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WARNING : This post is a pretty long one. I apologize in advance. I'll get to the point, but before that, I'll introduce myself a bit. I'm 21 years old. I'm from India, and you can call me Hollow. I have OCD. With saying that, I'll get on with the story. It all started 10 years ago, back when I was in 6th grade. I would get repeated intentions to hurt, cause harm and even kill people who are close to me. Mostly family members and friends. However, every time I've made an attempt to do harm, I would either miss, or not be able to do it. The most common examples I can give is hitting a family member, but missing, or even push someone in front of incoming traffic and miss. Either that, or the person I pushed would move beforehand, thus making him out of my reach. The biggest form of this is stabbing. Whenever I see the kitchen knife, I get the urge to stab my family members with it. But as always, I'd fail to do so, either by missing or some reason or the other. This all has caused severe distress in me, and the feelings of guilt and self loathe would consume me. However, upon being diagnosed with OCD, I've taken prescribed medication since then and would visit the state mental hospital from time to time. Things have improved considerably, and though I've had low episodes every now and then, life was more or less normal. However, as of late, from 2014, that is, from the age of 19, things have gone towards a new, darker turn. Let me tell you the story of this as well. From 18, my testosterone level has shot up quite high. Generally, many people vent off by watching porn. However, for me, I'd vent off from virtual sex, or, sexual roleplay (rp). Roleplay refers to performing actions through words. The action you wish to perform is typed between the star (*) signs. For example, if I want to pat your shoulder, I simply type, *pats your shoulder*. So I'm sure you can imagine how sexual rp goes. I got into rp, and was soon addicted to it. I'd rp with anyone and everyone I could find. I'd rp with people as young as 9 to people who were twice my age. At that time, I didn't care. But then, I thought... Does roleplaying with such young people make me a pedophile..? That's where the worrying started. However, I didn't stop. I'd still rp with very young people. And my lust was so great, I'd even ask for nudes from them. Things have not ended there. The app that I used to rp is this app called kik. On kik, you can talk with and be friends with random people online. I remember that there were people who would post, talking about exchanging child porn and rape videos. I have memories of exchanging and trading such videos and pictures with such people. And for a long time, I have been, and still do feel remorse for viewing and pleasuring myself to child porn. I have memories of doing such things, and I've talked this out with my friends, family and therapist. They all said the same thing, that this all is a phase. My best friend, who was an avid viewer of porn, told me that child porn exists only on the deep web, and people like us can't access it. Along with all this, I have memories of involving in human and child trafficking via kik and other media. But when I talked this out with my friends and family, they all told me that these are false memories. But I'm not able to accept the fact that these are false memories, because I remember doing such things, and I feel sick about it. When I remember these things, I get 4 thought : 1. The memory. 2. The guilt. 3. Telling myself that these are false memories and that they've never happened. 4. Remembering the memory and telling myself that I'm lying to myself by saying that these are false memories, and I should be punished. And it sickens me. I've consulted my friends, family and even my college counselor about this. They all told me that I'm not a pedophile, as all this is on a virtual basis. They also said that I don't show the characteristics of a pedophile. They said that a pedophile feels no remorse for his actions, and try justifying themselves. And also, that they show this behavior from an early age. However, I'm the opposite. I've had none of these issues before the age of 19. In all aspects, I want to be married to a woman. Despite all this, I feel as if I'm a pedophile. I feel like a criminal. I feel that I should be punished, and I feel absolutely disgusted of myself. Self loathe has consumed me and I'm drowning in self doubt. I've been researching on this topic, and feel more and more like a pedophile/criminal. I feel like a misfit. The depression attacks keep getting worse. I can't bear to be with myself. I feel so disgusted. I'm desperate. I don't know what to do. I only get solace in sleep. I need closure. I have no idea what to do.

Let me first start off by saying that I am a 16, almost 17, year old girl and all I've ever wanted to be since I was a little girl, is a mom. I love children. I love holding and caring for them, I love cuddling them and reading them stories, I love holding them and making them feel safe. I want to protect their innocence from the dangers of the world. But what if I'm what I've been trying to protect them from all along? I have been dealing with fears that I am a pedophile since I was about 11 or 12. I don't know how or when it started and I'm a little scared to know why. I believe the first thought I had was about my cousin who was 2 at the time, I was very upset and disgusted with myself and put my thoughts through my mental paper shredder. Turns out that the mental paper shredder only gets rid of them for about 2 seconds. There has not been one day, ONE DAY, that I have not had these thoughts. I can sleep, eat, breathe, walk, run, laugh, and cry but the thoughts are always in the back of my mind. This has not stopped me from being around children or babies, I have a child development class and I see all of my sweet little cousins, I watch and hang out with my little buddies. The absolute last thing I'd ever want to do is hurt them and the thought that I might makes me feel like a completely terrible person, it makes me feel worthless to myself. The fact that I may have OCD (I haven't been diagnosed yet) is what keeps me going. I'm so scared that I don't have OCD. How do I know I'm not a pedophile who just simply doesn't want to be a pedophile? I also mean no offense to pedophiles, just putting that out there. Thanks in advance

Okay, I joined this community hoping to get some answers, but now I'm just confused. From some of the posts I scanned before I joined it seemed like the right place to be, but some of the replies I have read since joining have me a bit lost. I only joined yesterday and I know there is a lot of reading here I could do, but I would like to hear from someone who is/has been in the place I believe I am and has some real answers. I am not a teenager by far so hormones is't it. I don't believe it's OCD, but I could be wrong (on the other side of that it seems like OCD and pedohilia could almost go hand-in-hand). One response I read said something to the effect of if a person is a pedophile they will know it (can't say that I honestly agree with that statement - I don't think I would have "known" I was even a year ago). Meanwhile, in a response to someone else I read the original starter of the topic was told they shouldn't label themselves as a pedophile because it would be like giving into the feelings that person has which cause them to fear they are a pedophile. I don't agree with this statement either - that would be like removing the 1st step in alcohol recovery (which would be admitting you are an alcoholic - duh!). Seems to me the first step for a pedophile would be to admit it to themselves (and at some point other people - i.e. family, close friends, etc.). While this has all confused me more it's better than the previous community I looked into - one responder told a guy he was just "Sick! Sick! Sick!" (I'm not looking to be judged for this, I'm looking for help and some peoples self-righteous attiudes is not going to f***ing help!); another responder said that all pedophiles should just cut themselves off from internet, TV, etc. (I havn't isolated myself enough all ready? Why don't you just stick me in a dark room, bring me food and water once in awhile - or let me starve if it eases your conscience - and while you're at it gouge out my eyes so I can't look at girls, oh and give me a lobotomy so I can't think!); a third responder said that pedophiles are people who have not matured emotionally (that may be true, I don't know to be honest). With that said I apologize if this gets drawn out, but I feel I need to present as full a picture as possible if I'm going to get any good feedback. I believe there are a lot of issues that go a long way back which may or may not have contributed to me now believing I am a pedophile, but unless someone has the time and is willing to read a f***ing chapter book of my past I will just skip it for now (if anyone wants to hear/read about it and give me an objective viewpoint I will start a new topic later). Let's just say I was not physically or sexually abused - that I am aware of anyway. I think overall I probably had a pretty good childhood, but there are things that happened that I have not forgotten, so maybe those things play some role. I don't fear believing/knowing I am a pedophile - what I do fear is going to jail, letting down my family, being judged by others I care about and society in general; among other things. I have been married to the same woman for almost 17 years. I have 2 teenagers at home and an adult stepdaughter living on her own. While my wife has been very supportive in a lot of