Anxious/Depressed over sexual orientation

[Jam-Jam]

(Disclaimer: I posted this in new members post here, but I think this is a better place to post it). I have been experiencing anxiety and depression for a few years now, but now it has intensified over the last few months with me now questioning my sexuality, which is my main issue now. I just never thought I would be questioning now because for my whole 19 years on this planet, i was certain i was straight, and now everything's all muddled up, i just really need guidance right now. Anyway's, I've always had crushes on girl's growing up, every time one would touch me, i would get hard. Although one time in middle school i got a crush on my guy friend, but i didn't think too much or stress over it. I've had one girlfriend, who every time i would text or talk, or be around in real life, would get me hard. Now i have another male friend that I've known for three years, and until very recently, I've never looked at him in a sexual light, but now he makes me feel the same way I felt about my ex-girlfriend, and it's confusing the shit out of me. Also important to note is that I do watch a certain type of gay porn, straight porn has never appealed to me, and before this questioning, neither did gay porn, before my crises now, i would only watch lesbian porn. Some insight into my situation would be nice, I've never been so on edge before this.

[LaLa]

Hello, Jam-Jam, welcome!

I'm sorry you've been depressed and anxious and you're, in addition, feeling so confused now  .

Would you like to write more about the previous mental problems, before this you're currently dealing with? I have a feeling they might be more  substantial, so more important to address, mainly in the long run...

May I ask you what precisely is it about this new situation that is so very hard for you? I can imagine it may be confusing and even scary to discover unknown things about oneself, yes; but perhaps writing more about your thoughts and feeling about this could help you a bit (?).

Mainly; would it be very difficult to accept for you to be bisexual? If yes, why? (Even if you're bi, you may choose to live with a girl and never date a man, for instance.)

I've just seen this article today and as the author mentions how she suddenly and unexpectedly changed her sexual orientation, it occurred to me to share it with you:

http://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2015/10/how-david-hume-helped-me-solve-my-midlife-crisis/403195/

I've also recently read this about the uncertain nature of gender identity in kids and even teenagers:

http://www.theglobeandmail.com/opinion/transgender-kids-have-we-gone-too-far/article16897043/

...and I think it might be an example for you illustrating how very complicated (and changing) the issues of orientation en even gender often are. Could it help a bit?

Take care!

 

 

[Jam-Jam]

Thank you so much for responding! Sure, i guess I will explain my past with anxiety and depression. Throughout my life, i had very few friends, mainly because I switched schools many times; I was quiet and in the background, I went to school with my cousin who was way more popular than me, all of my cousin's were relatively more successful, and I resented them (I don't nor have I ever hated them, just incredibly jealous). I get jealous of people really easy, it makes me angry. I've also just always felt extremely isolated from others, my friends didn't invite me to anything, in fact most of them ignored me, save a very slim few, because of this i grew angry, so i never made it a top priority to have friends from mid middle school through high school. In my Junior year of high school, I decided to join theater class to expand and get out of my comfort zone, it worked, but it was a mixed bag: I still felt like a ghost around the "friends" that i made, I guess two things that were good was that i got to perform in two big theater productions with a main role in both, and i got to ask out a girl to prom that i had a crush on who said yes, but overall those experiences didn't help me feel better about myself in the long run, in fact after high school ended, i lost touch with almost all the friends i made their, and you don't know how much that hurt me, it's so fucking painful still. I turned to drinking for a short period of time because it would make me happy, but then i got sick of the way it made my stomach feel, though i still occasionally drink even though sometimes being drunk makes me even sadder. I then tried to end my life once in a drunken fit of sadness with a knife that i had in my drawer, but i chickened out. Recently i tried it again with a longer and sharper kitchen knife, and this time left scars on my arm. I'm slowly losing the will to live, the one person I talk to the most is myself, and it feels like i'm going crazy, even though i'm not, it's just that all of this makes me want to scream my head off, and punch something, everything i used to enjoy no longer brings me satisfaction, and my orientation situation is only making it so much worse. I was so confident in my sexual identity, but now i don't know anymore, I have a voice in my head that keeps saying that i'm gay, when i know for a fact that's not the case at all as i can name many instances through my life where i had a clear attraction to girls, and very little attraction to boys. Plus that voice has only showed up recently so i'm fairly certain that it can be classified as an intrusive thought. I'm sorry this is so long, I just have a lot i need to get out.

