Confusion about what is going on

[Tina]

I feel happy sometimes but when I start thinking about myself I just think about how I have no talents, how slow I am, how uncreative and unfunny I am.  It feels that I am just manipulating everyone into feeling sorry for me. I often  want to talk about myself, and I feel so narcissistic sometimes. I hate people who can do something good and yet they complain that the are untalented and terrible, and I have a tendency to dislike "perfect" character (i.e. miranda lawson from mass effect and hermione granger) i have problems writing character flaws of ANY kind for my characters because the entire concept unnerves me. I don't know my symptoms properly, all experts I visit just tell me it is probably just an extended puberty. I feel angry and anxious for stupidest things (I felt so terrified during school ending ceremony, i hate it when we discuss communism because teacher mentions "scientific atheism" at least 7 times, when people say dragon age inquisition was the worst game, I actually feel like crying because it is important to me) These days I cry almost every day and have depressive moods. However, I can not have depression. Symptoms dont add up. I feel so stupid. My friend is already learning for her acceptance exams, and I am not. Sometimes I honestly wish that at least someone would catcall me or... I don't know show some interest in me (sometimes i even think that rape would be good, only one person showing interest in me). I speak quickly, often forgets words and I am terrible at following instruction. I dont know what mental illness i have. Do I even have one? I feel so tired and hopeless, medication does not work, self-help books does not work and I dont know what am I supposed to do.

[Victimorthecrime]

Do you sleep well? I don't why but as I read this sleep deprivation came to mind.  I might be way off.  

[Tina]

18 hours ago, Victimorthecrime said:

Do you sleep well? I don't why but as I read this sleep deprivation came to mind.  I might be way off.  

Yes. It takes me a long time to fell asleep, and I feel sleepy whole day, but I sleep well

[TooOld4This]

21 hours ago, Tina said:

I feel angry and anxious for stupidest things ... when people say dragon age inquisition was the worst game, I actually feel like crying because it is important to me) These days I cry almost every day and have depressive moods. However, I can not have depression. Symptoms dont add up. I feel so stupid. My friend is already learning for her acceptance exams, and I am not.  ... I feel so tired and hopeless, medication does not work, self-help books does not work and I dont know what am I supposed to do.

Actually, Tina, a lot of your sadness and tiredness sounds like clinical depression.  Feeling "stuck" on certain ideas (like what you studied in school, or a video game) could also be clinical depression.

I'm not normally a fan of psychiatrists, Tina; but i think it would be good for you to go to a psychiatrist and ask him/her if you have clinical depression.  They have medicines for that.

Can you go the NHS to ask for a psychiatrist?

[Tina]

20 hours ago, TooOld4This said:

Actually, Tina, a lot of your sadness and tiredness sounds like clinical depression.  Feeling "stuck" on certain ideas (like what you studied in school, or a video game) could also be clinical depression.

I'm not normally a fan of psychiatrists, Tina; but i think it would be good for you to go to a psychiatrist and ask him/her if you have clinical depression.  They have medicines for that.

Can you go the NHS to ask for a psychiatrist?

i already do. i begged her to give me something better than my medication that is only for social anxiety (and does not work anyway) but she says she does not want to risk negative effects... And noone says is depressiom, I was told that my mood shifts are just a puberty (i am 17) and that everything is affected by my age.

[TooOld4This]

You may want to tell the psychiatrist about your other symptoms.  She may not know that, for example, you feel too tired to do your schoolwork, or that you obsess over video games.

At the same time, Tina: you need to remember that many of these drugs can be very dangerous, especially for someone your age who's still growing.  If your psychiatrist is reluctant to prescribe different drugs for you, or stronger doses, it's not because she doesn't care how much you're hurting.  It's more likely because (as she told you) these drugs can harm you even as they make you feel better.  And that goes DOUBLE for heroin, opioids, and the other illegal substances that people use to feel better.