things it's been a struggle for both of us almost since the beginning. She has always been an open book and I have always been private, secretive, isolated and introverted. The first few years of our relationship we had a decent sex life - at least a couple times a week, sometimes more. She had an idea about some of my fantasies, but I have never been able to open up to her about them - they are varied and many and don't ALWAYS include children, but that has always been recurring and has increased in frequency and intensity over time. She just told me she didn't think it was abnormal early in our marriage, but that didn't stop me from feeling guilt about it or from doing it, obviously. I think the first time I actually accessed CP was on a military deployment (serving in the National Guard/Reserve, but I also have a full-time civilian job). I had some file-sharing software on my laptop and had searched for something (I don't even recall what I was looking for), but the amount of other crap that came up...Holy S**t!! And wouldn't you know, there were titles with words like "preteen" and "lolitas", which were not even close to what I searched for. Being obsessed with sexual fantasies involving pre-pubescent girls as I was/am I just had to open the files. I found practically a pedophiles dream! There were a few videos of men conducting sexual activity with underage girls or girls who looked extremely young (most looked anywhere from about 7 to possibly 18 in a few). Those went the way of adult porn videos for me (yawn...I would rather have an image of the girl alone and masturbate). Most of the files were photos, again as young as 6 or 7, but possibly as old as 18+. I coudn't tell you the number of pictures I have saved (and later deleted out of fear of being caught and guilt for enjoying looking at the pictures and masturbating). There were other issues as well, some of which my wife knew about at the time and called it "emotional cheating". A couple of months before I came home on leave she gave me an ultimatum - I could stay somewhere else and visit my kids or we could work out the "emotional cheating" issues. I agreed to the latter and saved my marriage from ending in divorce court - for the time being. Some time after I returned home from deployment is when my wife found out about the CP. I don't believe she saw any of the videos, but on several occasions I didn't minimize a window before she could see my laptop screen. And several times she warned me of the consequences (not just going to jail, but what it would do to our kids - both going to jail and the reasons for going to jail because she was not going to lie to them). Each time I would guiltily agree and delete whatever I had on my computer - only to look for more later. The last time this happened was about 3 years ago. I had a new laptop and an external drive. Guess where the pictures went - because God forbid should I delete them yet again. Yep, I saved them on the external hard drive. At this time I would guess that only about 10-15% of the pictures I currently have stored are actually under 18 years of age - and that's debatable as they were way too easy to access. They could be late blooming 18 year olds for all I know - or not; it's hard to say for sure. But that's missing the point isn't it? The fact is, I continue to try to access CP in one form or another. I found several sites over the years that have a link that said "Click link x times for...." - basically to get to the "good stuff". My own fear of going to jail and the public ridicule that would follow have kept me from ever "clicking". So, here we are today. I'm living in a sexless marriage (at least with my wife anyway). The last time we had sex was over a year ago and before that 2 years (although a year of that was another deployment). I have lied (to both of us) that it is lack of interest on my part. I'm pretty sure she knows better, but she has stopped pushig the issue. I have also gotten better (until recently) about hiding my masturbation. Several nights ago I was sitting at my computer on the dining room table, looking at pictures and fantasizing about young girls and touching myself when my daughter walked into the kitchen! I stopped immediately and if she saw nothing has been said. By the way, at different times in the past I have fantasized about my stepdaughter, my daughter and my wifes niece. A common fantasy for me also is incest (with the aforementioned, as well as, imagined family members - i.e. an imaginary underage daughter, niece or much younger sisters; I don't actually have any sisters). The most common ages of girls in my fantasies are 11-13; sometimes 14; on rare occasions 15-18; and extremely rarely 7-9, but I usually move on quickly as I feel really disturbed about thinking of having sex with girls that age; I have no idea why that is. I often wonder if an opportunity presented itself could I stop myself from actually