films and how he loved them. We went outside and there was no chairs so we sat in a circle with his girlfriend, and my friends parents and I sat on his knee and he kept stroking my back. I could feel the sexual tension. But because I'm normally strange and have these fantasies I thought it was just me. He took me in the garden give me a beer and a cigarette and told me to stare into his eyes. I did, and he kept biting his lip and telling me he thought I was pretty. I knew this was real and I was kinda creeped out because there's a difference between a secret fantasy you're ashamed of and a real life situation where a 35 year old man with a girlfriend is hitting on you, a 16 year old girl at a party. I told him I was going upstairs because I was getting light headed and a little weirded out. I went into my friends room and lay on the bed. I was hoping he'd come up and when he did I got freaked out because he had actually came up. He came in her room and shut the door, (the scariest part) and sat down close to me. He told me to kiss him and I said just started at him and he grabbed my face and started making out with me. My tummy literally dropped and I wanted to kiss back but he was 35! His girlfriend and my friends were downstairs and I would regret it. He was the same age as my dad. I pulled away and he grabbed me back and started kissing me more and his fingers slowly made their way to the outside of my knickers and I felt his fingers and I knew that if he knew how wet I was, we would have ended up fucking. I elbowed him and ran downstairs and about half an hour later after I told my friends, my other friends came downstairs and said he tried to kiss her but he didn't and that was all. I told them all what happened (minus me being wet and finding it hot) but turns out his girlfriend hears the whole thing and I nearly started crying. I broke them up, not sure if they're together now, but he wouldn't come down from upstairs and kept telling her it was bullshit and I made a move on him. He came downstairs and I pulled the cover up to my chin and he stopped walking and just stared at me with his psychopath eyes and I got so damn wet again. He looked so angry at me. When I masturbate I think of his really big hands all over me, and what would of happened if I didn't elbow him and just let him take advantage of me. Am I seriously fucked up? I'm really not sure what to do or anything here? I've tried to kill myself and I've taken cocaine, ecstasy, mdma and I smoke bud without fail every day. I started college three weeks ago and I'm at severe risk of being kicked out already. I'm not sure what's wrong with me apart from the fact I hate myself and I'm very ashamed and confused. I feel like I'm sexually/emotionally fucked up and I'm not quite sure what to do, or what anyone else should do with this information. Am I abnormal? Am I just fucking weird? Also I've had sex with one person but apparently I was very 'bitey' and before I lost my virginity I only met him three times (over the space of two years) and I got extremely drunk because I was that nervous. Sorry for any grammatical errors was trying to get this out as quick as possible.
- 3 replies
-
- Sexual
- Emotionally
-
(and 8 more)
Tagged with: