I've never hated myself more than I do right now

[Ravenkitten]

There has always been a lot of pressure on me to be the best child and make the best of what my parents provide for me. They always say how if I ever do certain things, I will be disowned. Don't get pregnant while in school, finish college, get a good job, buy a house, etc etc etc.

Everything is constantly weighing down on me and ever since high school I've had this fear of disappointing my parents. Especially my dad. Both of my parents, my mom especially, always remind me how hard of a life my dad has had so far. They use this to make me do my best.

I was just disqualified from the school I've been studying at for two and a half years and I am so afraid that my parents will stay true to their promises and kick me out of the house. They will disown me. Since receiving the letter my mind has been playing one phrase over and over and it kicks up my suicidal urges: I would rather die than be a disappointment.

If I can't transfer to another school on the campus, or my petition does not go through, I will have no home. No family. And hundreds of thousands of dollars in debt that I will never be able to pay back on my own.

Since I was an avid competitive shooter throughout my high school years, I have plenty of access to the numerous guns in my home safes.

Please help me. I don't want to do this. I don't want to keep hating myself for constantly screwing up the chances I get. I don't want to hate myself at all but it's so hard.

[Resolute]

hello, kitten. welcome to the forum.

you should give it some time before doing anything drastic. perhaps your parents won't disown you so quickly. your transfer might also go through, so take it easy for a couple of weeks.

take care, and all the best.

[Ravenkitten]

What is the reason for your disqualification if you don't mind me asking?

My GPA dropped below what is allowed in that particular school. I very much hope that my appeal to stay will go through though. I am not medicated for my severe depression or (possible) PTSD and it has been weighing down on me since high school. I thought I could handle it on my own without medication but I was very wrong.

It is very hard to tell my parents things. It always has been. I love them very much and appreciate all they've done for me but it has always been hard for me to talk to adults, even though I am one now too.

[sara89]

I love them very much

Your parents love you in the same way, right?

Imagine your mum/dad would have a rough time at work and would think something like you did above...

But I can relate up to a point, I often put a lot of pressure on me regarding university as well.

If something uni-related doesn't work as planned it pulls me down a lot.

Sometimes I envy people who has a good apprenticeship but some more free time.

I'll cross my fingers for you that you will find another school.

If not - you know there are always other ways, you seem to be young.

Where are you from? Here in Germany it's a good thing that attending universities is as good as free.

[Ravenkitten]

I live in the United States and I attend a University outside of my home state. I'm only 20. I'm afraid that I'll end up one of those people who never finish college and has to work several minimum wage jobs to make ends meet or becomes homeless. I already had to pick up a second job while in school because my current one cut back our hours.

Living in the States is an absolute nightmare

[sara89]

I only started to study when I was twenty.

I have to admit that life in Germany is a bit easier.

I mean nobody has to be real homeless. And there are things to support students so that they don't have to make a lot of debts.

Sounds pretty tough in the US.

[TooOld4This]

Unfortunately it is indeed hard in the US, Sara89.

We have many people in our country who refuse to pay taxes to make our schools better and our universities affordable.

Selfishness has suppressed nearly everything that is wonderful in the US.

Thomas Jefferson would not like it.

[Victimorthecrime]

Don't believe that nonsense Sara, Americans are taxed plenty and the schools get around $20-30K per pupil per year from the taxpayer but it goes to teacher $0 medical benefit Copays and a fully funded pension based on their highest year of earnings. It doesn't go to the students. Parasite lawyers profit from sowing strife so they can send out bills for legal fees, including the fee they charge you for questioning their legal fees. The school tax on property is so high many seniors have to surrender their homes that they worked hard for their entire lives.

[smallstar]

It's true, school taxes make up the majority of a property tax bill. Also, it doesn't matter if people don't pay their tax bills, it still gets paid via tax sales.

[TooOld4This]

I beg to differ. My wife is a teacher, and she has seen many fine teachers who were laid off due to lack of funding.