engaging in child molestation. While I didn't necessarily lack in opportunities with the 3 girls mentioned in the previous paragraph (they weren't really abundant either) I never purposely engaged in sexual activity with any of them (although, I have pushed the limit, I know). When my stepdaughter was 8 we were home alone for whatever reason. we had a hide-a-bed in the living room where my wife and I slept because there weren't enough bedrooms for all of us. We were on the bed having a tickle fight and she was on all fours in front of me. I went to tickle her sides and she backed into me and I instantly became erect. Not knowing what else to do I immediately ended the tickle fight in a ball of fear and nervous frustration. When she was 10 I got up early for work one morning, her door was open and she was laying on her bed where I could see her underwear. I went erect instantly and with no one awake to say anythig I masturbated while looking at my sleeping stepdaughter. A similar thing occured about a year later only this time it was my niece and she was 12. She had stayed over and was sleeping on our couch. She wore a loose-fitting tank top and one breast was in full view! Again I masturbated while staring at her! I have never done this with my daughter. The only other instance of anything like this happening occured years before when I was 16 and for all I know it may be considered molestation by the letter of the law. This particular time a friend and I were staying at his girlfriends dad's house. Rather than sleep in the house we set up a tent in the yard for the night. The girlfiends 10 year old half-sister also slept in the tent and I was between the two girls (the friend girlfriend was actually older than me, by the way). For the first time I can remember I had a young girl laying close beside me (there wasn't much room). I had an erection and didn't know what to do - I was so worried about it I couldn't sleep for a long time. Then, when the others had gone to sleep I did something I never concieved I could do. At first, I tried to reach my hand up her shirt, but I was too shaky from nerves that I only had her shirt halfway up when she stirred and rolled over. Now her back was to me! To make this brief, I did masturbate - with the head of my penis against the crotch of the girls pants. After that I dropped off to sleep and have never been the same. If anyone knew they never said (although, I don't know how anyone could miss the mess I left!) and until now I have never mentioned it to anyone in ayway! So there it is. I apologize for this being so long, but I needed to get this out somehow. Does anyone have any thoughts on this? Am I or am I not a pedophile? I'm sure the most common answer when asking for help is to get therapy. Okay, but how do I pay for it? I can't exactly stop feeding my family! I suppose I could sell the house we just started paying for, but then where will we live? We barely make it from paycheck to paycheck now, how Am I supposed to afford therapy? Even if I do get into therapy I would have to explain to my wife where the money is going and I am not ready for that discussion yet. I am eligible for military retirement in a year - how is this and getting therapy going to effect the end of my military career? Is there any way this is genetic? Just curious because I have a uncle who recently went to prison for inappropriately touching a child. I can't think of anything else to ask right now. Just asking for some help. Where the hell do I start? :confused:

Hello, I am new to this forum. I am very grateful for the existence of such a forum, dedicated to helping those suffering from psychologic ailments. So thus, I have come to this forum for help, and also to help others. For starters, I am a 20 year old male. And, approximately half of a year ago, I was diagnosed with Schizoaffective disorder, a disorder consisting of a combination of symptoms from the two disorders of Schizophrenia and Bipolar. I do not quite experience the manic aspect of the Bipolar, but it mostly comes in the form of relapsing continual depressive periods instead. Anyways, I will explain one of my current mail dilemmas. Recently, my friend and I got together for Spring Break. It was fun, he's a great guy. But, he does show an affinity for pornography, I suspect he likes women a bit too much. However, unsuspectingly, he showed me this pornographic website recently, with I am pretty certain of an intention of viewing mature women, and there were largely pictures/images of mature women on this website, but this website led to another website where, to be honest, many of the females looked to be, at a moderately liberal estimate, significantly under the age of 18 years old, the age of legal consent. We, perhaps to a larger extent, I, were at the least quite disturbed by what appeared to be minors in pornography. This was on my lap top, so I quickly told my friend to exit this