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Im actually having a real hard time, its been some months im on the maniac phase but sometimes it gets mixed, when i feel down and low. I have been into not so hard crisis but its been two weeks that im compulsively touching myself over and over. Im eating a lot, i feel empty and im not being productive. Sometimes i distract myself and try tp get over it but its not working anymore. I just moved and i feel like this is not my place. Im trembling all the time, and i want to cry. I feel like im going to explode at any moment and i start feeling suffocated, in panic. I feel guilty, everything is a mess i want to end all this. I spend most part of the day euphoric but there's times i feel the panic taking over. I cant cry, i cant ask for help and i dont have money to pay for a doctor. These times i just wish i could end this shit. Im hurting myself. I dont want to live life like this. everyone's too busy to pay attention. I try to tell, but the words dont come out, i feel like they're gonna judge me or think im stupid and want attention. I have some psychosis issues and im constantly paranoid, im trying so hard to do something else that make this get easier but i still feel like i need to talk with someone. Im always giving attention to everyone but i feel like they dont care, maybe im suffocating them and that's why they're leaving? Im alone, all the time. And its heavy. Too heavy to hold, and i still take care of other people. Im loosing control, i keep repeating things to myself that doesnt even make sense, like it wasnt me, i hate this voice. Sometimes i harsh myself in hope that this gives me some kind of relief but nothing works. I wanted to exercise bc i know it helps on anxiety, sleep, mind, health etc, but i cant start, i feel tired all the time, my body is always sleepy, amd when i get the energy to do it i spend it touching myself and feeling bad after that. I used to take remedies last year but they made me got worst, i still have my medication for crisis but its kinda strong for me and i know that if i take it i will sleep, and get lower the next day, and i will feel guilty and more lazy than i already am. Please, im drowning, help me

I either have a form of body dysmorphia or everyone's lying to me. I'm not sure which one scares me the most. Here's a bit of background: I am a boy, I wear minimal makeup to cover my acne and I am about to go into high school. Also, I hate myself. When ever someone compliments me, I feel a weird mix of emotions that I can't exactly describe. At first, Its a sudden rush of joy. Almost like a, "wow, maybe I'm not so bad after all?" This sugar high of happiness only lasts for a few minutes though, because there's always the lingering feeling that they are wrong, that I'm not good enough for their praise. Sometimes when this happens, I feel increasingly worse and worse to the point when I feel like I have to through up. I become paranoid that everyone's in on this big Inside joke about me, and that they all gossip about me behind my back, that they all secretly hate me. I try to tell myself that I'm wrong, but I can't seem to stop this knee jerk reaction of self loathing that happens whenever someone compliments me. Its like this, when someone says that I have a great complexion, I know they've noticed how cakey my foundation is. Or Whenever someone says that they like my hair, I just know that they wouldn't have said that if it didn't look bad. I feel like everyone's backhandedly complimenting me and that they all think that I'm ugly and stupid and not worth it. If they did, I wouldn't disagree. I think I look disgusting. I'm just a bad person. I don't mean that I'm a person that dose bad things, but I am genuinely bad at being a human being. Everyone else I know is able to handle things like this, able to cope with there bad qualities. I just think that I have too many bad quality to make up for my few good ones. The few people that know that I feel bad tell me that I'm too hard on myself. They say that no one else is judging me. But I can't agree with that. I judge everyone and I mean everyone. I tally up their flaws and there facial structure to see if I look worse then them. Even if it makes me feel better temporarily, It just makes me feel worse in the end, because I know that it's such a horrible thing to do. And also, if I judge other people like this, who's to say that they don't do the same? Thank you for helping me out with this and I'm sorry that it's so long. I've been waiting for far too long to let this out, and I can't bear to tell anyone I actually know about this. I really need someone to talk to about this. Again, thank you so much.

So, todays my first day on here. I think it will help. I feel very lonely sometimes. I have bipolar depression. I was diagnosed sometime after christmas of 2013. I have manic episodes. I can't control my thoughts very well when that happens. I would always think about killing myself. I didn't want to kill myself. I was just afraid that someday I wouldn't be able to stop myself. I have high hopes for my future. I want to have a family so bad. I want to be a good mom. And I want to meet the one. I have less manic episodes now. I haven't had a full blown one for like 2 months. I have been getting like, mini episodes. Like neutralized, duller, not as bad. Why am I so bad at describing? lol. I'm graduating with my associates degree in may. The next semester I'm moving an hour away from my mom to get my bachelors. I am terrified. I hate being alone. I am fearful of my illness. I can't handle it when I'm alone. I mean I can, but the fear becomes a vicious cycle and I start to hate everything about everything. I basically decide that every aspect of my life is miserable. I do that to distract myself from my loneliness and my fear of a manic episode. I joined this site because I hope for someone to talk to when I am fearful or having a mini episode. I think this could be helpful. Oh. annndddd Im erica. Im 21. Im going to be an art teacher. I like basketball.