[LaLa]

On 2016-11-13 at 8:27 AM, Jam-Jam said:

I'm sorry this is so long, I just have a lot i need to get out.

No problem; feel free to write as much as you need to!! We are here to 'listen'!

I'm sorry I haven't replied; I suck at finding time and it often takes me too long to reply / react here...

Could you... try to focus on one big goal at a time? First of all, I would suggest you to stop drinking  . I know it may sound like "preaching" etc., but... you're in an extremely vulnerable situation and you risk to become addicted - this would make it all much worse. I know you know it and I know there's something in you that drives you to self-destructive behaviour, so you don't entirely care about addiction. But it would be such a great accomplishment to get rid of this risk and to find some positive, or at least much less dangerous, coping strategies... (You may search for some inspiration in sites for alcoholics - even though you're not one, you might find there some inspiration.) 

And speaking of addiction; self-injury can also become kind of addictive. It's much more difficult to avoid it when you've already done it several times. You've just begun; it's still much easier not to continue that to continue and then try to stop...

I trust you; you can succeed and stay "clean" in both aspects.

On 2016-11-13 at 8:27 AM, Jam-Jam said:

I have a voice in my head that keeps saying that i'm gay, when i know for a fact that's not the case at all as i can name many instances through my life where i had a clear attraction to girls, and very little attraction to boys

Being bisexual doesn't mean being gay  . And it also doesn't mean you have to have partners of both genders in your life. You can still keep a preference for a relationship with a gril. Yet, it would be the best not to judge yourself and just "wait and see"; once you'll meet "the right" person and you'll see if it will be a woman or a man. You need not to worry about this at all now. And what about some attractions you're feeling "in the meantime"? There're confusing now because they are new, but when you accept them as normal, it won't be an issue anymore. Why would it be "bad / wrong" to be gay or bi? And if it's not "bad or wrong", then it's just surprising, that's all. And every surprise lasts only some time; till we get used to it. Perhaps this is an opportunity to "re-think" your assumptions about yourself; perhaps you used to think you knew yourself well, but that couldn't be the case: we all have to "learn about ourselves" all our lives, mainly when we're still young. This unexpected new fact can be an impulse to new discoveries about yourself. I believe they can be also positively surprising  . But I also suppose they would be easier and faster with a professional help. Could you go to therapy or counselling?

You mentioned jealousy and it occurred to me to recommend you this short video about envy (I suppose it's what you meant when you were describing the feelings about your more successful cousins):

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oVzEtg5Qil4

Take care and keep posting!

[Tekka]

Hey mate. I can sort of relate to you. I don't know if this helps, but I have had issues with sexuality as well. My dad is sort of homophobic and that eventually distilled into me, but towards myself. He always feared me being gay or something.

So when the time came where I was questioning my sexuality, one that I felt I knew for sure, I went into conniptions trying to understand it all. I turned to sleeping pills, and eventually caught myself taking a box (16 pills) at a time.

My parents still don't know, but I did figure this out. It's a bit of Roman philosophy: sex with anyone (or anything), and the pleasure of it, is a gift. Do not deny yourself in the matter, when it will only upset you more. 

I personally had to accept that to deal with my hypersexuality (a term I coined for the symptoms I get when my testosterone levels skyrocket from not doing the deed) and panromaticism / bisexuality.

Don't let it bother you too much. I can get the feeling, coming from an unaccepting group.

[LaLa]

Yes, Tekka made a very good point: These unpleasant feelings come from the homophobic opinions unconsciously adopted from some authorities. I hope recognizing this can help you, as it seems to have helped, at least a bit, to Tekka.

[YOTH]

I'm a 90% straight 10% gay kind of guy. When that 10% wants some fun, I'll watch whatever gets me off. I've never been attracted to men, but fuck it, whatever feels right in the moment. It's not the 50's, we live in a sexually free society. There's that much porn about now people just don't give a shit anymore.