particular website, and he did so. Then, I started panicking. I had no idea what to do. I was/am terrified that I would/am go/going to prison. I do not want to end up in prison, certainly nobody does. I am terrified that some external agency/institution knows what website we came across, and I am terrified now that law enforcement is coming to arrest me. So, the next day, after my friend left, I took out the hard drive of my lap top, destroyed the disk into pieces, and then promptly threw out the hard drive along with the rest of my lap top. I did not want the external agency that could have possibly known to raid my home and then search my lap top and find at the very least traces of illegal pornography. I do not want to go to prison, I am just so terrified I might. I do not want to be labeled as a sex offender and thus be labeled as a threat to society...I could not live with such a burden...I would rather take my own life than be shamed with such a negativity. Is Law Enforcement capable of finding such disk pieces which have been broken up in trash heaps and then reading them to find out what is on them? I hope to God not. Furthermore, what if law enforcement is tracking me online right now? What if they are reading this post/know what I am doing, so that they can use it as evidence against me? What if one or more of the members on this forum reading my post is a member of law enforcement and then takes the initiative to report it back to their fellow law enforcement officials so that they can arrest and imprison me? I would not last a day in prison, I could not survive there. Prison is for aggressive and violent people, I am not a violent or aggressive person... And furthermore, now I think I am starting to develop Pedophilia related OCD. I watch Law and Order SVU, and I watch Chris Hansen "To catch a predator" on youtube videos, as I am fascinated by such media material respectively as those. However, they greatly disturb me and now I cannot get out of my head the possibility that what if one of those criminals turns out to be me? I mean, I can say with certainty that I am not sexually attracted to children, but what if I am slowly becoming a pedophile? I mean, Pedophilia is a disease, a disease that individuals unfortunately suffer from, and it becomes a necessity to separate the disease from the individual affected by this/the disease. But nevertheless, I do not wish to be afflicted by this disease...I do not want to struggle the rest of my life, to go to prison, to be labeled as a sex offender...I keep having these fears that law enforcement such as the FBI and/or the police are just waiting to come storming into my house to arrest me. I am just waiting for them to find the broken remnants in the trash piles of those hard drive disks I threw out and then read them so that they can convict me. I am just waiting to go to prison amidst an existential background that tells me the world around me is collapsing, my life is over, I am a bum, a loser, a creep. I am only 20 years old, and my life is already over. If I go to prison, I will be murdered assuredly. I just cannot take it anymore. There are like intrusive thoughts that are currently afflicting me, either they are intrusive thoughts or internal voices, I am not sure at this point, but they keep telling me that at this point it is better for me to commit suicide rather than go through the pains of being prosecuted, imprisoned, labeled a sex offender, and being left to rot. I just wish none of this ever happened....I mean, I have never once molested/touched a child in an inappropriate manner/way. In fact, I have never touched anyone sensually/sexually in any matter at all whatsoever. I have never had sex before, and to be honest in my view, sex is not particularly important for me. I am more or less indifferent to it, and I more or less do not quite understand what makes other people so preoccupied with it (sex). I would never touch a child in an inappropriate manner, as I know that it is extremely illegal as well as to me, morally repugnant. I do not even think of touching a child in such a way, and even when it comes to adults I do think of touching mature adults sometimes, but even then thinking of doing private actions of a sexual nature with an adult(s) is actually quite difficult for me to envision, at least completely. I mean, to be honest, I am quite indifferent towards children. I do not necessarily think of them in an affectionate manner, and I certainly do not think of them in a sexual/romantic manner either. But, nevertheless, I just cannot seem to get these thoughts/voices out of my head telling me that I am a pedophile and that I am going to go to prison...I just cannot seem to do it...I just want to live a gentle, happy life, I do not want to harm any people and/or animals, and I certainly do not want to get into trouble with the law, either...I just need help, consolation of some sorts, please....