Keep posting here when you feel bad.  It helps you get through it.

[Tina]

3 minutes ago, TooOld4This said:

You may want to tell the psychiatrist about your other symptoms.  She may not know that, for example, you feel too tired to do your schoolwork, or that you obsess over video games.

At the same time, Tina: you need to remember that many of these drugs can be very dangerous, especially for someone your age who's still growing.  If your psychiatrist is reluctant to prescribe different drugs for you, or stronger doses, it's not because she doesn't care how much you're hurting.  It's more likely because (as she told you) these drugs can harm you even as they make you feel better.  And that goes DOUBLE for heroin, opioids, and the other illegal substances that people use to feel better.

Keep posting here when you feel bad.  It helps you get through it.

I did not tell her about suicidal ideation. My psychologist knows but just said that I need to depend on my faith (even though I have informed her that I am an atheist). And its not exactly a schoolwork? We are having summer holiday. I just feel guilty for not learning, because we have final exams next year and I am already panicking. But I can not bring myself to learn for some reason, even though I am interested in Biology and Chemistry. And it is not an obsession with video game per se, but my reaction to how other view it? I noticed that I always want people to agree with me and it feels terrible when they do not. It makes me feel that I can not properly evaluate things. Or something. I am so sorry. I am so confused by this.

[jazz]

On ‎16‎/‎07‎/‎2016 at 9:13 PM, Tina said:

I feel happy sometimes but when I start thinking about myself I just think about how I have no talents, how slow I am, how uncreative and unfunny I am.  

Sorry you are having such a muddling time. Just wanted to say don't write yourself off; talents appear at different ages for different people as they go through life and find out more about themselves. It may help to try and do some outward looking activities if you are spending a lot of time looking inward right now - getting out in nature, trying different activities, maybe even volunteering. I had a part time job at a library when I was 17 which was nice because I liked books and helping people. It is important though to find things that work for you and that you enjoy, which may help increase your self esteem.

[TooOld4This]

3 hours ago, Tina said:

... it is not an obsession with video game per se, but my reaction to how other view it? I noticed that I always want people to agree with me and it feels terrible when they do not. It makes me feel that I can not properly evaluate things. Or something. I am so sorry. I am so confused by this.

Hmmm, between this and your other thread, Tina (the one about your looks), i'm noticing a pattern that i recognize.

Sounds like you have a problem accepting yourself because you don't know what normal is.  I might be projecting my own experience here, but i know when i was your age, a big reason why i hated myself was because i simply didn't know what normal was.  I just wanted to be normal.  Handsome, athletic, or cool would've been way better; but first i wanted to be sure i was normal.

  Is that a thing for you?

I like Jazz's suggestions for you: if you have a job where you're useful to somebody -- even one where you're volunteering -- that can be a way to break free from all that worry about what other kids think of you.  Another way that i can think of is sport, and don't think that it has to be anything high-end like football or basketball.  Ice skating is a sport; cross-country skiing is a sport; kayaking and canoeing are sports.  Ask your parents if they can sign you up for lessons at your local community center or park (we have that in the USA, i assume your town probably does too).  I can't think of any reason why your parents would object to that: the cost would be way less than other things they might spend money on if your problems continue.  

[IrmaJean]

Tina, I think I may understand what you were trying to say about your game. It's something that means a lot to you and when others are dismissive of this, it hurts. That has happened to me before too. You connect with some inner passion and interest and when others don't understand or see this, that can be very painful. I don't know if that fits for you or not, but I would suggest to try not to allow others to dim your inner light or enthusiasm in any way.  Let your light shine, if you can, and maybe you can connect and feel your own beautiful energy.

I agree with Jazz too that talents may come along at any age if we are open to the possibilities. I didn't know that I had intelligence in the area of psychology until I was in my mid 30's. Also, recently my daughter has been teaching me how to paint. New hobbies can begin at any age.

