I don't know what to do.

[Human]

I'm 17. I've only been struggling with mental health issues for a few years now, but the past couple months have been incredibly difficult. I'm completely overwhelmed as I'm a senior in high school taking AP classes and I'm dual enrolled taking calc 2 at a local college. I dread every waking moment, the knowledge of everything I have to do including apply to colleges, and then go to college and probably continue to feel like this... I don't know, I've been seeing a therapist for a year and a half on and off but her schedule is full right now and so I can't again until December.

I've began attempting suicide twice in the past month and a half, slashing my wrist deep enough to terrify myself and drinking pills, and a third time that wasn't intended to kill myself where I just took a bunch of pills because I didn't care. The most recent was last Monday. I never went all the way, I'd realize that I couldn't do that to my family. 

I want to die, overwhelmingly, but I can't because of how it'd hurt those around me. I'm trapped. I can't sleep, I spend days at a time physically shaking, I can't handle anything anymore. I don't know what to do.

I can't tell my parents I need help because that would hurt them too, they need to believe I'm okay, don't advise me to go against that because that's the one thing I'm not willing to compromise. They deserve that. 

I just don't know what to do. And after spending yet another night being overwhelmed with how much I want to die, I came here, because I can't keep doing this.

[IrmaJean]

Welcome to the community, Human. I'm sorry that you're struggling so much right now.

Are there counselors at your school you might see on an emergency basis until you can make an appointment with your therapist? Does your school offer any help with the steps taken to prepare for college? Some schools have guidance counselors who can help with the paperwork and the process, which could take some pressure off of you. Maybe too if you could write down what is required, you could look at and focus on one step at a time, which would hopefully feel less overwhelming.

I think as you are doing this, it is very important to listen to your needs and practice healthy self care. Reach out when you need to, ask for support, take time to breathe when that's possible, do things you enjoy, connect with others and stand by yourself, if you can.

I can understand that you don't want to share your difficulties with your parents and the choice to share with them or not is up to you. Are you sure, though, that being in the dark about this is what they need? I can say that if one of my children was in pain and was struggling in their life, I would always want to know.

I hope you stay safe, Human. I also hope you will continue to express yourself here to your level of comfort if you find it helpful. We are listening. 

[Human]

12 hours ago, IrmaJean said:

Welcome to the community, Human. I'm sorry that you're struggling so much right now.

Are there counselors at your school you might see on an emergency basis until you can make an appointment with your therapist? Does your school offer any help with the steps taken to prepare for college? Some schools have guidance counselors who can help with the paperwork and the process, which could take some pressure off of you. Maybe too if you could write down what is required, you could look at and focus on one step at a time, which would hopefully feel less overwhelming.

I think as you are doing this, it is very important to listen to your needs and practice healthy self care. Reach out when you need to, ask for support, take time to breathe when that's possible, do things you enjoy, connect with others and stand by yourself, if you can.

I can understand that you don't want to share your difficulties with your parents and the choice to share with them or not is up to you. Are you sure, though, that being in the dark about this is what they need? I can say that if one of my children was in pain and was struggling in their life, I would always want to know.

I hope you stay safe, Human. I also hope you will continue to express yourself here to your level of comfort if you find it helpful. We are listening. 

There are people at school who can both act as counselors and as a helping hand in the college process, but I fear that if I were to approach them for personal help they'd notify my parents. For the other part, it's mostly that I know what to do, it just takes time that I feel I don't have.

I've tried making lists, but I can't motivate myself to keep up with them, it's just extra work, and although they would sometimes make the things I had to do less overwhelming, the normal reassurance factor is that there wasn't as horrendously much to do as the person thought, whereas even when I write it out it's just even more painfully obvious I don't have time to do it all. 

I think most parents would say they want to know their child's struggles, but that doesn't mean they're happier for it. I've caused my parents enough pain in the past, even if they'd want to know, it wouldn't make them happier, and that's my goal.

Thank you, just having someone say they're listening helps. I appreciate this website.

[jazz]

Hi Human and welcome. Sorry you are having such a difficult time. Just wondered if you've tried asking your teachers if you can get extra time to do your coursework because you are finding being dual enrolled very challenging? It's just that if you keep going into crisis because of this situation it will quite possibly become obvious to your parents anyway even if you don't want them to know/worry.

Also school to college can seem like a bit of a conveyor belt, but sometimes there are other options if you don't think it's for you.

[Human]

1 minute ago, jazz said:

Hi Human and welcome. Sorry you are having such a difficult time. Just wondered if you've tried asking your teachers if you can get extra time to do your coursework because you are finding being dual enrolled very challenging? It's just that if you keep going into crisis because of this situation it will quite possibly become obvious to your parents anyway even if you don't want them to know/worry.

Also school to college can seem like a bit of a conveyor belt, but sometimes there are other options if you don't think it's for you.

I could probably theoretically do most of it on time if I could motivate my ass to do it, which I can't. 

And no, college is definitely something I have to do, I have to be successful, to have the life I want I have to go to college. I appreciate the thoughts though. But it's always been the plan, i have a big life ahead of me, i have to, I'll never be fulfilled or okay with myself unless I go and make my parents proud

[Victimorthecrime]

Hi Human!  I am much older than you and for what it is worth just wanted to add my voice to the idea of you seeking some mental health counseling. Do it on your terms but the sooner you get a handle on it the better because untreated MH issues just grow larger.  

I have seen so my people turn to drugs, alcohol, sex during or shortly after college because they had to feed the beast. My issue was self esteem. It's sickens me to think of the years & opportunities I wasted.  Don't let it happen to you. 

[Human]

4 minutes ago, Victimorthecrime said:

Hi Human!  I am much older than you and for what it is worth just wanted to add my voice to the idea of you seeking some mental health counseling. Do it on your terms but the sooner you get a handle on it the better because untreated MH issues just grow larger.  

I have seen so my people turn to drugs, alcohol, sex during or shortly after college because they had to feed the beast. My issue was self esteem. It's sickens me to think of the years & opportunities I wasted.  Don't let it happen to you. 

I do have a therapist but I don't see her often enough because I can't be honest to her about how much I actually need the help. Since I'm a minor, she'd have to tell my parents if she thought there was a danger of me hurting myself, which is unacceptable. 

I've already started on the alcohol bit, for the past couple of months. I do worry about it becoming a problem to some extent but I can't bring myself to care enough not to. 

I don't want to waste my time here either. I just also don't want to be here in general, and they fight each other. I appreciate your reply, though. The perspective.