I would like to apologise in advance for any potential ramblings, I've hardly slept these past 48 hours. Life as a law-abiding paedophile has been quite inconvenient. I have been surrounded by children (mostly family) for a majority of my life, and being sexually attracted to some of them makes for some fairly frustrating situations. I'm 22 years old (my 1992 in my name should be 1991, I blame my laptop keyboard) and I've recently moved out and gotten my own place in Denmark. I've had sexual attractions to pre-pubescent boys for as long as I've had sexual attractions, and close contact or seeing them lightly-dressed is all that it takes to pop a full-blown erection that's hard to get rid of. I've been fairly good at hiding it, nobody suspects a thing, but it's not been easy. For example, I used to love swimming when I was younger, but that hasn't been an option these past 10 years. Same goes for a lot of physical contact with children (messing around, sitting on my lap etc.(Nothing sexual)) Hell, I can't even use a urinal in fear of who could potentially decide to take a leak next to me. Otherwise I'd consider myself quite solid, psychologically. My childhood was a bit on the rough side, but that's past me, and I haven't suffered from any mental issues since I was a child. (Well, apart from you know what) Of course the internet hasn't helped. Despite being a nihilistic anti-theist paedophile whose demise half the world would cherish, while the other half would be indifferent, I surprisingly enough care about people, to the extent where child pornography (abuse) doesn't interest me. Not sickening as in it makes me feel horrible, but I take no joy in observing it. The discovery of online nudism, on the other hand, hasn't been one of my proudest moments. Many nights have disappeared just looking through the endless galleries. But most of all, I want to get rid of the fantasies. They're entirely harmless and at this stage don't cause me any moral qualms anymore, but it's not my actions I fear, I don't fear living out my fantasies. I'd sooner kill myself than force myself upon a child (And I love living), but the thought of someone finding out who I really am is what keeps me up at night. My family and friends mean everything to me, and I know for certain that I'd lose them if anyone ever found out. I want normality, I want to take my brothers swimming, I want to go to the beach and enjoy the sun without perverted urges, and one day, I'd even like children of my own. I'm not sexually attracted to women's bodies, but I like the company of women, and the idea of a relationship with a woman is one that has intrigued me for years, but I don't see it happening the way things are now. I purposely keep to myself whenever I can help it. Online I've established a near-sociopathic personality, and I seem to have a gift for it, 'cause thousands would recognise my aliases. Calling people out on bullshit (pardon my french) isn't exactly what I'd like to be remembered by. - - - And that all leads me to the idea of chemical castration. I recently discovered what that actually means (bloody misleading name, chemical "castration"), but there seem to be limited resources on the subject online. Most articles on the subject stereotypically confuse paedophilia with child molestation, and typically focus more on whether it's morally righteous to force child molesters to receive the treatment, and they do so in such a tone that you almost have to wonder "why would you possibly volunteer for this?" I've visited Eunuch.org, but their entire 7 threads on the subject aren't exactly a thriving encyclopædia of knowledge. I plan on eventually crossposting a majority of this post on their forums, along with probably posting it to a forum focusing more on the medical aspect (more perspectives = better, right?) I haven't enjoyed masturbation in several years. It feels like a sub-conscious burden to me, one that I have little control of. It's not that I feel any guilt, orgasms just aren't enjoyable, and seem entirely arbitrary. I know damn well that I will never have sex with a child despite what I've schemed in my fantasies in the many late nights, so the thought of simply losing all interest in sexuality just by taking a pill or a shot has been dominating my mind these last few weeks. Sexually, it seems to me I've got nothing to lose, and if it doesn't work out, it's not permanent, right? So how do I go about this? At this stage, any thoughts and advice, on anything at all, would be greatly appreciated. I've got many questions, so if you know the answers to any of them, please share your thoughts. I'll try to list them. a) First of all, should I do it? It's obviously my own choice, but success/failure stories would help with that decision. How would I go about starting this process? Again, I live in Denmark, so it's probably outside of your area. Who should I talk to, and how, and what kind of confidentiality can I expect (Tried looking that up in Danish, didn't have much luck. Will try again after much needed sleep) c) Would I, after a period of (X) weeks of treatment, be able to once again walk into a communal shower with the certainty that I wouldn't get an unwanted erection, as opposed to the certainty of getting one previously? Would I be able to normally interact with children without a desire to have sex with them? d) If I were to go through with this, which drugs? I've read about Androcur, Depo Provera, Spirotone and a few others. How likely are the side-effects of whichever drug is preferable, and how severe? Two common ones that caught my eye were swollen breast tissue and a decline in liver function. If any of those two were to happen, how severe would/could they be, and would they be reversible? The financial aspect isn't an issue. e) Alternatives to Chemical Castration all-together? f) If all sexual drive is lost, would wet dreams become more common? Throughout my life I've only ever had one. Well, that quickly became a wall of text. I'm gonna try to catch some sleep and look back here whenever I wake up. If anything in this post doesn't go hand in hand with the forum rules, well, not much I can do, as the link to the rules gives a 404 error.