I really want to die

[WhydoIhavetobethisway]

I am 32 years old and I am a pedophile but never done anything before. You can call me a boylover as well because I like boys ranging from 11 to 14 years old. Don't know why but I feel like dying right now.

I never tried commiting suicide before and don't ever plan to because of what it would do to the people I leave behind.

All I ever do is sit in my room all day. I rarely do anything except when I go to my doctors and group. My life sucks. I live with my mom. Yes she knows I am a pedophile or boylover plus it helps being able to talk to her about it. I felt like I had to tell her sense we live in the same house and she would figure it out sooner or later.

Wish just my life would end because then I wouldn't have to worry about being so trapped and having such high anxiety when around people wondering if they know.

[Resolute]

sorry man. this sucks. idk what to say, except that i'm intimately familiar with the desire to die.

[Victimorthecrime]

All I ever do is sit in my room all day.

Why?

[WhydoIhavetobethisway]

Why?

I feel like I can't go out because I am a pedophile and be around kids. I put myself into my own prison per say.

Don't know how to drive either which doesn't help but I can still get places either by walking or my mom bringing me.

When I do go out I either go really early or not at all.

[IrmaJean]

Are you concerned that you won't be able to control your urges? Have you made any friends at group? Maybe it helps to go out with a friend or acquaintance?

[TooOld4This]

Keep posting, whydoihavetobethisway, we will pay attention to you.

We care about your suffering and we want it to stop.

You have done a very admirable thing by admitting your sexual problem honestly.

You have done a second admirable thing by not acting on your urges so far.

Well done. You've been a good person.

[WhydoIhavetobethisway]

Ok I wrote this:

I really want to die because of what I am. I know a lot of people out there want me dead as well because of what I am. I feel like a monster but I am not. Wish the general public could and would know that. That will never happen though. I do hurt myself everyday mostly because of what i am. It is what the general public would want. For me to suffer. I am a disgrace to society and always will be. I can't change who I am or how I was born. I don't want to either I just wish I could be accepted in society. I talked to a helpline and the nurse practitioner or psychiatrist I talked to said she dealt with many people having the same feelings I do. I was surprised but they never labeled themselves. I know what I am but don't always like writing it down because it could be used against me. If I could do anything in my life right now it would be to meet other people like me but that would not be easy. I do know from online people like me from the ages of 14 to 60. Some of them have done things others not so much. They haven't told me what they have done though. I really don't want to know.

The anxiety of what I am eats me up everyday in life unless I am at home. Anytime I go out though it is hell. I feel trapped. I feel like I have to stay home. I am like a prisoner in my own home. Hate feeling like this but there is no way around it. I wish there was a way to not feel like this. The only way is if we were accepted in the world and that will never happen. That is why I want to die sometimes. It is better off to be dead then have to go through that everyday.

The only thing that gives me peace mostly is when sleeping. I don't have to worry about what anyone thinks or says. Sometimes it is difficult to want to get out of bed at all because I know what the day will bring. Just more anxiety, fear, and saddness. No one can really change that either.

[TooOld4This]

I feel bad for you, wdih2btw. I want life to be better for you.

Again: it sounds like you haven't acted on your pedophilia; so that means you're a good person.

Good for you. The world needs more people like you, who don't listen to the worst part of themselves.

[sara89]

Hello,

thanks for giving some insights of your feelings.

I have never thought of the thoughts of somebody who identifies as "pedophile".

You might have helped me to lose some prejudices.

I strongly believe that everybody should be the way they want to be and do what they like to to, regardless of society views, BUT of course

only if they don't harm anybody else.

I'm sorry that your urges fall under those "BUT".

Is it really that difficult that you can't leave the house because there are children out there?

I mean even right after mastrubation? Sry if the questions are quite personal, but I really would like to try to understand it a bit better.

Aren't there support groups with the issue in you area? As you said I think meeting people with a similiar problem

might help a lot. You are definitely not alone with this issue.

Why do you think that other people could be able to find out about it?

I agree with my pre-posters. It's great that you are able to admit your orientation and that you know

that it is not possible (at least not in a good way) to act on it.

[mts]

Wish just my life would end because then I wouldn't have to worry about being so trapped and having such high anxiety when around people wondering if they know.

How would they know?

[Hollow]

You've not hurt anyone and by reading your plea, I'm confident that you won't hurt anyone either. It's the disease. Not you. Don't blame yourself. 

[m.allen]

So, a part of you wants to do something that has great potential to be very harmful to someone, but you haven't done it. There is obviously a part of you that doesn't want to do this too.

If you can promise yourself that you're not going to do it can you then let yourself out of the house? Let yourself live?

If you have the urge to do something terrible and you don't do it, that doesn't make you a terrible person. What makes you terrible is actually doing it. I don't think the general public wants you to be locked away in your house at all. Imo I think they would want you to recognize that you should never harm anyone or take advantage of anyone, but that as long as you never do it, then you should forgive yourself for not being perfect and get out there and live. There's probably a lot of ways you could put good into the world if you let yourself do so.

Coming form someone with OCD and anxiety, that's what I think this is mostly. I have been aroused by young girls at times, even masterbated over it a few times, but I recognized it wasn't a healthy behaviour and had great potential for a lot of harm if I ever actually did it, so I moved on from it and only seek healthy relationships now. Maybe you can never move on from it, but you don't have to act on it if you don't want to. It sounds to me like you truly don't want to if you're willing to shut yourself up in your house over it. So, trust yourself that you're not going to do it and as long as you never actually do it then you should get out there and LIVE.

All the best.