I don't have a lot to add at the moment (tired old lady brain :o), but I hope you will continue to share here. We're listening and we support you. Take gentle care of you, Tina.

[Tina]

12 hours ago, TooOld4This said:

Hmmm, between this and your other thread, Tina (the one about your looks), i'm noticing a pattern that i recognize.

Sounds like you have a problem accepting yourself because you don't know what normal is.  I might be projecting my own experience here, but i know when i was your age, a big reason why i hated myself was because i simply didn't know what normal was.  I just wanted to be normal.  Handsome, athletic, or cool would've been way better; but first i wanted to be sure i was normal.

  Is that a thing for you?

I like Jazz's suggestions for you: if you have a job where you're useful to somebody -- even one where you're volunteering -- that can be a way to break free from all that worry about what other kids think of you.  Another way that i can think of is sport, and don't think that it has to be anything high-end like football or basketball.  Ice skating is a sport; cross-country skiing is a sport; kayaking and canoeing are sports.  Ask your parents if they can sign you up for lessons at your local community center or park (we have that in the USA, i assume your town probably does too).  I can't think of any reason why your parents would object to that: the cost would be way less than other things they might spend money on if your problems continue.  

 

8 hours ago, IrmaJean said:

Tina, I think I may understand what you were trying to say about your game. It's something that means a lot to you and when others are dismissive of this, it hurts. That has happened to me before too. You connect with some inner passion and interest and when others don't understand or see this, that can be very painful. I don't know if that fits for you or not, but I would suggest to try not to allow others to dim your inner light or enthusiasm in any way.  Let your light shine, if you can, and maybe you can connect and feel your own beautiful energy.

I agree with Jazz too that talents may come along at any age if we are open to the possibilities. I didn't know that I had intelligence in the area of psychology until I was in my mid 30's. Also, recently my daughter has been teaching me how to paint. New hobbies can begin at any age.

I don't have a lot to add at the moment (tired old lady brain :o), but I hope you will continue to share here. We're listening and we support you. Take gentle care of you, Tina.

Both of you may be right. I am sorry, this does sounds like a problem that is happening to me, but still i am unsure. My thought and memories and jumbled and they do not make sense to me sometimes, so my motivations for feeling a certain way are all... lost.

However, I am worried that no volunteering job for me, or sport activity (except for cycling maybe). I live in small village, and the only town in area is really small. The job opportunities are sparse - east Slovakia is easily one of the least economically developed parts of my country. Plus all volunteering jobs in area want for 18+ people - and I would have to commune. That, combined with the fact I not only have final exams next year, but I am also participating in "high school activity" (30 page essay on a certain topic from a lesson, i am choosing either biology or chemistry), means that I already have my schedule full. Also, I want to take English exams at C1 level, and that means that I have to study extra hard.

I already know what I want to do. I want to be  researcher. I love science, I love learning about new things. However, I feel so stupid sometimes. I am also terrible at learning - I am trying to force myself to sit down and just do it, but my mind wanders. I know that I will learn necessary things at the university of my choice, but I feel sometimes that I should already know the stuff

I know that talents have a tendency to show up later in life, but it feels so unfair. I see people making creative things and great things, and here am I sitting, doing nothing.

[Resolute]

hello, tina. first, i wanna say, welcome fellow atheist . second, take it from someone who has a thing for languages (among other things), your english is quite good for a 17 year old who lives in a village in slovakia. that means that you have brains; and i'm not someone who likes to make people feel better by lying to them .

anyway, take care, kid.

[TooOld4This]

Yes, Tina

I too am surprised to find out where you live!  I thought you were in the United Kingdom.  Your English is excellent!

You see now?  You have a skill: you're good at languages!

And that's a very IMPORTANT skill to have.  Most of the people i know only speak one language.

Good for you, kid!  You've got skills!

[Tina]

I am actuallly terrible in my own language- it is very hard and not logical..... But I will try to keep in my that I know English half decently.